aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (3 page)

20

Bleeding Hearts

He gave me directions and then we talked while I drove.

When I pulled up to his apartment building he said,

“My dad isn’t home. His car’s gone. You wanna come up for a few minutes?”

I thought for a minute then turned the car off. I looked over at him and smiled. “Sure!”

We ran into the house and Seth slammed the door then slumped against it. I looked over at him and couldn’t help but laugh. He was completely soaked from head to toe. Water dripped off of him, forming a puddle around his feet. His hair was slicked down and his clothes drooped, soggy with the rain.

“What’s so funny?” he asked me.

“You look like a drowned rat,” I said in between laughing.

“What exactly does a drowned rat look like anyway?”

“I dunno,” I gasped, “But you sure look like one.”

“Very funny,” he said even though he was smiling too, “I wonder where my dad is?”

He went off down the hall, leaving a trail of water on the hardwood floor for me to follow — which I did, feeling a bit like Hansel and Gretel — into the kitchen.

Seth was reading a note and dripping all over the table and floor.

“He got an emergency call from Steve, that’s his friend. He said he’ll call later tonight, but he probably won’t get home till tomorrow.”

He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a couple root beers, the kind that comes in the brown glass bottles. “You like root beer?” he asked me.

“I love it,” I said.

“Well, here ya go,” he handed me a bottle and started for the door. He called over his shoulder, “The living room is across the hall, dude, make yourself at home.

I’m gonna go change and be right back down.”

21

JOSH ATEROVIS

I went into the living room. It was furnished with worn, but comfortable looking furniture, a nice entertainment system, and pictures of Seth everywhere.

Books were strewn about liberally. It was a very comfortable room.

I walked around the room looking at the pictures and Seth seemed to grow up before my eyes. There was a woman in some of them, I assumed his mother, and a man in other, his father. I went over to the entertain-ment center and looked over their video selection —

Sleepless in Seattle, Armageddon, Ghost, Air Force One, The Object of My Affection, Beaches, You’ve Got Mail, all the Naked Gun movies. I liked their taste.

“See anything you wanna watch?” Seth said suddenly, making me jump. He started laughing.

“Geez, sneak up on me why don’t you?” I laughed too. He had changed into black running shorts and a plain white T-shirt. He’d dried his hair but he apparently hadn’t brushed it. It was standing up in every direction, as it usually did.

“Sorry, I didn’t put my wet shoes back on so I guess you didn’t hear me coming in just my socks.”

“Obviously, I don’t usually jump and breathe heavy just because you enter the room,” I joked.

“My loss,” he said with a shy grin.

I blinked in surprise for a minute, not sure what to say. Was he hitting on me?

“Killian, I was kidding,” he said after an awkward pause.

“Oh, sorry,” I mumbled, “Maybe I better go.”

“No, please stay for awhile. We can play a game or something. I have N64. Do you like Zelda?”

“Yeah,” I said slowly. I thought for a few seconds while Seth stood there looking miserable.

“Okay,” I said finally, “But let me call my parents so they won’t freak out.”

22

Bleeding Hearts

I crossed my fingers and dialed, then waited while holding my breath. Thankfully mom answered. She accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be home till later without any questions. They would come later from dad, but I would think of something before then.

“It’s cool,” I told him.

“YES!” he shouted, “Killer’s the man!”

We played Zelda and talked about nothing for a few hours. Then suddenly Seth announced that he was hun-gry so we ended up back in the kitchen. He made us both lunchmeat sandwiches and we sat at the table while we ate.

“Well I don’t seem to have made many friends in my first week of school,” he said as I took a huge bite.

We sat in silence while I chewed, which gave me a chance to think of what to say.

“No, not many,” I said, “but you made one at least —

me.”

He smiled and almost looked like he was going to cry for a few seconds. I hoped like crazy he wouldn’t. I hate it when people cry. It always makes me want to cry too. My dad always yells at me for being a sissy and crying too much.

“Thanks, Killian,” he said with a slightly husky voice,

“That means a lot. Probably more than you know.”

“I think I have an idea.”

We ate the rest of our sandwiches in silence.

“I don’t get it,” he said suddenly.

“Get what?”

“I don’t get why you grew up in the same town as all these other kids but you’re the only one who doesn’t treat me like some kind of pariah.”

I shrugged. I didn’t understand it myself. I was risking a lot just by being Seth’s friend. For some reason, the risk seemed worth it to me.

“Do you know what your name means?” he asked 23

JOSH ATEROVIS

me out of nowhere.

“No, I think it’s the name of a beer, but I don’t what it means. Why?”

“Cuz I do,” he said.

“What? What does it mean? And how do you know?”

I asked. This was taking a very weird turn.

“I looked it up, there’s a site on the Internet where you can look up names and find out what they mean.

Killian means ‘blind’.”

“Blind? What kind of a name is that?”

“What’s your middle name?”

“Travers, but I still don’t get blind.” I was struck by the utter weirdness of having a name that means

“blind”.

“Maybe it’s symbolic,” he said softly.

“Symbolic? Symbolic of what? My glasses?” I scoffed.

“No, of your inability to see yourself.”

Whoa, now we had gone from weird to bizarre. If I wasn’t careful, before long he’d be calling me Grass-hopper and telling me I need to have patience.

“You’re weirding me out, dude,” I said, “I can see myself just fine, thank you.”

“Not really,” he said, “Not the way I see you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I see you differently than I think you see yourself.

Look, I haven’t known you for that long, but I can tell that you don’t think very much of yourself; and yet you’re smart, funny, kind, and not to mention drop-dead gorgeous. But you hide behind those glasses and your friends, and no one ever gets to know you. And besides all that, you don’t even let yourself see the real you. You’ve buried it beneath so many layers you’ve forgotten it’s there.”

My head was reeling. I think I was on overload. My mind had heard everything but certain phrases kept echoing through my brain. Drop-dead gorgeous. Me?

24

Bleeding Hearts

Ha! Hide behind your friends. How do I hide? You don’t even let yourself see the real you. What the hell was that supposed to mean? I latched onto the last one.

“What the hell do you mean by I don’t let myself see the real me?” I demanded, “If I don’t see the real me, then who does? You?”

“Maybe.”

“Then why don’t you introduce me? I’d like to meet myself.”

“Okay, I will,” he said in a strange voice. It was kind of sad, but almost like he had known what would happen. “Killian Travers Kendall,” he started, “I’d like you to meet yourself.”

Then he stood up, came around the table, leaned over me, and quickly pressed his lips against mine. For a second I was so shocked I didn’t move, then suddenly my reflexes kicked in and I shoved back so violently that my chair flipped over backwards and I sprawled across the floor.

“What the hell was that?” I yelled.

Seth looked like he was about to cry again but I didn’t care anymore.

“I thought you were gay, Killian,” he said so quietly that I barely heard him. In fact, maybe I didn’t hear him right.

“What did you say?” I asked him in a deadly calm voice. I had learned that from my father.

“I said, I thought maybe you were gay,” tears started rolling down his cheeks, “I’m sorry, Killian, I was wrong. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me. You’re my only friend.” With that he sank down to the floor and began to sob.

I sat across the kitchen from him and just watched him cry. I felt like I should do something but I had no clue as to what. It felt like my mind had shut down.

Everything just went blank. I couldn’t even think clearly 25

JOSH ATEROVIS

enough to leave, so I just sat there. Occasionally, Seth would choke out another “I’m sorry,” in between sobs.

After a few minutes I reached up to wipe my face and I was surprised to find it was wet. I was crying too.

Slowly my mind began to wake up. The first question that went through my mind was, “Am I gay?” I wasn’t so sure anymore. I really hadn’t minded the kiss so much; it was just the shock of it that I reacted to.

Even in my addled state I knew that much. I thought about the way I had been almost obsessed with Seth from day one. Asher suddenly popped into my mind and that really shook me up. I needed to get out of here.

I needed to think.

I struggled to my feet and started out of the kitchen.

I paused at the door long enough to mumble, “I don’t hate you. I need to think,” and then I was gone, leaving him crumpled in a heap on the kitchen floor.

Luckily, Dad was at a meeting when I got home and I was able to go right to my room, calling out to Mom that I was going to do my homework and I’d already eaten.

I fell backwards onto my bed and began to cry all over again. I was so confused. Had I been blind to the real me all this time? Was that why I always felt so empty, so incomplete? I sat up and looked in the mirror. My face was a little blotchy from all the crying and my eyes were red, but other than that, I knew I wasn’t bad looking. There had been lots of girls who had asked me out persistently over the years, but I’d never been interested. Why? Every time I wrestled with Asher I got aroused. Why? The one and only erotic dream I’d ever had had featured none other than Asher. The clues were pretty obvious all of a sudden.

I had been blind.

26

Bleeding Hearts

I was gay.

The realization was almost overwhelming.

I was gay.

I kept repeating it over and over to myself. It didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real. I couldn’t be gay. And yet, now that I’d faced it and said it to myself, I knew I was.

I was gay.

But I didn’t want to be gay. My parents would hate me. My friends would hate me. I mean, look how everyone’s treated Seth. Oh my God! What would Zack, Jesse, and Asher say? Or more importantly, what would they do?

I was gay.

Did that mean I would be kicked out of my church?

Only my mom and I ever went. Dad said church was for women, and that’s half the reason I continued to go week after week. It was one of the few things that Mom did without Dad’s approval. For some reason I always felt a sense of peace there. Did God hate me? I was fuzzy on the whole religion thing. I guess I hadn’t paid enough attention.

I was...

The phone rang, startling me out of my thoughts. It was Asher.

27

JOSH ATEROVIS

“Hey, Killian, dude,” he started as soon as I said hello,

“I called you earlier and you weren’t there? Where were you?”

“I was at Seth’s house,” I said. My voice was still somewhat shaky.

“You were where? Are you okay? You sound funny.”

“I was at Seth’s house and I’m...” my voice trailed off. I was going to say I was fine but suddenly it seemed pointless to lie.

“You’re what, dude?” Asher asked me, “You want me to come over?”

I couldn’t face that right now. I looked like a mess and I didn’t know how well I would be able to lie my way through it. Why was Asher showing such an interest in me anyway, especially now of all times? He’d never really shown that much interest in me before these last few days.

“I don’t think so, Ash,” I said quickly.

“No, man, you’re upset, I can tell. I’ll be right over.”

And with that he hung up.

Great, just what I needed. Since when did Asher become a nurturer? I rubbed my face to try to get rid of the tear tracks. There wasn’t much I could do about the red eyes. I turned off the overhead lights and turned on my computer. Maybe if the lights were dim he wouldn’t notice, and the computer would give me something to do so I wouldn’t have to look him in the face.

Asher only lives a few houses down from mine so he was at my house in a very short time. My mom let him in and he was at my door before I was even signed on to the Internet. He was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and his curly hair had been carefully brushed, as always. It struck me how different he was from Seth; then I wondered why I was comparing them. Asher had a concerned look on his face.

“Hey, Killian,” he said, “Why’s it so dark in here?”

28

Bleeding Hearts

And he flipped on the light. So much for my dim lighting plan.

“Hey, Ash,” I said. I was glad I had control of my voice again, “You didn’t have to come over. As you can see I’m fine.” I was hoping he’d take the hint and leave.

Not Asher.

“I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to. You’re my bud.”

He came closer to me and peered intently at me. I looked away, but not quick enough. “You’ve been crying,” he accused me.

“No I haven’t,” I lied, “I think I have allergies.”

“I’ve known you forever, Kill, you don’t have any allergies.” Asher shot back. I’m very bad at lying.

“Look, Asher, I’m fine.”

“What did he do to you?” Asher’s voice had changed, taken on a harder tone.

“Who?” I stalled; he was making me even more nervous than I already was.

“Kermit the Frog. Who do you think? What did Seth do to you?”

“Seth didn’t do anything to me,” I said. My eyes shifted away. I hated lying more than anything in the world. That’s why I was so bad at it. I had been known to get myself in trouble simply because I wouldn’t lie.