Audacious (14 page)

IN THE DARK, I scream, for the whole night?!

Suddenly I feel light-headed and hot

What girls?
Samir says

What are you talking about?

For a blissful second I'm not sure

Then something acrid bubbles up inside me

I turn and vomit tea into a snowdrift

And want more than anything else

To tear off the pink dress.

Samir tries to stop me

But I pull away

And run

Home.

FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE: PART TWO

The Range Rover appears

A flash of blue in the whiteout

Dad jumps out and scoops me up

Like a little girl

Like he did once

When one of those cunts finally

Confessed the next day

That I was locked under the stairs

In the old auditorium.

He burst through the door

With police behind him

And wordlessly scooped me up.

I dropped the bottle I'd held all night

Empty, it shattered on the concrete floor

My raincoat smelled of whiskey

And puke

There was an ambulance that time

But this time he buckles me in

Beside him and tucks his own coat

Around me.

Your young man called

He's very upset

What happened?

What happened Dad?

What happened that night

At my junior-high dance?

How did you manage to lose me?

Rah Rah,
he says,
you asked us not to come

You wanted to go alone.

And then you didn't come home.

I can't stop shivering

Dad cranks the heat up

As high as it will go

I didn't think you remembered

Much of that,
Dad says

You were so drunk when we found you.

They had to pump your stomach.

That girl saved your life.

She called us when she heard

Told us she saw you around there

And remembered how the door would lock.

I grab Dad's arm and tell him to stop.

Stop talking.

Stop the car.

I'm crying

Like I have never cried in my life

Dad, I say, I didn't go down there alone

Those girls took me down there

Lured me down there

To drink with them

And then locked me in.

Locked me in the dark

In the cold

Nothing but concrete,

Whiskey and me

Mocked me through the door

And left me

To not quite die.

Dad pulls the parking brake

Are you sure?

Now I'm wailing: I'm so messed up

I'm going to go to jail

Or something terrible.

Samir and I were going to run away.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry Daddy, I say

I've screwed up so badly this time

I wanted to be better

I really tried

You didn't do anything wrong,
Dad says

My girl, my Rah Rah.

I'll fix it.

chapter fifteen

TRUTH

SOAK

Samir calls, six times

While I'm soaking in the tub

Shivering, and finally

Being dressed by Mom

In flannel pajamas

And put into bed.

I'll speak to the boy,
she says

You need to sleep.

The phone stops ringing

I lie in bed, looking at the pink dress

On the floor where I discarded it

And will it to burst into flames

Of course it doesn't

Because there are no such things

As miracles.

As for sleep

That's not likely

My head is ringing

Their voices

What they shouted

Through the locked door

As I begged them

To let me out

Of the dark

That word they called me

It started with
C
.

RECKONING

It was a bad year,
says Mom

Although I pretend to be asleep

She knows better.

I should have noticed

I should have been available for you

But I was trapped in my own grief

For Nana

And for Gabriel.

Now this year

I've done it again

Caught up in my own bullshit.

At this, I turn and look at her

Mom never swears in front of me.

I can do something for you

I know this boy, Samir

He didn't deface that painting

I know you know who did

Why don't you tell someone?

So I do

And half an hour later

I'm dressed

Sitting at the dining room table

Across from Genie

And her dad.

GENIE'S LAST STAND

She denies everything

And claims I faked my evidence

Her journal entries

And her loopy handwriting

Mean nothing to her.

I can see her father

Losing patience

And I get the feeling

This is not the first time

Genie has been caught in a lie.

But we get nowhere

She refuses to confess

And I adamantly defend Samir

And our long-suffering parents

Sigh and press their lips together.

Finally I ask to speak to Genie alone

I don't have time for this, I say

I'm going to court tomorrow

For something I know I did do

I might end up in jail

So let's get this out in the open

You have a score to settle with Samir?

Here, talk to him

I dial and hand her my phone

And then I go back to bed.

FACEBOOK PRIVATE MESSAGES

From Genie

I told sarah. she called david's dad and told him. he's dropping

the case. happy? i've lost my bff thanks to u. u and samir

deserve each other.

if u tell anyone else i'll kill u. BTW i've changed ALL my

passwords.

-g

UNFRIEND

To Samir

How did you get her to change her mind about telling

the truth?

-r

From Samir

Don't be mad, but you're not the only one who's taken a

naked picture. Good thing I saved the ones she sent to me.

I love you

-sam

To Samir

You saved them? Why did you save them?

-r

From Samir

Is there any answer that will make me NOT seem like a total

dick?

Still love you

-sam

REASON

There is some reason left in the world

Apparently

The judge rules that my art is just that.

Art
, she says

Must be taken in context.

Since I was not the one

Who sent the image as a text

And when she is about to reveal

Who actually did

David's father objects!

The judge glares at him but says

Sustained

What a seriously screwed-up system.

As for the “hate crime”

The laptop and Freckle

None of that is mentioned.

I leave the courthouse

Not a criminal

Not a sex offender

Just me

A misfit troublemaker

In mismatched shoes.

I HATE HOSPITALS

The smell, I think

Disinfectant on vinyl

Latex and bleach

And mashed potatoes

In neonatal

All of this is covered

With a cloud of baby poo

Spit-up, anxiety and grief

Hala watches her tiny son

Through the incubator plastic

Her hand resting beside him

His spidery fingers around her thumb.

I leave her
Arab
canvas, wrapped

And look for Mom to leave

But she's sitting next to Hala

Samir appears in the doorway

What is his name?

Mom asks, and Hala clears her throat

Jibreel, it is an angel's name

The same as the English Gabriel

Mom catches her breath

And takes Hala's other hand

A moment passes so full

I think I hear the walls creak

Expanding to fit

The weight of heartbreak and hope

Samir and I lock eyes, knowing

We have just witnessed a miracle, of sorts.

THE END

Are you coming back to school?

Do you want me to?

I don't know…my…

You're breaking up with me, aren't you?

I'm so sorry
I still love you

What difference does that make?

It should make a difference
But I don't think I can be with you
Without becoming someone else.
Someone who I don't want to be
Who I can't be
And still be me.

Innocent and free. No parents, no school

No religion

No you, no me.

I meant those things when I said them
But things have changed

They haven't changed for me

I love YOU

Not what you believe

I am what I believe
Because I believe
Jibreel is going to live, Inšh
All
h

I know what that means

“If God wills it”

If that is who your god is

I don't like Him.

You don't understand

No, I don't.

We're too different.

I'm an adult

And you are a child.

MEMORY

That stung him

And the memory of his face

His pain

Sustains me.

Later

The memory of his hands

And lips and tongue

Derails me.

The pink dress hangs

In a dry-cleaning bag

In my closet

I lay it on the bed

Can I have it?

Kayli says behind me.

I want to wear it to Spring Fling

I narrow my eyes.

You? I say

Don't you prefer something

More revealing?

Kayli blushes prettily.

A boy asked me to go, but he

Wants me to wear something…

I groan. Modest? I say

He's not…

A Mormon
, Kayli says

And we both laugh until

Dad calls up the stairs

Telling us to turn off the gas.

WITHOUT HIM

But later

My laughter turns

To tears

I cry and cry

Samir's last words to me

You don't understand

Cut, deep an untruth

An accusation

I cannot bear

I understand everything

What it's like

How empty

How pointless

Heartless

And perplexing

To live

Without

Him.

TINY

The photograph

Lovingly framed

Then wrapped in blue tissue

And tied with white satin

I don't look at it much anymore,
Mom says

Maybe I should.

She peels back the ribbon

The paper falls away

It is a tiny photo, black and white

Two impossibly small feet

He weighed less than a pound,
she says

Like a sprite, he could have curled up in my hand

Darling Gabriel,

Whose only task on earth

Was to break my mother's heart.

It took him his whole life.

Can you make a painting?

Her uncertainty is unbearable

Because I would move planets

And eat snakes for her, for Gabriel.

CHALLENGE