And Baby Makes Five (17 page)

Not to mention the fact that she was enjoying spending time with Cort.

They were sitting at a restaurant near the doctor’s office. Lilly hadn’t been out to eat in a real restaurant in ages. Cort had insisted on taking her to this nice steak house when she’d suggested a hamburger place out on the highway on their way home.

Cort seemed to get joy from making her feel special. He’d opened every door for her, carried Joshua and even held her elbow as she sat in the chair he’d pulled out for her. What a man. Not that there weren’t men out there who did those things. There just had never been one who did them for her. Of course, she’d dated all of three people in her life.

Not that this was a date…oh, no, she knew better than that. Cort was just her neighbor. No matter how nice he’d been last night and today she couldn’t forget that he’d made himself quite clear at the church on not being the right man for her. He wasn’t interested in dating her. He was just being a nice neighbor.

She was on dangerous ground letting herself acknowledge everything about Cort that made her heart go thump.

Last night as she watched him drive away she’d wondered about his past. His wife had hurt him. He must have loved her very much to close himself off now and hide behind that grim expression—which had been fading more and more. Why, he actually cooed at Joshua as he’d taken him out of the car earlier. She wondered about that, too. The way he appeared to want to play with Joshua, to open up to the baby, but instead seemed to fight letting himself have free rein. It hit Lilly that Joshua would be very good for Cort. The plan she’d been toying with didn’t seem quite so far-fetched anymore. Actually, it might be the best thing for Cort. And she did want to help him. He had been so good to her and her child. Even if he didn’t think he was the right man for her…

She smiled, turning the plan over in her mind. Yes, her son needed a father figure, and Cort had been there for them during the delivery and lived right down the road. It was as if God had placed him there—not to help them as she’d first thought, but for them to help him.

Yes, that just might be it. God worked in very mysterious ways.

Cort ordered a steak, medium rare, and balked when she ordered hers well-done with a bottle of ketchup on the side.

“I know,” she said, laughing. “I’m a Texas girl, so what am I doing eating a well-done steak?”

“You live in cattle country. You know you can’t get the true taste of the meat when you burn it up like that,” he teased.

“Can’t help it. I eat ketchup on everything. You put it in my eggs the other night, so I know you like it, too. And I want my steak cooked. That’s the flavor I like.”

“The flavor of shoe leather.”

“That’s a matter of opinion. It’s all about the texture.”

“Yeah, but…okay, we’ll agree to disagree about the texture of our steaks. What do you say?”

Lilly chuckled. “I say sounds like a plan to me.”

When the waiter brought their plates twenty minutes later Lilly and Cort had laughed and disagreed on all manner of food preparation. Cort liked cold spinach out of the can, Lilly didn’t touch the green stuff—despite the never-ending effort on the part of the grannies to stuff the nasty plant into all manner of food. Cort liked peanut butter on an apple, Lilly liked banana and peanut butter squashed together in a sandwich. Cort said he couldn’t look at the stuff because it looked nasty all squashed together, much less eat it. To each his own, Lilly thought. She knew he was missing out on one of life’s premier foods.

They agreed on one thing: banana Laffy Taffy.

“If I had to choose one food to have on a deserted island with me it would be banana taffy,” Lilly commented as the waiter set her steak down in front of her.

Cort laughed. “I love the stuff, but I might have to choose something else in that situation.”

“Have it your way, but we only live once.”

Cort just shook his head and began preparing his steak.

“Why, you sneak,” she said as he opened the ketchup and bathed his steak in it. Looking up through a loose strand of black hair, he grinned sheepishly.

“I said nothin’ about the ketchup. We were talking about the texture.”

Lilly laughed. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had so much fun. Cort was a great guy.

Yep, she was certain the grannies would have changed their view of men if they’d known Cort.

At this point, Lilly really didn’t care what the grannies thought.

L
illy sat beside the window and gazed out across the lawn and into the pasture that stretched as far as she could see. Samantha was ambling about munching stalks of grass peeking up through the cold earth. The little dear had stuck close to the house for the past few days, always coming to the living-room window and looking in at her as she and Joshua sat in the rocking chair.

Lilly enjoyed rocking Joshua and staring out the window. As she sang lullabies to him she imagined spending time with him there in the yard, seeing the seasons pass as she held her child. It was a wonderful feeling…this feeling of not being alone anymore. Of having someone to love, to watch over. She’d also taken up reading her Bible to him. With Joshua’s birth, a new sense of meaning had taken over when she realized she was responsible to God to raise her baby in a manner that God would approve.

Joshua was sleeping contentedly, and Lilly had risen early to have quiet time with the Lord. Her Bible lay open in her lap. The verses she’d read filled her with hope.

Oh, there was so much to learn. Sure, her grandmothers—at least, Granny Bunches—had taken her to church and shown her that God loved her. But she had realized long ago that Granny Shu-Shu and Granny Gab had had a tilted view of the world in general, including God.

It wasn’t as if they hadn’t known the Lord, but they hadn’t walked with Him. Granny Bunches, in her soft sweet way, had never condemned the views of her mother and sister, but she had tried to show Lilly another way. A loving way. Lilly had prayed this morning that God would help her to focus on the teachings in the Bible and the loving things Granny Bunches had shown her, instead of the negative thoughts and ways that the grannies Shu-Shu and Gab had drilled into her day after day.

Just like the traditions she wanted to start setting in place in Joshua’s life, she had come to the understanding that bringing him up in the knowledge and love of God was most important of all.

Sitting there in her quiet living room, with the soft rays of sunshine filtering through lace curtains that were ages old, Lilly felt something change in her heart.

Instead of the grannies’ way, Lilly understood that it was time for her to find her own way.

And she wanted that to be God’s way.

The air was brisk as Cort urged Ringo into a slow trot. The big horse was feeling frisky today. Beneath him Cort could feel the animal straining to move more quickly, anxious to feel the freedom that came with the release of pent-up energy. Cort gave the familiar cluck with his mouth, and the big horse expanded into a lope around the round pen. Cort tried to concentrate on the exercise at hand, but his mind was not on the horse.

It was on Lilly.

For days he’d let his guard down, tried to pretend that she could remain just a friend. But he was fooling himself. He had been from the first moment he’d looked at her. Lilly was a woman with whom a man could build a future. She was outspoken, but tender. She’d had her heart broken and her dreams dismissed, but she’d managed to hold on to her optimism.

She was a wonderful mother. Every time she and Joshua were near him, he had to fight the want that filled him. He loved—no, he wouldn’t go there. He couldn’t allow himself to acknowledge the feelings that had set up camp in his soul.

They’d sat together at church again. Her sitting next to him, as Pastor Lewis talked about God’s plan for the family, seemed almost like a cruel joke. But he knew the messages were meant for the single men in the congregation who were vested in finding a wife and growing a family. Pastor Lewis was laying the groundwork for Christian men to become Christian husbands and fathers. Mule Hollow wanted to grow and become a thriving small community, and the majority of those wanting this plan to succeed were men seeking God’s will for their lives.

Lilly would one day belong with one of them.

And Cort would just have to pray for grace to be able to watch her find the love she deserved.

“Hey, Loser,” Lilly called, hating the name. The sulking dog saw her coming up the drive, lifted his scraggly head, then hopped from the porch and wiggled all the way to meet her.

“We’ve got to give you a new name.” He lapped up the attention with every fiber of his hairy body. Cort had told her more than once that Loser had started living after he’d met her and Samantha.

The idea gave Lilly a warm fuzzy feeling. But it was time to do what she’d come to do, so she sucked in a fortifying breath and said another prayer, then looked around.

“Where’s Cort?” she asked, supporting the sling that held Joshua against her as she scratched Loser between the eyes. He looked up at her with a big foolish grin on his face, but didn’t answer. So she had to rely on her ears and the clanking noise coming from the barn.

She found Cort on the ground under a tractor. His long legs stuck out from beneath the large machine.

“Hey, neighbor, got a problem?” she asked, stooping so that she could peer under at what he was doing.

His hands were covered in grease, and when he looked at her she could see there was a streak of black running across one cheek. His eyes brightened when he saw her. And Lilly’s heart faltered, then picked up a quicker pace. Even the two mile walk from her house hadn’t caused her heart to pound as it was doing now. This erratic beating was a feeling she’d come to understand only Cort’s presence could produce.

“Nothing I can’t handle,” he said, scooting from beneath the tractor to face her.

They were only inches apart, and Lilly, without thinking, reached to pull a cobweb from just above Cort’s ear. Her fingers froze on contact with his silky hair.

Cort’s gaze locked with hers and she yanked her hand back, feeling at odds with their closeness. Wanting it, yet fearing it.

Only after she was stroking Joshua’s hair could she speak. “I came to ask you something.” Her voice wobbled.

With a power she didn’t know she possessed, she forced down the fear overcoming her from the inside out and looked at Cort. He hadn’t moved. He sat in exactly the same position as when she’d reached out and touched him. His eyes drilled into hers. The intensity threatened her willpower and almost loosened the unknown, unexplored feelings she was struggling frantically to file away until later.

Later, when she was alone, when it might be safe to really look inside her heart.

Not being able to take the proximity any longer, she crossed the room to sit on a hay bale.

The day was cold, but the sun had been shining during her brisk walk and had kept her warm. Now, in the shadow of the barn, the chill swept over her and she pulled the blanket more securely around Joshua. She knew the baby sling that strapped him to her surrounded him with her body heat. He was as cozy as a bug in a rug, as her Granny Gab would’ve said. But she needed something to occupy her hands, and fidgeting with the blanket fulfilled that need. When she looked up, Cort was on his feet wiping his hands and face with a rag. He had his back to her, giving her a moment to take a deep breath.

This was crazy!

Calm down, Lilly. This is what God has been leading you to do!
“I’ve been thinking. And, well, you see…I was wondering. No, I was wanting to ask you—” As she faltered he turned toward her, his sweet face full of bewilderment.

This is right. Ask him.
“I’ve been reading my Bible. And I was reading about when Hannah gave her baby Samuel back to the Lord, she actually said she lent him back to the Lord because the Lord had blessed her with him. I want to honor the Lord for blessing me with Joshua by promising the Lord that I’ll raise him up in a godly home.”

Cort raised an eyebrow, but didn’t smile. “I think that’s a great thing to do.”

He had finished wiping his hands, and he came to lean against the stall railing a few feet away from Lilly. He tucked his fingers inside the top of his pocket and studied her.

He looked so strong and handsome. Lilly tugged at the collar of her coat and tried not to think about how his arms felt around her, or how safe she felt in them.

“Parenthood is serious business. Raising children God’s way is the greatest, most rewarding thing a parent can do.”

Cort paused, and Lilly wondered at the sadness that flickered in his expressive eyes. Had he wanted to do the same thing for his children? Children he now understood he would never father? Lilly’s heart ached. Cort would have made a wonderful father. Of this she was certain. This gave her courage to continue. If he denied her request, then at least she’d asked.

“I want to make this promise to the Lord in the sanctuary and I also wanted to ask you something. I know this is a lot of responsibility…that maybe with your business and your life you might want to say no. And I would understand. Really.”
Out with it, Lilly!
“Would you be Joshua’s guardian, godparent…if something were to happen to me?”

Cort’s head swung up from where he’d been studying his boots. His expression was blank. His jaw dropped.

Good or bad, she couldn’t tell.

“I mean, you did rescue us both. You are the reason he’s okay.” The light that had flickered in his eyes died, and Lilly fought to get it back when he didn’t answer as he studied Joshua, a sad quirk turning the edge of his mouth down.

“And you would be such a good father to him…if, if something were to happen to me.” There, she’d said it all.

Cort met her gaze and for a long moment neither of them moved. Or breathed.

“Nothing’s going to happen to you, Lilly.”

“I don’t know that.” Now that she’d spoken the words she knew the importance of them. Knew she was right. Knew in her heart he was the one to fill the spot, should something go wrong and God called her home.

“Even if something did happen there are plenty of others who would be happy to raise Joshua. I’m sure Lacy and Clint would love to be his godparents. They’d be better than an old single guy like me.”

“They would be wonderful. I know that. But you have a bond with him. And you are not old.”

“Lacy has a bond. She delivered him.”

Lilly reached out and laid her hand on his forearm. His muscles tensed beneath her fingers. “But you got him there. You came through the night and carried us to safety. You’re the one God sent to take care of us.”

Cort thought for a long moment and Lilly’s heart sank. She knew he didn’t want her, but she’d hoped that he would want Joshua.

“I’ll be his godparent.”

Lilly didn’t know if she should be happy or sad at the tone of his voice. But then again, she’d known getting him to say yes would be like splitting logs with a rubber ax.

“I would be honored to take the responsibility that goes with the request.”

Okay, so that sounded better. A tremor raced up the base of her spine and Lilly stood on shaking legs. “Thank you.”

Tears of relief suddenly stung her eyes, and before she could help it, one slipped from the corner, trailing down her cheek. She dashed it away with her hand and turned to go. Her emotions seemed to be sitting on her shoulder these days. Thing was, she really didn’t understand what was wrong. She couldn’t blame her wobbly emotions on lack of sleep anymore.

Cort’s hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“Lilly, don’t cry. Nothing’s going to happen to you.” Cort gently turned her toward him and wrapped his arms around her, tenderly cupping Joshua between them. She melted.

Home.

The word swelled in her heart. Suddenly she knew the truth. She’d tried to deny it. Tried to overcome it. But in her heart of hearts she knew in the circle of Cort’s arms she’d found her place.

“And with the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.”

The familiar verse from second Genesis sprang out at her, surrounded her and she knew…

She knew she’d found the man God had intended her for.

Cort tightened his arms around Lilly and cherished the feeling of her and her child next to him. Waves of regret washed over him for a lost past and a future he could never have. But he could give her what she asked, knowing that he would do anything needed to make her life and Joshua’s easier.

He didn’t want to see her cry. Looking down, he tilted her chin toward him and looked into the shining gold of her eyes. When her lip trembled and her eyes misted, he kissed her.

He’d meant only to hold her, to console her, but his heart got in the way, and the need to acknowledge his love for her overwhelmed him.

He did love her. He’d loved her from the first moment he’d seen her lying on the floor of his barn with that unbelievable bright smile spread across her lovely face. She had an undaunted spirit. One even a lasso couldn’t hinder.

But she can’t be yours.

The cruel truth hissed through him. It took everything he had to pull away from her. She had accepted the kiss with warmth and returned it with a sweetness that broke his heart.

“This,” he said as he rammed a hand through his hair and tried not to heed the questions in her eyes, “isn’t a good idea. It wouldn’t work.”

“Why not?” she asked. Her voice was soft. A whisper. Her eyes were dark with emotion. “I know I’m not your wife. But—”