Anchor of Hope (13 page)

Each to their own
.

“Oh, this is so good, Jay.” She gently tapped the fork against her plate. “I didn’t know you could cook. A man of many talents.”

Jay smiled.

“So who’s the spare room for?” Ashley took a sip of her water.

“A kid.”

“A kid?” Ashley frowned, puzzled.

“My kid, I should say,” he added and took another mouthful of the rice.

What
?

Her eyes widened, confused. She rested her fork against her plate and leaned forward, staring at him. “Is this something else I don’t know?” Ashley asked. “You have a child?” She was genuinely shocked.

“Not yet.” He smiled, not giving much away.

“OK, so are you expecting a child sometime soon?” she asked, trying to get him to give more than two-word responses.

“No, but I’d like to have kids one day.”

She nodded. He was talking about future plans. “Oh, OK. Are you seeing anyone at the moment?” Nicole sprang to mind.

“No,” he replied.

“OK, because it usually helps if you have a partner when you want to have kids, you know.”

“I know.” Still with the short answers.

“So are you dating?” she asked, intrigued.

“No, I believe the right woman will come along when the time’s right.”

Ashley laughed. “Well, if you're expecting the
right
woman to show up on your doorstep you might be waiting a while—unless you’ve purchased one of those mail order brides online or something.” 

“I don’t mind waiting.” He shook his head and smiled mysteriously. “I’m a patient man.”

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but I don't think it works like that. If you want something in life,
you
have to go out and take it. You’re responsible for your own happiness. But good luck with it anyway.” She raised her eyebrows and returned to eating her dinner.

He has changed.
He’s insane
.

He didn't respond,
as usual
. He smiled politely, but she couldn't help but feel he had something going on in his mind. Some secret too mysterious to try to figure out.

They finished their dinner and Jay stood to take her plate.

“Thanks again. That was delicious. Can I help you clean up?”

“No, I’ll do it later on,” he said. “Do you want me to show you the gazebo now?”

“Actually, I’d rather you tell me about the photos.”

Jay nodded.

“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. Am I being too nosey?” Ashley asked. Had she stepped over the line?

Jay laughed. “No, it’s all right. It's a pretty long story though?”

“That’s OK. I don’t have anywhere I need to be.”

He led her over to the photo wall.

“Well, not long after you left I tried to . . .” his voice trailed off. “Well, I tried to change things, but when I realized I couldn’t, I tried to change myself.”

Ashley was unsure what he meant by that, but he didn't say anything more so she figured it must not have been too important.

“I finished my building trade then enlisted in the army.”

He pointed to the photo with Mike.

“I was deployed in 2007. That’s when I met Mike, on our first tour of Afghanistan. He was from Illinois. We became good friends.” Jay smiled at the photo. “We were over there for twelve months and nothing happened—it was nothing like I had expected. It was easy, really. We were involved in a few missions but we didn't see much excitement and when we got home we thought, well, that was a piece of cake.” He shook his head smiling. “We were paid well, for sitting around in a dusty camp out in the desert for a year. Everyone praised us when we got home, and for some unknown reason we actually thought we were worthy of their praise. When people label you as a hero enough, you start to believe it. We figured if people wanted to put us up on a pedestal we weren't going to stop them—we were young and we had big egos. That’s when we got these tattoos.” He raised his shirt to reveal the tattoo which ran up the side of his rib cage and under his arm. It was a tribal pattern with the words ‘
For those I love I will sacrifice.
’

She recalled seeing that tattoo yesterday at the lake.

“Pretty silly when you think about it. We never had to sacrifice anything. Mike had a girlfriend who he had to leave behind, but I didn’t have anything. I’d had girlfriends, of course, but nothing serious or lasting.” He scratched the back of his neck and Ashley knew he was beginning to feel uncomfortable. More surprising was that the mention of
girlfriends
made her feel emotions she knew she had no right to feel
.
 

“We went over for our second tour the following year—July 2008. Mike had proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be his best man. But it was different this time.” His jaw tightened as he stared at the photo.  “A few weeks in, we were sent to a neighbouring village. Mike was in the truck in front of mine and I remember I was sweating like crazy with all the gear you have to wear. It’s heavy, and it’s scorching hot over there. We were thinking it would just another perimeter check, and we’d already starting placing bets who would win that night’s card game.” He smiled, but it faded quickly.

“I remember seeing this flash of light and feeling a sudden rush of heat. I didn't hear the explosion until later—it was like it was delayed. I could feel the truck being lifted off the ground. I closed my eyes as we were hit, and when I opened them again I couldn't hear anything, this ringing sound. We’d been ambushed. I kept shouting out to Mike. I saw him lying on the ground ahead of me so I crawled over to him. He wasn't moving and he was covered in blood. I tried shaking him but he didn’t respond. The medics came and said ‘he’s been shot,’ and it took me a while before I realised they were talking about me. I took a bullet right in my lung.” Jay said. rubbing his chest. “I kept telling them to help Mike, but he was already gone.”

Ashley realized she had been holding her breath. How did she not know this?

“They took me to the field hospital, and as soon as I was stable enough they flew me back to the States. I missed Mike’s funeral.” She saw his jaw clench again and he swallowed hard.

“After the surgery I developed pneumonia. It was pretty touch and go for a while, and they didn't think I was going to make it. I didn’t care, to tell you the truth. I had nothing of value to come home to. No one would miss me—I mean Dad would, sure, but I didn’t have a partner who needed me. I’d given up hope. But then Henry came to visit me.” Jay finally drew his eyes away from the photo and turned to Ashley.

“Henry? As in Henry, my grandfather?”.

Jay nodded. “He told me some of the stories from when he was in the Royal Navy, in the UK. Sometimes he came and sat beside me and didn't say anything at all. Just sat there. Sometimes he read to me—the Bible, of all books. He said he wouldn’t give up on believing in me and that unless I developed hope and a sense of purpose, I wouldn't make it through. I didn't know what he was talking about at first, but I looked forward to him visiting and he started to teach me more and more about living with purpose. I know it sounds crazy but that's how I came to know God—through Henry.”

Ashley nodded slowly.

“I asked Henry how he could believe in God. With so much suffering in the world, why doesn’t God do something to stop it? And he said to me, ‘
Jay, I
’
m sure God would ask you that same question
’
.”

Ashley felt her eyes brimming with tears but she blinked them back, grateful Jay hadn’t seen.

“So I decided to live my life with hope.” He lifted his sleeve revealing the anchor tattoo.

“An anchor?” Ashley frowned. “I'm not following”

“Hope is an anchor for my soul,” he said. “It's from Hebrews.”

“I don’t know. Sometimes things don't work out regardless of how much hope you have.” Ashley thought of her father.

“It all depends on
where
you place your hope.”

“So you decided to travel the world?” Ashley asked, waving her hand towards all the photos on the world of different places and faces and changing the subject.

“Something like that. Each year I try to spend a bit of time where ever I feel I’m led to go—usually somewhere that has suffered devastation and needs help with rebuilding. That’s something I can actually help with. The earthquake in Haiti, landslides in Columbia, bush fires in Australia. There are always people in need—you only have to look around to see that.”

Ashley mouth dropped open. “Wait. So, you use your vacation time building in countries which have had natural disasters?”

“Part of it, not all of it. I figure if I’m willing and able, why not?” He turned to the wall of photos. “I’ve met some great people, and we’ve developed friendships that will last forever. It helps put life into perspective when you see all the chaos and destruction. But the thing I love the most is that even in all that darkness and despair, there is a light that shines through. When those who are suffering see the world reaching out to help them,
they
start to develop hope. That's what they need most, hope. So I get something in return. It might sound greedy, but it makes me feel better about myself, knowing that while I can’t change the world, I
can
make a difference.”

Ashley was speechless. She cleared her throat. “I don't know what to say. I feel horrible that I never knew this about you.”

“Would it matter if you had known?” Jay asked.

“Well, no. I don't know. Maybe. But I'm surprised Bryan or Mom didn't tell me.”

“Maybe they thought it wasn't important. I’m sure you've had more important things to focus on.” Jay smiled lopsidedly.

She had
thought
so, but after hearing about Jay’s life for the last eight years, all her goals and actions seemed to fall short. A long way short.

“Don’t you have another tattoo? I thought I saw one on your chest as well. Are they someone’s initials?” she asked, mentally preparing herself to hear about a romantic partner.

“It stands for Awareness, Sacrifice, Dependency and Humility. It's from Thessalonians: ‘
Aim to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands.
’”

Ashley looked around at the house he had built. “Well, you’ve certainly done that. But I didn’t think Christians were allowed tattoos. Isn’t that one of the commandments? Thou shalt not get tattooed?” She raised an eyebrow.

Jay smiled. “Fortunately God looks at the heart. It’s only man who judges by the outside appearance.”

“Aren’t you worried about what they’ll look like when you're old?” Ashley asked.

“Not really.” Jay shrugged. “I can’t imagine I’m going to be a cover model when I’m eighty.”

He could be wrong about that. She couldn't tear her gaze away from his smile, that same sensation she had felt in the bar on Saturday night. Pinned. She shook her head, clearing her mind and tried to find something to change the subject              .

“Where's your room?” Ashley asked realising she hadn't seen a door leading to his bedroom.

“Upstairs.” He headed towards a staircase that was behind them, between the wall to the laundry and the kitchen.

“Can I have a look?” Ashley asked, “I don’t mean to pry, but I’m curious. I saw that massive window when we were outside, so I’d love to check out the view. Do you mind?”

Jay shrugged. “If you want to.”

She nodded. She knew it was probably a little intrusive, but she was in awe of this house and wanted to explore it all.

As she climbed the steps she looked up to the wall in front of her. It was an exterior wall but it was one of the most unusual things she had ever seen. The entire wall was made of what appeared to be colorful glass bottles cemented into the wall.

“Wow, what is that?” She paused and looked back at Jay, who was still at the base of the stairs.

“Bottles,” he replied “I laid them on their side and incorporated them into the wall.”

It was breathtaking. The combination of the golden glow from the sun and the rainbow of colors shining in through the bottles made it feel as though she were in a dream world. She shook her head in disbelief.

“This is . . . I don't even have the words . . . I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

“Do you like it?” Jay asked.

“I love it!” She ran her fingers over the colored glass.

She saw something flash in his eyes. He seemed almost relieved that she approved. She turned and continued to the top. Upstairs was one big massive room, with a railing around the stairwell so she could see downstairs to the kitchen, dining and living area.

Again, the walls were a simple timber, but a huge glass window nearly covered the front wall and two sides. His bed faced the window and the stunning view of the lake. A massive plush brown rug was thrown on the floor in front of his bed.

“No curtains?” Ashley lifted an eyebrow as she noticed the lack of window dressings, realising he would be getting dressed—and undressed—in full view of anyone standing outside.