Anchor of Hope (5 page)

“Ahhh, I see,” Jess said giving a knowing nod. Ashley frowned, not knowing who Nicole was referring to. After all she had been away for over eight years. Who knew how many people had moved in—and out of—Sweet Home during that time.

Nicole leaned close to Jess, giggled, and whispered something into her ear.

Ashley took another sip of her beer and spotted him over the top of her glass, sitting in the back row of the sports section. It was no wonder she hadn't noticed him before. He was looked different. Much larger than she had remembered. Strong and solid, rugged looking, like a lumberjack with his full beard, tan and the hint of a tattoo peeking out from underneath his upper arm. He was leaning across his chair talking to the man sitting across from him. As he went to pick up his drink from the table he glanced back and spotted her.

Their eyes locked and Ashley felt a sudden chill rush through her body. She wasn't sure if she should wave or pretend she hadn't seen him but he held her gaze. It was as if time had come to a standstill. His expression was completely unreadable. Despite the drink, her mouth felt dry and everything sounded muffled and distant.

He raised his drink to his lips and returned to watching the game on the TV, as though he hadn't noticed her. Ashley hadn't even realized she had been holding her breath.

“Ash. Hellooo?”

She blinked a few times and turned to see Nicole and Jess staring at her.

“Excuse me?” Ashley asked, embarrassed about her distracted and obvious lack of attention to the conversation.

“I was telling Nicole about the last time we came to visit you, when Coco was only a toddler and she vomited all over Steven's couch.” Jess laughed. “I felt so bad. It was brand new and probably worth more than my car!” Jess and Nicole both giggled. Ashley felt her pulse beginning to return to normal and took another sip of her drink. She forced a smile and felt a shudder spread through her body.

“Is the bathroom still near the pool tables?”  Ashley asked Jess. Jess nodded, taking another gulp of her beer. “Excuse me a moment.”

Ashley made her way into the bathroom and paused to look in the mirror. The fluorescent lights made her skin look blotchy and flushed.

She fanned herself with her hand and turned on the cold water tap, running her hand under the cool water and rubbing it on the back of her neck. The toilet flushed and a pretty young girl with dark hair stumbled out. As she washed her hands she stared uncomfortably at Ashley.

“You're not from around here, are you?” The girl’s voice was slurred.

“No,” Ashley replied.

“I could tell. You're pretty.” The girl hiccupped. “Are you here for the Jamboree?”

“Thank you, and  no. It's my mom's wedding next week.”

“Your mom, wow!” The girl struggled to open her eyes wide, like it was the most amazing news she had ever heard. “How do you get your teeth so white?”

Ashley laughed out loud. “I don't know. I brush them, I guess.” She tried to hide her amusement. “Are you all right?”

The girl flapped her hand through the air. “I'm fine. Fiiiine. F-I-N-E.” She started to laugh hysterically “That spells finny. I'm finny!” The girl placed her hands on the vanity to support herself. “Like a fish!”

Ashley tried not to laugh and moved to tuck an arm around the drunk girls’ back before she stumbled and fell.

“Come on. Let’s go and see if we can find your friends.” Ashley helped her back out to the bar area, scanning the room to see if anyone appeared to be searching for someone. A young girl in a cute white summer dress, denim jacket and brown shoulder bag and dark blonde hair dashed over.

“Stacey, I was looking everywhere for you. Thank you so much,” the girl said as she helped to support her friend.

“Not a problem,” Ashley said. “I think you better get her home.”

“Yeah, we’re leaving. My sisters outside getting the car at the moment.”

“Isn't she pretty?” Stacey said to her friend.

Her friend nodded and smiled apologetically. “Thanks again.”

“Get her to drink a big glass of water with two alka seltzer's before she goes to sleep.”

She felt sorry for the girl, and couldn't help but be reminded of herself when she was younger. She had spent many days hung over, trying to remember what had happened the night before.

Ashley returned to her friends, and a newly-poured beer was waiting for her.

“You OK?” Jess asked.

“What? Oh yeah, I'm fine. There was an intoxicated girl in the bathroom. I was making sure she got back to her friends safely.” Ashley took a sip and shot a quick glance over to the sports section.

“He's gone.” Jess gave a knowing smile.

“What?” Ashley tried to give her best I don't know what you're talking about expression.

“You can relax. He left.”

Ashley took another sip and shrugged, waving her hand in dismissal. “It doesn't bother me, honestly.” She glanced around again, taking a sip of her beer as she did so.

“Honestly?” Jess raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

Ashley shrugged again and felt foolish, as though she were over-compensating for her lack of credible excuses by fidgeting. She made a conscious decision to control herself. Ashley had dated Jay all throughout high school. They had grown up together in Sweet Home. Ashley couldn't help but think their relationship had been purely out of boredom and convenience—and the fact that there weren't any other suitable partners to choose from in such a small town. He was a star when it came to sports, quick reflexes and lots of strength, but he was also funny and seemed to like making everyone laugh in class, much to the teachers’ disappointment.

She felt her lip twitch as she recalled his smile, his eyes would sparkle and he had had such a great sense of humour, in fact she couldn't remember a time when he wasn't making someone smile.  “He's an adult. I'm an adult. We’re free to make our own choices. If he wants to—”

“It's OK Ash. You don't have to justify yourself to me.”

Ashley bit her lip and nodded.

“But you're right we're free. This is ’Merica!” Jess raised her glass and her voice and was greeted by several cheers from nearby patrons who also raised their glasses. Jess and Ashley clicked glasses and continued to down their drinks.

She still felt uneasy; she knew that with Sweet Home being such a small town that she was likely to bump into Jay again at some stage. But  seeing him in the bar had felt awkward and surreal—and unsettling. Their relationship had ended so abruptly following the death of her father. Ashley had simply sent Jay a text message saying it was over and she was leaving, and  hadn't bothered to answer his phone calls or text messages. There was no point. She had made up her mind that she was never coming back to this town. That was, until her mother had to go and decide to get re-married.

She couldn't help but notice Nicole had left as well—was Jay the man she had referred to earlier? From the looks of the other men sitting in the sports screening area, it was highly likely.

The night continued with a blur of colorful lights, head-pounding music, laughter and feeble attempts at dancing. It was ironic that her first night back in town was beginning to resemble the same way she had spent most of her nights when she actually lived here—a drunken blur that she would likely forget—and regret—in the morning.

When Ashley awoke the next morning, everything hurt. Her head was throbbing like it was about to explode, and her mouth was so dry she could barely swallow. It was 11:45 a.m. and she groaned as she rolled over in bed and slowly opened her eyes. She squinted as the harsh sun light stung her eyes. She blinked a few times until her eyes adjusted.

She gasped in horror at the black creature sitting on the bed staring at her with its one beady eye. It was her mom's old cat, Jasper, although his fur was more patchy than she remembered. She was surprised he was still alive, she thought he’d died already. After all, he be almost twenty years old.

He stared at her, a bit of drool dangled precariously from his lower lip.

“Rowr.” His meow sounded more like a creaky floorboard. He lifted a front left paw and began licking it, revealing missing teeth. Ashley felt her stomach churn, repulsed by his appearance.

She slowly stood up, supporting herself on the bedside table, pressing one hand to her face.   

There was a glass of water beside her bed and she downed the whole thing. She had slept in an old oversized tee shirt and socks so she ruffled through her suitcase until she found her tracksuit pants, and pulled them on. She was still lacking the motivation to unpack. She made her way downstairs to the kitchen, opening the medicine cabinet in search of the Alka Seltzer packet and found a note on the counter top.

Ash,

Hope you had a good night with Bryan and Jess.

We've gone to church.

Help yourself to breakfast.

We'll be home around noon.

Mom

xx

She shouldn't have drunk so much. Martin and Jane must have known she’d had a big night out, and now they were at church. She could only imagine the lecture she’d get when they came home. Her head hurt too much to even think about it right now. She swallowed a dose of Alka Seltzer, then went upstairs to shower.

She stepped out of the shower and wiped the bathroom mirror to remove the condensation. Her skin looked pale and colorless.

She ran her fingers up and over her cheekbones, pulling the skin taut and admiring the instant improvement. Sighing, she let go.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“You in there, Ash?” It was her mother.

She quickly wrapped a towel around herself.

“Yeah.”

“I'm going to make some lunch—is there anything you want? I have some nice gluten-free bread from Bryan’s shop. Do you want a ham sandwich?”

Ashley felt an involuntary lurch from the pit of her stomach and desperately lunged for the toilet bowl as the remainder of last night’s drinks and spaghetti bolognese violently departed in an unladylike manner.

“Honey?” Her mom knocked at the door again. “You all right?”

“I'll be down in a minute.” Ashley grabbed for some toilet paper to wipe her mouth.

When Ashely made it downstairs, Martin was sitting on a bench stool eating a ham salad sandwich and reading the local newspaper, while Jane busied herself preparing a sandwich.

“Here she is.” Jane smiled.

“Whoa! If you're auditioning for a role on that zombie TV show, consider yourself hired!” Martin said. Jane playfully smacked him on the shoulder.

“Big night?” Martin asked more seriously.

“Yeah. Too big.” Ashley groaned, sitting down beside him. Jane handed her a cup of coffee.

“How was your dinner with the Johnsons?”

“It was lovely. You should see their new Winnebago, Ashley. It's incredible. Isn't it incredible, Martin?”

Martin nodded and went back to reading the paper.

“It is like a house on wheels! It has a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom—”

“Lounge,” Martin added.

“Lounge. They're taking it on vacation next week and travelling all the way to the East Coast. I'd like to do something like that. Wouldn't you like to do something like that one day, Martin?” Jane asked.

“What? Oh, yeah, one day.” He wasn't paying attention.

“Grandma and Grandpa are coming for dinner tonight, Ash, or did I tell you that already? I can't remember if I did or not—my head’s all over the place this week.” Jane smiled as she closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Just this week?” Martin asked.

“Would you stop it?” Jane glared at Martin, suppressing a smile at his comments.

Martin chuckled.

As far as potential step-dads went, Martin Kingsley was great.  Her mother and Martin had met six years ago, when she she’d rescued him after a surfing accident while she was on vacation in California. They kept in touch over the internet, which was ironic considering that both of them were technologically challenged. The relationship had flourished from there, and he had moved to Sweet Home three years ago to settle down and retire after selling his painting business in California. Ashley had always thought it was bizarre that someone would willingly move from California to Sweet Home to retire—it seemed like going backwards to her—but Martin explained that love made you do crazy things.

Martin checked his watch. “I’d better get going. I told Pastor Barry I'd meet him around one.” He quickly finished his tea and kissed Jane, then headed for the door.

“Pastor Barry wants his house painted,” Jane said. “And Martin loves any excuse to use his knowledge and expertise in painting.” She smiled contentedly as she watched him leave.

“Well, we're all set for the wedding on Saturday,” Jane said, changing the subject. “We've got eighty guests coming. Can you believe that? The numbers seem to keep growing and growing, but there's enough room in the garden to accommodate everyone, so that will be fine. We need to finish up getting the lawn ready this week and Jay will be delivering the gazebo-”

“Jay?” Ashley interrupted, recoiling at the mention of his name.

“Yes, honey. I've asked Jay Henderson—you remember him—to construct us a gazebo. It's the prettiest thing you ever did see. And afterwards it will make a stunning focal piece for the garden. It's big enough for a little table and chairs, perfect for us to have afternoon tea in. I spoke with Jay earlier today and he's going to deliver it for us on Saturday morning before the wedding. Is everything OK?” Jane asked. “You look a bit pale.”

Ashley sighed. Jay had appeared ambivalent upon seeing her but she’d hoped they wouldn’t be running into each other again any time soon.

Ashley shook her head, managing a small smile. “I'm OK, a massive headache. I knew I shouldn't have gone out last night. I might go and have a walk around the garden; get some fresh air.”

“That sounds like a great idea. Some sunshine will do you good. Got to get that vitamin D into you.” Jane walked over and kissed Ashley on the top of her head. “It's good to have you home.”

The garden was stunning. The lawn was thick, lush and green. There were short hedges covered in different colored flowers, and several butterflies and bees busily got to work collecting nectar and pollen.

Just beyond the hedge were several large sugar maples, and beyond them, the lake. Ashley could see glimpses of the water as the sun reflected off the lake’s surface, flashing golden light through the gaps between the trees.

It was warm, and everything smelled clean and fresh and green.

She made her way down the small decline which led to another open lawn area, the larger space where Jane and Martin would have both their ceremony and reception. The view from the lake was much clearer here, and the water looked cool and inviting. To the back of the garden was a trail which led to the small jetty. Ashley strolled along the narrow path, listening to the sounds of the birds calling to one another and the gentle breeze as it rustled through the leaves.

The old timber jetty was still there. It was worn, but stable and Ashley walked along, peering over the edge at the water below. She sat down and dangled her feet in the water.

Ahhh.
That feels better
.

She moved her feet backwards and forwards through the cool water, closing her eyes. The sunlight warmed her entire body and her headache seemed to be easing.

Her phone rang.

She pulled it out of her pocket and answered it. Steven.

“Hi.” She was glad to hear from him.

“Hey, how's it all going?”

“Not too bad. I'm hanging out at Moms. I had dinner at Bryan’s last night and my grandparents are coming over for dinner tonight. How’s everything there? Did you manage to get that work done that you had to finish up on Friday night?”

“Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine here. I'm packing my things for Tokyo now.”

“I thought you weren't going until Thursday.” Ashley said.

“I'm not, but this week is going to be flat out at work so I figured I may as well do it while I've got the time.”

There was a slight pause.

“Have you thought any more about what I asked you the other night? About moving in?”

“I have. I mean I’ve thought about it, but I'm still not sure. It's a pretty big step.”

“We pretty much live together as it is. I don't get why you can't commit.” He sounded annoyed, angry even.

Ashley was taken aback by his tone.

“It's not like we're getting married or anything.”

“I know, I know. It's just, something doesn't feel right about it.”

Steven laughed through the phone. “That's a terrible excuse. No offence, but
something doesn't feel right'
doesn't even make sense. Facts do, and the fact is, it makes way more sense for us to be living together than paying for separate apartments.”

Why is he pushing so hard?

“I'll think about it.” It was the best she could do.

“Don't think about it, just do it. If you spend too long thinking about things you’ll end up missing the opportunity.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Now
she
was beginning to feel annoyed.

Steven didn't respond.

“Steven?”

“Nothing. I shouldn't have even said it. Take all the time you need. I told you I'd wait until you got back, so that's what I'll do.”

A million thoughts were racing through Ashley’s mind. One second he was angry and demanding, the next he was sweet and trying to be patient. It seemed hypocritical that he could claim that she couldn't commit to moving in with him, yet he couldn't he commit to marry her. Why was one action totally acceptable to him, yet the other was completely unacceptable?

“Are you mad? I'm sorry, I don't want to fight.” Steven spoke again. “I get these ideas and want everything to go according to plan and usually they do, so I don't know how to deal when I can't get what I want. Guess that's something I'll have to learn to get used to, huh?”

Ashley softened. He was pushy—she knew that—but at least he was trying. “With me? Oh yeah.” She laughed.

“Good to hear you laugh. I better let you go, and finish this packing.”

“OK, I love you,” Ashley said.

“You too,” he replied and hung up.

She sat there, staring at her phone. It was difficult to tell Steven how she was feeling. He had always been easy to offend.  She had learnt to be pleasant, friendly, and often suppressed her own desires and emotions to gain the approval of others, —especially Steven. He encouraged her to think logically and not to let emotions or feelings get in the way when making decisions, something she’d struggled with. He often dismissed anything she said that began with “I feel like...”. She knew he loved her and she could rely on him, even if he wasn't overly romantic . He just liked to do things his own way.

She lay back on the jetty and squinted up at the sky. It was a stunning azure, not a cloud in sight. The conversation had left her feeling unsettled. Watching her parents’ marriage, and her brother’s, had shown her that although the males were clearly the heads of the homes, they not only valued their partner’s feelings, but took them  into consideration. Perhaps that would come with time, and she would have to be patient with Steven.

“There you are, Ashley.” Jane appeared on the grassy bank. “I’m heading into town to get some things. Do you need anything from the store?”

Ashley shook her head and waved a dismissing hand.
       “OK, see you in a bit.”

The house was filled with a delicious aroma of Jane’s pot roast as Grace and Henry, her paternal grandparents, arrived at around 6 p.m. Being summer, the sun was still quite high in the sky.

Ashley went outside to welcome them as they arrived. Henry was still driving his old 1961 Chevrolet Impala. It was a classic—baby blue paint with white trim, and well maintained, even after all these years.

“Hi, Gran,” she said, strolling down the front steps to give her grandmother a hug. Grace was a tall woman, slender with a kind face and blonde hair which had all but turned an icy shade of grey.

Grace kissed her on the cheek, cradling her face in her hands. “Oh my Darling, look at you. So beautiful.” Her eyes crinkled.