aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (2 page)

“WHAT?” Asher yelled, “He said that?”

“Yeah, man. A real live fairy,” Zack laughed, “Well, he said gay, but you know.”

“Who’s a fairy?” Jesse asked as he walked up to us.

“Killian?”

Everybody laughed, except me, then Zack said, “No, at least I don’t think so. You’re being awful quiet there, man.”

I shrugged and started getting in my car.

“So who’s a fairy?” Jesse asked again.

“That new kid, Seth,” Zack told him.

“No way! How do you know? Did he hit on you?”

“No! He better not, unless he wants to end up a dead fairy,” Zack said and they all laughed again.

“He seemed nice to me,” I said before I had time to think.

As one they all turned to stare at me.

11

JOSH ATEROVIS

“Man,” Asher said, “Don’t tell us you’re a fag too, Killian.”

“I didn’t say I was gay,” I said quietly but firmly, “I just said that I thought he seemed nice. Why does that make me gay?”

“Because he is, Kill,” Zack said, “You don’t hang out with fags unless you are a fag.”

“Bullshit,” I said angrily. “Hanging out with you guys doesn’t make me an idiot.” I slammed the door, started the car and drove off, leaving them staring after me with their mouths gaping. I have no clue where that came from. I never ever reacted like that.

I thought about it all the way home. Thoughts were flying through my mind like bullets and they seemed just as hard to grasp. When I came to my house, at the last minute I decided to keep driving. I wasn’t ready to face any one at home. I was still tense and confused from the strange scene in the parking lot. I decided to drive to the beach.

We were having unseasonably cool weather for September in Maryland so I didn’t expect too many people to be there and I was right. I parked the car, fed the meter, and started out on the beach.

I had been walking for about 15 or so minutes when I was surprised to hear someone call my name. I turned and caught my breath. It was Seth and he was jogging towards me. He had changed out of the jeans and polo shirt he’d worn to school and now he wore Adidas jogging pants and a T-shirt.

“Hi, Killian,” he said when he got to me, only slightly out of breath.

“Hi,” I said looking at my feet.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I just needed to get out so I decided to take a walk.

The beach always calms me.” I told him.

“I live here,” he told me as if I’d asked, “I like to jog 12

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on the beach. Like you said, it calms me, too.”

When I didn’t say anything he continued, “Look, if you don’t want to talk to me, I’ll understand. I mean I know I probably freaked you out when I said I was gay, but I hate lying. I did that long enough. It’s better to get things out in the open right away. That’s why I told you.” Still I didn’t say anything and he seemed to have a real need to fill in the silence so he continued on. “I mean I’m used to everybody hating me. My own family hates me so why shouldn’t you —”

“I don’t hate you,” I interrupted.

He stood looking at me with surprise for a few seconds.

“You don’t?”

“No,” I said, “I don’t even know you, why would I hate you?”

“Because I’m gay.”

“That’s not a reason to hate somebody.”

“Everyone else seems to think so.”

“I’ve never been one to go with the crowd,” I said a little bitterly.

“I sensed that about you. That’s why I sat next to you.”

We stood there for a minute not talking, then he said,

“Want to go grab a bite to eat and we can talk?”

I thought for a few seconds then shrugged, “Sure, why not?” I said.

We headed up to the boardwalk and found a pizza joint, placed our order and sat down at a table to wait for our number to be called.

We talked until the pizza was ready, telling each other general information about ourselves. The kind of stuff you tell people when you’re just getting to know them.

When we had finished eating I asked the question that had been plaguing me from the beginning. “So how long have you known you were gay and how did you know?”

13

JOSH ATEROVIS

He paused for a moment, looking me in the eyes for so long that I had to look away. “I guess I knew for a long time before I admitted it to myself. But I’ve known for sure for about a year,” he began, “I lived with my mom since my parents split when I was eight. I never really knew what happened until I was 15. I just knew I hardly ever saw my dad. But when I was 15, I realized I was gay and decided to come out to my mom. She hit the roof. Then she hit me. I hit the floor. Long story short, my dad was gay and that’s why they split up. So she kicked me out and I moved in with my dad.”

I sat staring at him with my chin, I’m sure, somewhere around my ankles. I’d never realized how sheltered I was in my little Eastern Shore town.

“So anyway,” he went on, “How did I know?

Hmmmm. I just knew. I can’t explain it really. I mean, beyond the obvious, my attraction to guys over girls. I can tell with other people too, you know. It’s called gay-dar.” A big grin started spreading across his face.

“Oh really?” I asked, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

I wasn’t sure why. I mean I wasn’t gay, so what did I have to worry about? Sure, I’d never dated girls, never even been interested in them if I was honest with myself, but I’d never been interested in guys either. Had I?

Doesn’t everybody take peeks in the locker room? And all I felt towards Asher, Jesse, and Zack was friendship.

Right? Thoughts of wrestling with Asher flashed through my mind. Enjoying the closeness of his body, trying to hide a hard-on. I shook my head to clear the images and hoped I wasn’t blushing.

He was still smiling.

“Why are you smiling?” I asked testily.

Seth laughed. “I dunno. It’s better than crying.”

I glanced down at my watch and gasped. “Whoa, I’m late. I gotta go or I’m gonna be dog meat.” I pulled out my wallet and threw some money on the table, enough 14

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to cover my part of the bill. “Bye, dude. See ya in school tomorrow.”

“Okay,” he called after me, “See ya, Killer!”

I stopped in the doorway and smiled back at him.

Killer...I liked it!

15

JOSH ATEROVIS

I drove home as quickly as I dared without risking a speeding ticket. That was the last thing I needed at this point.

As soon as I walked through the door, Dad was waiting.

“Thanks for the call,” he said tightly, “Always nice to know to where my only son is.”

“I’m sorry, Dad,” I said quickly, “It was stupid of me.

I had a fight with Asher, Jesse, and Zack, and I needed some time by myself so I went to the beach. I lost track of time.”

“Your mother was worried,” he said in that same carefully controlled voice. My father almost never raised his voice.

I looked over at her; she didn’t look all that worried.

The only thing that ever worries her is when Dad is late for dinner.

“Well, don’t just stand there, hurry up and wash up for dinner. It’s going to get cold,” he snapped.

I rushed upstairs and threw my backpack on the bed, then hurriedly washed my hands before rushing back down. My parents were already at the table. Dinner conversation was strained as it was more often than not.

But if I thought it was bad before, it was about to get worse.

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“Buck Phillips called me this afternoon,” he started.

Buck was Zack’s father. That caught my attention. I looked up from my spaghetti. “He said there’s a homosexual at your school now.” He pronounced it Ho Mo Sex You Al, over enunciating each syllable.

Mom’s eyes flickered over to me for a second before fixing back on her object of worship. I wondered what that meant.

“You know anything about it, son?” he continued.

“I met him, if that’s what you’re asking,” I said softly.

“You met it?” he seemed almost incredulous, as if I had said I ate lunch with the Pope.

“No, I met him. He’s a human being. His name is Seth,” I said fighting hard to maintain my temper. It wouldn’t be good to lose my temper at the dinner table.

Then again, it was never good to lose my temper with my father.

“He’s not a human being,” he sneered, “It’s unnatural. Don’t you even tell me you’re a fairy lover, boy.

You stay away from him.”

I stared hard at my spaghetti, “Yes, sir.”

I managed to gag down the rest of my dinner somehow, although it was almost more than I could take even to sit at the same table with him, I was so angry. He continued to expand on his theory that gays and lesbi-ans were the downfall of modern society. As soon as I had eaten enough to politely be excused I headed straight for my room. I had my own phone line and I immediately called Asher. I hoped they hadn’t left yet.

Even though I wasn’t real close to any of the guys, I was closest to Asher and I needed to talk to someone.

“Hello?” he answered on the third ring.

“Asher,” I started, “I’m sorry about today in the parking lot.”

“Man, what happened?” he said.

“I don’t know. I just get so tired of hearing that kind 17

JOSH ATEROVIS

of crap from my dad...I just didn’t want to hear it from you guys, I guess.”

“But dude, he’s gay.”

“So what? Why does that make him a lesser human being?” I was starting get angry again.

“Whoa, man, calm down. I dunno. I’m not saying he’s like a lesser human being or anything. I just don’t want him to make any moves on me, you know? Or you either. I gotta protect my buds, you know.”

“I spent all afternoon with him and he didn’t make any moves on me,” I said surprising myself. I hadn’t planned to tell him.

“You what?” Asher yelled.

“Shhh,” I hissed, “I said I spent all afternoon with him.”

“Is that why you didn’t want to go with the guys?”

“No, I didn’t plan it. I was upset after the scene in the parking lot and I just needed some time alone so I went to the beach. I ran into Seth there. We started talking and we ended up getting some pizza.”

“Whoa. You went a on date with him.”

“I DID NOT GO ON A DATE WITH HIM,” I screeched.

“Shhh,” it was his turn to warn me, “Sorry, dude. I was kidding. So what’s he like? Is he, like, all feminine?”

“No, not at all. He’s really nice. I actually had fun.”

“Man, I wouldn’t talk about this in front of Zack or Jesse. You know how they are.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, “I wasn’t even gonna tell you. It just kinda slipped out.”

“Well, make sure it don’t slip out in front of the wrong people,” he warned me.

“Yeah, I know.”

“So did he say why he decided to be gay?” he asked.

“It’s not like that, Ash. You don’t decide to be gay, either you are or you aren’t. Trust me, after hearing what 18

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all he’s been through I definitely don’t think he chose it.”“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t want to talk about stuff he told me, you know?”

“Oh yeah, that’s cool.”

“It was just some really bad stuff that happened to him because he came out.”

“Came out? Now you’re starting to sound like ‘em,”

he chuckled. I laughed too. “Look, man, I’m still not comfortable with this by a long shot, but whatever you do, don’t hang out with him at school too much. I know you like to be different and challenge the status quo, but this could get you hurt.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, Zack just pulled up so I gotta go. We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Great, see ya later,” and he was gone.

I lay back on the bed, more confused than ever. Everybody seemed to think that I should avoid Seth. I thought about how I felt, always getting left out, always being ignored. That was bad enough. How would it feel to actively discriminated against? I didn’t even want to think about it. I made up my mind to be friendly towards Seth, but not too friendly.

* * *

I didn’t go out of my way to talk to him outside of class, 19

JOSH ATEROVIS

but I didn’t avoid him either. It seemed like with each day that went by, Seth got a little lower, a little less animated.

The weekend passed, or maybe I should say it passed away. It was a slow, boring death and I was actually glad to see Monday roll around. I wondered if Zack, Jesse and Asher were avoiding me. They didn’t call me the whole weekend.

It was raining hard when school let out on Tuesday. I waited for a while by the door until it became obvious that it wasn’t going to let up, then I made a dash for my car. I jumped in, turned up the defrost and put the windshield wipers on high. I’d had to stay after to talk to one of my teachers about a project that was due Friday (geez, the second week of school and I had projects due already), so I was one of the last people to leave.

As I was leaving there was one car ahead of me. While I was pulling out I noticed someone walking on the side of the road. The car ahead of me swerved suddenly towards the person. I yelled but they swerved back away, splashing the person in the process, which was probably their goal all along, I realized belatedly. I stopped next to the now thoroughly soaked person, then saw it was Seth.

“Seth,” I yelled, “Are you okay?”

He turned towards my car and nodded, “Hey Killian.

Yeah I think so. A little wet, but I’m ok”

“A little wet?” I laughed, “Why are you walking?”

“My Dad forgot to pick me up,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice.

“Well hop in, I’ll drive you home.”

He grinned at me, then ran around to the other door and jumped in.

“You’ll have to tell me how to get there, dude,” I said once he was settled and we’d started up again. “All I know is that you live by the beach.”