Avowed (The Manipulation Trilogy Book 3) (15 page)

I miss her so much.

Even knowing the truth, my heart still aches from missing her. 

I sit, letting all the grief I feel inside flow from me, purifying myself of the pain from losing her. I finally give myself time to let her go fully. When I stop crying I actually feel a little better, stronger even. 

I glance up at the bedroom doors debating which I should go into first, and get to my feet, walking to the spare room. My hand hovers over the handle. I’ve have not been in this room since the day I put all of Lydia's things in there. 

My phone ringing in the kitchen distracts me, and I turn and head there instead, taking the time to ready myself to sort through Lydia’s personal items. My mobile stops ringing when I reach it, and when I check the caller id the call is registered as an unknown number. Putting my phone in my pocket, I turn back to the bedroom and don't hesitate this time. I walk in, swinging the door open and flick the lights on.

All Lydia’s things are piled in the corner where I placed them three years ago. A thick layer of dust has gathered on the boxes, showing how long it’s been since there was any life in this room. 

The first box I open contains all of her makeup. I lift out a lipstick, turning it over to look at the colour – Cherry Blossom Red. Nearly all of her lipsticks were red; it was her favourite colour. Throwing the lipstick back in the box, I close it before moving on to the next box. It's filled with all her jewellery, items she wore and items she saved. Pulling bits out, I remember the times she wore them.

When I dig deeper into the box my fingers find a locket that I got her not long after Pops died.  Lifting it out of the box I use my nails to click it open. My fingers feel shaky and I drop the locket to the floor, before picking it back up again, fumbling to open it. No longer is the picture of me and her in there, instead smiling up at me is my husband. She’s removed me and replaced me with Damon. The heart locket now contains him and her.

Waves of emotion fill me, and the reality that I didn’t know she was ill doesn’t, and will not ever, sit well with me. I was her sister, I should have seen it.

I should have known
. 

“I'm so sorry Lydia,” I say out loud. I wipe the tears falling from my eyes and continue to talk to no one. “I still feel you. I miss you so god damn much,” I whisper “You were always the stronger one. You were my rock, the one who was always there for me. Why didn't you talk to me? Why did you think it was okay to leave me?” A sob escapes as all the pain I have held onto for so long flows from my heart.

“I'm so tired Lyds. I'm so tired of hurting and feeling lost without you.” It comes out as a whimper and my breath catches in my throat. “Do you hate me Lydia? You loved him, and I didn't mean to love him too, but I do. I love him so much.” I sob uncontrollably to no one. “He's mine. I hate that I feel like I betrayed you because I didn’t. If anything, you betrayed me. You didn’t let me in when you needed me. It haunts me Lydia, but if that’s what it takes to be with him I will let this haunt me for the rest of my life,” I sniffle. I scream out loud as my emotions turn up a notch and my anger takes over.

“You
left
me. You chose
death
over me and I’ll never forgive you for that. You took my last family because you were selfish. I thought you were strong Lydia, but you were weak.”

My phone ringing again pulls me back to reality. I click the green button to accept Damon’s call.  Hearing his voice, all the emotions I have felt over the past few hours boil over and I softly cry into the phone without speaking.

“Ella? What's wrong? Are you okay?” he asks immediately. The concern in his voice heals another little crack in my heart, and my anger beings to ebb. I could never doubt that this man truly loves me.

“I'm... I'm okay,” I hiccup, trying to calm my shaking voice. “I'm just at my house, sorting through Lydia’s things.” I don’t need to say anything more. He knows what it would have taken for me to come here. 

“I'm on my way beauty,” Damon says. I don’t respond. I lie back on the carpeted floor and inhale a cleansing breath.

The locket is still gripped tightly in my palm, and it feels like its burning me, fire in my hand, but I can’t let it go. I cling to it.

The picture of Lydia is the one I placed in it myself before I gave her the gift, and the one of Damon is one I have never seen before. Smiling directly at the camera he looks happy, and I wonder where she got it. Seeing them side by side lets me see they could have been a perfect couple. They are both extraordinary beautiful. I don’t know how much time passes but I feel him before I see him. He comes and sits down by my side. Damon pulls me into his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist so I am straddling him. Being in his arms opens the floodgates and I break down.

“Shhhhh baby, it’s okay,” he says, soothingly, gently rubbing his hand over my hair. “It's okay Ella.  It's okay to cry. Let it all out beauty,” he says calmly.

“I'm.... I'm sorry,” I cry, getting tears and snot all over Damon’s expensive suit, which makes me cry even more.

I let all my pain, hurt, sorrow, and anger bleed out of me, and Damon stays there to hold me together, fixing me by just being there. By being what I need most.  

When my crying finally subsides, I look up and am met by his warm beautiful chocolate eyes. He places a kiss on my nose and wipes away any remaining tears with his thumb, giving me a gentle smile. 

I hold up the locket for him to see what got me so upset, and seeing the pictures, his smile falls slightly.

He takes the locket from me and turns it around in his fingers, before placing it back in my palm. I wait for him to say something but he doesn’t.

“I gave her this,” I explain. “I wanted to give her something special after Pops died to say thank you. I wanted her to know she was my best friend and not just my sister. I also wanted her to know that no matter what, we had each other. We were each other’s family and she would always hold my heart close to hers,” I say in a whisper. “I put a picture of each of us in it. It was special, Damon. To me it was, anyway.”

I look up into his eyes and I know he understands. How hurt I feel that he was able to replace me, that something that wasn't real was more important to her.

I throw the locket back into the box, not wanting to look at it any more. She was able to replace me so easily and I can’t let go of her. Now I just want to not remember her. I move out of his arms and stand up, storming into the kitchen to grab the rubbish bags I brought with me.

Walking back into the room, the anger inside me builds and I'm furious that she thought I wasn't important. I’m furious that he was more important to my sister than I was. I grab the make-up box and empty the contents into the sack then start doing the same with the other boxes.

I was never important to her.

I was replaceable.

All my grief was for nothing. 

“Beauty, stop,” Damon says softly. I pay him no attention and continue dumping all this unimportant shit. “Ella stop!” he shouts, but again I ignore him. All my anger is pouring from me. She let me down and I want her out of my life. I no longer want her corrupting my mind, and I don’t want her warping my memories with fake ones.

She was a fake.

Damon’s arms band round me and I struggle against him with what little fight I have left until I care no more. My body sags against him and I let him support me.

“Ella, I’m here beauty. You don't need to do this now. Calm down baby.” His voice is demanding but calming at the same time. The sound that escapes my throat sounds like a wounded animal being tortured, and my legs feel weak as every emotion I have suppressed seeps through me.

“Why did she leave me? Why was loving you more important than loving me?” I wail “I was her sister. I loved her so much Damon,” I hiccup, my voice breaking as I speak. “She was all I had left and I hate her for dying, for choosing death over me.” I sob into his chest, and he strokes my back in long strong strokes, but he doesn’t say a word. “I miss her so much. I would give anything just to have one more moment with her, just to tell her that I love her. How pathetic is that? I want something that was never real. I want pretend even though I know I meant nothing to her,” I say, conflicting emotions making my mind fuzzy. When I finish talking, I realise that I am a lot calmer now, and Damon notices too as his hold on me loosens. He is just running his hands up and down my arms, calming me more.

“Are you okay?” he asks, genuine concern in his voice. I nod my head at Damon’s question.

“Are you sure?” he asks again, not quite believing me after my outburst.

“I'm okay. I'm sorry you had to see that.” I give him a weak smile.

“Beauty, it’s my job to see things. It’s also my job to be here when you need me, and to love you for the rest of my life, and let you get your anger out when you need to. I’ll be everything you need but I won’t let you hurt yourself. I’ll go against you if I need to protect you from yourself and right now that’s what I think you need,” he replies. “Your memories aren’t fake baby. Everything for you was real, so don’t let her mental state affect your precious moments.

Damon’s lips meet mine in a quick kiss before he bends to pick up a box. “Now are we going to go through all this stuff, or are we going with your second plan and just tossing it?” he asks, sarcastically, making me laugh.

I walk over and take the box from him. It has all of her favourite perfumes in it, and I lift one out and spray it on my skin. Channel No5 engulfs my senses, and I thought I would feel sad but it’s comforting to smell her. When I look at Damon, recognition is all over his face. He remembers her smell too. 

****

We spend the next few hours going through everything, laughing when something triggers a new memory that Damon makes me share with him. The items I want to keep of Lydia's are piled in the corner. I removed the lipstick I threw in the refuse sack and placed it with her favourite perfume, and the necklace. I have bagged up her clothes that will be sent to the charity shop. Apart from a few items I would like to keep everything else can go.

By the time we have finished it’s dark outside and Damon has filled his car, and is currently packing up the last few things into mine. I take a moment to look around the empty rooms. I thought I would feel sad but this was never home to me. 

“Are you ready?” I don’t hear Damon come in so his voice startles me. I whip around and he chuckles at my alarmed expression. I scowl at him.

“I'm sorry beauty, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says gently, flashing his beautiful smile at me. He walks into the kitchen and picks up the pile of letters I left there earlier. I know they are mostly bills and junk mail. I watch as he leafs through them, sorting them into piles. He pulls a few envelopes that look to be hand addressed to me out of the pile and hands them to me. I lift up the large cream envelope first. It doesn’t have a post mark so must have been hand delivered. Damon throws all the junk in the rubbish before placing what looks like bills inside my bag. 

I can’t help smiling as I watch him move around. He is always so comfortable.

Opening the envelope, I pull out a smaller letter inside, and I notice something else is included. Reaching in, I pull out the fabric and find that it is my silk scarf. Confusion fills my mind, I hadn’t even realised I no longer had it.

My heart stutters and freezes in my chest as I take in the words on the paper.

He can’t have you. You’re mine Ella.

I drop the letter to the floor as bile rises up in my throat, and I frantically reach for the next one.

I slide my finger under the lid and open it, pulling out a single sheet of paper. Three words are written on the page.

You are mine
.

I chew my lip, my frown still in place.
What the hell is this?
I drop it down onto the counter, only to pick up the next one, tearing it open I find nine words.

You don't belong to him. You belong to me
.

My pulse picks up pace as I reread the words on the page over and over again. This has to be a joke. I repeat the process again and again, only to find more and more disturbing words.

I'm the only one who gets to have you.

Why would you marry him? You are NOT his.

I won't let him have you Ella.

If you can't be mine I would rather you dead.

My breathing picks up and my hands shake. Damon turns and must see the fear on my face as he moves quickly to my side.

“Beauty?” he questions, worriedly. I push the letter into his hand and he reads quickly. Damon’s eyes widen and he begins quickly flicking through the others on the counter. I watch with closed detachment as the colour drains from his face, making him look deathly pale.

Damon drops the letters to the floor and pulls me into his arms.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you Ella. I will find whoever is doing this. I will protect you with everything I am. Do you hear me? No one will ever harm you,” he says. He speaks calmly and with conviction, but for the first time, I don't believe what he says.

We quickly grab everything together, and leave. Damon wants to be far away from here. He rings Tom and asks if he can come and collect my car without explaining why. Of course my best friend will do anything for me so agrees to Damon’s request. Tom doesn’t question my husband. He must hear the tone in Damon's voice, and says that he will get there as soon as he can. I climb into Damon’s car and sit quietly as he picks up his phone again and dials another number.