Angels of Humility: A Novel (37 page)

“My Word says that I gave you My commandments that it may go well with you.
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My Word is truth,
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not just a good suggestion. You failed to listen; you followed your lying demons, and they led you straight to your death—like a sheep unknowingly going to the slaughter.”

Paul fell to his knees in anguish and buried his face in his hands while he rocked back and forth. “I can’t believe I failed so miserably.”

“Paul,” said Jesus, kneeling beside him and putting His arm around him, “In order to be great in the eyes of the world, you need to be intelligent, handsome, rich, have a special talent, or a certain family name. Very few have what it takes to be great in the world’s eyes. But I designed My Kingdom so everyone can be great because to be great in My Kingdom one only needs to humble himself and be the servant of all. Everyone with desire can do that. Paul, you wasted your life trying to be great in the wrong kingdom. I wanted you to have your eye on the prize, but you had your eye on your pride, on making an earthly name for yourself. You didn’t value eternity and didn’t think that Heaven’s reward was worth paying the earthly price.”

Through his tears Paul watched Saldu lay a thick leather-bound book with rich tooling on top of Paul’s first book. On it in golden calligraphy was Paul’s name. The book was shining, alive with heavenly glory. As Saldu opened the first page, the book released a sweet melody, a symphony of sounds never heard on earth.

“Let Me tell you a little about My perfect plan for your life. I had a great destiny for you as I do for all my beloved children. Father, Holy Spirit, and I took such joy planning your destiny before the foundation of the world.” Saldu began to turn the shimmering pages.

“The interim position at Bradbury was never supposed to turn into a full-time position. It was only to move you to Bradbury so you could meet Sarah and take the job as chaplain. That was your life’s calling.

“Let’s go back to March 12, when you were 6,” said Jesus, motioning to Saldu. Paul looked at the page and all the overwhelming feelings from his 6-year-old heart coursed through his veins like he was actually living it for the first time. He was visiting his favorite uncle, Emery, in jail. He was the closest thing Paul ever had to a real father.

His uncle had been hunting and thought the gun’s safety was on. When he pulled in his driveway the neighbor kids came running to see the deer in the back of the pickup. While his uncle’s back was turned, a 7-year-old opened the door, reached in the pickup, and grabbed the gun by the barrel to pull it out. The shot hit her in the neck and she died in the hospital the next day.

Paul wasn’t there when it happened, and he didn’t know the little girl who was killed, but he remembered seeing his uncle’s downcast face behind those bars. When Paul and his mom stood there, his uncle looked up with tears in his eyes and said, “It was an accident,” then sobbed and sobbed. In his child’s heart and swayed by his love for his uncle, he felt a tremendous sense of injustice. He vowed one day that he would do something to help people like his uncle.

“You being a chaplain was one of the ways I was going to work your uncle’s situation for good.
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Most men at the jail had no fathers, either. I wanted to heal your heart so you could be a father to them. Jail is full of fatherless men separated from their children. You could have helped them become good fathers and break this horrendous cycle.

“Had you gone to the jail, I would have given you a healing anointing, and I would have used you to heal Sarah and extend her life’s ministry at the jail, also. She’s My joy, and I delight in her obedience when she hears My voice.”

His stern eyes flame with intensity, “Paul, you let yourself be led by your mind, not My Spirit. Of course your disobedience opened you up to deception by demonic spirits. So many times you called good evil and evil good. Your evaluations were in gross error. Your priorities were rarely mine.”

As Paul looked into the pages, he saw the jail and the faces of the inmates he would have led to the Lord and those he could have helped to lead productive lives. He saw the lives of the people whom they would have
impacted—their wives and girlfriends, children and grandchildren. To his surprise, he felt a deep love for them.

“You would have had an effective, anointed ministry there until your late 70s.” Agony and regret bore down on him so that his knees buckled, but the Lord caught him.

The next page was a family portrait. Kathy and Paul along with Jordan in his 30s, next to a pretty brunette who was holding a toddler. “This is Jordan’s wife Cynthia, and their son, Caleb; of course those plans won’t change.” Paul was at first surprised to see that there were other people in the portrait—adults and children. Then waves of indescribable pain overwhelmed him, and he knew their identity before the Lord even said it.

“You and Kathy were going to have two daughters, Susan and Diane; these would have been their husbands, Danny and Larry. And between them, they would have had these five precious grandchildren, Calvin, Canaan, Ashton, Kendra, and Lonny.”

More tears flowed as he gently reached to touch the faces of his two daughters and his grandchildren. As he touched the grandchildren, he saw flashes of himself and Kathy, in their fifties, pushing the grandkids on swings, helping them cast a fishing reel, and standing beside them on a merry-go-round.

“I had a rich, full life planned for you Paul, not only in your family life, but in your ministry. You would have touched the lives of hundreds and hundreds of My lost, hurting children, and in turn they would have touched hundreds more, but you would not yield to My leadership. In your rebellion, you walked away from My protective covering and the enemy was able to cut your life short. Everyone who hears My words and doesn’t do them I liken him to a foolish man.”
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“Kathy was right, and Sarah was right, and I was wrong. How could I have been so blind?”

“You were blinded by your pride, Paul. You were so busy trying to build yourself up that the godly opinions of others around you didn’t even register. In addition to Saldu, Holy Spirit and I were constantly wooing you. At first you disregarded our voices, but after saying no for so long, you lost all spiritual discernment. You can’t even begin to understand the pain I felt when
you ignored Us.” A tear ran down His face. “I watched you run after your idols of pride and self-promotion. Year after year I called you, Paul, hoping you’d realize that there is no satisfaction in any other. I alone am the Light and the Life. You loved yourself too much and never loved Me enough. There is suffering in earthly sacrifice, but the eternal rewards far outweigh the temporal discomfort.”

Paul was literally trembling from head to toe. He felt mentally distraught and tormented by regret. He ran his fingers through his hair on both sides of his head and bent at the waist. He pulled clumps of hair out, but he felt no physical pain and new hair immediately appeared. He began to pummel and scratch his face with his fists while screaming, screeching a primal sound. No blood or bruises appeared. He couldn’t injure himself or feel physical pain in his new, eternal, indestructible body. He’d never imagined such regret and torment was even possible. He felt he might pass out or even die.

Jesus placed His hand on Paul’s head and spoke, “Peace.” Paul didn’t stop crying, but he stopped screaming and hitting himself.

Saldu flipped to the last page. There, hovering above the book, was a hologram of a large, elaborate crown made of shimmering gold.

“Each precious jewel represents one life that you should have touched and the lives that they in turn would have touched.”

Through his tears, Paul saw the base of the ornate crown was designed with solid gold. Embedded in the gold were precious stones—rubies, emeralds, sapphires, and large white pearls in the shape of crosses. The crown was adorned with several hundred diamonds arranged in a pattern of olive branches. On the top was a large red spinel diamond, which represented Jesus’ shed blood. Paul has never seen anything so beautiful. He longed to present this amazing crown to the Lord to thank Him for the overwhelming mercy he had been shown—mercy that he now knows he never deserved and could never earn.

“Now it is time to reveal how your life lines up with My plans and My Word. When you gave your life to Me, I became your foundation and you began building your life’s work. Your building choices were gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, or straw. Everyone’s work will be put through the fire to see whether or not it keeps its value. The fire is impartial; it is the
equalizer of every person’s work. If the work survives the fire, that builder will receive a heavenly, eternal reward. But if the work is burned up, that builder will suffer great loss. The builders themselves will be saved, but like someone escaping through a wall of flames.
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Saldu bent low and blew his breath on the books, and they burst into red and orange flames. Paul hoped against hope that he would have a beautiful crown to present to his wonderful Savior. But when both books were consumed and the flames died down, all that remained was a dull, quarter-sized lump of gold. Paul’s last hope was shattered. He fell forward and caught himself on the altar. Devastation overwhelmed him as he saw that the lifetime of selfish choices had culminated in the agonizing scene that now lay before him. With sadness etched on his face, Saldu handed the small lump of gold to Paul.

Jesus approached him. Paul was filled with sorrow. Humiliated, he looked away, remembering the many warnings from Saldu. Jesus said, “Your life was mostly composed of wood, hay, and straw. Your small lump of gold is unrefined because you wouldn’t submit to My leadership. You wouldn’t go through My refiner’s fire. You were so focused on your temporal earthly life that you missed your eternal calling and your many heavenly rewards. Did you not read in My Word?
Don’t love the world and what it offers. Those who love the world don’t have the Father’s love in them. Not everything that the world offers—physical gratification, greed, and extravagant lifestyles—comes from the Father. It comes from the world, and the world and its evil desires are passing away. But the person who does what God wants lives forever.
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“My eternal Word clearly states that the first and greatest commandment is to
‘love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’
And the second is equally important,
‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
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We were all waiting to help you fulfill those commandments, but you were distracted by so many temporal things.”

Paul dropped the gold at His feet, not so much as an offering of thanks, but to rid himself of the wretched reminder of his failure, compromise, and regret. He fell on the floor writhing in agony. In the shadow of the glorious man, Christ Jesus, Paul wept and gnashed his teeth. But all the regret in the world would not buy one more chance or one more day to serve the Lord
on earth. His life was squandered, mostly worthless to God’s Kingdom, an eternal tribute to his selfishness—unrepairable, and unfixable.

He had never known such torture. He writhed in agony and screamed out, “Can Hell be more painful than this? Forgive me! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt You.” He sobbed and wailed, “Even with the Holy Spirit living inside me and angels guiding me and Your living Word, I still wasted my life. I wasted it and through my rebellion, cut it short.”

He beat his hands on the ground and wailed, rolling from side to side. “I don’t deserve to be here. I never submitted my life to You. I squandered the precious gift of life that you gave me. I only looked out for myself and didn’t care about others. How can You even love me? How can You even want me here? I don’t deserve to be here. I, more than anyone, deserve Hell. Oh, if I could only do it again.”

After what seemed like several eternities to Paul, but was really only several minutes, Jesus knelt before him. “You’re My brother, Paul; I love you.”

“Oh, Jesus, how can You love me? I’m not worthy to be Your lowliest servant. I’m so sorry I hurt you. My life is a total failure.”

“But that’s why I died, to forgive your sins and failures. I will never forsake you; you are a member of My precious, blood-bought family.”

With great compassion, Jesus took Paul’s face into His hands, His fiery eyes flashing. “Paul, I love you, and you trusted in Me for your salvation,” His nail-scarred hands wiped the tears from Paul’s left cheek. “Though you did not do many works to benefit My Father’s Kingdom, you trusted My blood to redeem you.” He wiped the tears from Paul’s right eye. Waves of grace wash over Paul. “Through My blood sacrifice on your behalf, I pronounce you totally forgiven.” The excruciatingly deep pain, shame, and regret disappeared as he felt the Lord’s great love wash over him. The agony that he thought would certainly kill him just a few minutes ago was replaced by total peace like he’d never experienced. He reveled in it. Jesus leaned close to his face. “Receive the joy of your salvation.” Paul laughed until he doubled up as waves of joy and peace engulfed him.

It was now just an eternal fact, a slice of sad history that Paul’s life had been mostly wasted. But by the miracle of God’s eternal mercy and the power of Jesus’ shed blood, not only were his sins forgiven, the sting of
regret was wiped away from Paul’s emotions forever. The heavy burden of his failures that had caused him to cry out in anguish was annihilated by Jesus’ sacrifice. Although the memories remained, all the shame and pain had been redeemed and turned into ecstatic, overwhelming gratitude to his risen Lord. Paul was passionately in love with Jesus, his wonderful redeemer, whom he now realized, had shown him unfathomable grace when he deserved none at all. For the first time, he had a clear understanding of what he deserved and what the Lord had saved him from.

A celestial dignity was bestowed on Paul that was not there before. He was now secure in the Lord’s unconditional love for him, his sins were forever forgiven, and every tear was wiped away.
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