Autumn and Summer (23 page)

Wearing black leggi
ngs, sneakers, and a cute white top, Camilla Parker walked in looking absolutely stunning in casual wear.

“
Oh God,” Camilla gasped, jumping back and clutching her hands to her chest.

“You scared me! I wasn’t expecti
ng anyone to be standing there when I walked in,” Camilla giggled. “Hey, I remember you. Summer? From the gallery right?”

“
Right. Hi Camilla,” I replied, forcing a smile. “How have you been?”

I’ve been lusting after her boyfriend
all afternoon… all week… all month,
I thought in frustration.
What am I doing? This is not me.

“
I’ve been well! Thanks for asking. How have you been? How was the shoot today?”

“It went well.
I got some really good shots,” I answered, shifting the camera bag with the lighting equipment to the other hand.

“Good! I
t’s going to be weird seeing Xavier in an ‘Eligible Bachelor’ spread, but what can you do,” Camilla laughed prettily.

I smiled as she continued, “I just needed to drop something off to him for tonight
. Is he in the back?”

I looked around.  “Yeah, he went to the locker room and to close up.”

“Okay, thanks! I don’t want to run off, but I have a hair appointment to get to.”

I nodded. “I understand. It was good seeing you again.”

“You too!” Camilla reached out to squeeze my arm before walking in the direction I had last seen Xavier.

As soon as Camilla entered the
locker room, I borderline ran out of the building. I felt numb as I moved swiftly and kept watch over my shoulder. Carefully placing all of my equipment in the trunk, I jumped in my car and peeled out of the parking lot. Turning the music up to an ear-piercing decibel, I ignored the sinking feeling in my chest. I ignored the thoughts in my head. And I ignored the tears that burned behind my eyes.

**********

Waiting for my clothes to dry, I sat on the couch reading a book. As soon as the dryer buzzed, so did my phone.

Boris
: Give me a call when you get a chance.

             
Putting the phone to my heart, I closed my eyes. It was Boris’s third text message since I woke up this morning.  I didn’t respond to the ‘Good morning’ or the ‘I’m thinking about you’ text messages because I was confused. So instead, I showered, dressed and had a long talk with Summer about Jordan. I needed to debrief with her about my night, but I also welcomed the distraction. But sitting at home alone with a basket full of clean laundry, everything came rushing back.

You know what?
This is all Summer’s fault,
I thought suddenly as I walked up stairs with my fresh linens.
Dating all these guys was supposed to be completely fun and carefree. But I don’t feel carefree…in fact, I care too much! Though I will admit, moving from guy to guy was enlightening and liberating. I learned more about what I wanted, what I needed, and what I needed to stay far away from this month than I had with my safe, boring dates.

I finished folding clothes and prepared to take the basket back down to the laundry room when my phone vibrated again.

Jordan Moretti: Guess what just came on?

A
utumn Jones: What?

Jordan Moretti: Dexter

Autumn Jones: Haha! Watch the entire episode and wait until you see what he does in his kill room and tell me I wasn’t completely justified in my reaction to our first painting date!!

Jordan Moretti: On it.

             
Smiling, I put the phone on the nightstand and went downstairs.
Jordan is refreshing. He is ridiculously cute. He’s fun. He’s sweet. And we have this physical connection that makes me want to kiss him and touch him the entire time we’re together. I know I said we should be friends, but the sparks fly when I’m around him so I need to keep my distance. Friendship is all I can offer him. I don’t want to be his rebound. I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound,
I thought, chewing on my lip.

             
Grabbing the book I left downstairs and a bottle of water, I retreated back to my room just in time to hear my phone vibrating again.  Checking it, I saw the missed call from Noah, my date for the night, and a new text message from Boris.

Boris
: I miss your voice.

             
Reading his words made my mouth go dry. Frustrated by how four simple words could completely derail me, I took two huge gulps of water.

             
It’s completely irresponsible for me to have feelings for a man that I’ve never met. It’s even more irresponsible to continue to entertain the idea of a relationship with him after he makes it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. How did I even get here? As reckless and irresponsible as it is, I have feelings for him…we have feelings for each other. And it’s all for nothing because we want different things,
I reflected as I paced back and forth across my room.

             
When the phone rang and I saw who it was, it stopped me in my tracks.  I had used every bit of self-restraint I had in me to not text him back. There was no way I could ignore his call.

“Hello
,” I answered the phone as I started pacing again, only faster.

             
“Hi,” Boris responded tentatively. “How are you?”

             
“I’m fine.”

             
“I didn’t hear from you last night or this morning so I just called to check on you.”

             
“Well, I’m fine.”

             
The silence that followed was absolute. I sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for him to say something. I knew I was pouting like a petulant child, but I was having a moment, immersed in my feelings.

             
“Autumn…” Boris started.

             
As soon as I heard him speak my name, I broke. “I’m sorry,” I interrupted with a sigh. “I’m being childish.”

“Talk to me
.” The smooth deep tenor of his voice made my chest ache.

Taking a deep breath, I
said, “In the short amount of time we’ve known each other, I’ve developed feelings for you. And if you don’t have the time, energy, or desire to be in a relationship, what are we doing?”

Boris
was quiet before he answered honestly. “I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. I-I don’t know.”

I crawled up to my pillow so I could lie down. “Me either.”

              “I have feelings for you too. You have to know that.”

My heart fluttered every single time he said it
. “I know,” I whispered. “But we don’t want the same things. And I’m not trying to set myself up. I know what I want and I know what you want so we should just stop…talking?” I struggled to find the words to accurately describe what it was that we were doing.

“
I don’t want to stop talking to you.”

             
I sighed. “I don’t want to stop talking to you either. But we don’t want the same things.”

             
“So what do you suggest? That we just be friends?”

             
“Yes,” I answer so quietly it sounds like a breath.

             
“No,” he responded immediately with an absolute certainty that it almost made me want to laugh. Almost.

             
“What?” I sputtered. “You can’t ask me a question and then say ‘no’ to my answer!”

             
“Well I didn’t like your answer and I’m not accepting that.”

             
My lips gave way to a small smile at his words.
Even when I’m sad, he’s so charming,
I thought with a sigh.

             
“You have to accept it. We don’t have any other options,” I informed him.

             
“What I feel for you isn’t the way I feel about my friends.”

             
“I feel the same way, but I’m not going to do this to myself. We’re not on the same page right now, and I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m waiting around for you to be ready.”

             
“It won’t be like this for the rest of my life, but right now, I’m really focused on my business. It comes first and I don’t want to disappoint you. You deserve someone who can give you all of their time. I’m not that man. Not right now, at least. And you don’t know how hard that is for me to admit.”

             
I silently replayed bits and pieces of our past conversations in my head. Every conversation, every single time we talked and nothing he’s ever said led me to believe he wasn’t exactly what I wanted in my life.

Emotionally, h
e’s been there to talk to me and to offer insight and advice. The only way he hasn’t been there for me is physically. And that’s such a big part of a relationship. That’s a deal-breaker for me,
I realized.
I have feelings for him, but at what cost? Am I willing to forgo what I need, want and deserve to be in a pseudo-relationship with a man who admittedly is telling me he can’t give me what I need, want and deserve?

             
Boris cleared his throat. “Autumn, say something,” he urged.

             
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “If we say we’re friends, what really changes between us?”

             
He made an unintelligible noise that sounded like a rumble from deep in his throat. It was soulful and barely audible. And it broke my heart.

“I do
n’t want to just be friends. Not with you,” he said. 

             
In a whisper, I continued, “It’ll be a month next week. If you couldn’t find time for me in nearly a month, friendship is the only thing that makes sense for us right now. ”
Unless you free up your schedule and decide that we should be together and live happily ever after,
I added silently with a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach.

A thick silence hung in the air as we both considered our options
and what they meant. Our weeks-long, undefined relationship was looking like it was going to be defined with an eraser. I had to stand up and pace.

“You’re right,” he admitted slowly. “The honorable thing to do
would be for me to let you go…just walk away. I’m the one who doesn’t have time for a relationship, so I don’t have a right to be selfish. I just…”

My heart pounded in my chest.
Did I really want to be let go,
I questioned internally as I waited with baited breath for his next statement.
Or did I just want someone to fight for me?

His silence told me everything I needed to know.

We were quietly breathing into the phone, not saying a word. My heart tightened.

I stopped pacing
and braced myself against the frame of the bed. “So this has to be the end…” I decided, my voice conveying everything I was feeling.

“Dammit,” he cursed softly. “
I get it. But you have to know that me not wanting to pursue a relationship right now doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you. I can see myself with you, Autumn. I just can’t commit myself to being in a relationship right now because I don’t think I can give you what you need. I’ve already had to cancel a few dates with you. That’s not the type of man I am...especially not with someone like you. But right now, you know what my schedule looks like. And you know my dating history.”

“And you know mine.”

Again, we were quiet.
I should’ve never let this go this far,
I thought sadly.

“Can I tell you my name at least? So I can
hear you call me by my real name at least once.”

             
“Yes…” I said, before changing my mind. “No! No! No!”

             
“Why, Autumn? Why won’t you let me tell you?”

             
“Because if I know your name—if I know who you are—it’ll make this too real for me. I can’t have this be any more real than it already is.”

             
“Autumn…” The gentleness in his voice was heartbreakingly sweet. It triggered something within me and I was overwhelmed that it was the last time we’d speak.

             
“I need to go. I’ll talk to—take care.”

             
Hanging up the phone, my eyes burned with unshed tears for a relationship that hadn’t even had the chance to develop. I flopped on the bed and exhaled.
Could this day get any worse?
I thought closing my eyes. Trying so hard to not get emotional, I ended up falling asleep.

Jolt
ed awake by the slamming of the door, my eyes flew open. I sat up quickly and looked around the room in confusion. It took a full minute before the conversation I had with Boris slowly crept back into my mind. My shoulders slumped and I dropped back onto my pillows.

“Autumn!” Summer called, stomping up the stairs.

              When she got to the second floor landing, I responded, “Hey, I’m in here.”

She poked her head
in my room. Her blonde hair covered most of her face as she said, “I just wanted to say hi before I took a shower. What’s wrong?”

“What’s wron
g with you? Your eyes look pink,” I asked.

“So do yours,
” Summer countered immediately.

We l
ooked at each other for a minute before we both shook our head, silently concluding we didn’t have desire to talk. “Yeah, you do have to get ready for your gala date,” I pointed out, holding my phone up to show her the time.

“And you have a date t
o get ready for. With Noah.” Summer walked all the way in the room and crossed her arms over her chest. “So we’ll talk later.”

“Okay.
We can do it tonight or before brunch with Tati and Liv,” I decided.

“
Works for me.”

“Noah called earlier and I need to call him back. Anything I should know about him before I return his call?
Because I am leaning toward cancelling the date,” I informed her.

“Cance
lling? Why?”

I sat up and looked at her wide-
eyed expression. “Because I am not feeling it right now. I just want to stay home tonight.”

“Well
, I’m going to stay home with you.” Summer shrugged.

“No, y
ou have to go to the gala! It’s a gala!” I exclaimed, climbing off the bed.

“If I’m going out, you’re going out. Besides, your date’s name is Noah because he looks like Ryan Gosling.”
Summer wiggled her eyebrows and nodded slowly.