Awake and Dreaming (17 page)

A wave of resentment went through Theo. Anna thought everything had simple solutions. Theo's life was so complicated compared to theirs.

Suddenly she wanted to shock them. “I don't even know my father's last name,” she told them. “I'll
never
meet him.”

“But doesn't he send money to your mother?” asked Anna. “Ashley's father does, even though he lives in Australia.”

“He doesn't even know I exist. We've never had
any
money. My mother had crumby jobs or we lived on welfare.”

“Welfare!” they cried.

“Sometimes we had to panhandle, too,” said Theo. “I danced and people gave us money.”

Anna looked horrified. “But that's begging!”

“We didn't have a choice,” said Theo. She watched a ship glide by on the horizon. Then she took a deep breath and told them everything. How hungry she'd been sometimes, how often they'd moved, what it was like to be alone most of the time in cold apartments full of cock-roaches and mice. They would probably despise her, but she couldn't help it—she felt full of power as she made the details of her life in Vancouver come alive for them.

“It's like a
story,
” said Lisbeth. “Like the little match girl story Daddy read to us.”

Anna's clear eyes brimmed with tears. “I can't believe people really live like that.”

“Lots of people do,” said Theo.

“I think you're really brave,” said Lisbeth.

“So do I,” said Anna.

To Theo's surprise they were gazing at her not with pity or scorn, but with respect.

“Thanks for telling us that,” said Anna quietly. “Let's go back now.” Lisbeth took Theo's hand and kept hold of it all the way down.

Anna's friend Grace Leung came over for a while and Theo had to pretend she'd never met her. When they started talking about school she risked a careful question. “Who teaches grade four at your school?”

“Mrs. Hutchinson,” said Anna.

“Not Ms. Tremblay?”

“There's no one at our school called that,” said Grace. “Why do you want to know?” She looked wary, as if she thought Theo was weird.

“Oh, no reason. I once knew a teacher called Ms. Tremblay and I—I heard she moved to Victoria,” said Theo lamely.

Grace still looked suspicious, but Anna gave Theo a reassuring smile. “Maybe she's at a different school,” she said. “Do you guys want to try our new computer game?”

Theo followed them downstairs, dizzy with confusion. Some details of her former time here were the same as before—like Grace. But Ms. Tremblay didn't exist! Maybe the kids in Ms. Tremblay's class didn't exist either. It was all so confusing she tried to just lap up the soothing warmth that Anna and Lisbeth were showing her.

T
HEO WAS EXHAUSTED
by the end of the day. The Kaldors seemed to expect her to ask
them
questions, too—to participate, to make an effort to know them as if they'd never known each other before. It was hard work, becoming an involved new friend instead of a passively accepted member of the family.

By the end of the day she felt glimmerings of a new kind of belonging—as if they had each put out fragile filaments that knotted them together.

“We're going skiing on Monday for Spring Break,” said Anna, “but come and see us again when we get back, okay?”

“Are you going to Mt. Washington?” asked Theo.

“Yes—how did you know?”

“I just guessed,” said Theo.

“It's a great place!” said John. He went on to tell Theo about his favourite runs. Theo listened longingly, remembering her exhilarating attempts at skiing when she'd gone with them. If only she could go again!

“How did you like the Kaldors this time?” Sharon asked her on the way home.

“They were … all right,” said Theo slowly. They would never be the same as before—she knew that now. But the present family was better than no family at all.

S
HARON ARRANGED
for Theo to spend the first four days of Spring Break with Skye. “I wish I could get the whole week off,” she sighed. “They won't let me take my holidays until the summer.”

“Who are these people you've been visiting?” demanded Skye. She sounded jealous.

“Just some friends.”

“Did you know them before you moved here?”

Theo started to say yes, then she shook her head.

“Then you knew me first!” said Skye. “I don't think it's fair that you spend all your time with them.”

“I've only been there twice,” said Theo.

Skye still looked hurt and Theo realized how much she'd ignored her since she'd found the Kaldors again. She never went to Skye's after school and even in class she barely spoke to her.

But Skye was so needy and dull. She only wanted to be with Theo so she could talk about her father and her old home.

Robin, Skye's mother, was a nurse. Her companion, Carol, was a freelance writer who worked at home. They were both funny, nice women; Theo didn't understand why Skye always seemed so dissatisfied. All she and Skye ever did was play with Barbies, like much younger kids … like Lisbeth!

Anna and Lisbeth weren't as perfect as they'd been before, but they were still much more special than Skye. Theo thought of them constantly as she and Skye watched TV, dressed the Barbies in their endless outfits, or went on outings to the museum and the beach and movies with Carol. She was relieved to get away from Skye when Sharon took her to Nanaimo for three days.

B
Y THE NEXT SATURDAY
Theo was bursting to see the Kaldors again. Anna had told her that it was her eleventh birthday; Theo was to come early and help get ready for her party.

Theo had spent a long time picking out a mystery novel for Anna in the store Sharon had taken her to in Nanaimo. “Don't you want some books for yourself?” she had asked.

“No, thanks,” said Theo. She still didn't feel like reading. Her life was getting so interesting again, she didn't need stories. She grinned to herself as she wrapped the book. Anna didn't know that Theo knew all her favourite authors.

Once again, it was hard work being with the family. But Theo was getting used to it. She asked lots of questions about skiing, she praised Lisbeth's new sweater and she listened patiently to Ben's description of a bear that only he had seen.

She also answered their questions in careful detail, relating what she'd done in Nanaimo as if she were telling a story. “Sharon's friends took us to a place where there were goats on the roof!” she said, enjoying the way Lisbeth's eyes lit up.

Six girls arrived for Anna's party. Theo tried not to think of her other party, when she'd received a new bike and Dan and Laura had served a special dinner. Today they were going to a movie after cake and ice cream.

Anna raved about her book. “How did you know I like this series?”

“I just guessed,” said Theo.

Lisbeth leaned against Theo as Anna opened the rest of her presents. “Sometimes I feel as if we've known you for a long long time,” she whispered.

You
have,
thought Theo sadly. She could never tell them that now.

T
HEO AND SHARON
spent a lot of time talking about the Kaldors. Sharon always wanted to know exactly what they'd done. Her face was envious as Theo described Anna's party. “I always wanted to have lots of brothers and sisters,” she said. “They sound like a perfect family.”

“I used to think they were,” said Theo. “I mean, the first time I visited them,” she added. Was that a lie? It wasn't the first time Sharon thought she meant, but it was true.

Sharon seemed to be waiting for Theo to explain. “I still really like them,” said Theo. “But sometimes they argue and sometimes I feel left out.”

Sharon smiled. “Oh, well, hon …
all
families argue. You should have heard ours! I'm sure they get along better than we did. We were all so different. Dad was so set in his ways and Mary Rae was so rebellious. She could never please him, so Ma spoiled her to make up for it. And they always took it for granted that I wouldn't be any trouble.” She sighed. “But I shouldn't burden you with my memories. You know, Mandy's family is sort of like the Kaldors. Even though they're all grown up and the kids have left home, when I go over there for Christmas or birthdays it's
as if they belong to a special club. They're so close-knit—and they can't help shutting me out.” She hugged Theo. “Never mind, we have each other, right?”

Theo wriggled inside the hug. She
liked
Sharon—but it wasn't the same.

A secret club … that was exactly it. She had been to Mandy's family's house with Sharon for a few Sunday dinners. They
were
like the Kaldors—like a friendly club to which one could never really belong. Her experience was worse than Sharon's, however, because once she
had
belonged.

“Why don't you ask Anna and Lisbeth here one Saturday?” suggested Sharon. “It doesn't seem right that you always go there.”

“No, thank you,” said Theo hastily. She went into her room to escape from Sharon's hurt look. How could she explain that she had to be in their house? Then she could sometimes pretend that she still lived there.

17

T
heo spent the next Saturday with the Kaldors as well. They lent her a bicycle—the same one she'd ridden before.

“It's too bad you haven't got your bike from Vancouver,” said Anna.

“I didn't have a bike. I've never had one,” said Theo.

“How did you learn how to ride one, then?” asked Lisbeth, as Theo passed her on the road.

“I just know,” called back Theo. Because John taught me! she wanted to add. She pedalled hard, then coasted, a grin on her face. Knowing how to ride a bike proved absolutely she'd once lived with the family.

The weekend before Easter Theo was asked to the Kaldors for a sleepover. “That would work out really well for me,” said Sharon. “Mandy and Lynn want me to go to Saltspring Island with them.”

Theo was ecstatic about sleeping and waking up in the house again. She wondered where they'd put her.

“You're sleeping in our room,” Lisbeth told her. She showed Theo a narrow rollaway cot, placed against the same wall where Theo used to sleep. Theo could hardly wait to get into it.

Finally it was time to go to bed. First Dan read them a
chapter from
Swallows and Amazons
. Theo had forgotten how much she'd once loved this story; how powerfully books could pull you in so that you forgot where you were.

The three girls talked and giggled for a long time in the dark. Finally Lisbeth said crossly, “Shut up, you guys! I want to go to sleep!” She was instantly quiet. Anna murmured a few more comments to Theo then she, too, became silent.

Theo tossed for hours. Even after Laura and Dan came up to bed, she was still awake. She lay on her back and stared up at the skylight where she'd heard the rain dripping on her first day. If only she could sleep, maybe she'd wake up and find herself a part of the family again.

But she wouldn't. That had been magic, but this was real. A very pleasant real. She was spending a whole weekend with her best friends. But the magic had spoilt her. She was greedy for more, to belong again.

Now she didn't belong anywhere. Life with Sharon was okay, but Theo knew she couldn't stay there forever. One day she'd have to go back to Rae—a prospect she usually kept pushed deep in her mind. But tonight Theo kept thinking of her mother. Did Rae miss her? She hadn't phoned for weeks. Was she happy living with Cal? Would
Theo
have to live with Cal? She shuddered at the thought of seeing him every day.

Theo threw back her hot quilt. She smoothed Heather's hair—Lisbeth had let her sleep with her. They had forgotten to pull down the blinds; through the other window she could see a crescent moon.

A
new
moon … Theo got up and crept to the window. All the treetops in the cemetery danced in the wind; the moon was a radiant bow above them.

She could try wishing on the moon again! “I wish I
really
belonged to this family,” whispered Theo. It had worked before—why not now?

Theo sat on the chest by the window, staring out at the cemetery. She wasn't asleep, yet she wasn't really awake; she was in a kind of trance, the way she used to be in school in Vancouver.

A movement outside made her glance to the left. A figure was coming out of the entrance to the cemetery: a woman. She walked across the street in a smooth, gliding movement. It was hard to make out her features in the dark, but she was tall and angular, wearing a shapeless coat.

She came closer and Theo could see her better by the streetlight. The woman's face looked strangely familiar. Plain and gaunt, with wispy hair. She looked distracted.

The woman came up the steps and Theo lost sight of her. She must be planning to visit Laura and Dan, but why so late? There was no knock; maybe the woman had decided it was too late, also. Theo waited for her to come back down the steps and walk away, but no one appeared.

She was so tired now; maybe she was dreaming. She got back into bed and sank into sleep. Later she began shivering, vaguely aware that her quilt had slipped to the floor. She was too soundly asleep to wake up and get it.

Then warmth enveloped her as the quilt was tucked around her. Theo smiled and snuggled deeper into her dreams.

F
OR THE FIRST FEW MINUTES
of the morning she couldn't tell if her wish had come true. Anna threw her pillow at her exactly the way she used to and Lisbeth jumped on her bed. Theo was flooded with hope; was she really
back
?

But then Lisbeth said, “I hope we have time to finish our puzzle before Sharon comes to get you.”

Theo's spirits sank. The wish hadn't worked; she was still just a friend, not a sister. She turned her head to hide her swelling tears.