Awake and Dreaming (6 page)

The only thing that was certain was that tomorrow—tomorrow!—she and Rae were taking the ferry to Victoria. Rae was leaving her there. Leaving her to live with her older sister Sharon, whom Theo couldn't remember at all.

Wasn't that what she yearned for? To live somewhere else? But not this! She wanted a
family,
a proper family with a mother and a father and four children—not a single aunt. And what would Sharon be like? What if she was mean? And she'd have to start a new school again …

Rae wouldn't let her tell anyone that she was going to Victoria at the end of the week. “They might start interfering,” she said. “Later I'll write the school a note and say you've left temporarily.”

But Theo knew that, once again, she was being yanked out of a school for good. Even if she did come back, Rae and Cal would be living in another part of the city.

She didn't like this school, not any more than she had liked any of them. But she had become used to it. She always stood alone in the same place at recess and ate by herself in the same chair at lunch. And this school had the best library—she'd miss that most of all.

Theo wondered what would happen if she went to Ms. Sunter and told her Rae's plan. Maybe she could do something. But maybe Ms. Sunter would arrange to take Theo away from Rae and put her in a foster home. That would be just as scary as going to live with Sharon.

There was no solution. All week Theo was too miserable to daydream. She sat at her desk and looked
around the classroom with a pounding head. She'd
miss
all this—the gerbils scuffling at the back of the room, the smell of chalk and boys' sweaty socks, the frieze of everyone's handprints above the blackboard. She would even miss Mr. Barker's bounciness and Angela's shy smiles. At least school was
something
—ahead of her was nothing.

Theo curled herself into a tight ball on the couch and refused to speak to Rae for the rest of their last evening together. That night in bed she clutched Sabrina and sobbed into her pillow so Rae wouldn't hear.

C
AL HAD TAKEN
the day off to drive them to the ferry on Sunday. He was supposed to come at 11:30, but he still wasn't there at one o'clock.

There was nothing to do but wait. Rae had washed all of Theo's clothes and made Theo have a shower. She combed out her wet hair, complaining at the tangles. All Theo's things were packed in the bulging duffel bag sitting at the door. Rae paced and smoked, while Theo sat motionless, wishing with all her might that Cal wouldn't come at all.

Just as Rae was about to use Mrs. Mitic's phone and call him, Cal appeared at the door.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Something came up.” He kissed Rae and glanced at Theo. “How're you doing, kid?”

Theo turned away from his beery breath. She hated everything about him. She hated the way he pushed back his perfect hair in the mirror before they left and
the way his boots pounded on the stairs as he carried down Theo's bag.

You are a
beetle,
she decided, watching his long legs in their tight black jeans scuttle down ahead of her. A black beetle I could squash with my shoe.

Most of all she hated the way Rae acted around him. She didn't even complain that he was over two hours late. She sat beside him on the front seat and kept her hand on the back of his neck all the way to the ferry, tickling and caressing it. Sometimes Cal leaned over and kissed her hair, and sometimes they sang together to the words of the loud music on the radio.

They were disgusting. Theo tried to pretend they weren't there. She stared out the window as they made their way out of Vancouver and through a long scary tunnel that roared with car engines. The traffic increased until all the cars seemed to be having a race to the ferry. They sped past flat fields dotted with barns, horses and cows. Suddenly the sea appeared, dim mountains in the distance, and they followed the line of cars across a long spit that led over the water like a bridge to the ferry terminal.

Cal dropped them off at the foot-passenger entrance. He gave Rae a long lingering kiss. Then he held out his hand to Theo. “Goodbye, kid. Have fun.”

Theo yanked her hand out of his grasp and wiped it on her jeans. Cal shrugged and told Rae that he'd see her tomorrow.

T
HEY WERE JUST IN TIME
for the three-o'clock ferry. Theo and Rae had to run along a glass-covered ramp, holding the handles of the duffel bag between them. They stepped onto the huge boat, found two seats in the front of a lounge, and collapsed, catching their breaths.

Theo looked around with wide eyes. She must have been on a ferry before, when Rae had come to get her from Victoria when she was three—but she couldn't remember it.

There were only three seats in their row. A teenager beside Rae was tapping his foot to a tune from the earphones he had on. Across the aisle people were opening up newspapers and books and cans of pop. The large room was surrounded by windows. Theo was beside one; she could see people walking around on the deck outside.

The enormous boat was vibrating. Then a two-toned beep on a loudspeaker made Theo jump, as a strident female voice began announcing the sailing time to Victoria and the services on board. There was a whistle, a pause, deeper vibrating, and then the ship began to move. It backed out of its berth while the announcer talked about lifeboats, then gradually turned around.

Rae was in a foul mood. “I don't see why the whole ferry is non-smoking now,” she grumbled. “It didn't use to be.” She tapped the arm of her chair. “I'd like to get back early tomorrow,” she said. “I hope Sharon doesn't expect me to stay just because I got the day off.”

Sharon … Theo was trying hard not to think of her, but now that she'd lost the fight she couldn't help asking, “What's she like?”

“My sister? She's okay, I suppose. She was always a goody-goody.
She
never got into trouble. The nuns adored her.”

“Nuns?”

“The nuns at the school we went to.”

“Are you Catholic?” asked Theo with surprise.

Rae chuckled. “Well, I
was,
so I guess I still am. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, my father used to say. You won't catch me inside a church, though. But I bet Sharon still goes. She'll probably take you, too.”

Theo pondered this. She'd never been inside a church before. “Why haven't I ever met Sharon?” she asked.

“Theo, you have! I keep telling you! You lived with her and Ma until you were three!”

Theo flushed. Rae was speaking so loud that people were staring at them.

A woman standing by the window in front of them stared especially hard. She was tall and angular, with messy hair and a baggy tweed coat. She kept on staring even after she noticed Theo looking back at her.

Theo turned her head away from the nosy woman. “I know I lived with Sharon,” she said quickly, to make Rae lower her voice. “I meant, why haven't I seen her
since
then?”

Rae looked guilty. “Oh, I don't know. I guess because I never told her where we lived. I thought she'd try to interfere.”

“She probably wanted to see
me,
though,” said Theo boldly.

“I'm sure she did. She had a fit when I took you away. Well, now she will see you. If you feel that strongly about Sharon, why don't you want to live with her?”

Theo's eyes stung with tears. She leaned down to unzip the duffel bag. She'd managed to bring home a library book without signing it out. It was stealing, she supposed, but she didn't care.

Rae watched her for a few seconds. “I'm sorry, Kitten,” she sighed. “That was unfair. I know you don't want to go. Listen, I can't help this. It won't be forever—”

Now Theo had to raise her voice. “I don't want to talk about it!” The woman at the window was still watching and listening. Theo lowered her face and hid behind her book.

“Theo, please try to understand!” Her mother sounded close to tears, but Theo kept her head down. “I just can't
cope
! I've tried my best, but I'm so tired of trying alone! I'm only twenty-five—why shouldn't I have a chance to be happy? Someone I really love loves me back. And he has enough money to take care of both of us. I can't risk losing him! If I play my cards right, I won't. Once he gets used to me, I
promise
I'll come for you. But for now you have to live with Sharon. It won't be that bad. Sharon's a lot nicer than I am—she always has been. I bet you'll like her. Theo? Kitten? Are you listening to me?”

The words on the page were blurry, but Theo kept her head lowered and her eyes fixed on the book.

Rae waited a few seconds. “Theo,
look
at me!” Now her voice was angry. Theo could feel the heat of her
mother's temper like a flaring flame beside her. She quaked inside, but surely Rae wouldn't slap her in public. She kept her head still.

“All right, then.” Rae's voice was a furious mutter. “You can
stay
with Sharon, for all I care. You never listen to what I say. Well, now you won't have to listen to me at all!”

She stood up. “I'm going out to the deck to have a smoke. Don't you dare move from that seat.” She pushed past the teenager into the aisle. Theo lifted her eyes only and watched her leave the lounge.

When she was sure Rae was gone, she closed the book and leaned back against the seat, trembling and trying not to cry. She looked out the side window and saw Rae's back, leaning over the railing of the deck with a cigarette between her fingers. She took short, angry puffs of it, threw it overboard, and stomped out of sight along the deck.

Theo kept staring out the window. If only her mother would never come back! If only Theo were sitting here in the midst of her brothers and sisters. Two boys and two girls …

She closed her eyes.
What would their names be? Maybe John for the oldest, like the John in the Ransome books. The other boy could be Timothy, and the girls would be called Rosalind and Rosemary … or maybe Suzanne and Samara … The girls would look like their mother and the boys like their father …

Never had Theo yearned for a real family so much. As long as she kept her eyes closed she could
see
them—four
children and two parents talking and laughing around her. With Theo securely in the middle.

But of course when she opened her eyes Theo was still alone. The lounge full of people was a bright blur through her tears. The boy beside her was opening a bag of chips.

And that nosy woman was still staring at her! Her glittering eyes pierced right through Theo. They seemed full of compassion and curiosity—and excitement, as if she knew Theo from somewhere.

Why was she still standing there? She didn't seem to mind that Theo noticed her rudeness. Theo felt flushed, as if the woman had found out something about her. She wiped her eyes and pretended to read. When she looked up again the woman had gone.

PART 2

The Family

6

T
heo waited in a numb trance for Rae to come back. Being on the ferry was a nothing time, before the next awful thing that would happen. She felt as empty and lost as a husk that someone had thrown away. It was no use wishing that her life was different. It was no use wishing for a family. It didn't matter what happened to her.
She
didn't matter.

She noticed listlessly that the lounge was more crowded. Toddlers reeled up and down the aisles, followed by protective parents. All around her kids leaned over the backs of chairs, asked for food or demanded money for the arcade. A little girl walked by chanting, “Follow the pink, follow the pink,” as she balanced on the strip of pink in the green carpeting. She paused by Theo's chair and swung on one of the skinny poles that dotted the room.

A group of small boys had assembled on the rug between the windows and the front row where Theo sat, kneeling over tiny cars. Other little kids joined them as if magnetized, their older brothers and sisters watching from the sides. It was as if all the kids on the ferry belonged to a tribe—all except Theo.

“John, wait up!”

John? Something quickened in Theo's empty insides as she heard the familiar name.

She turned around swiftly.

Four children were coming up the aisle—two boys and two girls. The oldest boy held a much younger boy by the hand. Behind them was another girl. A smaller girl was running to catch up with them. “John!” she called again to the older boy. “Mummy says don't go outside without jackets.”

“We're not going out yet,” said John. “Ben wants to see what these kids are doing.”

Theo felt a twinge of disappointment that the youngest boy wasn't called Timothy. But that didn't matter. She trembled as the four gathered right in front of her.

Ben and the younger girl dropped to the floor and joined the gang of little kids there. John and the other girl stood by the window, smiling at their brother and sister.

John had light brown hair that hung like a curtain on each side of his face. His ears and hands and feet looked too big for his skinny body.

His sister was the same height—were they twins? Her hair was shorter and darker than John's, cut in a shining cap. She had a wide mouth that glittered with braces.

Theo shifted her gaze to the other two. Ben was engrossed in building something with another child. His hair was the same colour as John's, but it curled around his chubby face, which was sprinkled with freckles. His sister was organizing a clapping game with three other children. She was the prettiest, with a long blonde pony-tail
and huge fringed eyes. She looked delicate beside her sturdy little brother.

“Lisbeth, stop being so bossy,” said the older girl.

“But they aren't playing it right!”

“Let them play it the way they want to.”

Ben looked up. “Anna, I need to blow my nose.”