Azure (Drowning In You) (33 page)

She couldn’t feel it. The word held no meaning. Nobody was waiting for her there. Her parents would be glad to see her, but their lives kept them away often and she was moving to a new college where she knew nobody.

Kirsten promised they’d come soon, within the month. Markus hugged her tightly, lifting her off her feet, telling her to take good care of herself.

None of it mattered. Later that day she climbed into a bigger plane and watched the land fall away below. She was leaving
Europe
, and Kai.

She held a hand to her chest, where the pain lingered, and wondered if anyone had found a cure for a broken heart. It felt like a mortal wound, a hole from which her life was pouring out, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

***

Her return felt odd. Her hometown was like a place she’d never inhabited. She’d gotten used to
Germany
with its cloudy skies, the brutally honest and fiercely loyal people, the distance it had placed between the present and the past. Now the pain rushed back in, the guilt and sorrow, made worse by losing Kai.

Or letting him go. That was what she’d asked of the sea.

But he obviously thought she’d lied to him. That even though she hadn’t gone back with Justin, she was still involved with him. Panos and Rita wouldn’t be inclined to play advocate for her.

God knew what Justin might tell Kai. She doubted he’d admit he’d been turned down a second time. She could just imagine Justin telling Kai they were getting married any day now.

Crap.

Her parents took her out to dinner and asked to know all about
Germany
and
Crete
. The words came haltingly, and she found herself avoiding any mention of Kai, the mermaids and magic. She didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to be told magic didn’t exist, and that Kai was a passing fancy. Didn’t want to hear it sounded mad and that she was now home.

Home
.

She wasn’t. Not really. Not without him.

He’d spoken of a painting, hadn’t he? At the
Museum
of
Modern
Art in
New York
. Said it reminded him of her — a girl trying to find her way back.

God, she missed him.

She met a couple of friends before she left for college. Went to the movies and then out for drinks. She went through the motions. It was as if she were inhabiting someone else’s body, someone else’s head.

Her mind was still in
Crete
.

To stop thinking, she threw herself into the move, trying to figure out what to take with her, and wondering what her new room mate would be like.

She should have been worried about moving to a strange place and about making friends. It should have been exciting, too. An opportunity to explore new things and find her place in the world.

Germany
had been like that.

But her mind wasn’t in it. Her heart wasn’t in it. The pain of separation had dulled but not faded. She wondered if it ever would.

Hot on the heels of that thought came doubt. Was she making a mistake, leaving her old life again? If Kai had come with her to
New York
, things might have been different. Now, she was running toward emptiness. Running
away
— again.

And Kai, was he okay? Had the strange sickness really left him? Was he careful when he swam into the blue?

Not your concern anymore
, she told herself.
He’s not a project for you to work on.

But she’d broken him. Had she fixed him afterward?

Kirsten had said everyone had to find their own way.

But sometimes you needed help. Olivia wasn’t sure she’d have made it without Kirsten’s help.

God
.

Packing her stuff only reminded her of
Crete
, of choosing what to wear to look sexy for Kai, and of the last fateful day when she’d left without even being given the chance to say goodbye.

Her hands trembled. She sank to her knees, staring at the box in which she’d been packing her papers. It wasn’t fair, finding Kai and losing him so soon.

He’s not dead
, she reminded herself.
Stop acting as if he is. He’s only lost to you.

It didn’t make her feel any better.

Her parents offered to drive her to her new campus, across the state, but she managed to find another student transferring there and hitched a ride. Helen was her name, and she seemed nice.

Olivia tried her best to be friendly and attentive, even when her mind drifted to the past. She had to learn how to pretend to be happy and alive when she’d left a piece of her behind.

Just do it, Liv. Just let go. Kai is gone as surely as
Andria
is. He may be finally free to make his own choices.

Let them both go.

Olivia wondered how many times she had to start anew.

The campus of the new college was more cramped and dirty than her old one. Her room was tiny, the bed narrow as a prison cell bunk, and her new roommate, name of Sonia, was so cheery and bouncy it made her feel even more depressed.

She forced herself to eat breakfast and lunch, but in the evenings she missed Kai so much she couldn’t swallow a bite. She met with counselors and professors, arranged her class schedule, picked subjects and even sports. The card of the hotel where she’d stayed in
Crete
stared at her every day from her wallet and she thought of throwing it away, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Dark eyes, silky hair, a half-smile... She didn’t even have a photo of Kai. Better that way. He’d fade from her memory.

At least she told herself that, sitting at the window of her room, gazing at the students crossing below in the late afternoon light. They looked carefree and just as bouncy as her roommate. The sunrays rippled through the foliage of the trees, creating golden waves on the ground, as if slanting through water.

Kai...

Olivia opened her wallet, and took out the hotel card. Maybe Kai didn’t want to talk to her. But she could at least set her mind at ease knowing he was okay.

She had to call. She’d lasted out more than a week.
Too long.

In
New York
it was seven PM. In
Greece
it was two in the morning. Now her decision to call had been made, she didn’t want to wait, but had no choice.

She paced circles in the tiny room, glad her roommate wasn’t there for the weekend. At midnight she’d call, when it would be early morning on
Crete
. God, if time passed slowly before, it had come to a complete standstill now.

The hours lumbered by, heavy and slow.

At midnight, she picked up her phone and punched in the number of the hotel. And waited as the phone rang and rang. Her heart banged. Her breath caught.

Please.

Nothing.

She called again and again until she got through, and then the connection was so bad she wasn’t sure it wasn’t just a crossed line.

Come on.

Hitting her head on the wall probably wouldn’t help. Kicking the bed frame would at least spare her the headache.

One last try.

A bass male voice answered in Greek and she gripped the phone so hard she heard the plastic casing creak. “Panos? It’s Olivia. Is Kai there? Is he okay?”

The man rattled off a reply but it sounded like gibberish. She tried again, asking if Kai was okay, if he’d gotten her number, why he hadn’t called.

Useless. If that was Panos, she couldn’t understand a single word spoken in that growling voice. Or maybe it was simply a bad connection.

She stared at the wall, biting her lip. “Panos, where is Kai?”

A pause, then Panos spoke in halting English. “Kai gone.”

Olivia froze, her breath locked in her lungs.

No, she must have misunderstood. Panos’s English wasn’t very good. “Gone?”

“He gone,” Panos repeated.

“What do you mean?” God, she couldn’t breathe. “Is he okay?”

“Gone,” Panos grumbled, his voice distorted by the crappy connection. “Away.”

And the line went flat.

***

Gone.

What the hell did that mean? It almost sounded like Kai had died, and panic threatened to send her crashing to the floor. After trying the number a couple more times, she finally gave up. She placed the phone on the bedside table carefully, not trusting her shaky hand.

She’d failed Kai, like she’d failed
Andria
. What the hell had happened? Had he drowned? An accident on the road, perhaps?

Oh god, please, please...

She fell onto the mattress, her eyes hot with unshed tears.
You’re in too deep
, Markus had said.

Yeah.

She should have canceled her flight on that last day, found Kai and explained everything to him.

He couldn’t be dead. If he was, Panos would have said so, right?
Gone away
, Panos had said. It wasn’t the same thing.

Olivia took breath after shaky breath. She had to find Kai. Forgetting him wasn’t an option. She might as well forget her own name. She had to go back to
Crete
.