Arrest-Proof Yourself (30 page)

Here’s an example. My coauthor lives in a condo. Late one night he hears a tremendous crash. Four guys in a convertible have smashed through the security gate and are heading to a party. They’re laughing; they’re drunk; they’re crazy to get laid.

My buddy calls the cops, who break up the good times and round up the miscreants. The lead cop is about six-foot-seven, with 300 pounds of solid muscle. He’s got forearms the size of Virginia hams and probably drives nails with his thumbs. Of course the cop has a gun, a baton, Mace, and a partner with more of everything. The four party animals are white, scrawny, and short. These punks think the four food groups are Marlboros, Slim Jims, Juicy Fruit, and Budweiser. So do these guys say, “Sorry, officer. We’ll be happy to pay for any damages,” and go free?

No! They get an attitude. They direct obscentity-laced insults at the cops. Both cops laugh. They can’t believe these midgets are so stupid. Naturally, when the cops recover, they reply, “Gentlemen, face the cruiser, spread your legs, and assume the position I’m sure you’re familiar with.” The cops hook the four up and head downtown. The giant cop even thanks them! On a slow night, he’s suddenly got four misdemeanor busts. His sergeant will be impressed.

Attitude, not a property crime, got these guys arrested. Assuming no serious crime has been committed, attitude determines whether you get busted. If you have committed a crime, attitude determines how you’re charged—and whether and how long you’ll be in jail. Police have wide discretion. They can choose to set you free, give you a notice to appear, which sends you to court without being arrested, or take you downtown and toss you into the calaboose.

Staying calm and polite in the presence of police is incredibly important, even if you’re guilty and have been caught in the act. Attitude with cops increases the number of charges, upgrades charges from misdemeanor to felony, and allows add-on charges. When attitude leads you to resist, it justifies police
beating the living daylights out of you!
Know what kind of medical care is available at most jails? Lousy.

This means that, in the presence of police, you have to act, briefly, like middle-class Americans. Cops themselves are middle class. They respect the middle class and will cut some slack for people who act middle class. If you’re poor, uneducated, and have bad manners, you’re going to have to tone it
up
and act middle class for at least a few minutes. If you’re rich, arrogant, and condescending, you’re gonna have to tone it
down
and get humble and polite. Contrary to common opinion, cops absolutely love to bust rich guys.

Now, readers, before you get your cultural hackles up, pay attention. I’m not advising you to jump into the cultural melting pot and emerge transformed into white-bread Americans. All I’m recommending is good manners, common sense, and prudence. These things work for any skin color and culture and in any language. As an attorney I will defend to the death your God-given right to hip-hop till you drop, wave the Confederate battle flag, get down with your
carnales
, or do anything else your multicultural heart desires. I’m merely recommending that you behave like a middle-class American for
five freaking minutes
while you’re in front of cops.

OK?

11

DIRTY COP TRICKS

A
s discussed in the introduction, police offices are more honest, better disciplined, and better trained than ever. They have computers in their cruisers and excellent radio and cell phone communications with headquarters. This can be a problem for you, since this means that cops can make more arrests, and better arrests, than ever before. Nonetheless cops still use tricks to increase their arrest numbers and to pile on charges that upgrade their arrests from misdemeanor to felony. Some of these are unfair; some are unethical; others are illegal. Most are known as inciters because they get you angry and crazy and goad you to fight or flee. Get to know them all.

THE IN-YOUR-FACE SCREAM-OUT.
This is the most common, and
legal
, inciter. During a scream-out, a cop will get an inch or so from your face and start yelling. You’ll get covered with spit; your glasses will fog with hot, humid cop breath, and your nostrils will fill with whatever the cop last ate. (Pray it was doughnuts and not pizza with anchovies.) If you raise your hands to cover your face, you’re “resisting arrest.” If you run, you’re “fleeing arrest.” If you shove the cop backward, you’re committing “battery on a law enforcement officer.” Any of these escalates a simple encounter or penny-ante misdemeanor into a felony—more points for the cop, and more grief, expense, and jail time for you.

My coauthor was actually the victim of a scream-out in the cop-infested town of Miami Springs in 2000. He’s a fat, balding white guy who was wearing a white shirt and tie at the time. The guy looks like an accountant or a supermarket manager. This is to emphasize that no one is immune from police harassment. There’s only one arrest-proofing move when you’re on the receiving end of a scream-out. This is a standing defensive position. Here’s what you do.

Stand straight.

Grip your hands to your pants legs. Do not put your hands into your pockets, as this can be interpreted as an attempt to reach for a weapon. Do not raise your arms, as this is considered resisting arrest in many states.

Close your eyes and mouth to minimize spit ingestion.

Be absolutely silent. Don’t react. Don’t let the cop know he’s getting to you.

Hang in there until the cop runs out of breath and stops yelling.

If you avoid responding to this inciter, you have a better chance of going free or avoiding add-on charges.

THE TOUCHY-FEELY.
Cops will touch you, often with a hand placed softly on the shoulder, to check your levels of stress and nervousness. They may bore in with the finger or give you a shove to incite you to do something that makes you arrestable. When they search you, they may poke you in the balls or give you a hard squeeze for the same reason. This inciter is unethical, but difficult to use as a legal defense because it’s done surreptitiously and is difficult to prove.

You will probably be up against a wall or leaning on the cruiser while you’re being searched. No matter what, stay still and do not respond to this inciter. If the squeeze hurts unbearably,
do not run or resist
. Drop to the ground in the fetal ball position. Protect your head. Try to get your head under the cruiser away from batons and steel-capped shoes. Remember, if cops start beating you, they
have
to charge you with resisting arrest. If they don’t, they will be admitting to brutality.

PROVOCATIVE WHISPERS, LEWD COMMENTS, RACIAL SLURS, ETHNIC INSULTS, AND VERBAL JABS.
When cops use racial and ethnic insults, it’s illegal, but difficult to prove. An adroit cop can give you a verbal shot so quietly and unobtrusively that it cannot be heard or seen by bystanders. Many clueless people (and quite a few otherwise savvy citizens) are hot tempered. Cops take advantage to whisper an insult to get you to act out and commit a felony.

There are only two defenses. First and foremost, just stand there motionless and silent. Pocket the insult. Just take it. The only way you win an encounter with police is by staying free. If your brain is operational and the encounter is being video recorded (check for a small camera on the dash of the cruiser) a second defense is to position yourself so that the cop stands full face or in profile to the camera and any witnesses. This means the camera and witnesses will record his lips moving, and either discourage insults or give you a stout defense if arrested.

THE BATON AND FLASHLIGHT POKE.
In hand-to-hand combat, police are trained to thrust batons and steel flashlights straight ahead rather than rear back and hit with them. The reason is that these weapons are more difficult to parry when pushed straight into a vulnerable body part, usually the solar plexus beneath the sternum in the center of the rib cage.

They may use this training to give you a discreet poke that will not be visible to witnesses and video cameras. A shot to the solar plexus will double you over and cause you to gasp, choke, move your arms involuntarily, or throw up. A shot to the balls or throat will be even more dramatic.