Angels in Pink: Holly's Story (Lurlene McDaniel (Mass Market)) (10 page)

eighteen

WITH A SICK feeling of dread, Holly hurried to the oncology wing, asked for Ben’s room number at the nurses’ station, steeled herself and entered his room.

Ben’s face lit up as soon as he saw her. “Holly!”

He held open his arms and she gathered him up and hugged him. “How are you doing?” She tousled his hair, regrown thick and blond after he’d recovered from his last chemo treatments. He would probably lose it all again.

“I got sick. Doctor says I have to come back and get more medicine.” Ben looked resigned to his fate.

Holly’s heart went out to him. “I’m still working here, so I can be with you. If you want, that is.”

“Will you still be my girlfriend?”

“You’re my main man.” She swallowed around a lump in her throat. “Is your mom with you?”

“She’s getting some tea, then she’s coming back.”

Relieved that Ben wouldn’t have to spend so much time by himself this visit, she said, “Well, I can stay with you too sometimes. Maybe we’ll get ice cream again. Do you still like ice cream?”

“Sure.” Ben offered a sweet smile.

Ben’s mother came into the room. “Holly. You heard.”

“The nurse told me.”

Beth-Ann set down a paper sack and offered Ben some candy. “I’m going to talk to Holly in the hall, honey. I won’t be long.”

Ben picked up the TV remote. “Cartoons are on.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Holly told Ben, and went with Beth-Ann into the corridor. Ben’s mother was young and shy. Now she looked haggard. “I—I’m really sorry,” Holly said.

“I thought he was home free. Then a few weeks ago, I saw some bruising on his little legs. He told me he fell off his bike, but deep down, I knew. My mom moved in to watch Howie, and I brought Ben yesterday. A few tests confirmed the worst.”

“When will he start chemo?”

“Tomorrow.” Beth-Ann’s soft Southern accent made the single word sound forlorn. “It’s just that every time he goes out of remission, it’s less likely the chemo will work.”

“How about a bone marrow transplant?” Holly was thinking of Raina and Emma.

“We’ve all been tested—even little Howie— but none of us is a match. That’s kind of crazy, but it’s true. So he’s been registered in the National Bone Marrow Donor Program. Maybe someone will match him.”

Holly saw that Ben’s options were narrowing. Knowing how far he and Beth-Ann lived from Parker-Sloan, she asked, “So, will you be able to stay with him the whole time?”

“So long as Mama can keep up with Howie. I’ll probably run home a couple of times a week ’cause I don’t want little Howie to forget me. Plus Mama’s getting up there in years, and chasing a toddler around is hard work.” Beth-Ann smiled. “Ben’s daddy is driving extra shifts. We have insurance, but the bills mount up. We’re almost out of major medical benefits.”

Holly had never considered that their insurance would run out. “I’ll stay with Ben whenever you need me to.”

Beth-Ann smiled kindly. “You’re a good person, Holly. One of the nurses told me what happened to your brother, and I’m real sorry.”

Holly nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She said goodbye and returned to her shift on pediatrics, but just as soon as she could, she left for home. She made it inside the house before the dam broke and she started crying.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” her mother asked, meeting her in the foyer. “Come sit on the sofa and tell me what’s happened.”

Holly told her mother about Ben, but as she did, her tears of sadness turned into tears of anger. When she stopped to blow her nose, she announced, “You were right all along, Mom. Everything you said about God is true. He’s nothing but a big joke!”

Evelyn looked startled. “I—I never said that.”

“Sure you did. In so many words. I mean, if he really cared about us, then why do little kids like Ben have to get sick?” She almost added,
“. . . and why did Hunter die?”
but checked herself at the last moment. “I’m like you now, Mom—I don’t believe in God anymore. Going to church and thanking him for everything is for stupid people.”

Evelyn said nothing. She just held Holly, rocked her, stroked her hair. Holly started to pull away, realizing that she was too old, too mature to be crying like a baby on her mother’s shoulder. But her mother resisted, so Holly remained in her embrace, suddenly realizing that it was the first time Evelyn had held her since that night in Hunter’s room. Holly shut her eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of her mother’s skin, relishing the comfort she felt in her mother’s arms.

“Good news, girlfriend!” Raina dropped her books with a thud on the library study table across from Holly, who was already doing home-work. “I’ve pulled all my grades out of the toilet. Mr. Crowder’s giving me a D, but all my other teachers have told me I’ve come up to Cs and C-pluses.”

The library was decorated for St. Patrick’s Day, with green four-leaf clover and leprechaun cutouts strung everywhere. Over the central desk a rainbow hung, dipping into a pot of gold on one end. A sign read FIND YOUR GOLD IN BOOKS.

Holly grinned. “Way to go. And don’t sweat it—Crowder gives everybody Ds.”

“Not you.”

Holly shrugged self-consciously. “I give him my evil eye all the time. Turns him into a robot to do my will.”

Raina looked thoughtful. “We’re getting close to the end, aren’t we?”

It took Holly a second to grasp her meaning. “You mean graduation?”

“Exactly. Have you picked a college?”

“I’ve gotten a few acceptance letters from state universities, but nothing’s ringing my chime.”

“You still irked about Kathleen going to USF? And me—well, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing.”

“That tantrum I pitched was so lame,” Holly confessed, remembering. How could she ever have gotten into such a snit with friends as good as hers? “You can always start at the community college and transfer in a year or two.”

“I’d have to go in on academic probation.” Raina shook her head. “I’m still thinking about a plan. At least Mom’s backed off my case since she sees me working harder for my grades.”

“That’s good. Who needs to be infected with Mom hassle?”

Raina giggled. She opened her book, read a few paragraphs, then looked over at Holly. “How’s Ben doing?”

Holly sighed and slumped in her chair. “Sick as a dog. But I stop by to see him whenever I’m at the hospital. I read to him, give his mom a break. The grandmother brought Howie by the other day. He’s so cute. And he cried when it was time to leave Ben and his mom.”

“How long will Ben be there this time?”

“Until they get him into remission. It could take a long time.”

“Poor guy.”

“Beth-Ann told me that their whole church was praying for Ben and that she thought God was going to heal him.” Holly scoffed. “As
if.
”

Raina arched an eyebrow. “You don’t believe it?”

“I don’t believe
any
of that stuff anymore.”

“Doesn’t that upset your parents?”

“Oh, Dad still preaches the party line, but I think Mom’s over the hump of illusion.”

“I’m surprised.”

“Why? You’ve never believed it. Hasn’t affected your life.”

Raina toyed with the pages of her book, looking troubled. “But I always respected that you believed it.”

They were silent, and the sounds of shuffling feet, books plopping onto tables and the squeaky-wheeled library cart filled the time. Finally, Raina said, “Hunter wouldn’t like knowing that you stopped believing, you know. He wouldn’t like it at all.”

Kathleen said, “Prom’s coming in a few weeks. You and Chad want to double with me and Carson?”

Holly was caught off guard. She’d not given her senior prom a single thought. They were eating lunch in the commons area of the high school, rather than in the cafeteria, because it was Senior Privileges Day. “Good question. I don’t know.”

“Don’t you want to go? You used to talk about it all the time.”

“I used to talk about a lot of stuff that doesn’t mean much to me now.”

“But you have a boyfriend. And it
is
the prom.”

“Are you going to Carson’s prom too?”

“He said it didn’t matter to him which one we went to, and told me to pick whichever one I wanted to attend, because he wasn’t getting into a tux two times in one month.”

Holly smiled. “And you picked ours. How loyal.”

“I don’t like the snobby crowd at Bryce.”

“I guess you’ll be getting a new dress.”

“Absolutely. Mom’s in a great mood these days, what with her engagement and all.” Kathleen rolled her eyes. “I’m buying the coolest dress I can find. We could shop together,” she added hopefully. “Do you want to go with Chad?” Kathleen asked suddenly, having doubts for the first time. “I mean, is there anyone else in the picture?”

“Ben, but I’d have to check him out of the hospital for the night and he’d have to stay up past his bedtime.”

Kathleen took a bite of her sandwich. “Have you, um, kissed him yet? Chad, I mean.”

“Nope. I don’t think either one of us has gotten up the nerve. He’s self-conscious about his CF. And I’m not sure I want to go there with him.”

Kathleen recalled how much angst she’d suffered before kissing Carson. “Well, the first kiss is the hardest. After that, it’s really fun.”

“We’d go together, right?”

“Four peas in a pod.”

“I guess Raina won’t be going.”

“Can’t imagine it. Funny, you know—I always thought I’d be the one sitting home on prom night.”

“Me too,” Holly said.

Chad seemed overjoyed when Holly invited him to her prom, asking her more questions than she’d have thought possible, but she was patient with him, reminding herself that Chad was homeschooled and didn’t know a lot about regular high school life. “Call Carson for more details,” she said finally. “He knows all that guy stuff.”

“I know enough to ask what color dress you’re wearing.”

“I’ll let you know when I buy it.”

He was quiet. “Thanks, Holly. It means a lot for you to ask me.”

“We’ll have fun,” she said lightly, hoping he wouldn’t read more into the invitation than she meant. No use in either of them getting psyched up for more than they might ever be able to give each other.

nineteen

EASTER CAME EARLY, and spring break was scheduled for the last week in March. The prom was set for the second weekend in April. While most of Holly’s classmates drifted farther south to beaches and parties, she intended to spend every free minute at the hospital, along with Raina and Kathleen, who had declined Carson’s invitation to head to Miami with him and some of his friends.

“But what if that horrible Stephanie goes and you’re not there to protect your turf?” Raina asked Kathleen when she told them.

“I guess I’ll just have to trust him,” Kathleen said. “And besides, the party scene just isn’t me. We’d probably just fight the whole time.”

“And—?” Holly asked, sensing there was more to the story.

“And my mom won’t let me go.”

“Aha!” Raina said.

“I’m living at home; Mom still calls the shots.”

“Maybe we can go to one of the big new movies,” Holly suggested. “Some good ones are opening Easter weekend.”

“Suits me,” Raina said. “Nothing else to do.”

So they agreed to spend the holiday attending one movie after the other.

Holly was relieved because she had been dreading the Easter holidays. Easter Sunday had always been celebrated with new clothes, a sunrise church service and breakfast in the church fellowship hall served by the youth group, followed by the regular church service and then a huge meal at home with her family and many invited friends. Her mother cooked for days, preparing for the big feast. This year, everything was going to be different. Holly was too old for chocolate bunnies and baskets of colored eggs. What she wanted was for things to be the same as before Hunter’s death. What she wanted was to not repeat the disastrous Christmas holiday.

When she drove home after her day-long shift on Thursday, she was surprised to open the front door to the aroma of cooking food. She found her mother in the kitchen busily preparing supper and putting away sacks full of groceries. “Good. You’re home,” Evelyn said. “Dinner’s just about ready.”

“You’re cooking?”

“Don’t looked so shocked. I still remember how.” Evelyn lifted the lid on a frying pan and stirred the contents. “Help put things away. We’re having Kevin and his wife and a few others over on Sunday. I got a huge ham, so you’ll have to move things around to get it in the fridge.”

Kevin was the youth director at their church and had been a good friend of Hunter’s. Holly started unloading the bags. “You’ve got a lot of food here.”

“It’s going to be a big meal. Don’t make plans on Saturday. I’ll need your help.”

“Um—what’s happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“You—you just seem . . . different.”

Evelyn slid a wooden spoon onto the stove-top. Her expression looked solemn but serene. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I think it’s time I returned to the land of the living.”

This was the mother Holly had been missing. “What . . . brought you back?”

Evelyn held Holly’s gaze. “A moth. And you.”

Holly almost said something flip, but the look on her mother’s face was serious. She couldn’t imagine how either she or a moth was relevant to her mother’s change of heart, and couldn’t quite decide on the explanation she wanted to hear first. After a second, she said, “Okay, I’m curious—how did a moth change you?”

Evelyn turned down the flame under the frying pan, went to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair. “Sit.”

Holly settled across from her mother and waited patiently while Evelyn gathered her thoughts.

“I was standing at my bedroom window the other day. I was alone and the house was quiet. Like a tomb. And then I heard this tapping sound and I looked down. I saw a moth frantically flapping its wings against the glass pane, trying to get outside. And I thought, ‘Stupid bug. You can’t go through solid glass.’ I told the moth that it was useless; it would never get out that way.” She half smiled. “Stupid me, huh? Talking to a moth. The moth was destroying itself, Holly. The fine powder of its wings was coming off on the glass, collecting on the windowsill, and without the powder, it wouldn’t be able to fly, even if it got outside, which it wouldn’t.” Evelyn paused. “Then I realized that
I
was like that moth.”

The image burned vividly in Holly’s mind— the flailing moth, the sunlight pouring through the glass, beckoning to the bug’s primitive instinct to soar toward the bright light.

Moisture filled Evelyn’s eyes. “All these months, I’ve been beating my wings against the glass, trying to find a way out of all this pain, and blaming God for taking away my son. I can’t bring Hunter back. Hating God won’t do it. Isolating myself from my family won’t do it. He’s gone from this life forever.”

She took a deep shuddering breath. Holly’s eyes filled with tears of empathy. What her mother had said was true. Hunter would never return to them. “But,” Evelyn added firmly, “although I won’t see him here, on this side of time, I still believe that I will see him on the other side. In heaven.”

The room went quiet until only the bubbling of the pan on the stove could be heard. Outside, a car horn blared. Across the room, the refrigerator hummed. For her mother, nothing had changed and everything had changed. Holly longed to feel the same kind of revelation, but she was confused. Was heaven even real? Could she believe in such a place again? It seemed so childlike, so much like a fairy tale.

Evelyn said, “Ironic, isn’t it—how the most ordinary things in life can shine a spotlight into the darkest places of a person’s heart and bring understanding.”

“And what about me, Mom? What did I do to change things for you?”

Evelyn plucked a napkin from the holder on the table and blew her nose. “After we talked that day you told me about Ben, I realized that I had given you a wrong impression.”

“What was that?”

“I haven’t lost my
faith
in God, Holly. But I did lose my
way
to him. In spite of how I’ve acted, I still believe in him. I’m mad at him— furious—but I still believe. God is my only hope for going on with this life, in order to enjoy the next one. I—I don’t want you to lose your faith because of me.”

“I’m not so sure I feel the same way as you do, Mom.” It was a difficult thing for Holly to admit, but she wanted to be honest too. She expected a lecture, and braced for it.

Instead, Evelyn said, “I can’t give you faith, Holly. I can raise you in faith. I can teach you what I believe, but faith is for you alone to discover.”

“I’m not sure what I believe anymore.”

“That’s fine. You will eventually.” Evelyn reached across the table, clasped Holly’s hand. “I love you, Holly. With all my heart. I’m so sorry I checked out on you and your father for so long.”

Holly shrugged self-consciously. “I knew you were hurting. It’s okay.”

“We all were hurting.”

Holly searched the raw exposed emotion etched into her mother’s features. She saw tiny lines at the corners of her mother’s eyes and mouth. She saw gray hairs nestled in the mass of dark hair around her face. When had that happened? Holly cleared her throat. “What happened to the moth?”

“I caught it in a plastic cup, opened the screen and tossed it at the sky. It seemed the right thing to do.”

For days, Holly thought about their conversation, long after Easter was gone and April had come. She was glad that her mother had found a way out of her self-imposed exile and pain. But for Holly, it was more complex. The loss of Hunter had shaken her world in more ways than just the horrible loss of her brother. She no longer felt safe with the things she had believed in while growing up. She no longer felt protected and comfortable with her parents’ values, or their beliefs. The fact that she attended church with God-fearing parents did not shelter her from evil. That childhood world was gone now. In its place was uncertainty, a sense of indecision, of being stalled, of wanting to know what to think and believe, but of being unable to figure out where all the pieces fit that shaped the new and unexplored configuration of her life.