Around the World in 80 Girls: The Epic 3 Year Trip of a Backpacking Casanova (53 page)

The
Pirates de Ipenema hostel was a messy place, but so much fun to stay at. The owners were nice guys and there were all kinds of characters around. There was the Turkish guy sleeping in a hammock every night, another guy sleeping a lot on the couch, and in the hostel’s open “living room” stood a tent with a couple sleeping in it. Another guy was tattooing people to make some money and when there was no one around he would tattoo himself. The hostel dorm was a dirty mess with broken beds and lots of noise. There were always dogs around, even in the kitchen and dorm rooms. The showers were a mess too, but instead of moving to a better hostel I decided to stay there and save some money.

I
was running out of money fast with all those seventy-dollar bus rides and going out nearly every night. I’m not a big spender on drinks and always stick to beer but entrance fees, drinks and sometimes a taxi will all add up. Although it’s not the cleanest place to stay in Rio I would still recommend this hostel if you’re looking for a cheap place and want to meet some strange characters and have lots of fun.

One
of the guests was a black guy named Paul from South Africa, who would sometimes work the night shift and tried to pick up the drunken girls returning to the hostel. According to fellow long-term guests he would try to fuck just about anything with two arms and two legs. Even the 120kg beasts. Not my kind of style. I never saw him approach any girls outside the hostel but he always had big talk about getting pussy. He was a funny guy though, but unfortunately I found out too late he was full of shit. I based too many decisions on his info because he had lived there for over half-a-year all ready and partied five times a week.

If
you think about Rio de Janeiro you think of sun and full beaches, but I was really unlucky with the weather. The whole ten days I was there I barely saw the sun. If you can’t spend any time on the beach then there’s not much else to do other than going out every day of the week and sleeping in.

Eating
out in the morning was cheaper than I expected. For breakfast, here was a small diner on the corner where every morning I ate an acai shake. The acai berries are quite healthy and delicious but the added sugar makes it a calorie bomb – one that keeps you filled for hours.

A
couple of nights I went to the Emporio bar in Ipenema – a gringo bar, but that’s where you find the gringo hunters. I reckoned it would be easier to get laid there. A glass of beer cost three dollars, but outside the bar there was a guy selling cans of beer for only a dollar-and-a-half, so you could get one glass inside and fill it up outside the rest of the night since the bar was small and lots of people stood outside. That may sound stupid and the bar may lose money on the beer sellers outside, but Paul’s theory about it wasn’t that bad. He thought that the beer sellers and the bar worked together so that people would definitely come to this place and they would still make lots of money on selling cocktails to girls or beer to guys who wouldn’t go outside for one.

One
night a working girl convinced me to do a line of coke and I did. She also gave me some beers and took me by the hand to go outside the club. We walked down the street and stopped between the cars, I thought at least something was going to happen when she lifted up her skirt. Something did happen,: she crouched down, showing her big juicy ass, and took a piss between the cars. The fuck? It was the first time I saw that so I just watched the whole thing. It was fucking weird. Later she asked me a hundred dollars for a fuck and I asked her if her pussy was made of gold. She gave me an insulted look and left somewhat later. I wasn’t planning on paying for a bang anyway.

On
Friday some guests of the hostel and I went to the Lapa street party. There are thousands of people in the streets all partying and drinking around beer stands and outside clubs and bars. Lots of samba music and dancing everywhere. The beer was even cheaper here and I drank a lot that night. It’s not the safest area so I wouldn’t go there and flash cash or expensive jewelry around. I saw a few pickpockets at work that night, robbing a few tourists.

At
the end of the night I was alone and a pretty girl was on her way home with her girlfriend. I grabbed her arm and asked her where she was going. “Let’s go dancing,” I said, and pulled her close to my body. “Ok, but only kissing, no more,” she replied. That was kind of weird but it was the end of the night and I agreed to it. She had big fuzzy hair and a small posture with a little but of course round butt. We danced some samba but I couldn’t keep up with her. My hips couldn’t follow the extremely fast dancing. Besides, it was the first time I ever danced samba.

We
stopped and I pulled her towards me and said “Time for beijos” (kisses), and she looked me in the eyes and kissed me with her big fleshy lips. It felt good but I wanted more. I had been kissing a lot of girls in Floripa and São Paulo already and was getting tired of it. I asked her if she wanted to go with me but she just said: “I told you, just kissing”. She went home a little bit later and I didn’t bother asking her number. Maybe I should have done it anyway, since she spoke some English and I could do a date with her.

On
Sunday I went to a Favela funk part in Rocinha, one of the hillside slums in Rio. It sucked. It was hyped up by Paul all week as a pussy heaven where girls would be easy. I had high expectations because I looked at some YouTube videos and they looked amazing. Lots of half-naked girls shaking their butts.

We
were taken in a minibus to a giant dancehall. Beer was cheap and they even gave away free beers in the beginning of the party. The music was eardrum-destroying loud. I could feel the bass in the fillings of my teeth and at some points through my whole body. The beer in my glass looked like the scene from the first Jurassic Park movie where the T–Rex is stamping around. The bass I could take but the rest of the music was way too loud. My ears were still ringing at five in the afternoon the next day. The music is basically one guy screaming into the microphone all night with techno/funky beats. I like most kinds of music but this was terrible. We were there with three guys and four (ugly) girls. We were the only foreigners among a thousand people. There were tons of hot girls around, all standing in pairs or triplets; I was advised not to approach any girl there because according to my mate Paul they all had boyfriends lurking around who would beat my ass with eight guys if I started talking to their girlfriends.

Since
Brazil is mostly about kissing anyway I decided not to take a chance. It was frustrating to see so many hot girls around and not be able to do a damn thing. Paul said that the free girls would approach us. Well, guess what. No girl ever did. Not me, not Paul, not the other guy from the hostel. Nothing. The dancing was lame, with lots of guys doing a synced dance. The girls mostly stood around and danced a bit. It was plain boring. I would have more fun just watching a movie in the hostel that night. Other guys who have been to these kind of parties later told me I had been cock-blocked by Paul saying it was too dangerous, because according to them it was definitely possible to pick up girls there.

The
morning after I got myself together out of a hangover and went to the Christ the Redeemer statue by local bus. I got bad directions from hostel folk and it took a while before I made it there.

When
I finally arrived it was cloudy and the statue was barely visible at times. Just my luck. I took some pictures of the city views and the statue at clear moments anyway and went back disappointed. I had put this trip off for a couple of days because I had a massive eye infection and they told me it was a common thing in this hostel. My eyes were tearing up all the time and were very red. I was dating a local black girl at this time and at one moment we bought medicine and eye cleanser and things literally started to clear up for me.

If
the eye infection and not getting laid wasn’t bad luck enough I also had problems with my phone. The touch screen of my phone stopped working at the dumbest times so that I couldn’t use my phone to text and set up dates. A repair shop charged fifty-five dollars just to replace the touch screen but I didn’t trust those guys. Besides, maybe it wasn’t even a touch screen problem. The simplest solution would be buying a brand new phone but despite living in a cheap hostel, drinking cheap beers and eating cheap food, I was still spending five hundred dollars a week in Brazil.

Phones
are extremely expensive there and I only had two months of travelling left before heading to Holland, where phones are cheap. I bought a cheap China phone with full options but the most important things like texting and calling barely worked. I had to go back three times to the market store where I bought that fucker and was constantly pissed off because I had at least twelve phone numbers of good-looking English-speaking girls from the travel website and I couldn’t do a damn thing with them. Calling over Skype was a hassle because of some of the girls’ heavy accents and the difficulty of meeting up on certain streets or addresses. I was arriving late on dates or couldn’t find the address sometimes. No matter how experienced you are travelling around the world, taking local buses and finding addresses in countries where you don’t speak the language is insanely difficult sometimes.

I
met with one of the girls I did the Salt flats tour with in Bolivia and she showed me around the city a bit. I had been friend-zoned by her already and I liked the fact that I had someone I already knew well who could guide me trough the city. She went with me to the phone shop and made it clear that my China phone didn’t work properly and she got me a new one. They gave her a new one immediately, while I had to point with my fingers or use my ten words of Portuguese to do that the times I went there before.

At
night I met up with Patty, a beautiful black girl from the Couchsurfing website, and I was horribly late because we agreed upon a time but I couldn’t find the address. She had already left when I finally arrived there. I had my shit China phone with me and gave it a shot. The damn thing actually worked for once and I got network reception. She said to meet at Copacabana beach a bit later, and it was already after midnight.

I
met her there and we went to an all-night juice/beer bar close by. Patty was pretty hot, a short but cheating with high heels girl with a small round butt and nice B-cup breasts, maybe a bit bigger than that. She said she didn’t have much time that night but once we started talking the hours went by quickly. I got her to smoke some cigarettes with me and we had to stand outside the bar to smoke them. I tried to kiss her but she gave me the cheek turn. I kept on trying and she gave in not much later. From then on my hands were all over her and I kissed her all the time.

Although
she said that she didn’t have much time, she stayed with me in the bar till six-thirty in the morning. I use this excuse myself too; I always say that I don't have much time so I can ditch the girl if I don’t like her. We guys can use those girl excuses too. My date game went flawlessly. I got her fantasizing about things and we never ran out of fun subjects to talk about. We met a few times and I wondered if she would be my first-ever black girl.

On
Wednesday night the hostel group went out to a place called Club Melt. It was twenty-five Reals for people from the hostel to get in, forty Reals for others, which is a bit over twenty dollars. It was a typical gringo place and with the salsa music I didn’t like it at first. I did some approaches on the tourist girls but got nowhere. A few even ignored me. Welcome to western girls with bitchy attitudes. I had some beers and talked to some guys and was generally bored. Luckily the top floor opened and played better music. You can’t go wrong with the Black Eyed Peas for getting a place started up.

I
saw a black Brazilian girl and approached her. She wasn’t extremely dark, just similar skin color to Beyoncé, and spoke a quite bit of English. I started gaming her. After talking for a while I went in for the kiss and she declined, saying she wasn’t that easy. We kept talking and I kept on going for the kiss another ten times before she finally gave in. I used player game and told her I wasn’t easy either. I gave her lines like “I know you want me, I can see it in your eyes, your eyes don’t lie to me”. I have a whole arsenal of bullshit lines I come up with when I’m in gaming mode. The trick is using the right tone and talking speed, something you just have to get experienced at. We danced a bit and had a beer.

At
one point she gave me some resistance and I said I needed to go to the toilet. When I came back, two blonde English girls I’d met before grabbed me and starting taking pictures with me. Sandra, the black girl, saw it and instantly showed more interest when I returned to her. I was pretty sure she was a working girl because she was there by herself and just had that vibe and bullshit story about her working on some boat. Not soon after we left for a love hotel close to the favela. I paid thirty-five dollars for twelve hours and the large room had lots of mirrors and a nice bathroom with sauna.

Sandra
had on a sexy red dress showing some deep cleavage. When she took it off, I realized her boobs were not just big but massive. We both took a shower and started kissing on the bed. Well, long story short, we had sex three times and did pretty much everything; I’m a boob man and couldn’t get enough of her firm boobs. Banging my first black girl doggy style with full views in the ceiling mirror was amazing. She was a generally sweet girl too and we laughed a lot.