Anything but Vanilla (29 page)

Ric chucked the towel he’d been using on to the counter-top and hopped up alongside it so that he sat directly behind where Zach stood at the island counter. ‘How’s it going?’ he enquired cheerfully.

‘Fine.’

‘Kara sent us a video message. She’s not wearing any panties tonight. I thought, maybe we could surprise her with a similar look.’

Zach cut into another fruit. ‘Maybe.’ He didn’t demand to see the recording. He was trying hard not to think about anything but the cooking. Thinking only got him worked up.

‘What’s up?’ Ric enquired. He began drumming his feet against the cupboard. ‘You seem a little tense. Is all this prep too much of a pain?’

‘It’s fine.’ Zach dug his teeth into his lower lip. Cooking wasn’t the problem. His issues were with what happened after the meal. He couldn’t deny last night had been fun, and as Kara had promised it had brought them together into some semblance of a relationship. Maybe, just maybe, it had also chipped a few chunks off the glacier-like walls around Ric’s heart. However, that didn’t mean he didn’t have reservations about tonight. Everything could still fall apart.

To Ric and Kara this was a game; neither of them had as much invested in the outcome as he. If it collapsed, they’d simply move on, whereas he’d be devastated. The niggling doubts he’d had about Ric loving Kara more hadn’t gone away either. What if, once the novelty of their ménage à trois wore off, Ric and Kara coupled up and decided they no longer wanted him around?

He paused to reach for another tomato. He enjoyed everything Kara had done, he really had, especially her sense of adventure, but he still felt threatened by her. She was lovely, but … damn it, but he’d wanted Ric to be his for eternity. Sharing him with someone had never figured as part of his plan, and how could that possibly make things any easier?

Just thinking it over made his back teeth ache.

Why would three of them being involved sweep away the restrictions and barriers that time had failed to erode?

He wished he could wholly believe in it. But he didn’t. He just didn’t. Instead his initially small doubts kept spinning into larger ones.

‘What have you been doing?’ he asked. ‘Did you make up the bed in the spare room?’ Night after night, year upon year, that’s where he ended up staying. There was no reason to suppose tonight would end differently just because they’d all slept together at Kara’s place.

‘Nope. Should I have done?’ Ric asked. He bumped down off the bench and pattered across to Zach’s side. ‘I kind of thought … We discussed this earlier, remember?’

‘What, that you’re making an exception because of Kara?’

‘No. Look, how long are you planning on staying?’

Hurt splintered in his soul. Zach slammed the knife down on the chopping board before turning to Ric. ‘I won’t get in your way, if that’s what you’re asking. Christ, if you don’t want me around just say. I’ll go.’ Tears sprang fully formed into Zach’s eyes. He raised his hand to wipe them away and brush the mop of hair away from his eyes.

Ric’s brows scrunched into an unfathomable frown. ‘Hey, that’s not what I was saying. I do want you around. That’s never been in question. I was going to say that you could stay in my bed whatever number of nights you mentioned.’

Was he supposed to believe that?

‘I can’t do this,’ he confessed. ‘This, whatever it is we’re doing. I don’t want sex with no strings, whether it’s with you, Kara or both of you together. I want some emotional warmth.’

‘Hell, give me a chance.’ Ric folded his arms across his chest so that one set of knuckles pressed against his chin. ‘Isn’t that the point of this dinner? You’re cooking so we can chat and enjoy one another’s company without it being all about the sex. Oh, and then you both fuck me silly so I never want to be parted from either of you ever again.’

So much for subterfuge; Ric had seen right through the plan. Well then, there was no chance of it working. Zach’s eyes began to sting again. He immediately snatched up the tea towel to hide their fall. ‘Onions,’ he blubbered. God, now he looked like a complete fool. Zach wiped his face with the cloth, which only worsened the problem as he genuinely got onion residue in his eyes. He rubbed at his eyes as tears coursed across his face.

‘Put your face under the tap.’ Ric’s fingers curled around his shoulder and guided him to the sink. Zach ducked his head and Ric turned on the water. He let his anger grow cold as the cold spray cascaded over his face and ran into the collar of his borrowed jumper.

When Ric turned the tap off, Zach slowly straightened.

‘I wasn’t hinting that I wanted you to leave,’ Ric explained. His fingers briefly brushed Zach’s as he passed over the towel he’d previously used to dry his hair. ‘I was just thinking about the fact that you don’t have any of your stuff with you. I mean, you’re welcome to my pants, but you …’ He tugged at the fisherman’s sweater that Zach wore. ‘You look better in your own stuff. I figured maybe we could go and pick some bits up.’

Zach shook his head slowly, refusing to accept the implied meaning behind Ric’s words. Ric would say anything in order to ensure he got his fun. The fact was this notion of the three of them having sex together turned him on, so he was just making sure Zach was around to play his part. ‘Tell me why I should go ahead with this,’ he said. What was the point if Ric already knew their plan? He wasn’t about to fall for it. ‘Aren’t I just going to end up hurt?’ No amount of fun would cushion the heartbreak afterwards, when it became apparent he was still in the same place he’d always been; only now he was sharing Ric on a permanent basis with a female lover. ‘You’re not actually going to open up. You can’t really trap someone with sex.’

‘You can if it’s good enough.’

Zach continued to shake his head. His fringe flopped over his eyes, hopefully masking his pain. ‘You don’t actually give a damn,’ he complained. ‘Would you even have cared if I’d drowned last night?’

‘What the fuck!’ Ric growled. He held his hands out wide. ‘I’m trying to give you what you want. And yes, I’d care. Fuck it, I always did. Why do you think I put up with your whining?’ Frown lines carved roads into the glacial smoothness of Ric’s freshly shaven skin. He rubbed his hand hard across his face. ‘When did you nearly drown? You weren’t in the water.’

Zach forced a laugh. ‘Of course I was in the friggin’ water. Both Kara and I were. Why’d you think I have no fucking clothes? I got wet. The tide was coming in. Do you think I’d have left the van there otherwise?’

The colour entirely drained from Ric’s face, leaving him ashen except for the red of his lips. His back stiffened, so that he stood ramrod straight. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? Why did neither of you say anything? Jesus, you invited me over last night for a threesome when you should have been at the hospital getting checked out.’ He looked ready to say more, but lapsed into silence.

Zach scoffed at the mention of hospital. The nearest one with an A&E department was forty minutes’ drive. He refused to believe in Ric’s concern, as genuine as it actually seemed. ‘I was fine. We both were. A few bruises, nothing else. I’ve been more battered surfing.’ He refused to go into the details of how he’d nearly lost his grip on Kara, or her subsequent reluctance to go near the water’s edge. What was the point?

Ric turned his back on Zach and began to pace. He completed two circuits of the kitchen island before he stopped abruptly and sank to the floor on the far side of it.

Zach waited a moment, but when Ric didn’t re-emerge, he began to realise that maybe he had actually made a mistake. Perhaps Ric really had meant what he said, that he was trying to open up and give things a try the way Zach wanted them.

Ric sat with his knees hunched up and his face hidden by his hands.

Slowly, Zach bent down by his side. ‘Do you mean it? You’re actually prepared to make this a proper relationship?’

Ric turned his head so that one eye was visible behind the wall of his arms. ‘I guess so.’ He held out his hand, and grasped Zach’s tight when he offered it in return.

‘Why now? Because of Kara?’

Ric slid his free hand across his face. ‘I guess I can see the three of us working together in a way I couldn’t when it was just the two of us. I don’t want anything that claustrophobic … or gay,’ he added quietly. ‘Now, tell me the truth about what happened last night. How much risk were you really in?’

‘We got buffeted about a bit. It was no big deal. Kara got a bit scared though.’

‘Well, I’m glad you’re both safe.’ Ric squeezed tight Zach’s hand. ‘Seriously though, if I’d had any inkling, last night wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have done that stuff.’

‘That’d be why we omitted the details. I know your wife drowned, so mentioning our dipping would have dampened the mood. We wanted you eager, not maudlin.’

‘You do know what happened, then?’

‘Only the local gossip.’ Zach had always wondered what had happened, but he’d never directed his questions at Ric for fear of the consequences. This time, however, he did ask. ‘What actually happened, Ric?’

Ric glanced up at him with sad eyes the colour of the English Channel. ‘I wondered if you’d ever ask. You kept demanding more from me, but you’ve never seemed to want to know about me. Most people pry too much; our interactions were always on the surface.’

Only because he’d seen what had happened to those who did ask questions. Zach curled his fingers into Ric’s shoulders, realising his whole plan of attack had been wrong from day one. ‘I’ve always wanted to ask. I just didn’t want to upset you. I thought you’d end things completely if I asked questions like that. Please. What did happen?’

‘She committed suicide.’ Zach’s eyes widened and Ric gave a juddering little nod. ‘I managed to keep that part out of the press. The rest I’m sure you know. We hired a yacht in order to have a party to celebrate my first big magazine cover. There were lots of foolish people there doing extremely foolish things. I don’t miss those days, Zach, nor do I remember much about them.’ He sniffed hard and then rubbed his nose against his arm. ‘At some point during the night, Scarlett jumped overboard and drowned. She was pumped full of coke and alcohol. Some walkers found her washed up on the shore. I didn’t even know she was missing.’ He looked up then. ‘Horrid, isn’t it? It should tell you what sort of person I was. The woman I loved above all else took her own life and I didn’t even notice. I was passed out on deck in a drug-fuelled haze. The police found her note.’

Zach cuddled up to Ric’s side and put his arm around his lover’s shoulder. ‘Do you miss her?’

Ric shook his head. ‘No. I don’t miss any of that world. There was never any space to breathe. It’s why I decided to move here permanently instead of staying in London.’

The strands of their hair meshed together as Zach tilted his head to rest against Ric’s. ‘I’ll give you whatever space you need, you know that?’

‘You’ll try.’ Ric nodded. ‘I know that Kara’s the right solution for us too. I don’t want to be part of a couple, but I think I can stomach the idea of a triad. That’s if you’re happy with it too.’

‘Just as long as no one gets left out.’

‘Is that what your greatest fear is?’ Ric got to his feet. He held out his hand and helped Zach up. ‘As long as we’re prepared to trust each other, that shouldn’t be a problem. Besides, you can’t have a threesome with only two people, and Kara’s far too sold on the idea of having us both.’

‘Then we’d better not disappoint her.’

‘We won’t.’

Zach returned to his chopping board, a smile stretching his lips and a fluttery feeling in his stomach. He finally had a chance of what he wanted, despite all his doubts and worries. He kept glancing across at Ric, desperate to reach out and touch him. However, Kara would be arriving soon, and he hadn’t even turned on the cooking pot.

Ric slammed into the bench beside him, occupying the space between the chopping board and the cooker. ‘What do you think Kara’s expecting from us tonight?’ He teased a piece of cut pepper off the chopping board and popped it into his mouth.

Zach waggled a warning finger at him. ‘From what she said earlier, she wants to see me fuck you in the arse.’

‘She said that?’ For a moment, Ric’s mouth hung open. Then he chuckled, and reached for a second slice of pepper, only for Zach to bat his hand away. A strange sort of hand jive occupied the next minute or so, as Zach protected his vegetables and Ric tried to steal them. Eventually, Ric settled for a slice of tomato.

‘Course, I said I didn’t know if you’d be up for that. I wasn’t sure being in the middle would rock your boat.’

Ric pinched his lips between his forefingers. He watched Zach scoop up the ingredients and throw them into a saucepan. ‘Reckon you can satisfy me like that?’ he asked.

‘You know I can. Remember the shower that time. The real question is: can you satisfy her like that, or are you going to come after forty seconds?’ Zach glanced up in order to watch Ric’s reaction. His lover’s expression grew serious a moment, lips pursed, jaw emphasised.

‘I think … I think,’ he said slowly, ‘I’d better have some practice, hadn’t I?’

Zach blinked. He dropped the spoon he’d been holding. ‘Now?’

Ric gave a nod.

Oh, God! It was aeons, absolutely aeons since they’d done this. Prickles of tension rode Zach’s skin so strongly that he had to move. He lurched forward unsteadily, caught Ric and forced him backwards until they hit the wall. Then Zach kissed him. He kissed Ric in the way he’d always wanted to, holding nothing back, taking everything he needed. It was raw and brutal, and at the same time left him exposed, but it no longer mattered. He clenched his fist in Ric’s long hair and bent him backwards, exposing his throat, then wrenched up his cotton T-shirt, uncovering first his abs and then his chest. Skin, muscles, the ridiculously intricate tattoo inked across Ric’s back, Zach was going to claim it all. For a moment or two at least Ric was his, and he was going to prove it.

‘Hands flat against the wall,’ Zach growled. He actually pushed Ric’s hands into place where he wanted them, out wide either side of his hips, palms flat against the whitewashed brickwork, fingertips slightly curled. ‘Don’t move.’