Arrest-Proof Yourself (22 page)

3.
Did he commit a crime? In most states walking in the street is stupid but not illegal. Whether he or the driver is responsible for the car wreck is debatable.

4.
The most serious crime the kid committed is panicking in the presence of cops. The number of people who get arrested and jailed for this is astonishing. If our hero had simply stood still in front of the cops, he probably would not have been arrested.

5.
Basically this kid is a goofy teenager trying to attract girls, which is hardly a crime. The education this child needs most is arrest proofing, which is not taught in Sunday school or Monday-Friday school.

6.
Few people understand police operations. Touching a suspect to check his fight-or-flight status is standard police procedure. Those clunky cop shoes are generally steel tipped for fighting, and although cops are slowed down by their equipment, they generally stay in shape and can run longer, if not faster, than adolescents. Cops practice foot pursuits, so unlike suspects, they do not panic and can think on their feet. Cops hunt in packs and are difficult to elude. Chasing and arresting people is what they do. They enjoy it.

7.
It’s unfortunate that wearing certain clothes and acting in certain ways predisposes police to consider you a criminal, but if you dress like a crook, strut like a crook, and run like a crook, what else are cops supposed to think?

Cops spend every day trawling the net through the seething metropolis. All day and all night they round up clueless gorks with drugs and guns in their pockets, stolen merchandise in their cars, and loud clothes on their bodies. Usually the suspects are in some state of drug and alcoholic inebriation and are foulmouthed or incoherent. Cops generally don’t make fine distinctions in the heat of making arrests, and may not recognize a straight-A student
pretending to be a thug!
They simply deposit their prisoners, tally the points scored, and let prosecutors and judges sort things out later.

8.
The system isn’t fair. It’s just there.

7

WHY MINORITIES GET HAMMERED

RACISM

There is lingering racism among police, prosecutors, and judges, but less than at any time in our history. Most big-city police departments now employ black and Hispanic officers at every level, including sergeant, lieutenant, captain, and chief. After years of sensitivity training in police forces throughout America, what has emerged is the modern patrol officer, who is an
equal opportunity
arrest-making specialist. Police like to arrest anybody, of any race, at any time, including people just like you.

So what to do about lingering racism? Nothing. That’s right, nothing. When you’re in front of a cop, racism is
his
problem. There’s nothing you can do about it in the few minutes of a typical police interaction. Your problem is to be less clueless. That’s something
you
can control.

When I was a kid, police racism meant that people of color were more likely than whites to be “shot while fleeing arrest.” Those evil days are thankfully over. Today police racism means the following:

Minorities are more likely than white people to be stopped on the street or in their vehicles.

They are more likely to have their IDs checked and their vehicles searched.

This is outrageous, but let
^’
s keep things in perspective. Being
stopped
is annoying and insulting. Being
arrested
, incarcerated, impoverished by legal fees, and then dumped onto the electronic plantation is ruinous. Too many people continue to get stopped for the crime of driving while being black, Hispanic, etc. Nonetheless, if you’re not carrying drugs, unlicensed firearms, or stolen merchandise when you confront a cop, and are polite, truthful, and do not touch the officer or flee, it’s unlikely you’ll be arrested.

Things are changing. Black and Hispanic Americans who drive within the limits with all licenses and tags up to date go years without any interaction with a police officer, just like whites. What cop wants to stop law-abiding, license- and tag-possessing, fully insured blacks and Hispanics? They’re savvy, not clueless, and worse, from the cop’s point of view,
they’re not worth any points
.

Recall that the most important document in a patrol cop’s life is the monthly tally of police activity. This records numbers of arrests and traffic tickets. It does not indicate race. There is no column for “black and brown people annoyed and insulted.” Racist cops who hassle innocent minorities have low police activity. They generate complaints, internal investigations, lawsuits, and heat from the media and organized blocks of black and Hispanic voters. Racist cops can be politically fatal to elected chiefs and sheriffs.

IN SEARCH OF THE GREAT WHITE DEFENDANT

If anything, police are looking to arrest more white guys. Cops get tired of busting people of color all the time. They welcome what Tom Wolfe calls “the Great White Defendant.” If the GWD is not only rich but also a celebrity, this is extra good. Amazingly, there is a place where rich white people get arrested all the time. Where, you ask, is this Mecca of justice? It’s South Beach, the 20 or so blocks of south Miami Beach that are the coolest, craziest place to be for the rich, the famous, and the beautiful.

Miami Beach is, notoriously, the celebrity arrest capital of the planet. Millionaire actors, athletes, rock stars, and financial whiz kids fly into town arrogant, snotty, and ready for trouble. They wreck rental cars, punch out patrons in South Beach clubs, get wasted on premium drugs, and slap their women around. Worse, they argue with the managers of upscale hotels and restaurants and leave without paying their bills. In Florida, a tourist state, “defrauding an innkeeper” is only slightly less serious than murder. When stiffed, South Beach hotel and restaurant managers send 300-pound bouncer types to squash Mr. or Ms. Celebrity flat on the pavement until police arrive.

Naturally, local police want to make sure that arrested celebrities are processed by the book, which means very, very slowly. For their
safety
, celebrities generally spend the night in the Miami-Dade County Jail. For their
health
, they get to sample Jailhouse Lean Cuisine, which is to say beanie-weenies, mystery meat with flavored goo, and green baloney sandwiches with mustard dab. Naturally, local judges are concerned that celebrity cases be handled with absolute attention to detail. They often think it necessary for the rich and famous to fly back from L.A. or New York to appear in person even for a traffic ticket. You get the picture.

Let’s analyze the South Beach scene in the terms of this book. Why are all those rich white people being busted down there? Simple. As soon as their jets touch down and they cab over to the beach and unpack their hand-stitched luggage with the famous logos,
they get clueless
. That’s right. The party scene encourages them to adopt behaviors they would
never
exhibit at home. When they hit the beach, these rich perps suddenly begin to do the following clueless things:

Instead of driving, they walk the streets,
where they’re visible to police.

They get drunk in public,
where they’re visible to police
.

They carry drugs on the street,
where they’re visible to police
.

They smack women in public,
where they’re visible to police
.

They fight in public,
where they’re visible to police.