Back to Reality (23 page)

“There’s nothing to explain. You lied to me,” I said simply. I folded my arms and gave him a cool, detached stare. 

“It wasn’t like that,” he stammered, shaking his head no. He took his hands out of his pockets and started shaking his hands in time with his head. “When I first saw you, I didn’t have the slightest idea who you were.”

“
But as soon as you put it together, you didn’t tell me the truth. I thought you were my friend. I didn’t know I was a project your mother assigned to you.” I shook my head and took a step back. “I should’ve known better,” I muttered to myself.

“
Yes, Mother wanted me to keep an eye out for you. But after we met and I phoned her to tell her I saw you at Dr. Summers’ office, I had to go back to talk with you. I was supposed to just make sure you looked okay and let her know if there was cause for her concern. She thought it would be messy if we became friends, but I was intrigued by you.  She didn’t tell me much about you, but what she did tell me made me want to figure out what was going on with you.” He put his hand on his chest and continued, “I apologize for not telling you the truth. I should’ve told you over coffee that first night, but I didn’t want to push you away. So I kept it to myself. And after that night, any other time I thought about telling you, the timing wasn’t right.”

Hearing him say, the timing wasn’t right transported me to past conversations with Tyree and Emanuel. Feeling my blood start to boil, I thought,
the timing wasn’t right? The timing wasn’t right? The timing…wasn’t right?!

The more I repeated the sentence, the angrier I got.
“The timing wasn’t right?” I scoffed, taking another step back.   “I’m tired of hearing that! When it’s something that important you make time. Our friendship is based on a lie.”

“
But it became real.” Ben took a step forward and gave me his most charming smile. 

My face twisted into a
scowl and my eyebrows furrowed together. It made me even angrier that he thought he could charm his way out of his deception. “It was based on a lie so nothing about it was real,” I spat out.

“
If you can forgive my mum, surely you can forgive me,” he responded cockily, rubbing his hands together slowly. His tone changed from pleadingly sweet to arrogantly self-assured. He sounded like he was used to getting his way and expected this to be no different.

“What?!” I shouted incredulously.
Deborah did what she did because she cared. Ben did what he did because he was curious,
I thought as I felt the disappointment well up inside me.
This is exactly why I don’t trust people. I should’ve never gone to coffee with him. My gut instinct was right. I shouldn’t have—

“It really isn’t that big of a deal,”
Ben interrupted gently, reaching his hand out to touch my shoulder.

I jerked my upper body away from his outstretched hand and pointed at him. 
I don’t know if it is his cavalier attitude or the fact that he lied to me or the fact that he just said it was no big deal, but I am so over him and this friendship. I don’t need the unnecessary drama,
I thought as he looked at me dumbfounded.

“Do me a favor
,” I said with a quiet intensity that I hoped mimicked his mother’s tone. “Lose my number.”

Smirking, he replied, “Come on Sahara. We’re friends. You can’t just walk away.”

You have no idea,
I thought as I turned on my heel and strode out of the museum without looking back.  The sun was beaming down and the weather was a little warmer than it was when I had first arrived at the museum, but it almost felt hot after being in the cold museum. Lifting my face to the sun, I soaked in the rays and it tickled my skin.  And I smiled.

Chapter 24
     

Two Months Later

              “I noticed you’ve stopped writing about Emanuel completely,” Dr. Summers observed with a slight inflection in her voice.

I don’t know what she wants me to say about this,
I thought as I shrugged my shoulders and frowned a bit.  
I’m with Ty. Writing about Emanuel is pointless…and painful. It’s bad enough when he pops into my mind and I think about him.  Trying to make sense of everything by writing it was just driving me crazy and putting a strain on my relationship.
I inhaled deeply and sat quietly. 

It’s not that I didn’t want to answer the question; I just didn’t know how. After three months of therapy, Dr. Summers and I had gotten into a rhythm and I never had panic attacks in her office anymore.  If she asked a question about a sensitive topic, I could take a deep breath and move on.
Soon I’ll be rid of these panic attacks altogether,
I thought with hope.

“Well,
I can absolutely see the progress you’ve made,” Dr. Summers remarked as she flipped through my journal.  I smiled in response.  For the last three months, I’d kept a daily journal of my thoughts and feelings.  Although Dr. Summers had requested the journal twice before, this final time was important as it was the conclusion of the three months of therapy she recommended when I first came to her office.

             
She closed the journal and handed it back to me, saying, “But it’s not about what I see, what do you see? Do you recognize your areas of growth?” Dr. Summers leaned forward in her chair. Her burgundy corduroy pants rustled as she uncrossed her legs.

             
“Yes. When I read the earlier entries in the journal, I can see where I accepted blame for things that were out of my control.”

“And now?” Dr. Summers implored with an encouraging smile.

“And now, I can at least see the difference between things I can control and things I can’t.  I’m not assuming the blame for everything that happens to the people in my life. And I’m—I’m forgiving myself. ” I looked at the cinnamon candle burning on the mantle and then back at Dr. Summers. “Well, I’m working on forgiving myself. I have good days and bad days.”

Nodding, Dr. Summers jotted something down in her notebook before she said, “
Forgiveness is key to your healing. It is how you will ultimately find your peace. And I must say, you are making extraordinary progress, Sahara. You are starting to not define yourself or your life by the tragic life experiences that you’ve gone through.”

Noticing the time, I uncrossed my navy Carolina Herrera wide leg pant covered legs and scooted to the e
dge of the chair. “I feel good emotionally, Dr. Summers. I haven’t felt this emotionally healthy since before…my dad died.” Just saying the words felt foreign. 
The sheer fact that I can say the words ‘dad’ and ‘died’ without feeling guilty or crying was proof of the progress I’d made in three short months,
I thought proudly.

“And that is what I like to hear,”
Dr. Summers said as she stood and walked to her desk. I slipped on my cream Jimmy Choo ballet flats that matched my cream zipper sleeved Nanette Lepore top and then walked to the door. 

Dr. Summers turned to me and smiled.  Handing me an appointment card, she announced, “Your three month period is up. And although you have made considerable progress, I’d like to discuss continuing therapy for three additional months.”

Taking the card and dropping it into my python-printed Michael Kors tote, I replied, “I would like that.” And I meant it. Dr. Summers had helped me in ways I couldn’t fully explain to anyone. 
I don’t think I fully understand how much she helped me, but I can feel it. I can feel the difference she’s made in my life,
I thought as I slipped on my Burberry sateen trench coat.

When I got to the front door, I turned to Dr. Summers who was tailing me. “Thank you again. See you next Friday. Have a happy Thanksgiving.”

“You too, Sahara. Happy Thanksgiving,” she returned, closing the door behind me.

I hurriedly walked down the steps and flagged down a taxi.
The chill in the air made available taxis a little harder to come by. The amount of people milling around the city tripled the amount of a normal Wednesday downtown.  Pulling my coat tighter against me, I waved my arm in the air and secured warm transportation home.  Climbing into the backseat, I let out a sigh of relief as the heat from the vents hit my face and warmed my hands.
It’s going to be a cold winter,
I thought as I checked my watch.
Oh shit! If I don’t hurry, I will be late!

Once I arrived to One38, I
breezed by the front desk and straight to the elevator.  Arriving on my floor, I had already taken my coat off before I had gotten to my front door. As soon as I opened the door, the smell of the pot roast cooking in the crock pot greeted me.  I stopped and listened for any noise within the apartment.  Not hearing anything, I proceeded inside.
Giving Ty a key has been a gift and a curse,
I thought as I shut the door behind me and moved quickly into the apartment. 
I love that he can stop by on his way between Boston and Richland but when I’m trying to finish dinner on a busy day, the element of surprise does not work in my favor!
I thought to myself as I hung up my coat and put my handbag on the couch. 

F
or the last ten years, I never celebrated Thanksgiving. But this year, I’m doing something a little different,
I thought as I washed my hands.

I chopped veggies and potatoes and tossed them into the frying pan. While I let that sauté, I put the macaroni and cheese in the oven.  I opened a bottle of wine and poured it into the wine glasses that were on the dining room table. I set the table before leaving for work so I would have less to do after therapy. The rolls were heating up in the toaster oven and I pulled out the cake I made the night before.  Smiling at my meal, I put all of the hot foods on warm burners to keep warm while I went to change. 

Showering, dressing and styling my hair in a high ponytail in only twenty minutes was a record for me.  The tight Amanda Uprichard dress with the scoop neck back showcased some of my best assets.
He’ll like this,
I thought as I looked at myself from behind. Deciding against my heels, I kept my black slippers on and made my way to the living room. I hit play on my iPod and lit all the candles I placed around the living room and dining room.

Eight o’clock on the dot
, I thought as I sipped the La Mission Haut-Brion Blanc I ordered especially for the occasion.
People run late. I’ll give him a few more minutes
, I thought as I put the wine down and returned to the kitchen to slice the meat.
I will not overreact. I will not think the worst. There are many logical reasons for him being late.

Thirty minutes later, I decided to break down and call.

“Hey baby girl,” Ty answered on the first ring. 

“Hey…what’s going on? Are you okay?”
I asked, standing still in the middle of the kitchen.

“Yeah…hold on for one second please
,” he asked before his voice became muffled. “…take the shipment to the basement. All of it! This was completely avoidable.  If you can’t get in touch with me, you find Bennett or Milton, and they will get in touch with me. If you can’t reach either of them, you postpone making any major executive decisions. You do not have that privilege. Under no circumstances do you have the authority to make any purchases without my consent. Better yet, you don’t have the authority to make any decisions about my businesses without my consent. Do I make myself clear?” The anger and frustration in his voice came through the phone loud and clear.

He is seriously pissed,
I thought as I leaned against the counter.
But that doesn’t supersede my own frustration with this situation.

“Hello?” Ty growled into the phone.
“I can’t believe this shit!”

Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
I silently went through my breathing exercises trying to calm down from my own set of frustrations.

Changing his tone, Ty spoke again,
“You still there baby girl?”

“Yes
, I’m here. What’s going on, Ty? You’re angry.”

“Angry is not the word.” I heard a door slam on the other end of the phone before he started again. “Ava
went over budget by a considerable amount because she said it was a good deal we couldn’t pass up. And by ‘we’ she obviously meant me because it’s my money she spent.”

“I’m sorry that happened baby.” I cut off the burners on the stove and
picked up the bottle of wine on my way out of the kitchen. “Can you return any of the purchases?”

“No,
all sales were final on the food. And with the holidays coming up, we are faced with an abundance of food and a decrease in customers.  Additionally, instead of retaining staff to help shut down last Saturday, she hired a cleaning service after everyone had left. And since the services were rendered, I need to pay them.  I was in Bakersfield at the time, Bennett was at Motive and Milton was on vacation. Leaving Ava as acting manager and she failed to follow proper protocol and contact me.  My accountant brought it to my attention today.” He sounded so frustrated that my first instinct was to hug him and make him feel better.

“I’m so sorry you’re faced with all of that.
That’s rough.”

“I’m so mad, I can’t even think straight. And it’s my fault. I should’ve been he
re. Jimmy’s is barely six months old. I can’t trust it in the hands of some overzealous…rookie. I know better. He taught me better,” he growled angrily. I knew the person he was referring to was his grandfather so I didn’t say anything in that moment. I gave him a minute to process his feelings without cutting in to try to save the day.
Thanks, Dr. Summers,
I thought with a slight smile as I utilized the skill I learned from her.

He took a deep breath and blew it out into the phone. “I’m sorry, baby girl. Thank you for letting me vent. I’m so glad you called. I needed to hear your voice.”

“I have a suggestion,” I started, ignoring the sweet nothings he spouted. “
If I were you and I had an abundance of food that if I didn’t get rid of, I’d have to throw away, I would have a Thanksgiving lunch or dinner tomorrow for the underprivileged population in Richland.  Most restaurants will be open for those not wanting to cook or for those without families. And while those restaurants will be busy trying to earn a buck, Jimmy’s will be about charity and goodwill. You could not only help the less fortunate, but you could also generate amazing publicity for Jimmy’s. It could even be done from like 2pm to 5pm since you always say between lunch and dinner is the slowest part of the day.  And then you can clean and open for paying customers at 6pm or even give your staff the night off and reopen on Friday. It would be a win-win for everyone involved.”

He was quiet as he pondered over my idea. “I like it. I like it a lot. Actually, that is pretty perfect. Baby girl, what would I do without you?”
 

Sitting the bottle and my
empty glass on the coffee table, I walked around the room and blew out each candle.  I didn’t respond.

“I miss you,” Ty said in his smooth, sexy voice.

“I miss you too Ty,” I replied, letting a little bit of the aggravation slip into my voice.  “But I am a bit frustrated with you right now.”

“Why? What’s going on?” Ty’s voice was full of concern and confusion.

“We had plans tonight. I know a lot of stuff happened with Jimmy’s today, but you could’ve called. At some point, you could’ve called.”

“No, we have plans Friday. Hold on, I have it in my planner, Pre-Thanksgiving dinner Fri—damn, Wednesday, today. Dammit!  I will make it up to you. I can be there in an hour and a half if I push it.”

“No, it’s already 9pm and by time you get here, it’ll be well after 11pm. Traffic during the holidays can be crazy. I’ll just see you later.”

“I suppose you haven’t changed your mind about Thanksgiving dinner with Bennett and his family?”

“I suppose if you’re asking, Hell has indeed frozen over?”

“
At some point, you two are going to have to bury the hatchet.”

Yeah, in his back,
I quipped silently before washing away the snarky remark with a gulp of wine.  The alcohol was definitely taking an effect as I smiled giddily in the middle of my living room.

“
So I guess we will see each other...” I let my sentence trail off.

“You know
we would see each other every day if you would just move in with me.”

Sighing, I sat down on the couch.
Here we go again,
I thought taking another sip of wine. “I can’t just up and leave Ty. We’ve talked about this. Extensively.”

“Yes and each time we talk about it, you can’t give me a legitimate reason. Just excuses.”

“Excuses?! I have a job that I’ve grown to love…that’s here. I’m in a really good place emotionally thanks to my therapist…who’s here. And quite frankly, I don’t want to just drop everything and move.”