Arrest-Proof Yourself (32 page)

crouching in bushes

THE BEAUTY OF INCONGRUITY—IF YOU’RE A COP

Cops profile all the time by matching what they see to their crook profile developed by training and experience. What happens, however, when they see something that doesn’t fit a profile? This is an incongruity. Cops react to incongruity differently than ordinary people.

When civilians see an incongruity, it makes them nuts. Let’s use a hypothetical example. Suppose you see two attractive women, dressed identically, with identical makeup and hairstyles. They are tied back to back around the middle and at the ankles. They are walking sideways, like crabs, in sync, along a downtown sidewalk. They appear calm and unconcerned. Hmm? When you see something like this, you immediately start to wonder what’s up. Are the women actresses? Maybe they’re part of a publicity stunt. Why are they tied together? Why do they look alike? In asking these questions you’re frantically searching for a meaningful profile but can’t find one.

The difference between ordinary people and cops is that police officers don’t have to imagine what’s going on; they can find out. They’re curious predators, trained and paid to be nosy. When they don’t understand something, they just spin the lights, stop whatever’s going on, and start with the questions.

Cops are incredibly attuned to incongruity. Because they patrol the same areas at the same times day after day, they immediately see anything that doesn’t fit in. Then they pounce. This is how many clueless people get swept up into the criminal justice system. Not knowing how to fit into society (or not caring) is the essence of cluelessness. Here are examples of incongruities that would make cops curious and stimulate them to make a stop:

beat-up car cruising slowly by million-dollar homes

man in tuxedo strolling along loading docks at midnight with no ships at the docks

dogs howling uncontrollably

yells, screams, doors slamming

Daimler Maybach limousine (a $300,000 automobile) cruising the barrio

woman in evening gown walking alone on a dirt road

Note that the above activities are not illegal, just unusual. They make curious cops want to stop the people involved and find out more.

THE ARREST-Q

The more you’re visible, fit the crook profile, or are incongruous, the more likely you are to get stopped and questioned by police. I call this likelihood your Arrestability Quotient, or Arrest-Q. The following chart indicates the factors that make you arrestable. When you have a high Clue-Q (i.e., you
^’
re highly clueless) and a high Arrest-Q, you
^’
re meat for the criminal justice sausage grinder.

This isn’t fair. In 21st-century America, as long as you’re not committing a crime, you should be able to wear the wildest clothes you want, roam the streets when you feel like it, and lean on a light post or hang out at some wild club if it amuses you. TV, the movies, and magazines constantly exhort you to be free and do your thing, whatever that is. Isn’t that what life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (without the cops butting in rudely) are all about? Answer: theoretically, yes; practically, no.

The media, which promote this craziness, are not in business to
give
life lessons. Their business is to
sell
carefully crafted illusions in magazines, newspapers, and television. Those gangsta rappers and badass barrio boys strutting down the streets in videos are actually well-educated young millionaires sashaying down soundstages where producers, directors, makeup artists, and lighting technicians tweak the illusion. If you think this is reality, and how you should behave, you’ll spend way too much time talking with guys in blue uniforms. One of the ironies of contemporary life is what befalls gangsta rappers when they start to hang with real hoodlums. The entertainers are always shocked—
shocked!
—when actual gangsters cheat them, steal their money, horn in on their businesses, and, if annoyed, shoot them with real bullets. Imagine that! The moral? If you profile like a crook, you’re likely to be arrested like a crook.

ARRESTABILITY BY AREA

Common sense says that when you’re visible in high-crime areas, you’re likely to get arrested. Cops there are keyed up and on the hunt. High-crime districts attract the toughest, wiliest, and most ambitious cops who want to lead their departments in felony arrests, rack up points, and be first in line for promotions. The following chart indicates arrestability by area. You can judge how likely you are to be arrested based on which areas you frequent.

Here’s an example of what happens when you hang out in high arrestability areas. Some years ago my coauthor made the mistake of letting some Peruvian buddies convince him to go to a notorious Miami strip joint. People were snorting cocaine and having sex in the bathrooms while the girls boogalooed on stage. Suddenly a door flies open and all sorts of local and federal cops pour in. Pandemonium! My buddy and the Peruvians, fortunately, managed to bolt through an emergency exit and beat feet down an alley while less alert
¹²
clubgoers were being arrested. Apparently the feds were after a Russian hustler who was meeting a Colombian drug trafficker to sell him a used Soviet submarine so the cartel could ship drugs
underneath
U.S. Navy ships patrolling the Caribbean. Moral: Don’t hang out in drug-crazed clubs where Russian mafiosi play footsie with the cartel. On that particular night, that club had the highest arrestability quotient of any place on planet Earth.
¡Caramba!