Audacious (12 page)

(I thought Genie and I were becoming friends)

I have to go now

Thank you, Rachel, for your help

On Christmas Day

And your understanding now

But I have to go.

REHEARSAL

The anti-virus I installed was a free trial

It just expired.

They say there's a nasty worm going around

Let me update you to the full version

And run a scan on Pinky.

It will take a couple of hours

Maybe overnight might be best

Do you want to just leave it here?

I'll come by later to get it.

Then I pick up the phone

And dial.

PINKY

Pinky sits expectant

Like she understands

My devious plans

As though she invites my hands

To tear apart her files

She smiles

Her musical greeting

As if we're meeting

For the first time

But this is the second crime

I've inflicted on poor Pinky.

Pinky opens up

Like a flower in the sun

Ready to be pollinated

Or invaded, investigated.

This would be so fun

If it wasn't for the dumb reason

I'm committing this act of treason

On someone I thought I knew

While admitting

I don't want it to be true

But Pinky doesn't care.

Laid bare

Like a corpse on a slab

In some damp and spooky

Underground lab

While some freaky Dr. Frankenstein

That's me

Pokes around the guts

To see what I can see

And finds enough useless stuff

To write a cheesy girl book

But Pinky's not off the hook

Yet.

I will never forget the feeling

Like it's someone's heart

I'm stealing back,

Because I thought it was mine

But all the time

There was a piece, a slice

A serving of a smile

That maybe I was undeserving

I find a file, which I unlock

In shock and fear

A file named

Samir.

EXCERPTS FROM GENIE'S JOURNAL:
LAST YEAR

We held hands on the bus

Samir has the softest hands…

…He kissed me in the hallway

By the gym

No one saw

My lips are still tingling…

…No one can know

Especially not Dad.

I can't even tell Sarah.

She would be horrified…

…Samir has this new friend, Khalid

He's an über-Muslim

All praying and fasting and long sleeves

The whole fundy package…

…We were going to do it!

But Samir didn't show up tonight

When Dad came home at one thirty

I had to tell him I watched a sad movie

Because he could tell I'd been crying…

…Samir wouldn't talk to me today at school

He said he had to rush to math

But there was at least five minutes

Until the bell…

…I'll never forgive him

How could he do this?

We were so in love.

AND FINALLY

A Facebook message

From Sarah to Genie

U don't really think Sam did it do u?

And Genie's reply

Who cares?

Even Sarah is shocked.

How can u say that?

That's so cold.

He could go to jail!

But Genie is unmoved

He and LA will have that in common.

But privately

In a file it takes forty-five minutes to hack into

Genie writes:

I'm so scared.

I don't know what to do.

What if they DO arrest him?

Or if Sarah finds out?

She'll disown me

For writing those words

I'm such an idiot

Samir just used me

But I still love him

I've got no one to talk to

I wish Mom was here

I wish I was dead.

GRATITUDE

Mom is writing in her gratitude journal

It's something her therapist recommends

When I sit down beside her she shows me

The top of each page reads
my girls

Then the words
three minutes

She always says, when she can talk about it

That she's grateful little Gabriel

Wasn't born dead.

Every page, every day, starts the same way:

My girls
and
three minutes.

He knew his mother,
she says,
heard my voice

He opened his eyes and looked at me

And you two, you're like the two sides

The two ventricles of my heart.

Me, I'm awash with gratitude right now

That the medication is right

The mood is under control

The vomiting has stopped

Because right now, more than anything

I need my mom.

I tell her everything, every little detail

Samir, the condoms even, Genie, the “hate crime”

The unlocked file, the awful truth

And all the while she holds my hand.

And when I finish she knows just what to say

So we have your side, you seem to know

The other girl's side too, her story

Now it is time to talk to this boy.

WHEN A BOY CRIES IN STARBUCKS

It is powerful

And heartbreaking

It is unexpected

Yet vindicating

He is contrite

And begs forgiveness

I wanted to tell you

But I promised her

She was so angry at me

And didn't want anyone to know

It wasn't serious

We were just kids

It was only last year, I say

Have you grown up so much?

We didn't do anything

Just kissed a couple of times

She seems to think you planned

To go all the way

She wanted to; I didn't

I was very confused last year

You're still confused aren't you?

No, not about you; I love you.

BUT FIRST, MY LAWYER CALLS

What a joke our justice system is

When charges are traded

Like baseball cards

I'll give you misdemeanor, suspended

If you give me hate crime.

Hate crime, it seems, is valuable

It gets media, it gets cred

Whereas pinning a sex crime

On a sixteen-year-old girl

Is starting to lose its gloss

They think I know something

And are willing to deal for information

My Lawyer thinks public opinion

Has turned in my favor

But David's father will be disappointed

If he had only asked two hours ago

I would have happily turned them both in

And let God sort them out

But boy tears and reflection

Changed my mind.

There is no anti-Semite thug

Just a mixed-up girl

Who one hour ago I might have hated

But now I pity

I know how it feels to love Samir.

HONESTY

After all,

Who am I to judge?

Neither of us realized

What we did

Was considered criminal

After all

She and I

Are not so different

That's just the sort of stupid thing

I would do

After all

We both love the same boy

But he only loves one of us back

I think; he could have used us both

After all.

SORRY GENIE

Sorry Genie

But I know it was you

I recognized the way you write your
e

I read your journal

And made copies of the files

Sorry Genie

It's best if you don't make a scene

I'm telling you before anyone else

Except Samir, he knows

But I think he suspected all along

Sorry Genie

I lied to you about your laptop

I needed to find out the truth

Because I knew Samir was innocent

You understand

Sorry Genie

If we hurt you

I didn't know you were ever with him

He kept your secret like you asked

That's got to be worth something

Sorry Genie

But we're both so deeply in trouble

If someone asks, and they will

If I know who wrote those words

I have to tell them.

THE LOOK ON HER FACE

Could launch a thousand ships

Could cleave your heart in twain

Could make a grown man cry

Could raise the dead

But nothing could prepare me

For her reaction.

When hell freezes over…

To the ends of the earth…

Until the day I die…

And something about the end of the universe.

THE OFFICE

Volatile

The three of us

(Because Samir witnessed the whole sorry scene)

Are sitting in the office

The principal wants our stories

And, of course, Genie goes first

Confident

Samir takes my hand and whispers

This is going to end badly

Then we kiss, tenderly

Until the secretary clears her throat

Samir puts his arm around my shoulders

Defiant

I imagine noosing Genie

And pulling the knot tight

Because I know what she's doing

How she is twisting the truth

To suit her situation

Impassive

The principal emerges

And speaks in clipped tones

To the shocked secretary

Please ask security to escort these two out

Behind him, Genie stares

Triumphant.

ODE TO LAWYERS

When you have a lawyer

You can skip the nasty parts

Like being arrested

For stealing a laptop

They can phone you

When you're on the bus

And break the bad news

They can explain the new charges

Without sounding impatient

That you've screwed up again

You can say things like

I didn't steal it, she gave it to me

And leave out the part about tricking her

And when you say

What if I just leave town?

They can't tell your parents

They pretend to be on your side

And charge $250 per hour

To listen to you sob with frustration.

You have someone who knows everything

And who will maybe understand

When you decide to run away.

SAMIR'S BROTHER

My love

Have I told you about my brother?

My father likes to pretend

He doesn't exist

My brother

Is older than Hala

By three years

Ten years older than me

My brother

Remembers the shelling

The house being torn down

Things I can't remember at all

My brother

Didn't want to marry

The girl my parents suggested

He didn't want to marry any girl

My brother

Lives in New York

I think he will take us in

If you don't mind that he's gay

My God

Of course you don't mind

You are the only one

Who accepts everyone as they are.

PACKING

It feels like only days ago

I packed this stuff

I'll start again

I told myself

I'll start

Again

Again

I'll start

A packed bag

A promise to try

To stay out of trouble

A train ticket east

Two train tickets east

And a declaration

Of true love

A dream

Escape

Us

We

Need

Each other

A few clothes

Long-sleeved shirts

A vintage dress I wore once

A pink dress

Appears, resurrected

I threw it away

And yet

There

It is

It is

The dress

I tried to leave

Like the part of me

That refuses to conform

I hope they like it in New York.

THE PINK CHIFFON DRESS

Mom thought it was from the '60s,

Maybe the '70s

I found it at the thrift store

By the soup kitchen

I liked how soft the fabric was

Like waves of pink cobwebs

And I liked that it had long sleeves

And a high neck

Because I hated to show too much

I loved the bright color

And the way it moved

When I twirled in the fitting room

I liked how bold it seemed

At the black and white ball

The girls in their little black sheaths

All collarbones and pushed-up boobs

And me a fluffy little pink flower

Glowing in the slag pile

Though I don't remember dancing in it

And there are no pictures of me at the dance

Just an elusive memory of some excitement

Some kind of scene that Mom and Dad

Were not happy about (what's new?)

And nausea because I got so drunk.

It's a little loose now

I've lost some shape

From stress, maybe

But it still makes me feel powerful

Feminine, strong, safe and

Like myself again.