Artificial Love (The Goodbye Trilogy #2) (15 page)

“The McDonald family, Michael’s family, is at the hospital, Johnny. While we were getting the bail money ready, her ex or whatever he is – his parents got a restraining order against you.”

“Yeah, that must have been the papers I had to sign when they said I had been served,” I sighed. “Why the fuck would I care about visiting him? I’m not that fucking stupid.”

Ethan shook his head with one last tear and determination on his face.

“They have one for Emily McDonald, too. You’re not permitted to even enter the hospital. What was explained to me was that you could stand two feet from the curb. You will be served the moment you enter the hospital and then escorted out. They don’t want you anywhere near her, man. It’s a temporary restraint but…well, that’s what’s up.”

Shocked. Stunned. Disbelief. Fucking insane.
Those feelings overrode the flashes I had running through my head over and over. I couldn’t even go visit her. I wasn’t permitted to even check on her. That moment I knew I lost it all - my girl, my freedom, and my band. It was over and any hope people tried to instill into me never made it passed my artificial skin. My spirit, my soul exited my body but my flesh kept moving forward into spiraling dark.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Emily

I honestly couldn’t remember what happened to me. I didn’t know what had
become of me
and as I lie there on the ground, a metallic waterfall caught in my mouth making it impossible to call out to the only name that made me feel alive and whole. It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t respond or fight for me. I felt that truth in a flashed moment of the painful truth – in the deep recesses of my soul.

I didn’t like where I was.
He
won’t like who I am now. Scariness, darkness – you have to fight. Would I ever be able to stand up against life without him…without my Johnny?

My mother’s face came to my mind. She was laughing at a picture of Johnny, calling him a worthless person that didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as me. She’d never understand. While she pointed her bony finger at me, I reminded myself that there wouldn’t be any
pure
air left to breathe when he left.

“You deserve every bit of this pain for what you’ve done,” my father yelled my mother’s shoulder.

Muttering sounds came in then left.

Grace found a swing set in a big, orange field of hay. Her little voice kept singing “sticks and stones always break me but words hurt worse.” She wouldn’t stop singing and she wouldn’t help me find Johnny.

I can’t fight anymore.

I heard the alarm of a flat line – watching Johnny crumbled up on a cement floor. I tried to scream for him but he wouldn’t wake up. He wouldn’t look at me because he’s mad that I don’t even know the extent of the damage.

I silently screamed. What happened to me? Where did Johnny go?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Johnny

I sat on the curb across the street from the hospital. I could see a couple of policemen walking in and out, but I had no idea what was going on. All I wanted, all I needed, was to see Emily. That fucking restraining order had better be lifted soon or I was going to lose my shit and charge in anyway.

Occasionally, Dex would sit out on the curb with me and give me an update about the case. It was one giant cluster fuck of gory details that I didn’t want to relive. Luckily, videotape of the assault was recorded and the local police were planning to look at it within a day or so. Emily’s family also put in a request that the restraining order against me be removed and charges placed against Michael.

“Just from eye witness testimony, her family is going for blood.”

“Good,” I stated, pulling a drag off of my tenth cigarette in an hour. I had bought a carton and four coffees. I prayed one would send me into cardiac arrest so I could legally get into the hospital.

“It is probable that he will have to drop the charges if they believe you stepped in to save her life. Do you think he was going to kill her?” Dex asked timidly.

“When did you know you were gay?” I asked, pulling another smoke out of my pack and handing him one. I didn’t want to ever answer that question because yes, he was going to kill her and to be honest; he did kill a little part of her. He killed
us
.

We stared at each other for a few beats.

“Now? We’re going to discuss this now?” Dex asked incredulously.

“Why not? I got nothing but time,” I answered, flicking the lighter to both of our smokes.

“Um… I knew in college I was bi,” Dex confessed after taking his first drag.

I nodded and waved my hand to keep him talking.

“Jesus. I don’t know. I guess I knew I liked guys more than girls when I met you and Jules.”

I looked over at him, my eyebrows pinched together. “Why?”

“Well, because when the two of you walked in for practice, it was your body I checked out.” Dex grimaced.

“Really? You want me?” I laughed for the first time in days.

“Well, I did before you opened that foul mouth of yours but yeah, I didn’t want to believe I wanted guys more than girls, you know. Shit, my girl and I were always fighting. So, last year, I started hooking up with guys. Haven’t looked back yet,” Dex smiled as he took another drag.

“Anything serious?” I asked.

“Nah. Just having fun right now but I’m not going to be a young pup forever. I hope I find someone to share a life with one day.”

I stopped smiling and looked down the road at the cars coming toward us. I hoped I would find someone to share a life with one day.

Emily was that someone. My chest pain grew and tears bubbled up my throat and into my eyes.

“I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to,” Dex said softly, placing his hand on my arm.

“No, I know. Dex, I love her. Not like Jules. Not like that.” I was so quick to make him see that it was different.

“I know,” Dex whispered. “She changed you somehow. I’ve seen it. You aren’t the old Johnny but you’re more yourself than I ever remember.”

I nodded once and bent my head down to let the tears flow.

“I got to tell you something. Even though you’ll be allowed in the hospital soon, Emily’s family believes that she doesn’t want to see you. She’s pretty bad off and she…”

“That is fucking bull shit. Emily wants to see me. She was calling out to me when they were taking me away. That’s wrong. I know she wants me by her side. I know it.”

“Johnny, I’m just telling you what I heard. I don’t know the truth but I am preparing you, okay? Let’s see what the cops do about the witness statements and the videotape. Hopefully, the charges will be dropped and you will get to be with your girl.” Dex stood up and crushed the cigarette out with his boot. “Let me go check again and I’ll come back out.”

I watched him navigate the cars and cross the street, back to the hospital where my girl laid, broken and alone. Did she know that I was out here, broken and alone, right along with her?

Several hours passed. Ethan exited the automatic doors and I stood up. Everything hurt so much that I had to sit back down. He had his hands in his pockets and his head was turned down. It had to be bad news. Did she need to have more surgery? Were the cops coming for me? I held my breath until he stood right in front of me.

“So, they’ve lifted the restraining order. You can legally sit in the waiting room with the rest of us. Michael has been charged with something but I don’t know what yet. It looks like they might still have something on you but the tape hasn’t been seen yet. The judge agreed that you aren’t a danger to either Michael or Emily.”

I smiled. “Oh thank God. And is she okay? I mean, she hasn’t gotten any worse?” I asked, standing up to head across the street. I took Ethan’s arm to hold myself up from the aches.

“She’s fine. I just saw her. Johnny,” he paused, “she doesn’t want you to come see her. I mean, even though the restraining order is lifted, she got really upset when I told her you were waiting to come see her. She doesn’t – I mean, she asked me to tell you to leave her alone now.”

“Why?” I whispered, feeling the punch in the gut this news handed me.

“She isn’t right. Her face is really fucked up and I think the medications are making her pretty emotional. She keeps saying something about letting you go.”

“Well, fuck that. I’m not letting her go. I will wait in the God damn waiting room until she lets me see her. She has to see me. She loves me. She’s my girl,” I pleaded with Ethan.

“I know she is, Johnny. I know. It’s just so hard for her right now. Her whole world has been turned upside down. She doesn’t trust many people in her room right now and the nurses want her to rest. She has a lot of healing to do,” Ethan said. “And Dex asked me to call Jules. You know, they were friends and he thought she would want to know before the media got to her.”

I nodded my head, thinking about how I didn’t even feel a stitch of anything when Ethan said Jules’ name. Emily would like to see her old friend. That was who she was trying to find in the first place.

I ran my hand over my scruff and tried to psych myself up. Emily needed rest and I knew she would let me come see her soon. Even though it was all I had in me not to run to her floor and drop to my knees in surrender, I followed Ethan to the waiting room and took a seat in between my band mates. I would not leave this hospital until I saw her, until I told her how damn sorry I was. 

Chapter Thirty

Emily

(Four days later)

“I bet you’ll be glad to get home to New Hampshire. This hospital has been good to us but it will be easier to have you closer. Merrimack Recovery Center is a great place and I can come help you every day.”

“When do we leave?” I numbly asked. “I don’t want people to know.” I still couldn’t make sense of anything. The drugs, the pain – it was a circle of confusion. Some moments, I didn’t know anything but the pain. Some moments, I cried because the medication didn’t take the pain away from the one place they didn’t operate on. My heart was broken. Once again, I had to let go.

“Sometime today or tomorrow, although I think it’s a little too late to start traveling today. Remember what the doctors said, honey? They can only do so much with your face. Boston’s only a skip away and God help us, your face will be back to normal soon.” Mom silently made the cross before kissing her fingers when she completed.

“I can’t… I can’t believe he did that to me, Mom. How? How could a man promise love and respect only to break me?”

Mom let out a large sigh. Something on the wall had her looking off. I followed her train of sight until I realized I couldn’t. I lost my sight in my right eye and my left eye was so damn tired for overcompensating.

The only good thing was that Michael was charged with attempted manslaughter. I couldn’t think about him. He was a waste of head space - indefinitely.

Johnny once mentioned he would be there for me, too. I couldn’t believe that now. He didn’t even know what he would be getting into.

“Life isn’t a nice place. I think if I had a choice before I was born, I would have stayed up in heaven. My life has been far from a nice existence,” I stated.

“Oh honey, I am sure you don’t mean that. It’s quite a lot to take in and you’re still healing in so many…” her hand that she grabbed mine with began to tremble before she yanked it away from me to go stand in her corner. I think that corner had been more supportive than my father. That must suck, too. Hours, she spends with me. My dad came for the initial accident and said he would represent our family in the media. Since the story had everything to do with the great Johnny Lennox, my father had to learn what to say…and fast. I didn’t wish that on anyone.

I wish I could go back in time and listen to my heart. Johnny was never looking at those other women. I was so fucking stupid that night. I should’ve waited. He only wanted me. I was afraid to be brave enough to live with the fact he only wanted me, but that was before – when I was whole.

I’ve been told that I will never look like myself again so I refuse to look at myself. Every mirror will have to come down wherever I lived after rehab. That summed up everything I decided these past three days.

It had to be an improvement from total unconsciousness. A small knock came on the door and my eyes flicked over. My heart raced. Would they let him in? Would he look at me and run?

“Mom, I don’t want Johnny here. Please…” I begged, shooting my arm out at her for emphasis.

“It’s not him.”

Jules, Ethan, and who I assumed to be Jules’ husband, Brennan, walked slowly and quietly into the room. I gasped.

“Julia?”

My heart ached for my old friend. I hadn’t known that so much time could pass and I still needed her.

“Emily, I’m so sorry,” she cried as she took the seat next to my bed after my mother made her exit.

“Why? This wasn’t your fault.”

She tossed her long, dark hair over her shoulder and I noticed a tear fall down her cheek. A hand rested on her shoulder and I peered up to a very attractive Brennan, who was looking at Jules like she was going to crack.

Ethan cut in by taking the other side of my bed. His warm hand enveloped mine.

“Dex called Jules. You two were old friends, right?” he asked, a small and very sad expression on his face. “Julia wanted to come see you.”

I nodded and then cringed as the bandages tugged on my face. “We were twelve when we lost…well, we were twelve.”

“Ethan, man, let me buy you a cup of coffee and let the ladies have a minute,” Brennan motioned to Ethan.

Ethan leaned over and kissed the good side of my face. In my ear, he whispered, “He really misses you. Don’t shut him out, Emily.”

A few moments passed as I let his words sink in. Shut him out? That was total bull shit. I didn’t
have
to shut Johnny out. My disfigured face would do that for me. One look and he’d be high tailing himself far, far away from me. I was already alone with my scars. Not even my blindness would prevent me from seeing his rejection. Not even the pain killers would numb the emotional rejection that would hit my heart like a shower of knives. I couldn’t deal with that – not by the one man who taught me to be different. He didn’t want me – not this way. Not anymore.

Besides, there was already too much destruction between us. The rubble that remained was not salvageable. The simple pieces meant to be put back into a puzzle of a nostalgic landscape had been lost to a vacuum of painful moments. We were weak - weaker together now that we had that night between us. I didn’t belong in his world and he’d never know how to act in mine.

I noticed the looks from Mom, from Ethan just now, and the few nurses that tended to me. I looked back at Jules, so radiant and strong.

“Why aren’t you looking at me like I’m a monster?” I asked.

“Because you
aren’t
a monster. You have an eye patch and a severely complicated bandage on your face. I see you, Em. I see my old friend.”

I nodded slightly.

“So, Johnny messed your ex up pretty bad, huh?” she asked.

“I don’t remember much. I remember being backstage with all of those girls,” I scoffed out.

“Oh yeah. Them,” she deadpanned. “I certainly don’t miss watching those girls flaunt around like they own the place.” She shifted herself in the chair to let me know she was there for a good, long talk. It truly felt like old times when we’d sit and eat penny candy – talking about boys and music. Nothing changed. Everything changed.

“They were so gross. It was all too much for me so I told Ethan I was headed back to the bus and when – when I was nearly there, he was waiting,” I shuttered, remembering the sinister look on Michael’s face. His big frame, his commanding words, the moment he grabbed my scalp.

“I heard he was arrested yesterday. He confessed after someone brought in the surveillance tape. What a bastard,” she growled out.

“Yeah. He was always a bastard but I… I didn’t see it. I thought I had to be perfect for him and perfect for the picture. Johnny helped me see that I was more,” I said; a small tear fell from under my patch onto my bandage.

“Oh, Johns. What a mess. I can’t tell you what to do about that guy. I know he was the best friend I’d ever had and the fucking worst person I’d ever known.”

My eyes found hers and we both stared at one another for a long time. "You really don't know who should be trusted in that world. I was only on tour for a few days and I saw more than I had my entire life. It is a God damn crap shoot, you know. Who do you trust? It isn’t until you’re pulling the bloodied knife out of your back that you realize how much danger there was. I wonder how many knives I’ve pulled out because I've lost count.”

“That world isn’t for you, Em. And as far as knives? Well, you have to trust your heart. If Johnny is in your heart, you
can’t
make his decision to see you. He did beat that asshole to a bloody pulp…for
you
, Em. He never did shit like that for me,” she laughed hollowly. “The guy has it bad.”

Jules continued, “Jesus, he’s pacing the halls downstairs for just one chance to see you. It’s…well, that’s
not
the Johnny I remember. He didn’t
even
say hello to me,” Jules said with a smile. “That’s something I never thought would happen. He wants you, Emily.”

“No,” I retorted disconcerted. I took a deep inhale and closed my eye. “He wants someone whole. Someone with a real face and a real body and a real…” Jules cut me off.

“Just exactly how long are you going to listen to Grace Miller?” she asked me pointedly.

Hearing my childhood friend say Grace’s name made my stomach turn and chills shoot straight up my backside. I released her hand abruptly like she’d shocked me. I looked down at my hands with my one good eye and felt so damn small. I wanted what Jules had. I wanted her perfect complexion, her foul mouth, and a man that worried about her during hard times. Maybe Grace singled me out. It didn’t go unnoticed that she hadn’t come to my rescue during this ordeal – not even in a drug induced dream.

Of course, I had to ask.

“Did she…I mean, obviously. How long did you listen to her?” I whispered.

“Too. Long,” she enunciated both words. Her eyes were fierce, wild even. I hesitated to ask more but watched in terror as she nodded vigorously, her lips twisted in disgust.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said back. She slouched back into the seat and placed her hand on the side of her face as she looked at me. Was she mirroring the horrendous bandages on my face?

“We were wrong, Emily. We were so wrong. That day – when we asked the board those questions, it got all mixed up. We never should have listened to her. Well, I just shouldn’t. I don’t know what happened to you but…”

“What are you talking about?” I almost scream at her in disbelief.

“Em, Grace said I was going to be a slut when I grew up,” she answered me with a laugh. “And damn if that kid didn’t have it right. I fucked just about everything with a penis until I met Johnny, well - Even after Johnny, I still make my rounds.”

Jules winced and took a deep breath. “I thought that I was supposed to be that way because it was all I ever knew. I dreamt about that summer when we were twelve all the damn time and well, I drank and fucked a lot. It wasn’t until I met Brennan that I realized I didn’t want to be that way. It wasn’t until after I knew Grace’s whole story, including details of her murder that I realized she wasn’t talking to us at all. She was trying to tell us about her.”

I sat with her in silence for a while. I thought about Michael. I quickly tried to reason why Grace wasn’t haunting me right this very minute. Had I gone against the grain enough for her to leave? Had I given up that much of my life for a misunderstanding? It was time for me to make decisions for myself because life wasn’t pretty and I wasn’t either. Inside and out, I would do what was right for me and for the people I cared for. That short list deserved nothing less.

“Jules, can you do me a favor?” I asked, my fingers were back to wringing again.

“Anything,” she said with conviction. “Just name it and it’s done.”