Read An American Love Story Online
Authors: C. S. Moore
An American Love Story (3 page)
When he heard me come in, he looked up. "You're home!"
"Did you think I wasn't coming back?" I asked.
"Well, with Mandy driving, I was beginning to worry." He laughed.
Little sister's driving skills were famously terrible.
"We made it through the trip without any serious incident although I did threaten to take her cell phone away a few times."
"I hate those things," he said placing a bookmark I had made him in the second grade into his book.
"You didn't need to stay up for me, Dad. I'll be here all weekend."
"I don't want to miss a second of your visit, and I wanted to talk to you about something." He set his book on the oak table that had cup rings worn into the finish even though my poor mother had spent hours yelling about coasters.
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked tentatively. I didn't know if I could take another serious discussion. But maybe every member of the family had to have a heart to heart to make them feel better about my state of mind.
"I want to talk to you about Phillip, if that's all right," he said just as cautiously.
I sighed in defeat. "You can talk to me about anything you want, Dad."
He took a deep breath and straightened up. "Do you think I'm a good father?"
"What? Of course, you're the best Dad in the world!" I didn't understand where the question came from.
He held up a hand to cut me off. "Do you think I'm a good husband to your mother?"
I didn't even need to think about it before I answered. "I'm pretty sure Mom is the most spoiled wife that ever lived." We didn't have a lot and were far from wealthy, but my Dad had always showered my Mom with love.
"Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce nowadays, and it's because this generation has no idea what it means to have those responsibilities. What do you think it takes to be a good parent and spouse?"
"I don't know, Dad. I can only know what I've seen in you and Mom⦠I guess you have to be selfless and always put your family first." I thought about how my Dad always went on a diet of tuna and rice whenever he got too chubby for his pants; most people would just buy new pants. But my Dad never spent a cent on himself.
"Do you think Phil fit the bill there?" he asked.
The hole in my chest throbbed; I had dreamed he would be my husband one day. I had ended that path, and I wasn't sure what path I was on now. But wherever I was, I never thought about long white dresses or lifelong vows⦠not anymore. "You knew him for six years. What do you think?" I asked.
"I think that I saw you bending over backwards to make him happy and he never budged to do one thing for you or your dreams. He would have been an awful husband. I would've always worried about you because he couldn't even take care of himself. I mean his Daddy paid for everything: his apartment, his car, his tuition, his food, and he still talked about being stressed out." He shook his head. "You had so much ambition, but it all went out the window when you decided to⦠chase around someone that didn't deserve chasing. What happened to school; what happened to your writing?" His voice was louder than I think he meant it to be, but I imagined it was hard for him to keep quiet for all those years.
I hadn't realized how much my Dad saw. He must have been so happy when I'd called it off. "I know, Dad. I'm looking at schools, and all of my writing is terrible emo poetry right now." I laughed because it was true.
"It won't always be. What matters is that you see you're too great of a person to just let yourself disappear into someone else," he said.
"I thought love was supposed to consume youâ"
"Not like that. We didn't even recognize you when you were in that relationship. Even now when you're still heartbroken, I see more spark than you've had in years. It's nice to see. I've missed it. You'll heal up and find someone that will treat you right."
My parents and sisters weren't seeing how bad I really was if they actually thought that. I would always be that romantic girl waiting for prince charming, but if I was still this broken⦠maybe it was too late for me to fall in love again. "I don't know if I'll ever heal up, Dad. I'm broken, I don't want to be with him, and I don't want to be with anyone else. That part of my life is done and I'm glad it is⦠I don't want to give someone that power over me again. I'm just done with love, and I'm done with boys," I said rubbing my eyes. I was exhausted from the long drive, the emotional weight, and this conversation.
"Boys, that's right." He smiled. "You loved a boy, baby sister⦠and someday you're going to find a man."
****
I lay in my old bedroom staring up at the ceiling; it still had a few of the glow-in-the-dark stars I had stuck on when I was twelve. They weren't near as bright as I remembered. Maybe everything was better and brighter in memory. Sitting in this room, it was easy to remember getting my first kiss on the foot of the bed when Phillip and I were doing homework. All of the good memories we had shared floated to the surface of my mind with the ease of a bubble. But I had to remind myself of the bad things, dive to the bottom and drag them up. Doing that helped to dim the bright memory of the moments that wouldn't go away.
Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but nine months wasn't enough time to make me forget the kisses and I-love-yous that the purple walls of this room had overheard.
I grabbed my blanket and dragged it down the hall to my little sister's bedroom. All of the words that those hot pink walls had heard were ones that made me happy. I curled up on the fluffy white daybed and fell fast asleep.
****
I was standing in the middle of a frozen lake; it was where
Phillip
and I first met. I had gone to some school kickoff party
,
and he had shown an interest in me as we swam under the hot sun. He was a year older than me and drove the best car in the parking lot at school. It was a warm memory
â
the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, the butterflies in my stomach, and the burgers on the grill. But this place was far from that now; thick frost clung to everything that used to be colorful and alive. A tear escaped my eye and slid down my cheek, leaving a frigid trail in its wake.
This wasteland was where all of the good and the bad started. I didn
'
t want to be anywhere near here
,
so I took a tentative step, inching my way across the ice to the shore. The ice seemed to be stable enough
,
and my cautious approach wasn
'
t getting me out of here fast enough. I dug in with my toe and started running as fast as I could along the slippery surface. A loud noise like rocks
slamming into each other sounded from behind me
,
and I lost
my footing as the surface shifted
.
My feet flew
above my head and my shoulder blades slam
med
through the ice. Tendrils of freezing cold water lick
ed
their w
ay up my body. In an instant
,
I was
chilled to the cor
e
,
and it reminded me of how I felt
right after the breakup, so cold and numb. I forced my eyes open and pain shot through me when the cold liquid touched my eyeballs. The water was calm and crystal clear. From what I could see
,
the blue water stretched on forever. Looking back up at the light f
iltering down from the ice, I could
n
'
t find whatever opening I had fallen through. Nothing on the surface had changed; it was like I had sprung through it by osmosis.
I was trapped under the thick sheet of ice, unable to breathe; unable to feel, and with no sign left behindâ¦
no one on the surface was coming to save me.
A pink mug of coffee warmed my palm as I stared at the last sentence I'd written in my notepad.
I chose to
lose
so I could gain and with loss comes pain.
I laughed; if my mug and finger nails were painted black instead of pink, I'd definitely be able to read this at a Goth coffee shop. Writing would have to take a backseat; the stuff that was coming out on paper just wasn't what I wanted to create. I heard a door open from the other end of the house; my parents must have woken up. Three hours of sleep was all I had been able to take before my mind refused to continue on with horrifying dreams â so caffeine was going to be my best friend today.
I closed my notepad, threw it into my satchel, and headed for the door. When I stepped into the hallway, I saw my mother knocking on the door of my old bedroom. She turned her head when she heard me and confusion marked her face.
"Why are you staying in Mandy's room, Tessa?" she asked.
I was sure my Dad or sisters would have been able to guess without asking. But that was just my Mom; she didn't fret about me as much as the others. She was such a positive person that she never really worried about the future; she just thought everything would always work out.
"There was a bird outside my window that wouldn't be quiet. I couldn't get to sleep," I explained. I didn't need to worry about lying to protect her; she wasn't like Dad who saw through them.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that," she said looking upset.
"Don't worry about it; you want to have a cup with me before you go off to work?" I asked holding up my mug.
"That sounds amazing; I'm in love with your hair by the way. Now, we're both blondes again; you haven't been a towhead since you were three." She chattered on as we made our way to the kitchen.
The kitchen was painted a robin's egg blue and was accented in deep browns and silvers I loved how warm my Mother's kitchen was. It was nice to have someone pretend like everything was fine, no sideways glances, or helpful advice.
"You still like your coffee sweeter than sugar?" I asked, grabbing the coffee pot. My Dad stepped into the kitchen wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"Yep, I like my coffee like I like my men," she said, pulling him into a hug.
"I'm not sweet. I'm a gruff detective. Don't go ruining my reputation now," he said smiling down at her with sparkling eyes.
My Dad seemed to light up around my Mom, and she shone when she was with him as well. After my experiences in the trenches I might have sworn that true love didn't exist, but I couldn't deny it. My parents were head-over-heels for each other, always had been, and always would be. It might be real, but it was way too rare to waste my time searching for. Out of the hundreds of married couples I had known in my lifetime, my parents were the only ones that had a magical spark that stayed with them forever.
"Do you two have anything planned for today?" my Mom asked as I handed her a mug full of sweet Joe.
I looked at my Dad. I hadn't planned anything yet.
"Well, I have to go to the gym this morning to maintain this amazing physique," he said flexing his arms.
My mother giggled.
"After that, I'm up for anything," he said.
"One of my patient's sons is single⦠and we were thinking that while you're hereâ"
"No! No setting me up while I'm home. I'm here to visit my wonderful family, not go on an awkward date that will just end terribly." I looked between my parents. "Okay?"
"All right," she said without missing a beat. "I heard
Rent
'
s Due
was a really funny one; why don't you go catch a movie?"
"What do you think, Tessa?" Dad asked.
"Why not?"
****
My dad headed to the gym, and my mom left for work, leaving me alone in the house to my thoughts. Free time was something I wasn't used to. I kept myself so busy. My grandmother had always said that if you couldn't stand your own company you had a big problem; apparently, I had a big problem because alone time only lasted ten minutes before I gave up and decided to go get some candy to sneak into the theater.
There was only one grocery store in the whole town, and they were crazy overpriced. But the employees were great and knew every customer's name. I didn't mind paying a bit extra to support a local business even though there was a big box store on the way to the theater. There used to be a small theater in town, but it went out of business when the market crashed. It had been there since the fifties, and it was kind of hard to understand how something that had been there for so long could just up and close one day.
I pulled into Reed's Market and slid my car into one of the dozen or so parking spaces. The Fourth of July had arrived, and a little plywood trailer had set up shop at the corner of the lot to sell fireworks. They had ones just like it all over town; groups of kids would be lined in front of them once school was out. The excitement of the little shop's fountains and sparklers had faded for me a long time ago, but a big fireworks show still enthralled me the same as when I was a kid. Too bad this town was a bit too small to put on a really amazing display.
The inside of the store had been the same since my childhood, so I made my way to the candy isle with ease. Picking out movie snacks didn't kill near enough time. I frowned looking at my watch. My Dad wouldn't be home for a while. Making a fancy dinner for my parents seemed like a good idea, but just when I decided what to make, I remembered that they already had a barbeque planned for tonight, so I decided to get some corn on the cob.
The produce section of the store had changed in the last nine months; a large floral section took up a corner where the dried fruit used to be. There had always been a small fridge with a glass door that held three or four bouquets at most, but nothing like this. There was a stand holding fresh flowers and a huge fridge with a dozen arrangements. I was a sucker for flowers; to me, there wasn't anything more beautiful in nature aside from a starry sky.
"Tessa?" a familiar voice said from behind me.
I straightened up and turned away from the flowers. Phillip's mother was standing a few feet away, in a Reed's Market uniform, looking beyond shocked to see me.
"Hi, Grace," I said, trying to ignore the air rushing out of my lungs. We hadn't seen each other since I had broken up with her son. Awkward didn't quite cover what I was feeling.
"Phil told me you moved out of state," she said.
"I did. I'm just here visiting my parents." Everything in me screamed to hang my head and look at my feet, but I had nothing to be ashamed of. "How have you been? Are you working here now?" When I left, she was working at the local flower shop. She was quite an amazing florist.
She smiled at me weakly. "Everything's fine, I'm doing the flowers here now," she said gesturing to the new section I had just been admiring.
It had always made me mad that Phillip never took the time to get me flowers when we were together. I mean, when your Mom's a florist, it's not even inconvenient.
"I sure miss seeing you around⦠you know, we don't blame you for what happened. I couldn't have picked a better girlfriend for my Phillip," she said, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I didn't know what to say. I loved Grace to death. She was amazingly sweet and genuine. The last thing in the world I'd want to do was hurt her. "Thanks, I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye⦠I just had to leave."
Her sweet round face tilted to the side. "I understand. I told him if he didn't treat you better, he'd lose you. He took you for granted⦠You know, he still hasn't gone on a single date?" The inflection in her voice made me think this was something that was supposed to interest me.
I froze in place and tried to choose my words carefully. "Really, well you should tell him to get out there and find someone," I said, almost choking on the words.
"I think he knows now, what he had in youâ"
"I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm really not interested inâ¦" I shook my head, attempting to silence the stupid part of me that sang at the news.
"So you meant it?" she asked, biting her lip.
"Meant what?"
She looked unsure for a moment, and then spoke. "Phil told me you had asked him to stop calling, give you some space so you could cut him out of your heart⦠and you really meant it." This time it wasn't a question.
I had asked that of him, and he had eventually listened. "I usually mean what I say; why else would I tell him that?" I asked, wondering if she thought I had said it just to be cruel. After six years, I thought she knew me better than that.
"I guess I thought you were just lighting a fire under the boy, you knowâ¦" She lifted her hand and wiggled her ring finger.
Was she serious? "No, no⦠no, noâ"
"That's a lot of no's," she observed.
"Listen, I want him to be happy. So tell him to go out and date. We aren't going to be together. He needs to understand that I am not coming back."
She nodded her head. "I'll tell him⦠I want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
"Not yet, but I'm working on it," I said, looking at my watch.
"Oh, I'm holding you up. It was nice to see you, and remember, no hard feelings at all. You were a huge part of our family, and I'll always love you." She gave me an unexpected hug, and I squeezed her back tightly.
"Goodbye," I said making my way to the produce.
Grace went about her business rearranging the flowers.
I decided corn wasn't that important after all and hurried to check out, so I could leave this place and the reminder of my past.
