Apprehension and Desire: A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (7 page)

“Do you not understand that I am worried for you! Something may happen to you!” He hovered over her. “Why are you so obstinate about this?”

She raised one finely drawn eyebrow. “I can ask you exactly the same question.”

Darcy walked from her, pacing the restricted space of the small room. Why was she so stubborn? He was not used to such behaviour. His sister, Georgiana, would never have wanted to oppose him in such a way. He only wanted the very best for her. It was his right, his responsibility. He wanted her safe and protected. What was wrong with that? Why could she not see that?

He strived to calm himself. “Well, then,...would you consider using one of my aunt’s carriages?”

“I am not sure whether Lady Catherine will be willing to...”

“She will,” he interrupted her. “I will take care of that.”

“As you wish,” she said quietly after a moment.

He smiled, pleased that she had agreed with him. He walked to her. “I will go now.”

“Yes, you must be tired after the long journey.”

He took her hand. “We shall see each other tomorrow.”

She shook her head. “No, yet today. Your aunt invited us to dinner.”

He leaned into her, and whispered in low, soft voice. It was so natural to use such tones when speaking to her. “Then I will have the pleasure of seeing you again tonight.”

“Yes.”

He wanted to say something more, touch her again, but her expression did not invite that. She had withdrawn into herself and did not look at him. He walked to the door and, with a final glance at her, left the room.

He had not imagined it like that. He had always thought her to be more responsive.

“I must be patient with her,” he whispered.

Elizabeth did not go for a walk that day, as she preferred to stay in her room. She could not concentrate on reading, or on anything else. Her father had offered her a safe escape, a rescue from the situation she had put herself in. She was grateful for that, but she did not know whether she would use it.

She was torn; she was afraid. Was she ruining her life or attempting to make it better? The more she thought about her situation, about her decision, the more undecided and confused she was. The only bright point that she had no doubts about was Jane. She wanted to help her sister, and now it was in her power.

She could not forget about what had induced her to accept Mr. Darcy’s proposal in the first place. The fate of Parker sisters was the last thing she desired. The life of humiliation and loneliness, as a governess, or a mistress of some wealthy man, was something she wanted to avoid not only for herself, but for her sisters as well. She felt depressed merely thinking of it. Mr. Darcy was her only chance to rescue herself. Who could guarantee her that another man of means would come her way in the future?

As Mrs. Darcy, she would have social standing and respect; the distress and humiliation would certainly accompany her existence daily, but at least she would  have her own family, surely children. Mr. Darcy would make sure to visit her bedchamber often enough to have his heir. She would have someone to love. Perhaps she would have more than one child.

At least Jane would be happy. With their new connections to Mr. Darcy, Mr. Bingley, as his best friend, would reappear in their lives. Jane would be given another chance with Mr. Bingley - a chance for true happiness and a true love match.

Her father gave her time to think, to change her mind, but was it wise? After all, she had decided to marry him.  A long courtship would only fuel her doubts, weaken her resolve. Perhaps it was more prudent to tell her father that she was ready to accept Mr. Darcy's offer, to announce a formal engagement and set a wedding before the summer.

A soft knock at the door drew her attention back to the present moment.

“Elizabeth?” Charlotte appeared in the open door. “May I come in?”

“Of course.” Elizabeth smiled, noting that her friend had her second best evening dress on.

“We are invited to dine with Lady Catherine's tonight. Have you forgotten?” Mrs. Collins enquired.

“Yes, I have forgotten, but only for a moment.”

Charlotte sat next to her on the narrow bed. “Have you  developed a headache again? Do you wish  to stay at home?” she examined her friend’s pale face. “I am worried. It is so unlike you to feel unwell so often.”

Elizabeth shook her head. “I do not feel unwell. I am truly well. I only worry about Mr. Darcy.  I cannot stop thinking about it, back and forth, wondering whether it was a good decision.”

Charlotte touched her hand reassuringly. “You did well. You will have your own home, security, and, one day, children.”

Elizabeth nodded. “Yes, I know; but it does not feel right. I feel guilty. Mr. Darcy, despite his faults, seems to love me. He acts like a man in love, and he thinks I love him too. I am deceiving him, which is unfair.”

“You think about it too much.” Charlotte patted her hand. “Do not worry so much about Mr. Darcy. He is his own man; he knows what he wants and gets it. I will risk saying that he knows you better than you think and is aware of your true feelings for him. All will be well.”

Elizabeth lifted and dropped her shoulders. “At least he knows.“ She stood up from the bed. “Give me a quarter of an hour, and I shall be ready for the evening.”

Charlotte stood up as well, smoothing the bed. “Good, because Mr. Collins dislikes when we are not exactly on time.”

“I have noticed,” Elizabeth murmured dryly as she walked to her friend, looking into her face. “You are truly glowing today.”

“It is because...,” Charlotte’s pale eyes sparkled. “I have been to the village to visit a midwife,” she paused, “and she confirmed my suspicions.”

“A baby?” Elizabeth whispered, a big smile appearing on her face.

Charlotte nodded.

“That is so wonderful! I am so happy for you! Have you told Mr. Collins?”

Charlotte shook her head. “No, and I want to keep the news to myself as long as possible. You are the first and the only person to know for the time being.”

“Your secret is safe with me.”

Charlotte squeezed her hands. “Oh, Elizabeth. I will have someone to love.”

Elizabeth gave her a hug and whispered. “Yes, you will.”

***

For the evening, Elizabeth donned her favourite, and in her opinion, her most flattering gown she had brought with herself to Kent, a very fine pale yellow muslin, with a green front that matched her dark green eyes. She put special effort into arranging her hair as well, with the help of Charlotte, pulling her curls tightly at the top of her head, leaving a few loose locks falling back on her neck. She thought this coiffure a bit extravagant, so unlike her usual, simpler style, but Charlotte convinced her that it suited her very well, making her eyes look even bigger and wider, and revealing her high forehead.

Lady Catherine welcomed them as usual and acted her usual self in the course of the evening, speaking nonsense, remarking on every subject, interfering and giving her advice, requested or not. Elizabeth preferred to be silent for most of the time. She felt Mr. Darcy’s eyes on her constantly, but she refused to look back at him.

“Miss Bennet!”

Lady Catherine’s sharp voice rang in her ears when they were taking tea after dinner. “I hear that you and Miss Lucas intend to travel by post.”

“Yes, your ladyship.” Elizabeth confirmed.

“I cannot allow that. You have been under my care for nearly two months. I cannot allow you to go alone with common strangers. You will go in one of my carriages.”

Elizabeth lifted her eyes and saw Darcy’s piercing gaze on her. He had obviously had no trouble with convincing his aunt to his ideas. “Thank you, your ladyship.” she said quietly, “It is very kind of you.”

The lady narrowed her eyes at Elizabeth and spoke. “You are unusually quiet, Miss Bennet. But this is not surprising; you are leaving in a few days, which must be very disappointing to you.”

Mr. Collins, as  was expected, began to praise Lady Catherine’s thoughtfulness, angelic heart and her unmistakable sense of propriety, ending his paeans by mentioning the excellent state of the stables. As the company was engaged in a discussion over the grandness of Rosings’ carriages and horses, Elizabeth stood up and walked to the window to look into the garden, which was nearly black, due to the late hour and moonless night, with no shapes visible.

“I think my aunt is right, Miss Bennet.”

She looked up to see Colonel Fitzwilliam standing by her side.

She turned to him with a polite expression. “She is?”

“Yes, you are not yourself tonight; indeed, you are very quiet.”

“There are matters which have occupied my mind of late, but they are not good material for a drawing room conversation, I am afraid.” she explained apologetically.

The colonel looked into her eyes, his expression one of sincere care. “I hope it is nothing very upsetting.”

Elizabeth smiled at him. “I am very happy that I will see my family soon, my sister Jane especially. We have not seen each other since January.”

“You are close, you and your sister.”

“Very. Jane is the eldest, and I am the second daughter. We have three other younger sisters, but though I care for other girls and love them, only Jane is my true confidant and friend.”

Mr. Darcy walked to them then, putting an end to their conversation. Soon Colonel Fitzwilliam returned to his place near Lady Catherine, and they were left alone.

“What have you been talking about with my cousin?” he asked with an unpleasant scowl on his face, deforming his handsome features. Was she to watch this charming expression for the rest of her life?

“I think he was concerned about my low spirits tonight.”

Darcy stepped closer and blocked her view of the room. “He is a second son; he cannot marry as he wishes, Elizabeth.”

She lifted her chin high and spoke with cold dignity. “I fail to understand why you tell me this.”

He gave her a dark, unreadable, serious look, his lips pressed in thin line. She could feel his breath on her cheek, he was so close.

“I am afraid we shall not see each other before your journey back home.”

She looked up at him. His voice was cold, angry.

“My uncle, the Earl of Matlock, has asked me to come to Matlock as soon as possible.” he explained. “I must go tomorrow, together with Colonel Fitzwilliam.”

“Has something happened?” she asked tentatively.

“Yes, but it is not the time or place to speak of it now. I will tell you everything when we meet again.”

“I hope that all the matters concerning your family will be resolved...,” she began, but Lady Catherine’s voice interrupted her words.

“Nephew, what are you telling Miss Bennet? I must have my share in the conversation.”

Elizabeth glanced up at Darcy to see him rolling his eyes. She smiled at him, and he returned it, his eyes glowing with warmth, his bad mood miraculously wiped away with her smile.

“We have just been discussing the state of the roads from here to London, Aunt,” he lied without blinking, as he stepped after Elizabeth, who returned to her previous place.

The rest of the evening went uneventfully, till the carriage was called for the Hunsford party. Everyone seemed astonished when Mr Darcy, without a word of warning or any sort of explanation to his actions, walked them to the carriage, something he had never done before.

After Mr. Collins shakily stepped into one of the grand vehicles of his noble patroness, Darcy handed in Mrs. Collins.

Elizabeth was the last to get in. He stepped to her.

“Can you come to the grove in the morning?” he whispered, and she felt his gentle grasp on her elbow, the other hand intimately rested on the side of her hip.

“I will be waiting,” she heard as he lifted her into the box.

***

Elizabeth was both surprised and relieved to fall asleep easily, almost the moment her head touched the pillow, after the dinner at Rosings. She expected another sleepless night, full of disturbing thoughts and fears. Instead she slept like a babe. She must have been very exhausted.

When she awoke , her first thought was that it had to be very early as there was very little light seeping through the closed curtains. Shivering, she stalked to the window and saw gray skies and   drops of water on the glass.

She drew the curtains wide to let in more light  and glanced at the clock on the small mantelpiece.

A few minutes after six, Mr. Darcy was probably already waiting for her. Should she go? She could not decide what to do. The weather was hardly inviting. This was one of the days she wanted to crawl back into a warm bed. Eventually, with a sigh, she walked to the water stand and began her toilette, shivering repeatedly at the cold water touching her still flushed from sleep skin.

The clock struck half past while, on her tiptoes, she walked downstairs. Noise coming from the kitchen told her that the servants had already begun their day, and the back door was open. She pulled her shawl over her head and slipped from the house unnoticed.