Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (11 page)

“Yes, everything is fine,”
Helen lied, looking out the window for guidance. She saw her father
backing the tractor out of the barn, ready to cut hay down in the
bottom field. “I’m just taking the opportunity to have a summer
holiday with my folks, help out on the farm, you know.”

Derek rather felt he didn’t
know, having never been on a farm except in a commercial capacity
to take photographs, but he said nothing. Instead he asked for
details of where to fax the paperwork. Helen was glad her parents
were the sort to embrace technology, despite their rural lifestyle,
and was able to head across the hall to the office to read the fax
number off to Derek.

Hanging up the phone, after
promising to call Derek as soon as she was back in the city, Helen
became aware of her hands trembling. She slumped back in the office
chair not certain whether to whoop or weep.

Her mother found her there a
few moments later and rushed over, a look of alarm on her face.

“What is it? Is it the baby?
Was that Daniel?”

Helen sat forward, a little
smile twitching at her lips as the conversation with Derek began to
sink in.

“Everything is fine, Mum, more
than fine. I won!”

“Won what?”

“The photography competition.
That was Derek. They loved my photo and it’s going to be on the
magazine for the next issue. It’ll be out next week. Next week! Oh
my god, I’ve got to call Sharni and Ben.”

She realised guiltily that she
hadn’t spoken to her friends since coming to Devon and had only
sent short replies to their texts, saying something had come up and
she’d gone to visit her folks for a few weeks. What was she going
to tell them now? The truth? All of it?

Maggie congratulated her
daughter and quietly left the room.

As she pottered around the
garden, vigorously pulling up weeds, Maggie fought against heavy
thoughts. She tugged at some tangle-weed, cursing silently when it
wouldn’t come free.

So now there’s one more reason
for her to return to London and have the baby there. It’s what she
wants and I have to support that.

She yanked at a dandelion,
wincing as it cut into her hand.

I have always vowed, wherever
possible, to let her and Simon fulfil their dreams. I can’t stop
now just because I want my grandchild to be close by.

Her hand hovered over a
stinging nettle and hesitated. Seeming to realise the futility of
her frustration, Maggie laughed self-consciously. She dropped the
weeds into a wheelbarrow and headed for the kitchen, determined to
make up for her uncharitable thoughts by preparing a celebratory
dinner to mark the occasion of Helen’s success.

Helen sat in the office chair
cradling her phone. She had to call Sharni and Ben but didn’t know
what to say, or how much to tell them. While she was still
deliberating Sharni beat her to it.

Helen looked at the flashing
screen of her phone for several long seconds before pressing the
green button and holding it to her ear.

“You won, you bugger.
Congratulations.”

Helen hadn’t even managed a
greeting before Sharni spoke. She grinned; her friend sounded
genuinely pleased for her.

“Thank you, Sharni. I’m sorry
we couldn’t all win.”

“Oh, tosh. Your image was
grand, you deserved it.” They’d shared their images with each other
on their Flickr site after submission and had been mutually
appreciative of each other’s work.

“We’re all meeting for a beer
to toast your success. We’ll be at the
Dog and Duck
at 7pm.
Haven’t seen you for a while.”

“Sorry, I’m still in Devon. Can
you celebrate without me? I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”

“So you said in your text.”
Sharni’s voice was edged with an unfamiliar reserve. Helen knew
then that she had to tell the truth or lose her friend for
good.

“I’ve left Daniel.”

“I did wonder. About bloody
time too. What did ’ee do? And who did ’ee do it with?”

“Why does everyone assume he
cheated on me?” Helen inhaled, controlling her mounting
irritation.

“Keep yer ’air on! If he didn’t
cheat why did you decide to leave ’im now? Was it the wedding; now
or never and all that?”

“Not exactly.” She
hesitated.

“If you don’t want to tell me,
that’s alreet.”

It clearly wasn’t, by the
strength of her accent.

“I’ll tell you, but it’s
personal.”

“I’m nor about to be blabbing
it about, am I?”

“No, I know. I’m sorry. I’ll
tell Ben anyway so you can discuss it with him if you want. Later.
When I’ve told him.”

“You’re na making sense
lass.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Oh.” There was silence as
Sharni thought it through. “Congratulations?”

“Well,
I’m
happy. Daniel
wasn’t.”

“Oh.”

Helen smiled at the
uncharacteristically terse replies coming from her normally
garrulous friend.

“He basically told me to have
an abortion.”

“He never! The twat. So you
told him to sling ’is ’ook?”

“Well, actually, he told me.
Said I was to do what I was told or I should leave.”

There was complete silence from
Sharni before she began swearing profusely. When she had exhausted
her extensive repertoire of things to call Daniel she seemed to
realise that her response was perhaps not what Helen needed.

“Are you okay, Hells? Anything
I can do?”

“I’m alright. Mum’s looking
after me while I decide what happens next. The lease is up on my
flat in a month so I may turf-out my tenants and head back to
London. I probably need to come back anyway at some point, to see
Derek.”

“Why don’t you come and stay
with me for a while?”

Helen thought about Sharni’s
family home, which she shared with her parents, four siblings, a
grandmother and an unmarried aunt. Normally she loved the chaos,
such a contrast to her own upbringing, but at the moment she needed
space to think.

“Thanks, but I’m not sure your
family would approve of housing an unmarried mother.”

“Well I won’t tell them, you
daft thing!”

“They might wonder why I spend
every morning vomiting.”

“Oh, like that is it? Poor you.
No, I can see that might give the game away. Still, you can’t hide
out in Devon the whole summer you’ll go mad.”

“It’s actually lovely. Mum’s
being a treasure and it’s nice to have someone look after me for a
change.”

There was silence and Helen
could imagine Sharni holding back on all the things she wanted to
say about Daniel.

“You could always stay with
Dawn,” Sharni said eventually. “She has space now the kids have
left. And she’d love to mother you a bit.”

Helen was about to dismiss the
suggestion but paused to consider. Could she live with Dawn? It was
academic, she certainly wasn’t about to invite herself to stay.

Sharni was always one step
ahead. “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her.” Then, as Helen drew breath,
“And I won’t tell her n’owt. Only that you’ve come to your senses
and left Daniel and need a place to crash ’til your pad is free.
Her spare room has en-suite so she needn’t see you chucking
up.”

Helen wondered idly how Sharni
knew anything about Dawn’s spare room. It occurred to her that, for
all their closeness, she didn’t know much about her photography
group at all. Well, she couldn’t afford to be without friends now
however long she’d known them.

“If you can get it into the
conversation then that might answer. Mum’s happy to have me but she
has her own life to get on with and I can’t hide forever.”

“How long til you’re
showing?”

“Oh, months probably. Daniel’s
obsession with my figure has paid off for something – I’m so skinny
at the moment any weight I put on can be attributed to being
dumped.”

“I think you should be clear
that
you
left
him
, Helen.” Sharni sounded severe and
strangely prim. Helen was impressed – she rarely heard Sharni being
anything other than laddish.

“I suppose I did, really,”
Helen replayed the awful night in her mind. He had told her to
leave but she suspected he hadn’t really expected her to do it. She
was so in love with him that generally she did do as she was told.
At the time she had felt it was from a desire to make him happy. It
was starting to occur to her that maybe she had just been a
doormat. The thought arrived only to be pushed to one side – she
was suffering enough without feeling she’d been an idiot into the
bargain.

“Are you still there
Hells?”

“Yes, sorry, just thinking what
a sucker I’ve been.”

“Well, yes.”

Helen laughed. God bless
Sharni’s honesty.

“Sorry, lass, I don’t mean to
offend you but you let the tosser treat you like shit.”

“He was good to me, we were
good together.”

“Don’t defend him, he walked
all over you and you let him.”

“I was in love.”

“In lust more like.”

“Aren’t they the same
thing?”

“Nah, not at all.”

Helen wondered how Sharni
suddenly sounded so much older than her years. She had always felt
like Helen’s kid sister but it seemed, right at that point, she was
the one with the answers.

Helen released a gusty sigh.
“Maybe you’re right. Well, I’m getting my just desserts. There
isn’t going to be much lust in my future, is there? Just nappies
and sleepless nights and drudgery forever.”

“There are other men in the
world you know.”

“Oh yes, and they’re all
queuing up to date a single mother.”

“The right man won’t care. The
right man will love you
and
your baby.”

“You sound awfully certain of
that, Sharni. I wish I had your confidence. Anyway,” Helen saw a
chance to change the subject, “how’s your love life?”

“Oh, you know.”

“Not really,” Helen replied,
laughing. “Your love life is one of the country’s State
Secrets”.

“Ah, well, it’s complicated. My
folks, you know.”

Sharni’s parents wanted their
daughter to have a traditional marriage and had offered several
cousins for her approval. So far none of them had made any sort of
impression. Helen had a feeling Sharni only had eyes for one person
and, if her hunch was correct, she felt Sharni’s parents most
definitely wouldn’t approve.

“So, you do have your eye on
someone?”

“Both eyes, like a hawk. But
they’re not really noticing me back.”

Helen stopped idly pushing the
office chair round in circles and sat forward. This level of
sharing was new.

“Oh?”

“Promise you won’t tell?”

“Of course I won’t. You have my
secret, I will keep yours.”

“It’s Derek.”

“Derek? You’re seeing Derek?
Since when?” Helen tried to feign surprise. She thought Sharni
wouldn’t be too happy to find out it was common knowledge that she
fancied Derek. She wondered, not for the first time, what Sharni
saw in him.

He must be forty-five at least
and what do they find to talk about? Or maybe it isn’t about
talking. Look at me and Daniel, Sharni was right our relationship
was built on lust. I’m hardly one to pass judgement.

She didn’t reveal her thoughts
merely sat silent, waiting for Sharni to share.

“I’m not seeing him, but I’d
love to give him a good seeing to.”

“Sharni! Really? He’s, um…”

“…old enough to be my dad?”
Sharni giggled. “That’s what you’re thinking?”

“Well, older than you,
certainly.” Helen tried to be diplomatic.

“Young at heart though, don’t
you think?”

Helen thought about Derek.
Crotchety, perfectionist, friend-to-the-stars Derek. She couldn’t
imagine fancying him. She couldn’t imagine him giving Sharni any
encouragement either; she wasn’t nearly glamorous enough for him,
never mind being half his age. Of course, his wife had been much
younger, but then they had got divorced.
Any which way you look
at it, it isn’t going to end well. Still, it isn’t for me to say,
even if Sharni would listen to me any more than I listened to her
about Daniel.

“So, what’s your plan? How are
you going to make him notice you?” As if he hadn’t already noticed
her puppy-dog expression whenever he was around. Actually, maybe he
hadn’t: men weren’t always that astute.

“Well, I’d hoped to win the
competition but you beat me on that one.”

“I’m sorry you should have told
me, I’d have submitted something crap and blurry.”

“Don’t be daft, lass. It’d be
criminal to keep that photo of Rosa to yourself. I’ll think of
something, nay worry.”

Helen was more worried that
Sharni would get her heart broken. She thought it best to change
the subject again.

“I’ll ring Ben and tell him,
you know, about the baby. Please don’t tell the others though, not
yet. I’m only six weeks or so, anything might happen yet. I don’t
want anyone to know until I’ve had my scan.”

“Gosh, scary stuff.”

Helen heard the hesitation in
Sharni’s voice. She wondered what her friend was thinking. Babies
weren’t exactly on Sharni’s agenda either.

Eventually Sharni seemed to
gather her thoughts. “Okay m’darling, I’d better go. I hope to see
you soon. Keep smiling.”

“You too, Sharni. Give my love
to everybody tonight.”

When she had disconnected the
call, Helen sat back in the chair and thought how complicated her
life seemed to have become recently.

Well, at least I’m not bored
anymore
, she thought ruefully. Staring at her phone, Helen
tried to run through what she might say to Ben. In the few months
they had known each other a friendship had formed, much as it had
with Sharni. However, whereas she had felt comfortable telling
Sharni she had left Daniel, with Ben it was more awkward. She found
herself aware of the fact that he was male for the first time since
she had met him. Until now he was just Ben, but with Daniel gone
she realised she had to be more aware of how she came across. She
didn’t want to give him the wrong idea – it wasn’t unknown to her
that his eyes lingered when she was around. She owed it to him to
tell him, though, both about Daniel and about the baby. She just
hoped he didn’t make some grand gesture that would embarrass them
both.