As She Grows (39 page)

The kitchen is huge and white and has a silver fridge with an ice-cube maker on the door. At first I just pour a glass of orange juice for myself, but then I notice all the liquor bottles over by the stove, and making sure that no one is around, I grab the half-empty vodka. Without thinking too much about it, I slip the bottle under my sweatshirt, pick up the baby, and head out the side door. Pain sears through my side as I squat down, my back pressed against the brick wall, my feet stretched out in front of me. I lift the bottle to my lips and take large, hungry gulps. At first, the harsh liquid makes me gag, but then a warm burn travels down my throat and through my veins. My body becomes numb and nothing matters anymore. I finish the whole thing, stashing the empty bottle in Betty’s car seat, under the blanket.

After a while I pick up Betty and hold her close to me as I stumble along the side path toward the backyard, the interlocked brick below my feet like a dizzy, moving puzzle. When I turn the corner, I spot the pool, the water shimmering silver under the moonlight, just like in a movie. It’s one of the most beautiful views I’ve ever seen. I open the black iron gate and carefully lay Betty down on the ground, up close to the fence. Then I trip up to the side of the pool and plop down on the edge. I take off my shoes and immerse my legs, the water like cool pudding on my swollen feet.

I sit there for a long time, relieved to be away from the music and bright lights. Fingertips skim the rough concrete around me, sweeping stones into my hand. I start tossing the pebbles into the water, contentedly watching them disappear into the calming darkness. Then I throw in a leaf but it refuses to sink, taunting me with its hesitation. Angry, I get up, twist off a long branch from a bush, and return to my position. Leaning out over the water, I fiercely stab the leaf until its pierced body drops just slightly under the surface, away from the thoughts that scream in my head.

Then I hear you crying, your piercing wail rising above the clanging of glasses and the laughter. And I know that you’re crying to be fed, or because you need your diaper changed, or just because. I know you’re crying for me, and I hold my hands up to my ears to block you out because I know those pleas will turn to resentment one day. I know you’ll wish you were never born to me. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I yell, pressing my hands over my ears, squeezing out your cries. And I just want it to stop. I just want silence.

I fiercely poke my stick into the half-submerged leaf, shaking and ripping, until it’s completely shredded and the fragments begin to sink. The words in my head repeating over and over again:
If I rise, bury me. If I rise up in you, bury me
.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Special thanks to my agent, Jackie Kaiser, my editor, Barbara Berson, and everyone at Penguin Books for their support and belief in me. Thanks to friends and readers of the manuscript: Julie Zwillich, Kristina Steponaitis, Mary Bell, Johna Janelle and Marcia Beck. Thanks to Melanie Nicholl for sharing those wellearned Friday lunches.

I’m appreciative of the many creative writing instructors for their astute feedback and encouragement. Thanks especially to Barbara Greenwood for planting the seed, Antanas Sileika for reminding me that it’s still there, and to Ann Decter for finally helping it grow.

Thanks to my best friends, Andrea and Sabine, for a lifetime of support. And an extra special appreciation to John for thinking everything I write sounds so wonderful.

I am grateful to my incredible family: my brother, Grant, for being someone for me to look up to; my sister, Erin, for having shoes too big for me to fill; my father, for reciting poetry on long road trips; and my mother, for not buying me that silver metallic jacket.

And finally, heartfelt gratitude to the young people whose lives have touched me in ways they will never know. Learning is both given and received. You have blessed my life with lessons I can never teach.

ABOUT THE BOOK

As She Grows
is the affecting story of Snow, just fifteen, whose life has been troubled from the start. When she was five years old, Snow imagined herself as “a tender green shoot” growing through concrete. But at fifteen, her family history seems to be pushing her toward a downward spiral, and life is not what she had hoped it would be.

Snow lives with her grandmother Elsie, a well-meaning but mentally-ill alcoholic. By the time Snow reaches her teens, all of Elsie’s good intentions appear to have been washed away by her addictions. For Snow, her imagination and daydreams are an essential source of escape from the ugly reality that surrounds her. Her mother, an apparent victim of drowning shortly after Snow’s birth, is both a haunting and a comforting presence in her life.

Street smart and intelligent, Snow is determined to break out of her bleak family history and into the hopeful future she believes her mother would have wanted for her. But when she finds out she is pregnant at fifteen, she seems doomed to repeat the very life she has been trying to escape.

When life with Elsie takes a shocking turn, Snow moves into a group home where she meets other girls who are struggling with similar issues. Unable to handle the loss of her boyfriend and the stress of pregnancy, Snow finds that cutting her own skin is the only way she can cope with her world. Living in the group home allows her to forge new relationships with her aunt Sharon, Elsie, and a counsellor, Eric, who she meets with once a week. Unaccustomed to care and compassion from adults, Snow is reticent, and she still keeps many secrets, including her pregnancy, the shame of self-mutilation, and the fear she will end up as crazy as her grandmother. But as her belly begins to swell, her secrets and those of her family are slowly exposed, including the most heartbreaking secret of all—who her parents really were.

As She Grows
explores the boundaries between mother and daughter, destiny and choice—the line between choosing your life and your life choosing you. It’s a line, Snow discovers, that is all too easily blurred. A secondary-school teacher who works with at-risk teenagers, Lesley Anne Cowan lifts the veil off the statistics of teenage pregnancy by lending a compassionate and powerful voice to one girl’s experience.

AN INTERVIEW WITH
LESLEY ANNE COWAN

I knew I wanted to be an author from about Grade 5. I wrote short stories during high school and university, but I hadn’t found a subject that was big enough to sustain my attention through the required years of writing a novel. I found this subject at my first teaching job. For me, writing is a way of engaging in life and exploring my interactions with the world. When I set out to write this novel, I was looking for answers to a problem I couldn’t figure out. It was frustrating to work with young women who just couldn’t seem to stop repeating their family histories of teenage pregnancy and poverty. I created Snow’s character to help me process my experience, figure out the answer, and thereby find a solution. Unfortunately, as you can see, I found no answers, only more questions.

Also, I wanted to be a voice for a part of society I felt might never tell their story for themselves. I felt deep respect for these young women, and I wanted people in society who feel entitled to judge them (at bus stops, etc.) to think twice after reading
As She Grows
.

No. Snow is entirely fictional, but she is a very common “character” in my world. She is probably the composite of about eight fantastic girls I have taught through the years. Her life experience and trauma, her family dynamics, her pregnancy and sexual relationships are all familiar to anyone who works with or knows teens like Snow. If anything, I toned down the story so that it wouldn’t seem too sensational. In reality, Snow’s real life would be more violent and shocking than I presented.

As She Grows
was not intended to be primarily about teen pregnancy. It’s about breaking out of your family’s past, utilizing community supports, and re-creating your own life, despite the obstacles. The truth is this is not an easy task. If I made this story happy and positive, no one would believe it. Also, I think it would be insulting to young women who share Snow’s experience. Their lives are incredibly difficult. They make many mistakes. Life is not fair to them, and it’s a daily struggle. They are complex human beings in complicated situations.

Snow is just one girl, one story. It’s true, I could easily have written the novel about a young woman who embraced her pregnancy and whose baby changed her life for the better. I’ve met many young moms who have done this, but it’s just not Snow’s story.

The first scene I wrote was the scene where Snow is taking a pregnancy test in the group-home bathroom.

The scene of Snow’s sexual assault.

Yes, I think it’s possible, but I think it’s really hard. A teen’s success depends on so many factors, some controllable, some not. I think it helps to take advantage of community supports. I sometimes think of Elsie or Snow’s mom and wonder if they had the type of community supports available today, would their lives be different. Also, I think it’s essential to have at least one positive role model in your life that can guide you and hold you accountable for your actions.

Cutting is a coping mechanism for some men and women. In Snow’s case, she cuts herself for a number of reasons: to feel more in control, to release stress, and for communication. In reality, there are many reasons why people harm themselves. It does not necessarily mean they are suicidal. I really had reservations when writing about self-harm primarily because it can be a copycat activity. At the same time, I wanted to honestly explore why someone like Snow would do it.

Yes, at times I have problems with that point myself. I guess it’s because in my experience many of the men in these teens’ lives are absent, abusive, or creepy. Again, that’s not to say I couldn’t have written a book where there were more positive male role models, but that just wasn’t Snow’s story. I really commend male fathers who support their partners.

This was shocking to me too. Snow is quite pregnant at the time, yet she has no sense that her body is sacred. I found this incredibly sad. Snow has sex with him because she’s devastated about losing Mark. She is also mad at Mark for leaving her. She is lonely, and one of the only ways she can connect with men is through intercourse. She feels as if she’s worth nothing and so she acts as if she’s worth nothing.

Yes and no. I think there are great things about Toronto’s social support system, but there are also worrying things. Remember, I am a part of that system too, so I am on the receiving end of my own criticism. Moreover, I was writing
As She Grows
from Snow’s perspective, so things appear bleaker through her eyes. I find one of the most troubling aspects of teens in care is transience—teens who move around from home to home and counsellors who change jobs, etc. All this movement really retracts from building caring and trusting therapeutic relationships. It also results in reinventing the wheel over and over again.

I think if I had read this book before working with at-risk youth, I would have viewed Snow as hopeless. But now my definitions of success and hope have greatly changed. Just because achievements aren’t accompanied by big-band parades doesn’t mean there isn’t progress or growth. To me, Snow is a very hopeful character. It is easiest to explain by comparing her to someone she could have been. Snow could have been living on the streets. Instead, she is connected to a number of group homes where she has established a relationship with the staff. Snow could have been involved in heavy drug addiction or criminal activity. Instead, her coping mechanism is a relatively “safe” one (cutting). And most important, Snow could have been unable to connect with anyone (Mark, Eric, Aunt Sharon, etc.), but her saving grace is that she has the ability to love. Have you ever met someone who doesn’t appear to have the ability to deeply care for another person? In summary, I think Snow will continue to fight through life, always existing on the border between a life she desires and the life she’s been given. I think she provides hope for a lot of young women in her situation who respect the honesty of her imperfect story and admire her persistence in not giving up.