Back to Me (23 page)

“Wait a minute,” she pleaded before he could step away. “What made you come looking for me today?”

He knew this woman too well. She wanted an answer he could no longer give. “The DWAP ladies barged into my office today. They were worried about you because you missed their session last night and you weren't at the office this morning.” He sat back down and pulled out his cell phone. “That reminds me. I promised Jasmine you'd call her.” He dialed the number and placed the phone against her ear. “Be nice. They're really concerned about you.”

He waited patiently while Paige assured Jasmine she was fine but would be confined to the house for a while. Her voice was upbeat, but he noticed the water in the corners of her eyes and looked away.

“Thanks.” She pulled her head away from the phone, and he ended the call. He clipped the phone to his belt and went to stand, but she grabbed his hand. “I need to tell you about what happened at Seniyah's house.”

Sergio-Xavier needed to put some distance between them, but her trembling lower lip indicated Paige needed to talk. “Were you with her when she lost the baby?” he asked and at the same time reached for her hand.

“I didn't know about that until you told me.” Her hand rested on his as she then related the events at Seniyah's house.

Although he remained composed, Sergio-Xavier's heart broke for her. Despite her many faults, Paige had a good heart and didn't deserve that type of treatment. He'd tried to warn her, but she'd refused to listen. Now he couldn't help her.

“I'm sorry to hear that,” he said, placing the tissue box within her reach.

“I didn't mean what I said to you the other night,” she admitted after blowing her nose and wiping her face. “Honestly, I don't remember everything I said, but what I do remember, I didn't mean. It wasn't from my heart. I was just angry because I didn't like what you said. You were trying to tell me the truth, but I didn't want to hear it, so I lashed out, but I didn't mean it. Really, I didn't.” More tears flowed as she declared, “I love you.”

Relief washed over Sergio-Xavier, for he now knew for certain that the things Paige had said weren't from the heart, but that was as far as it went.

“I know you didn't mean it,” he said, standing up. “But that's the problem with words—they have the power to take you places you never intended to go, and to make you stay longer than you want. If Seniyah's betrayal had never happened, you wouldn't be admitting your mouth got you into trouble. I believe you care about me, but you need something I can't give you, and until you find it, you're not good for me. You're not even good for yourself.” He started backing away from the bed. “I'll call and check on you from time to time, and I will keep my promise to DWAP, but beyond that, we're done.”

He practically ran from the room to keep from yielding to his emotions and losing his resolve. Paige needed to rely on the faith she sang and bragged about to find her way. He loved her, but he wasn't her savior.

“Paige, baby, can you please explain to me again why you have a furnished nursery and you don't have a baby? According to you, you're not even doing what it takes to get a baby,” Paige's mother said from the doorway of her bedroom. She'd been staying with Paige since Sergio-Xavier phoned her from the hospital three days ago.

“Mama, I told you. It's complicated.” Paige hugged her pillow, hoping her mother would drop the subject. She wasn't ready to explain the humiliating circumstances surrounding her ordeal. Paige was having a hard enough time accepting the facts herself.

Her mother stepped into the room and sat on the bed. “It can't be any more complicated than me and your dad having to swap out your mattress and scrub vomit off the floor.”

“I appreciate everything you've done, and I'll pay Dad for the mattress. Please, Mom, just let it go.” Her mother's tender touch as she rubbed her back soothed Paige, as it had done when she was a child and was suffering from a cold. Paige could enjoy the soft strokes forever, if only her mother wouldn't ask questions.

“Don't worry about the mattress. Dr. Simone had that delivered.”

Paige's head shot up.

“He's the one, isn't he?” When Paige nodded, she continued, “I knew it when he called from the hospital. He was too concerned about you. Also, an emergency room doctor wouldn't know the condition of your bedroom or the size of your mattress. He also wouldn't call me every day to check on you. That man cares deeply for you, and you say you love him. What I don't understand is why you aren't talking to each other.”

A soft smile rested on Paige's face. She'd no idea that Sergio-Xavier was checking up on her. When he walked out of that hospital room, she thought he no longer cared. That was the first time she needed his strength and comfort and he didn't freely offer himself to her. Paige didn't have the chance to tell him how grateful she was to him for coming to look for her. Paige had honestly wanted to die, but when she heard Sergio-Xavier's voice calling her name throughout the house, her desire to live had been sparked.

“Come on. You better talk to me before I call those prayer warriors from your church back over here,” her mother said, rousing Paige from her reverie.

Last night Reyna and Marlissa had brought Mother Scott, First Lady Drake, and the entire intercessory prayer team by the house. They had anointed Paige with oil and then had prayed, sung, spoken in an unknown language, and beaten the tambourine until Paige lay flat on her back with her hands in the air, surrendering to the Lord. “That ought to do it,” Mother Scott had declared before she left. “She's gon' be all right now.”

Paige appreciated those bossy women now more than ever, because honestly she didn't have the strength to pray for herself. She couldn't even remember the words to her favorite worship songs.

Paige turned onto her back and maneuvered into an upright position with her back against the pillows. “Mom, I messed up,” she began. “I messed up a long time ago and haven't been right since,” Paige admitted for the first time.

“You haven't known Dr. Simone that long, so this has to be deeper than him.” Her mother pulled the covers back and sat in the bed beside her. “I'm listening. I can't wait to hear how Dr. Simone, the nursery, and that sprained ankle all fit together.”

Paige leaned her head against her mother's shoulder and exposed thirteen years of heartache. She'd never shared with her mother about the abortion and the torment she'd endured on a daily basis. It took what seemed like hours to get from the old, discolored photo in her nightstand to why Sergio-Xavier would express his concern for her over the telephone only through a third party.

“Mama, I hate myself for what I did. I have been trying so hard to clean up my mess. I do love the Lord, but I don't attend church so much because I love being there. I go to church so much because I'm trying to show God how sorry I am. I wanted to prove that I'm not selfish. That's why I volunteer so much and give so much away. That's why I dressed like a nun. I wanted to prove that I was humble and not high-minded anymore. In the process, I started judging and condemning everyone around me, because that's how I felt about myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I was so busy seeking a second chance and salvation in Seniyah's baby, I was blinded to the fact that she was using me. I didn't pray about helping her. I just jumped in, and honestly, I did have plans to take and raise her baby.

“I think I started falling for Sergio-Xavier the first time I laid eyes on him. He challenged my misguided beliefs and corrected my ill-formed judgments. I didn't like him for it, but I needed him to help open up my understanding. I can honestly say I am a better person because of him, but I chased him away because he called me on my mess. He loved me beyond my issues. He was even going to build me a house some day.”

Paige's mother rubbed her back and allowed the tears, sobs, and subsequent tremors to flow without urging her to stop. When the purging ended, Paige felt as if a weight had been lifted. Her heart still ached, but for the first time ever she sensed that a real healing was possible for her.

“Are you finished? Did you get it all out?” her mother asked after a period of time.

Paige started to nod but then uttered the answer instead. “Yes.”

“I knew you were driven by something, but I could never figure out what. Okay, so you had an abortion. So what? Millions of other women have done the same thing and been forgiven and have gone on to enjoy a wonderful life. Seems to me, the problem you have is with forgiving yourself for making a selfish decision. You're not the same person you were back then. You've grown. That's the way life is. We live and we learn from our mistakes. Trust me, you've learned your lesson. Now I have a question for you.”

“I'm listening,” Paige mumbled against her mother's chest.

“I know it's crazy for you to have a fully furnished nursery and to belong to several online parent groups when you don't have any children, but did the thought ever occur to you that perhaps God is preparing you for your own family? God never intended for Seniyah's baby to occupy that nursery. That's evident by the fact that the baby no longer exists. You just said that you're a better person because of Sergio-Xavier and that the man was ready to build you a house. It could be you decorated the right room, but in the wrong house.”

Paige's head jolted forward. She stared at her mother, speechless. Those ideas had never crossed her mind. Sergio-Xavier had told her he'd called his contractor, but she'd been too consumed with her own plans to put much stock in it. He wanted children, and he wanted them with her. He'd said as much in his own way the night they broke up.

“I prayed. How did I miss all that?” Paige posed the question more to herself than to her mother.

“You were praying, but you weren't praying for the right thing, and you weren't waiting for God to answer,” her mother explained.

Paige smirked. “And I thought
you
were the baby Christian. It doesn't matter now, because my man is gone. I ran him off.”

“You didn't run my son-in-law off. You may have backed him into a corner, but he's long from gone. Don't worry about him. Just work on you.”

Paige's head fell on her mother's chest again. She wasn't crying. Instead she was thinking that Sergio-Xavier wasn't the only person she owed an apology to.

 

 

Trying to exhibit some level of independence, Paige balanced her body on the crutches and started toward the front door. The rapid chimes from the doorbell meant the divas had arrived. Sergio-Xavier wasn't the only one making daily checks on Paige. Jasmine and the ladies called every day, and sometimes twice a day, to update Paige on DWAP's outreach efforts and the liquidation of their company. Not one call ended without them offering to lend her a hand around the house or to run an errand at the store. When the ladies had called in a panic this morning, Paige had suggested they all come over to the house for dinner.

“You go sit down in the living room. I'll get the door,” her mother said as Paige maneuvered past the kitchen.

Before obeying, Paige admired the soul food meal, complete with German chocolate cake, spread out on the center island. “Thanks so much, Mama. You really outdid yourself with this spread. You made my favorites—fried chicken and catfish.”

A smile of complete contentment spread over her mother's face. “No need to thank me. The good Reverend Doctor Simone ordered this when I talked to him this afternoon and told him those girls from the high school were coming over. The delivery came while you were in the shower. He said after tending to you all day, I didn't need to be slaving over a hot stove.”

Paige stood there, speechless, until the doorbell chimed again.
I love that man,
she thought as she sat down in a wingback chair in the living room and tried to get comfortable. Somehow, they had to find their way back to each other.

“Hey, Ms. Paige!” the divas chorused when they appeared in the living room.

Paige was used to their loud voices, but the hugs the divas showered on her caught her by surprise. All seven of her mentees were practically glowing from being in her presence.

“Hi, ladies. It's good to see you. I've missed you.” That was the truth. Teaching the junior entrepreneur class was one of the few activities Paige felt passionate about.

Although there was an empty sofa and love seat available, the girls chose to hunch down and sit around Paige's chair.

“Thank you for allowing us to come over. We just can't figure out what to do.” As always, Jasmine spoke for the group. “We only have ten days to pull this off, and we want to do this right.” She placed an open portfolio on Paige's lap.

The intensity with which the young ladies had selected dresses for the recognition dinner made Paige laugh. One would have thought the girls were planning a wedding.

“We've narrowed it down to these five.” Jasmine turned to the folded pages.

“What do you think?”

“They're beautiful,” Paige answered honestly. The dresses the girls had chosen were beautiful and appropriate for the occasion. Two were short and three were long, but they all were classy.

“Are you sure? We don't want to embarrass you, and we don't want to look cheap and ghetto, either,” Jasmine told her.

Paige realized the ladies were dead serious. The seven pairs of eyes staring at her told her the girls desperately needed her approval and wanted to make her proud. Flashes of past conversations ran through her mind, causing her heart to ache. The seven beautiful young women huddled around her had been seeking her acceptance from the beginning, but she hadn't been able to see it or hadn't cared.

“Ladies,” she finally responded after swallowing the lump in her throat, “the dresses are lovely. I would wear any one of them.”

The girls let out a collective sigh and relaxed.

“Okay, good. My cousin will start on them tomorrow. We already have shoes picked out,” Jasmine added.

“You guys have put a lot of thought into this. I'm impressed,” Paige admitted. She noticed the girls were exchanging nervous glances. “What is it?”

Jasmine cleared her throat. “We've been thinking about other things too. Like skipping junior college and going straight to the university. We already started filling out applications. Our counselors say we don't have the grades for a scholarship, but if we get in, we'll be eligible for financial aid. We can get part-time jobs to help cover some of the cost.”

“Dinner is ready,” Paige's mother called from the archway leading to the kitchen. “Come eat this good food Dr. Simone sent over before it gets cold.”

“You don't have to tell me twice,” one of the girls said and pulled out a bottle of antibacterial gel and passed it around.

Paige giggled to keep from crying while watching the girls get cleaned up for dinner. As each one trotted off to the kitchen, a unique characteristic was revealed to her. Something special that she'd overlooked before.

Jasmine stayed behind. “Do you need some help, Ms. Paige?” she offered, holding out her hand.

Paige smiled and prayed her sadness didn't show through. “I'm fine. I'll be in there soon. Eat all you want, but save me a chicken wing and a piece of catfish. Oh, and don't y'all dare cut that cake until I get in there.”

“I got your back, Ms. Paige.” Jasmine giggled and then walked out of the living room and joined the rest of the gang.

Once alone, Paige buried her face in her hands and cried, “Oh, God, what have I done?”

The power of Jasmine's words had shattered the remaining disillusions she had about the young women, whom she'd considered ghetto and hopeless. From day one, they had had her back, but she hadn't been able to see it, because of her obsession with Seniyah. They had genuinely cared for her and had proved it on several occasions. It was because of their aggressive, unpolished behavior that Sergio-Xavier had come to her rescue. It was they who had reminded her that she didn't have to hide behind her clothes. When she was sad, they had taken it upon themselves to cheer her up.

Unlike Seniyah, these ladies hadn't set out to use her under false pretenses. They had wanted only her knowledge, in hopes of making a better life for themselves. They had valued her opinion and had hung on her every word. The power of success and failure for those girls lay in her hands, and so far Paige hadn't invested in their success.

For the remainder of the visit, Paige chatted and laughed with the girls, but inwardly she prayed for a way to invest in them and help them accomplish their goals. She had an idea, but after the Seniyah fiasco, she had learned that Proverbs 3:5–6 was an actual verse to live by, and not just a nice saying to quote.