aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (8 page)

He gently unwound the wet wrappings and applied fresh salve to the wound, which was not healing quite as quickly as the doctors had hoped. They said my lungs 64

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were doing great, however.

“Arms up,” he said, and began to wrap the new bandages around me. He sat to one side of me, which meant he had to wrap his arms around me each time around.

He seemed to be going much slower than was absolutely necessary. I tried not enjoy the closeness of his body too much. After all, he was still strictly off limits.

“You shouldn’t be so nervous about your body, Kill,”

he said softly into my ear making me jump.

“Wh-wh-what?” I stuttered.

“I could tell you felt weird about me seeing you without a shirt,” he said, “It’s no big deal. I’ve seen you before like when we go swimming and stuff.”

“I’m not nervous,” I argued, then after a few seconds,

“Its just that you’re so much more built than I am.”

“So? Who cares? You’re fine. There, all finished.” He stepped back to admire his handiwork, then grabbed my shirt and helped me into it. After handing me back my glasses, he picked up the sweats. He stood there with them for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. He looked so awkward; it was all I could do not to start laughing.

“I think I can manage those on my own,” I told him, trying not to smile, “But thanks for all the help, Ash.”

“You’re welcome, Killian.” He paused for a second,

“I have to go now, but I want you to know that I’m really sorry I haven’t been a better friend. I promise I’m gonna do better from now on.” Then he totally shocked me by leaning in and kissing me on the cheek.

I was speechless, which Asher used to his advantage to quickly slip out of my room. He paused in the doorway on his way out and called over his shoulder, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

I didn’t know what to think about Asher’s sudden about-face. It seemed like he was honestly making an effort to be a real friend, but I was a little skeptical. He 65

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said he’d had a big fight with Zack and Jesse, over me no less, but what if he was really just spying on me? I wouldn’t put it past them. Kind of a “lets see what Killian-the-fag is up to.” But it felt like Asher was sincere to me. And what was up with that kiss? He wouldn’t have thrown that in just to be convincing, would he? I wouldn’t even allow myself to think that he might be gay.

Thinking about being gay reminded me about Mom.

Now she knew that I was gay, too, and she still loved me anyway. I felt so good knowing that. The earlier thoughts of killing myself seemed so far away. But what about Dad? He couldn’t find out.

Suddenly I was tired. All this conjecture, combined with my very emotional roller-coaster ride of a day, had worn me out. I didn’t have enough energy to tackle the stairs again, so I crawled up on my bed. “I’ll just take a short nap,” I thought.

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I had a vague impression that someone looked in on me at some point, but the next time I awoke, the sun was streaming brightly through the windows in my room. I had slept all night and it seemed the storm had passed. I looked at the clock and gasped. It was almost 11 AM. I must have been more worn out than I had thought.

I sat up and winced at the pain. I fought my way to my feet and almost fell back onto my bed. Asher was sitting on my floor, reading a book. He was wearing jeans and a white Billabong sweatshirt that made him look paler than usual. His curly dark brown hair shone in the sunlight that fell across him like a spotlight. He looked like an angel sitting there. He looked up at me and smiled.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” he said.

“How’d you get in here?” I asked him.

“Your mom let me in. I’ve been sitting here for about an hour. By the way, she had to leave to do some chores.

She asked me to keep an eye on you, so I did.” He grinned up at me. Gosh, he was cute when he grinned.

“You need some help getting into the bathroom?”

“I dunno,” I said, “I think I can handle it. I can walk, you know.”

He still hadn’t stopped grinning. “Barely. How about 67

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that?” he asked me, pointing to my crotch. “Think you can handle that?”

I almost died. There, in all its glory, not hidden at all by my boxers, was my morning wood. I tried to pull my T-shirt down over it, but to my further embarrassment it was still fairly obvious. I glared at Asher and walked off to the bathroom, trying to spare some dignity while he rolled on the floor laughing.

Thanks to my extreme mortification, it didn’t take long for Mr. Woody to go away. I decided while I was in the bathroom to go ahead and take my bath. Besides, it would make Asher wait that much longer. Maybe he’d go home before I got out. I stripped down and carefully took off the bandages while the water ran. I usually was a shower person, but showers were a little more than I could handle right then. I had to wash carefully around the wound and especially had to keep soap away from it or it stung like crazy, but it was looking much better this morning. I might be able to get the stitches out soon.

When I came out of the bathroom in just a towel, I was surprised to see Asher reclining on my bed, still reading.

“Make yourself at home,” I said dryly.

“Thanks, I will,” he grinned. Man, that grin got to me. “By the way, nice towel.”

I stuck my tongue out at him and went to get clothes out of my dresser.

“You really shouldn’t be worried about your body, Kill,” Asher said coming up behind me, “You have a natural definition like your dad. You don’t even need to work out.”

I blushed. “Um...thanks, Ash,” I mumbled.

He examined my wound. “It looks a lot better this morning.” he said, running his fingers lightly around it, “Must be my magic touch. Sit down and I’ll put the bandages back on it for you.”

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“Oh crap, I left the bandage in the bathroom,” I told him. His closeness was starting to get to me. I still didn’t know what to make of his sudden interest.

While Asher was getting the bandage from the bathroom, I quickly pulled on my boxers and a pair of jeans.

“Okay,” he said in a bad Dr. Ruth imitation as he came back in, “Have a seat, the doctor will see you now.”

I chuckled as I perched on the edge of the bed. I had to admit, I liked having him around. I hadn’t felt this good since before...I felt my face fall with the thought of Seth. How could I be laughing and having fun when Seth had been murdered?

“You’re thinking about Seth, aren’t you?” Asher asked me, suddenly serious.

I nodded. Asher pulled the tube of salve out of the basket and squeezed some on to the stitches. “You know,” he said as he worked, “You have to move on eventually. You can’t help it that he was killed, but you don’t have to go around sad all the time either.”

“I know. And I’m not sad all the time,” I argued, “but it just doesn’t seem right that he could be murdered like that in cold blood and no one is trying harder to catch the killer. I could have been killed too.”

Asher looked up at me from where he had knelt on the floor. “I know,” he said almost under his breath.

Then he went on, louder now, “It was just a mugger, Killian. They’ll catch him eventually.”

“Maybe not just a mugger.”

Asher looked at me intently, “What do you mean?”

“What if it wasn’t just a mugger? What if he was murdered on purpose?”

“Why would anyone kill Seth?”

“Because he was gay.”

“Then why would they stab you?”

I paused for a second, then rushed on, hoping he wouldn’t catch the pause, “Maybe because I was just in 69

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the wrong place at the wrong time. They stopped when they saw who I was, you know. They were gonna kill me too, but when they sat up and saw me more clearly, they said ‘Shit’, jumped up and ran. They recognized me.”

Asher sat back onto the floor. “You’re kidding,” he whispered.

I shook my head. “I wish I was,” I said.

“That’s scary, Kill, but that doesn’t mean he was killed because he was gay. Maybe the mugger knew you.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about this, Asher, and I don’t think it was just a mugger. I was there, remember? Call it intuition, call it a hunch…I don’t know what it is exactly, I just know in my heart that it wasn’t a random mugging.”

Asher sat in silence for a minute, then got back up on his knees and reached for the bandage. “If you’ve thought so much about it, who do you think it was?”

“I don’t know,” I told him, “I hadn’t really thought about that part of it yet.”

“Well, arms up then,” he said, and as soon as I’d complied he started wrapping me up again.

While he wrapped I thought about his question. Who could it have been? I was surprised I hadn’t thought about this before. I felt kind of dumb actually. Isn’t that the obvious first question? But as I began to think about it I realized that maybe I just hadn’t wanted to think about it. The first person that popped into my mind was Zack. I thought about his threat earlier that same day.

He had said that I’d be sorry; me and my boyfriend, and we all knew he meant Seth. Then I thought of Asher and his words that day last week in this same room, “If he hurt you, I’ll kill him.” Immediately, my body stiff-ened involuntarily.

Asher noticed right away, “What? Did I hurt you?”

he asked me.

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“No, its nothing,” I said, then, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, Kill, you know you can ask me anything.”

“Asher, why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?”

He didn’t answer at first. He just finished up the bandaging job and then sat back on his heels, leaving his hands still resting lightly on my sides, his eyes turned down, not looking at me.

“I told you before,” he said.

“Tell me again,” I insisted.

He took a deep breath. “When I thought I was losing you as a friend to Seth, I realized how much you meant to me. When you started acting so different, I wasn’t sure what was going on. You were always snapping at people and getting mad and yelling. It wasn’t like you, so I got worried.” He looked up to see if I was listening, then, quickly looking away again, he continued. “I didn’t really like what Zack and Jesse were saying and all, but it was just easier to go along with them. But then when you got hurt, almost killed, it really scared me. I realized that I had almost lost you...er...lost the chance to tell you...I mean...”

“Tell me what?” I asked softly.

He sat there for a second then looked back up at me.

Our eyes locked.

“Did you love Seth?” he asked me.

“What?” I gasped.

Then he leaned forward onto his knees again and kissed me softly on the lips.

Time seemed to slow down when Asher kissed me.

In the few seconds that our lips were pressed together I had a whole conversation in my head.

“Does this mean that Asher is gay? Well, duh! Straight guys do not generally kiss their friends on the lips like this. Not unless they are in the Mafia and I’m pretty 71

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sure Asher isn’t — his dad maybe, but not Asher. But then why didn’t he ever tell me? Maybe for the same reason I didn’t. But then again, I didn’t know until last week really. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve always known in my heart. Nothing has ever felt more right than Asher kissing me. Wait a minute! Asher is kissing me!”

With that last thought, I jerked back and stared at Asher wide-eyed. He slowly sat back on his heels and looked up at me. I could read in his eyes the fear of rejection and the depth of his feelings. For a long time neither of us spoke. Finally I pulled myself together.

“Why did you kiss me?” I asked. My voice came out shaky and a little hoarse, as if I’d just woke up, which is kind of how I felt, too.

“I- I - I’m sorry,” he said shakily, “I shouldn’t have.

It’s just...I found that letter that you left on the couch last night when I was looking for you, the one from Seth.

I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I did.”

I had completely forgotten about the letter. What if Dad had found it? I was very glad that Asher had found it instead. Especially considering what had just happened.

He continued, “When I read that you were gay...,” he stopped again and seemed to search for words, “Killian, I’ve had a crush on you for years. I’ve always known I was gay, but who was I going to tell? Zack? Jesse? No way! I finally got up enough nerve to come see you and I found that letter. When I read that you were gay, I had to find you. And then when I saw you outside in the rain like that, my heart broke for you. And for me too, maybe, cuz I thought that you must have been in love with Seth to be so upset. I was so jealous of him, Kill. I was afraid that he would steal you away from me. I want to be with you, Killian Travers Kendall. Seth said that you were at a crossroads. Last night you almost went down the wrong path. Let me help you, 72

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please. I want to walk with you down whatever path you choose.”

He seemed to run out of words and so he just sat there staring at me expectantly. I wasn’t sure what he expected, however. I wasn’t sure what I felt. I needed time to think.

“Ash,” I began, speaking slowly and deliberately, “I need some time to figure stuff out. All I can tell you right now is that yes, I am gay. No, I didn’t love Seth.

Not in that way at least. I didn’t even really know him, although I wanted to know him better.”

“So you don’t want me?” Asher whispered.

“Ash, I didn’t say that. I just meant...” I stopped as a large tear slipped out of the corner of his eye and rolled down his cheek. I followed its shiny path all the way to his chin, mesmerized by that small drop of saline.

“It’s okay, Killian. I understand. Why would you want me? I’m just a dumb jock who treated you like dirt.” With that, he began to cry in earnest, not great body-shuddering sobs, just quiet acceptance. In a way, it was worse. I slowly slipped off the bed until I was sitting next to him on the floor. I reached out to him and drew him to me and let him cry quietly on my shoulder for a minute. Then I cupped my hand under his chin and lifted his face until he was looking me in the eye. I kissed him softly on the lips, just for a few seconds before breaking away.