Back to Me (20 page)

“Coming!” Paige yelled the second time the doorbell chimed, and then continued brushing her hair. She could take an hour and her visitor wouldn't leave. Since officially stepping into the role of the man in her life, Sergio-Xavier was always present in one form or another and was always in her business. He made sure Paige took care of herself before running out to save the world. If they weren't talking on the phone, they were exchanging mushy text messages. The bouquet of long-stem red roses and a mini chocolate cake with the photo of them he'd taken with his iPhone were so cute that it took her two days to eat the cake. And Lizzie . . . When the man serenaded her with that saxophone, Paige wanted to fall down and kiss his feet. If she'd known the man had this much game, she would have come out of denial a long time ago. Paige loved the attention and bottled up every memory.

After tonight, memories and dry rose petals might be all that was left of the whirlwind romance. The choice was Sergio-Xavier's. She'd lay out the facts, then give him the option of remaining in her life on her terms, but under no circumstance would she compromise.

“Five more seconds and I'm going home,” he warned just as she twisted the knob.

Leaning against the door, she struck a pose that emphasized her bare legs. “You want me to look my best, don't you? It takes time to look this good.”

“You're just as evil as you are sweet.” He shook his head as he passed her en route to the kitchen. “I hope you have a taste for Thai.”

A sudden sense of sadness, almost like mourning, hit her. She lingered in the foyer until she was able to suck back the tears threatening to fall. She had to move forward. When she finally reached the kitchen, Sergio-Xavier had already fixed their plates and was pouring pear cider into wineglasses.

He set the bottle on the table and reached for her. “Come here, you little vixen. Don't I at least merit a kiss for all the suffering you're putting me through with that dress?”

Paige obliged him with a lingering kiss, which she prayed wouldn't be their last. Just as she deepened the kiss, he pulled back.

“Let's eat. I promise you're going to love this pumpkin curry,” he said, and they both took a seat at the table.

Something wasn't right. Sergio-Xavier didn't just physically withdraw from her. Emotionally something had shifted, but she couldn't identify what. He normally asked about the office or the divas' latest antics and then relayed messages from his mother. Tonight he didn't do any of that, but his lips appeared to move.

“This curry is good,” Paige said in an effort to break the silence.

His lips stopped moving long enough for him to say, “I'm glad you like it,” and then the movement of his lips resumed. That was when Paige realized he was too busy praying to carry on a conversation. She left him to his private thoughts and finished the meal in silence.

Once they were finished, Sergio-Xavier helped load the dishwasher and then, without warning, took her by the hand and led her into the living room. Instead of sitting beside her on the sofa, he hunched down in front of her.

“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” he asked while gripping her hand. “Don't say, ‘Nothing,' because that's a lie. You're fretting about something. I felt the anxiety in your kiss. Did the comment I made a while back about contacting my contractor scare you? Are we going too fast?”

The man knew her too well and cared too much to allow her to stew in agony. She stroked his cheek with the back of her hand. “I love you, really I do, but I have to tell you something.”

“I'm listening.”

“We're not moving too fast, but as much as I want it to, this still may not turn into happily ever after.”

“That only happens in fairy tales.” He kissed her hand. “I'm looking for a real life commitment, one with the peaks and valleys of this thing called life.”

Paige closed her eyes and said a prayer of her own. “I need to share a part of my life with you, and then you can determine if I'm the person you want to pursue or not.”

He nodded contemplatively. “Go on.”

“I, um, well . . .” Paige snatched her hand from his grip and jumped up. “Why don't I just show you? That way you'll understand how serious I am.”

“Okay.” He rose to his full height.

She led him to the back of the house, to the room next to the master bedroom suite. Before opening the door, she started to pray he'd understand, but then determined she didn't care.

She turned to him with her back against the door. “This will explain everything.” She opened the door, stepped aside, and allowed him to enter the fully furnished nursery.

She observed Sergio-Xavier's every move and facial expression as he walked around the room, touching the furniture and examining the wall decor. Finally, she was able to read his thoughts, but what she perceived crushed her spirit.

“You're having a baby,” he stated more than asked.

“Yes, well, not exactly. I figured out a way to help Seniyah take care of her baby and stay in school. This is how I'm going to help her.”

“Please explain this to me like I'm a two-year-old, because I don't get it.” If his labored breathing was any indication of his inner turmoil, Sergio-Xavier would explode at any second.

Paige presented the explanation that sound logical in her heart. She had never told anyone this before.

“Just because Seniyah made a mistake by getting pregnant shouldn't mean she has to abort her college dreams. I have the room, and I can rearrange my schedule to help her. If she grants me temporary guardianship, I can raise the baby while she's in school. On the weekends and breaks she can stay here with us. This way she won't lose her scholarship, and she can focus on school without worrying about the baby.” She paused. “It's a win-win for all,” she added when his piercing glare remained. “It's really the best solution.”

“I can't believe Seniyah has agreed to allow to you to take her baby.”

“I'm not taking her baby,” she snapped. “I'm helping her, and I'm fulfilling my Christian duty. Besides, she hasn't agreed to anything. I haven't presented the idea to her yet.”

“What!” Sergio-Xavier stepped toward her, then backed away. “Woman, are you insane? You have a fully decorated nursery, complete with diapers and formula, and you haven't even spoken to the girl about this crazy idea? If you want a baby that badly, I'll give you one. I'll meet you at the courthouse first thing in the morning. You'll be pregnant by sundown. You don't have to take someone else's baby and justify it as your Christian duty.”

She couldn't prevent her finger from wagging in his face or stop her lips from moving. His words hurt, and he had to pay for that. “I knew you wouldn't understand and would pass judgment on me. That's why I didn't tell you sooner. I don't care what you think, because I don't need your approval.”

“My approval is not the issue here,” he countered. “I would think you'd respect me enough to discuss something that will have a bearing on our relationship. Raising someone else's child is a major decision. That's not something I have considered.”

“You don't get it, do you?” she said, shaking her head. “I'm not asking you to do anything.” She stepped as close as possible to him, wanting him to feel every blow. “I don't need your help having or raising a child. I don't care if you walk out that door and never come back. I'm doing this for me.” Her lips curved into a satisfied grin as she watched his skin turn a shade of red. The victory was short-lived.

“That's good, because I wouldn't want to be held accountable for creating a self-centered replica of you. This is not about helping Seniyah. It's about you satisfying some sick desire and feeding your ego. You haven't even talked to her. Seniyah may not want or need your kind of help.”

His words stung, and she began shaking. She felt herself losing control, but she was helpless to stop the eruption.

He went on. “You're so self-absorbed, you don't care about anyone but yourself and what you want. It's a good thing you don't have any children, because you don't deserve to reproduce.”

Thirteen years of guilt and suffering rushed to the surface and gushed out in a shrill that filled the room and probably the entire house, but Paige didn't care. Sergio-Xavier had no idea how much she had endured, but he was about to find out.

She lunged forward and slapped him, then started punching him. “How dare you say that to me! You don't know what I've been through. I've been paying for my mistake for thirteen years. I know I was wrong, but you don't have the right to judge me. Everything I do is to make up for my mistake. You don't know how many tears I've cried. How many times I've apologized.” The punching continued until Sergio-Xavier pinned her against the wall, with her arms above her head. Then the yelling turned into sobs.

Her descent down the wall was almost in slow motion. He released her arms and held her stationary. Her head buried in his chest, Paige felt suspended between love and hate as her feet dangled just above the floor.

“It's okay, sweetheart. Calm down.” She heard the words whispered in her ear, but didn't receive them. How could he be so loving after the horrible things he'd just said about her?

He set her on her feet but still held on to her. “Please tell me what this is really about,” he pleaded, but instead of talking, Paige pushed free and stumbled out of the nursery and into her bedroom.

“You have no idea how much I hurt,” she wailed. She rambled on as she rummaged through the nightstand drawer. Papers flew until she found the faded envelope. Without any preliminary, she thrust it in his face. “Look at it!” she screamed.

“Whose baby is this?” he asked after pulling out the sonographic image. “I know it's not Seniyah's from the date.”

She fell on the bed and bawled with her head in her hands. “It's mine.”

He sat beside her and attempted to embrace her. “Did you have a miscarriage?”

She yanked herself away from him. “No, you idiot. Tyson and I didn't want any kids, so we killed our baby,” she cried. When his stare continued to penetrate her, she went on. “I was so selfish back then. We both were. We found out I was pregnant, and went to the clinic the next day to make the arrangements. Not once did we discuss what was best for the baby. It was all about what we wanted, what we had to do. We didn't love each other, but we could have raised the child if we hadn't been so self-centered. Money wasn't the issue. I just didn't want to be bothered.”

The breath Sergio-Xavier exhaled sounded as if a weight had been lifted. “Now you're trying to make up for aborting the baby,” he mused and then returned the sonographic image to the envelope and placed the envelope on the nightstand.

“I have been trying for thirteen years to make retribution for my mistake. Why do you think I practically live at church and spend all my free time serving others? I have to show God that I've changed. I have to prove that I'm not selfish anymore. I have to show that I can sacrifice my time and comfort for the sake of others. That's why I have to help Seniyah. It's my one chance to prove I can sacrifice my wants for the life of a child.”

He walked into the bathroom and returned with a wad of tissue and handed it to her. “Did you repent to God for aborting your baby?”

“Of course I did,” she snapped between wipes.

“Then, Paige, it's over. God has already forgiven you. Working yourself into the ground and rearing Seniyah's child isn't going to make you any more forgiven. You have to let this go.”

She smirked. “That's the perfect theological answer. Have you ever been so ashamed of what you've done that you couldn't look yourself in the mirror? Do you even know what it's like to feel so unworthy that not even God could love you? That you've gone so far that His arm can't reach you? Until you've been there, don't tell me to ‘let this go.'”

“I've been there and back. Remember, I'm the one who denounced my call to the ministry for sex with a lesbian. That's not any worse than the choice you made.” He took her hand once again. “You have to do the same thing I had to do. You need to forgive yourself for making a bad choice and move on. Seniyah's baby is not your atonement. The blood Jesus shed on Calvary is.”

For a moment, Paige considered his words. They actually made sense.

“You're letting one bad past decision cloud your present judgments. You don't trust your own decision-making process anymore. That's why you keep everyone in a box and have to maintain control all the time. Your guilt has made you blind to what God wants you to do. Seniyah's situation has blinded you to those who really need your help. Raising that baby will not erase what's going on inside your heart. You can't replace your child with hers. When all is said and done, your child will still be dead. With or without me, you need to live, and you won't be able to live the way God intended until you forgive yourself.”

Instead of comfort, his words unleashed a rage in her, one so potent, it scared her. She heard the foul language pouring from her mouth but couldn't identify the source, nor could she stop the words from flowing. Even when Sergio-Xavier stood and started for the door, she couldn't slow down. It was like an out-of-body experience. “I hate you!” were the last words she screamed before the front door slammed in her face.

Finally, her mouth had run him off and had restored the control she needed to complete her mission. Sergio-Xavier was wrong. She was on her way to living again, and Seniyah's baby was the vehicle that would lead her to that abundant life everyone kept talking about.