Awakening (12 page)

My heart was
singing at his words. It was probably one of the nicest and most sincere things anyone had ever said to me in my life. This man was beautiful, honest and real and he deserved everything he was looking for and more. I didn't know if I would ever be able to give him what he wanted, but I wanted to try and he deserved to hear the truth about my feelings for Mark.

"
Luke, I loved you too, from the moment we met. Then, when I thought I didn't have you, I turned to Mark, and he was there for me. I fell in love with him too. I couldn't picture my life without him. To have something like that ripped away from you so suddenly... There are no words to describe it. He was my life, and then he was just gone."

I searched his eyes for understanding.

" The day he died I started having recurring dreams about him. Over the last two years I have literally counted the hours each day until I go to bed, wishing for sleep to come so I can visit with him. I haven't been able to let him go completely. He haunts me, and I don't know if I will ever have my whole heart to give again," I added.

Luke looked at me with sympathy.

"I understand losing someone that special. He was my brother after all. But he's gone, and it's just me here now. I've had dreams too, about you, and as much as I wanted them to be real, they weren't. They're just desires."

A single
tear fell as I tried to explain the unexplainable. There was no way I could give Luke what he deserved when Mark was still taking up all the space in my heart. I laid back down on his chest, willing the morning light to stay away for a little longer since I knew it would bring change.

I awoke again several hours later. The sun was coming up and Luke was stretching beside me. I reached for the t-shirt he had so hastily discarded last night and slipped it over my head quickly. I picked up my clothes, which were dry now, and went into the bathroom to change.

I looked at myself in the mirror.
You are done for.
I had just had the best night of my life. I was sure to be thinking about it often. I never expected the mind blowing encounter I had experienced. I splashed some water on my face before putting my clothes back on, hoping that the flush on my face wouldn't be obvious to him.

When I came out, Luke had put his shorts back on and folded the blankets. "Good morning, beautiful,
I checked around the cabin and I think maybe I found a couple of footprints, but everything was so wet last night, it's really hard to tell," he said.

"
Well, hopefully it was nothing then." I walked over to him, snuggling against his chest. We fit so well against each other that I felt like I belonged there. "Thanks for an amazing day and an even more incredible night."

He exhaled.
"Back to reality?" He asked and I nodded against his chest.

When we pulled up to my grandmother's house we were both alarmed by the scene. There was a huge oak tree laying across the front porch. One of the columns was damaged and a corner of the roof was bashed in.

I jumped out of the truck, racing towards the house. "Mom!? Dad!? Is everyone okay?" I shouted.

Both of my parents rounded the side of the house at the same time, immediately easing my worry.

"We're fine," my father assured me. "The wind brought this old tree down. Nick and Ben were by this morning with the girls and have run back to their place to get a chainsaw."

I nodded, relieved that everyone was alright.

"Mr. Foster, I'm Luke Johnson," he said, walking up behind me to shake my father's hand.

"Please, call me Jack. It's nice to meet you, Allison has told me a lot about you," my dad said
, smiling at Luke.

"All good I hope."

My dad smiled again. "So, what do you think?"

I watched Luke transform into the architect he was, surveying the damage and trying to determine what was salvageable.

"Well," he said after a few minutes of contemplation. "It looks like the support beam is cracked here, so you'll likely have to tear the whole porch out and start from scratch. I can draft something up for you, if you'd like some ideas."

"That would be excellent. The front door was smashed in too. I think it was oak, but it has a huge crack down the center, so I'm sure we're going to need to replace that as well."

"I'll bring you some sketches in the morning," said Luke
, turning back to me. "Well, I better get to it then. Duty calls. See you soon?"

"Bye Luke. Thank you for yesterday," I said, hugging him tightly.

He planted a chaste kiss on my cheek and I managed to keep my emotions in check until he drove away. As soon as he was out of sight I let out a huge breath. The pain in my chest was overwhelming and my tears started flowing as I thought about the things I would never share with Luke. He deserved someone whose heart was free.

"Good Lord
, Caroline," my father said. "What's wrong?"

"Dad, can I borrow your car? I need to get away for a little while," I managed
.

"Of course you can honey. Your mom can drive me in to the office tomorrow."

Thirty minutes later I had packed the essentials and was in the car, heading out of town and away from Luke. I knew he would be angry when he found out I left, but I didn't know what else to do. I needed to put space between us and clear my head.

When I arrived back at my parents house, I turned the car off and sat in the driveway warring with myself over whether I should get out or turn around and drive back. I wanted to be with Luke, to feel his arms around me. It's all I could think about the whole way home. He elicited feelings in me I hadn't felt in so long, some not ever. I ha
d a searing guilt over tarnishing Mark's memory by sleeping with his brother, and I knew Luke deserved more than I could give him.

I rested my head on the steering wheel as the tears came. I felt like I had made a mess of the whole situation. I never should have kissed him at the bar. I certainly shouldn't have kissed him in the cabin, and I damn sure shouldn't have asked him to sleep with me. Although,
God, I had wanted it. And it was wonderful; better than I could have dreamed. I smiled faintly, remembering. The soreness of my inner thighs still a stark reminder of my actions.

I dried the tears off my face and grabbed my bag from the back seat. Once I was in the house I decided I needed to distract myself from thoughts of Mark and Luke. After taking a shower to wash all the sand and salt away, I put on my iPod and started cleaning the house. By the time I was done I was exhausted, but the toilets shined and the floors sparkled. I even made myself a lunch and ironed my clothes for work the next day. I twisted my hair into a bun and rinsed off again, just so I would feel clean when I crawled between my sheets. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I stand on the front porch of the house again, thinking about how familiar it feels. I try to look around and get my bearings
. I'm drawn through the front door, my heart pounding in my chest.

The back door opens and I am out on the deck. There he is, his broad shoulders and thick dark hair. His muscles rolling under his tan skin.

I am standing behind him raising my hand to touch his shoulder. The sun breaks through the trees, blinding me. The wall of his chest is so close, his chiseled jaw and his heart stopping smile. His hand cups the back of my neck and the other wraps around my waist, drawing me in. I can feel his warm breath on my lips and I anxiously await his kiss.

I woke in a cold sweat. Tears threatening again. I grabbed my ring finger with my right hand to yank off Mark's ring, and realized I didn't even bring it home with me. I suppose I was so anxious to get away from Luke that I forgot to put it in my bag. That was three nights in a row that I had slept without it. The first two nights I didn't dream of him, but this time he was there again. I hugged my pillow and tried to will myself back to sleep just as the alarm went off. I picked up my phone to silence it and saw that I had six missed calls. One from my parents, three from Luke, one from Anne Marie and one from Eva. I would have to call all of them later, except Luke.

After showering and dressing in my black pencil skirt and a silk button up blouse, I slid into my black pumps, grabbed my purse and keys off the kitchen counter, and headed out the door.

After connecting my Bluetooth I decided to call Carson, if anyone could understand my feelings it would be him. While the phone was ringing,
I carefully backed my car out of the garage and around my dad's before I realized I hadn't eaten anything. I decided to hit the local coffee shop on the way into the office.

"Hey! What's going on?" Carson answered.

"Hey yourself! When are you coming home?"

"I'm leaving Sunday morning so I should be there by
midafternoon. The guys are having a get together Sunday evening though, so I'll probably be out for a while."

"Did you find an apartment yet?" I asked.

"Nah, I have a couple leads, I'll probably make some calls from the office on Monday if Dad gives me any room to breathe," he laughed.

"You excited about working for the old man?"

"Well, I think we see eye to eye on the business. Hopefully it'll go smoothly. I know he hopes to pass the reins to one of us when he retires."

"Keep it in the family, right?"

"Exactly... So, what's going on with you these days? It's been a couple weeks since I heard from you last. Started your new position yet?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's my first day today, so I'll let you know how it goes."

"You'll slay 'em, I'm sure."

"I hope so..." I said. "So, before I get into my drama, what's going on with you? Any new women in your life?"

"No," Carson said with a sigh.

"Seriously? You really should take some of your own advice and get out there. It's been like a year and a half since your mystery woman took off. You really should move on."

Carson had always been a party boy until last year. He'd picked up some girl at a bar, which was normal for him, but the next day she was gone, and he was devastated for some reason.

"I didn't do all this
for her, I did it for me. She just happens to be the motivation. I don't want to be that guy anymore, meaningless sex, too much alcohol... I needed to grow up and get my shit together and now that I've accomplished it, I'm not going back... But enough about me... What's did you want to talk about?"

"I need your advice. I've met someone, but it's complicated."

"Okay, spill it."

I told Carson about
how I had run into Luke again after all these years. I explained to him how there had always been a spark between us and about our time at the cabin, in limited detail. I talked about my dreams of Mark and how I couldn't seem to stop having them. There was only silence on the other end of the line.

"Hello? Are you still there?" I asked.

"Uh yeah, Caroline. Damn, that's one predicament isn't it? Do you like him?" He inquired.

"Of course I like him. I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't like him," I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Well, then I think you should go for it. Just give yourselves a chance to get to know one another again. You may find out that you really really like him. But, either way, the decision is up to you. Follow your gut, it's not usually wrong."

"I know. I'm just torn between my feelings for Mark and my feelings for Luke, not to mention that they are brothers," I sighed.

"Caroline, I thought we talked about this before," Carson started. "Mark is gone. You need to get out and live your life, not only because Mark would have wanted that for you, but because he died. You should be living every day for Mark, because he can't. Go find happiness and experience all the world has to offer. You can't hide out at Mom and Dad's for the rest of your life. You're young and you still have your whole life ahead of you."

I sighed, Carson made it sound so easy.

"And Caroline?"

"Yeah," I asked.

"Lighten up. Try to enjoy yourself. Laugh a little, have fun. You've never been one to care what anyone else thinks, so if Luke being Mark's brother doesn't bother you, to hell with everyone else."

My brother was wise beyond his years. I thanked him for listening and we said our goodbyes. As I was contemplating what I was going to do about Luke
, I pulled into the parking lot at
Crave
.

It
was my favorite bakery. They had amazing coffee and freshly baked scones, muffins, and bagels. As I pulled into a spot out front I noticed the burnt orange BMW M6 two spots over.

Great.
The universe just keeps throwing punches!

The car belonged to Darren Jenkins, one of my least favorite customers. The kind of guy who tried to outdo everyone with all the showy shit he could afford, including his car. He was arrogant, sleazy and couldn't keep his hands to himself. I was ready to go without breakfast when I heard a tap on my passenger window.

I looked over to see Darren wiggling his fingers at me, so I bit the bullet and climbed out of the car.

"Hi Darren, what a surprise!"

"Looking good as always, Caroline," he said, winking at me as he walked around to the driver's side of the car in his overly expensive, personally tailored suit.

I moved to keep the open car door between us.

"I haven't seen you in a while. Sure I can't sweet talk you into that dinner date I've been offering for a while now?" He asked.

"Gee, my schedule is all full," I said sarcastically.

"I see how it is. You're afraid you might fall in love with me. I am quite debonair."

I forced a smile at his arrogance.

"You got me, Darren. That's definitely it."

"Well," he said
, running a hand over his greased back hair. "At least tell me you'll be at the customer appreciation event, huh? Maybe we can share a drink, take a spin on the dance floor? I'd be willing to let you take advantage of me, if you asked nicely."

Shit.
I had totally forgotten about the party. Once a year the company hosted a party for all of their customers as a way to thank them for their business. It was scheduled on a Tuesday night in a couple weeks at the Westin Resort downtown.

"I'll be there," I said, shutting my car door and trying to skirt around him, making my way towards the door of
Crave
.

"Good. I'm looking forward to it," he said
, stepping towards me, trying to swat at my rear end. I danced out of the way just in time.

"See you then, Darren," I said as I slipped safely inside the coffee shop.

Gross.
And now I was going to be stuck in a ballroom with him for several hours, trying to evade his groping hands.

Lovely.
What else have you got for me universe?

~~~~

Once I was finally seated in my office, I flipped on my computer and pressed the voice mail button on my phone. Seven new messages. Well, I had been out of the office for three days.

As I wrote down the messages and checked my e-mails my mind drifted to Luke. It was 8:30 now and likely that he had gotten to my grandmother's house already and was probably boiling mad that I had left without saying anything. Maybe I would call Anne Marie to check in. I lifted the handset of my office phone to dial her number. She answered on the first ring.

"Caroline! Oh my gosh, how are you? Your mom said that you were upset about something and had to leave abruptly, is everything okay?"

I rubbed my temples with my other hand while I thought of the right thing to say.

"I'm doing alright. I just needed to get some space," I told her.

"From Luke?"

I could hear a male voice in the background and Anne Marie was shushing him while waiting for my answer.

"Where are you Anne Marie?"

"Um, I'm at Ben's. We were just getting ready to head over to the house when you called."

"Oh? Is Ben h
elping out over there?" I asked, smiling to myself at her giddy response.

"Yes! He'
s a builder. Luke was supposed to be stopping by with some ideas to redo the porch this morning and Ben was going to start working on whatever your parents chose. Nick and Luke want to get things taken care of as soon as possible because they know your parents want to get the house on the market," she explained. "But, you didn't answer my question."

"What was that?" I feigned ignorance.

"I know you heard me Caroline. What do you need space from? Luke?" She asked me again.

"Honestly I don't know. Things were really intense between us and I couldn't think straight. I still have so many feelings for Mark that I haven't let go of yet. Luke said he was falling for me, and I d
on't want to be the one to break his heart... I can't stop thinking about him though, and I feel damn guilty about everything that happened between us."

I sighed again as I replayed that night in my head. I was getting warm just thinking about it.

"Did you tell him about your feelings for Mark?"

"Yes. I didn't want to keep that from him, it didn't seem right."

"And he still wanted to be with you?"

"I think so. I mean, he didn't say anything or act any differently."

"Don't you think it's up to him to make that decision then? He is a grown man, fully capable of protecting his own interests. If your feelings for Mark were a big deal to him, do you think he would continue to pursue you? And if he did, isn't that his choice to make?"

I hadn't thought of it that way. I was too busy trying to sort out what I thought and felt.

"Maybe so Anne Marie, but it's too late now. I'm sure he's angry that I left. Hopefully he'll get over it soon enough and won't hate me for the rest of his life."

"And what do you feel guilty for?"

"I...."

"You had sex with him!?"

"Yes," I said, exasperated.

"Oh my gosh! Good for you! Wait, why do you feel guilty?"

"Because! I practically begged him to sleep with me. And then he did, and it was incredible. So now, instead of helping myself move on, and getting over Mark, I am thinking about Luke constantly, and the guilt over what Mark would think is eating me alive."

"Caroline, you can't think that way. Mark isn't here, so you shouldn't worry about what he would think. And what's done is done, you can't take back anything that happened, so you sho
uld just relish the time you have with Luke. However, if I might add what Eva would say... Luke is a mighty fine specimen of a man, and you could do worse than falling in love with him."

"Anne Marie, you're the one who brought up that is was weird that he's Mark's brother. Don't you think people would think it's strange if I was in a relationship with Luke?
And Eva would not say anything about falling in love with him, she would be more interested in the bedroom!"

She let out an aggravated sigh.

"Since when do you care what anyone else thinks? I'm just saying, you shouldn't be afraid to go after what you want."

"Thanks Marie. I'll think about it."

"Well, listen, Ben is honking the horn for me. I gotta run."

"Thanks again. Oh, and will you please tell Eva you talked to me?
And tell Luke to give me just a little space. I'll talk to him soon."

"Sure thing," she said before hanging up.

After my conversation with Anne Marie I was even more confused about what was going on. Was it fair to make decisions for Luke? Should I have stayed and talked it out with him? Did he really not mind if I still had feelings for his brother? Should I just go back to him and see where it goes?