Audacious (11 page)

Kayli grins and cheers

But I have heard this before.

Maybe she doesn't remember

The two previous times we did this

Kayli was always running away

But I'm not ready to celebrate yet.

BACK TO SCHOOL

School starts again

I'm not welcome

Which suits me

I sleep in.

Kayli's principal calls

Wants a meeting

Kayli refuses

Stays home

After a very late lunch,

Mom who is already

Well sick of us

Takes charge

Pencils are sharpened

Books are opened

Homeschooling

Starts.

EMPTY SPACE

It says more about you

And what you intended to say

Than even the artwork itself

Everyone knows what should be there

My piece is up in the library

And that insipid watercolor

And in between we left a large

Empty space

People have been writing on the wall

“Free speech” and “No censorship”

“My body—my decision”

I saw the girl who wrote that

She didn't think anyone was looking

Some have drawn pictures:

Boobs and butts and…

Signed them—“By Asthmatic”

“By Ugly” “By Disabled”

Stink Eye wants to wash it off

But can't because

There's an informal “honor guard”

All day.

Kids sit by it and read

During their spares

And stay after school

Or come early

To make sure

No one wipes you away.

The principal made an announcement

Saying anyone caught writing on

Or skipping class to guard the wall

Will get detention

But they are calling it

“The Freedom Wall”

There's even a Facebook page!

I think the janitor whatshisname

Is on your side

He has refused to clean it off

Anyway, people are using

Permanent ink

They would have to paint

To cover it up

Someone drew a kind of frame

All Celtic swirls and thorns

It's amazing

I wish you could see it

I'll send you a picture

Or check Facebook

They update the image daily

It's so cool, habibti

You're famous

I'm proud to be your boyfriend

It's like you awoke something

Like everyone at this school

Suddenly gets it.

FAMILY MEETING

When four minds meet

Like four envoys

Each from a faraway land

At first we cannot communicate

We speak different languages

And have different customs

And different beliefs

And want different things

But slowly we begin to understand

Each other, to sympathize

And even agree

On some simple ideas

We eat together, break bread

And share wine

And eventually laugh

About our shared problems

There are “non-negotiables”

Homework and curfews

And sacrifices

Church and clothes

And we all agree

Mom should have therapy

And Kayli, a tutor

And I need to stay out of jail.

DAD: PART TWO

He's just about to adjourn the meeting

I'm expecting Mom to say something

Or Kayli even, but they are silent

I guess they're leaving it up to me

Like I have all the credibility right now.

Dad, I say, you have a place in all this

He turns to me, an open face

Like a window to an empty attic room

With space to pack with broken furniture

And other unwanted things.

We need you around

We need to know that you care

About us as much as you care

About your students

We're your family.

We need you to face up to stuff

Mom has an eating disorder

Kayli has a learning problem

I don't know what's wrong with me

Maybe I'm just attention seeking.

But it's you we all need

Not doctors

Or tutors

Or lawyers

You.

HOMESCHOOLING

By noon Kayli has mastered Pythagoras

And is using his theorem to design a quilt.

When Dad comes home at three

They apply said theorem to a wall bracket.

Next Kayli announces confidently

She's going to build a doghouse.

Maybe start with a birdhouse,
Dad says

You're allergic to dogs.

WORD

By email first

Then two texts

Then the Freedom Wall

Facebook page

Posts a photo

Word gets to me

Puffy's lavender watercolor

Has been defaced

The words
JEW
and
KIKE

Scrawled in black paint

Dripping like vile blood

A vampire's tag.

And beneath

In smaller letters

More words, smaller words

Looping across the soft pastels

In black permanent marker

I feel myself choke

As the picture uploads

    
Free Palestine

It reads.

MYSTERY

No one seems to know

How

Or

When

It happened

But this morning when Sarah arrived

To stand guard at the Freedom Wall

The damage was done

No one is sure

Who

Or

Why

But Freckle texts me:

Thrs nly 1 plstnian at schl

Cn u tlk 2 Smr?

TRUST

But before I get the chance, he calls

Meet me at Starbucks,
he says

I haven't left the house in four days

But I agree, and change out of my pajamas

Cinnamon-scented steam rises

From the cups on the table between us.

Everyone thinks I did it, don't they?

Freckle, I mean Genie thinks so, I admit

Something about saying her real name

Troubles me, I don't know why.

Freckle?
Samir says, with a smile

You're hilarious. That suits her so well.

We sip our chai, holding hands

Did you do it? I finally ask.

Samir looks into my eyes

I feel myself catch fire, burn to ashes

And blow away on a gust of wind

As someone opens the door.

No, I quickly say, Samir lets go

Of my hand and says,
No, I didn't. No.

FATHERING

With eagle eye

Now that we have told him

We rely

On his strength

Dad's vision and concern

Will go to any length.

Kayli tells me you're upset

Dad says later

What he doesn't get

Would fill a lake

But I tell him anyway

For his sake:

Why do I have to mistrust

So universally

Can't I just

Love Samir and believe

He tells the truth?

Is that naïve?

Because deep down I feel

Some doubt

Small doubt, but solid and real

He used that black paint

In his art, which I guess

Is why I feel so faint.

Dad nods, looking wise

And tells me

Love can cloud our eyes

And those in love are easily misled

Sometimes you should ignore your heart

And listen to your head.

AND ANOTHER THING

Two in the morning

Staring at the dark ceiling

My phone beeps

On the desk

Hala dlvrd boy. V prmture.

Pray. Luv Samir.

Oh God, dear God, I start

But can't go on

Because why should I ask for help

From someone whose fault it is?

Sndng luv. R U at hosp?

Im awke. Call?

Then I wait, wondering

How I can confess I haven't prayed

And hoping maybe he won't ask

My phone rings.

Why are you up so late?

Or did my text wake you?

I was awake, couldn't sleep

Just thinking about everything

Are you okay?

Have you seen the baby?

Just through a window here in NICU

He's tiny and red. Poor angel.

I bite back tears

Thinking of Gabriel.

He'll make it, I'm sure, I say

They can do amazing things now.

The doctors say it's no one's fault

But Hala blames herself.

Privately I think of God

Mercilessly, capriciously deciding

Who lives and who dies

And when and how.

But she did everything she could

Vitamins, eating right, resting

Do you want to come over

I mean, just to sleep?

I've said it without thinking

And hope, kind of, that he'll say no.

No thanks. Tempting, but I can't

My parents are leaving in a few minutes

He hangs up.

Does it matter, I wonder,

If he defaced Puffy's painting?

Can I live with that?

gdnght thx 4 tlkng 2 me

try 2 sleep luv u

But if he did and he lied

What does that mean?

He wants me to trust him

Does he trust me?

LOGIC

I could pray

For God to let Hala's baby live

And if He did

I might hate Him all the more

For making Samir's family suffer

Needlessly.

Had I some disease

And God cured me

I might ask why

He gave me the disease

In the first place

Does suffering amuse Him?

Mom prays for strength

To resist her compulsions

And she claims she finds it

But why would God

Make such a defective brain

That can go so horribly wrong?

I know Mom and Dad both pray

When Kayli gasps for breath

Once her lips turned blue

While we waited for the ambulance

Mom started saying the Hail Mary

And Dad the Lord's Prayer

And the ambulance came

And saved her

Just in time
, Mom said

God cleared the traffic

And put the wind at their backs

But why give her asthma at all?

CONFRONTATION

God

Where were you when Gabriel died?

Where were you

When they bulldozed Samir's home

Or when his cousin died?

When buses blow up

When bridges collapse

When little children starve

Or drown

Get shot

Or raped

Do you watch

Or look away?

MY SECRET

Then like an old friend

I recognize the bleak fact

That there is no God.

All those years I was

Talking to myself, praying

To an empty sky.

chapter thirteen

CHIFFON

AND NOW SAMIR

In the middle of Mom's history lesson

(Which, frankly, is quite bizarre)

The doorbell rings

Samir, red-faced, from running

And cold

And…

They sent me home from school

“Pending investigation”

David's father is on the warpath again

“Hate crime” they are calling it

I wish I HAD done it

They don't know what a hate crime is.

He has tears in his eyes

I know he didn't do it

How could I have ever thought he would?

Despite Mom's disapproval

I drag him upstairs, and hold him

Until he stops trembling.

RACHEL

I call Puffy's mother

It's all I can think to do.

We meet at the falafel place

Because Samir has a shift at Starbucks.

I love baklava,
she says

Licking honey from her fingers

You look better

How is your mom?

Samir didn't do it, I say

She looks doubtful, then sighs

We left Israel to get away from all that

But it has followed us here.

Samir respects art; that's not his way.

His painting was very hurtful to us

To him too, I say

That's why he painted it.

If he didn't do it, who did?

I don't know, I confess

Sarah is very upset, so is Genie

And when she says Genie

Genie, I remember the name

Genie, swirled onto my math book

The numbers too, but the name

The last
e
in Genie, looped and sideways

Just like the last
e
in
Free Palestine.

GENI-EEEEEE

I have to go now

(My coffee is about to come back up)

I have to go now

(This horror is about to get worse)

I have to go now

(I have to think of a way to prove it)

I have to go now

(Genie did it; that's so messed up)

I have to go now

(Why would she do it to her own best friend?)

I have to go now

(Even I don't get the psychology here)

I have to go now