Back to Reality (34 page)

Three hours later, I walked out of Ashlyn’s birthing suite.  I smelled the clean scent of soap as I rubbed my face with my hands.  Walking down the hall toward the waiting room, I took a minute to process what I just saw
.  It was incredible. Gross, but incredible. I stayed near Ashlyn’s head so that she could grip my hand, per her request.  But her mom watched the whole thing unfold. Maybe I would’ve been prepared for the different fluids spewing out of her had I been included on any of the doctor’s appointments. Cutting the umbilical cord was the highlight and seeing that happy, healthy baby cry choked me up.  The special moment was spoiled by the court appointed DNA paternity testing we all gave samples for,
I thought as I pushed through the door. 

Mom
was the first to spot me, jumping up from her chair.  Mom, Dad, Emily, Mr. McMannus, Mrs. McMannus, Mark and Q ran toward me. “Boy or Girl?” they asked immediately as if they had a bet going on.

I
couldn’t help scanning the waiting room for Sahara as I announced with a laugh, “Girl!”

They screamed and congratulated me. When I finished high fiving, hugging, and shaking hands with each of them, I felt my heart rate spike.

              I looked up and everyone else faded to black.  Standing behind the group, Sahara clutched two bags: one blue and one pink. I walked through the group to Sahara.

             
“Congratulations,” she said as she smiled a heartbreakingly sweet smile.

             
“Thanks,” I said, gesturing to the bags, “What’s this?”

             
“Well I had some gifts delivered to Emily’s last week. I wasn’t sure when the baby was coming and if I wasn’t here, I still wanted the kid to have my gift to him or her.”

             
My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. “Thank you.”

             
“So which is it? Girl or boy?”

             
“Girl,” I responded.

             
She handed me the pink bag.  I opened it and the first thing I pulled out was a black jumper with ‘My Daddy Can Hack Your Daddy’s Computer’ in pink cursive. The bottom was a black and pink tutu skirt with black footed leggings.  I laughed and put it back in the bag so I could grab her and kiss her.  “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” I repeated. Initially I was thanking her for the gift, but it quickly became me thanking her for being by my side.

             
“What’s her name?” Emily asked as we walked to the group. I passed the bag around so everyone could check out the gift. 

             
“Natalia.”

             
“I like it,” she smiled. “And this shirt is perfect for her!”

I squeezed Sahara’s hand. “Do you want to come see her?” I asked the group as I started walking in that direction.  Everyone followed and once we got
to the large window, there were twelve babies in various states of sleep.  But one little girl was looking wide eyed at her surroundings.

“That’
s Natalia. The one being nosey,” I laughed. I could feel myself beaming.

“She’s beautiful,” Sahara
remarked. “Absolutely beautiful.”

“Hopefully, that’s the only thing she gets from her mother,” Mark quipped, making the group laugh.

“So when do you get to take her home?” Q asked innocently.

“Well, I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
I looked at Mr. McMannus for help.

“
When the paternity test comes back, Emanuel will sign the birth certificate.  After he signs, we will be able to continue with our petition for legal custody in family court. In the meantime, the paternity law will cover him and he’ll be able to see her. Unfortunately, it’ll involve Ashlyn being cooperative. But he’ll be alright,” Mr. McMannus clarified on my behalf with a definitive nod. 

“Wow, full custody?” Mark whistled. “That’s a lot man.”

“Yeah.” I looked at Natalia through the glass. “I’m ready for it.”

*****

Putting the last of the empty boxes in the hallway near the front door, I went upstairs to grab my phone that was going off again.  Seeing the name and number of Mr. McMannus, I quickly answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Emanuel. How are you?”

“
The last nine days have been crazy,” I laughed. “I still can’t get over the fact that I’m someone’s father.”

“Are you busy right now?”

“Just got finished rearranging Natalia’s room.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, the last time she was here, I got the feeling she didn’t like the mobile above her crib.  Maybe from the shadows? I don’t know. So I went out and got a few more things before Ashlyn drops her off in a little while.”

“Do you mind if I stop by? I’m nearby.”

“No I don’t mind at all.”

Ten minutes later, Mr. McMannus knocked on the door.

*****

24 hours later

I heard the knock on the door, but I didn’t answer it.  I spent all day either packing or destroying everything in my townhouse.  I didn’t feel like talking. I didn’t feel like seeing anyone
. I just want to be left the fuck alone,
I grumbled as I threw away the last of the items in a big box. 

The door
bell chimed and I ignored it again, walking through the living room to drop off the oversized ottoman to the front hallway.  My cell phone was powered off, but I could almost guarantee that if it were on, it would be ringing.  I powered it off a couple hours after speaking with Mr. McMannus and I never turned it back on.  I went to finish packing up my office when the doorbell went off repeatedly followed by insistent pounding on the door. 
Ashlyn pulled this shit yesterday,
I thought angrily.
I didn’t want to talk to her then and I for damn sure don’t want to talk to her now. You know what? Fuck it!

Storming through the house, I got to the front door and flung it open. Fully prepared to scream at Ashlyn or whoever it was, I suddenly found myself
unable to speak.  We both were unmoving, like statues, as we eyed one another. I felt the stinging behind my eyes so I had to look away from her.

Taking a step forward,
Sahara placed her hands on either side of my face. “I’m sorry.”

Feeling my sense of control slipping away, I bit down on my lip and nodded. I didn’t trust myself to look into her eyes, let alone, talk to her.

“I’m sorry, love,” she repeated, backing me into the house. She closed the door behind her and I plopped down on the ottoman I just moved.

Still looking just above her head, I held on to the last shred of control I had over my emotions. “What are you doing here?” I managed to choke out, still unable to look directly at her.

“I couldn’t get in touch with you yesterday and I got worried. I talked to Emily this morning and she told me what happened. So I took the day off and booked the first flight I could to be here with you, for you.”

I dropped my eyes to meet her gaze momentarily and then I had to look away. 
The love I feel for this woman…,
I thought as I closed my eyes, overwhelmed.

Clearing my throat, I said, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I’d do anything for you, love. Anything.”

When I didn’t say anything, she commanded softly, “Look at me.”

When I opened my eyes, the first tears I shed over the situation fell. “After all that, she’s not mine. I fell in love with that little girl the moment I laid eyes on her. And she’s not mine.”

Sahara kissed me chastely before wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, but we’ll get through this. Together, we can get through anything,” she said as I pulled her into my lap. “I love you, Emanuel.”

“I love you too,” I whispered as I buried my face in her coconut scented hair.

Sahara’s Playlist

“To Build A Home” -- The Cinematic Orchestra

“Breathe Me” –
Sia

“Trouble” – Coldplay

“Never Felt This Way” – Alicia Keys

“Fumble” –Trey
Songz

“Gone” –
Nsync

“Your Hands” – Marsha
Ambrosius

“Any Time, Any Place” – Janet Jackson

“He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat)” – Jill Scott

“I Need Love” – Robin
Thicke

“Don’t Speak” –
Leela James

“Say Something” –A Great Big World

“Bitter” – Me’Shell NdegeOcello

“Fall For Your Type” – Jamie Foxx ft. Drake

“Stay” – Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko

“Need It” – Half Moon Run

“Flaws And All” – Beyonce

“Doing It Wrong” – Drake

“When The Right One Comes Along” – Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio

“Like A Star” – Corrine Bailey Rae

“Safe & Sound” – Taylor Swift ft The Civil Wars

“Make You Feel My Love”
– Adele

Acknowledgments

Adrian
aka THE husband: You are the absolute best husband in the world. No one and nothing compares to you.  You are my reason. And I am so blessed to have you. Thank you for being so incredibly supportive of my creative endeavors.  You are everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I never knew I wanted, and everything I’ll ever want.  You are my everything.  You are my moon and my stars. I love you.

Grandma, G
randpa, Mom, and Andy aka THE fam: Thank you for the constant love and support. Thank you for always building me up and fostering my creativity.  Thank you for understanding that there was always a point eventually when I would get longwinded as a child…and a teen…and an adult (please note that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree)! I can always count on you to have my back and I love you all so much.

Mash, Wellie, Chrissy,
Sassy and Dash aka THE girls: Some people never experience true friendship…let alone friendships that stand the test of time. We’ve been friends since childhood…and we’ve grown together. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for loving Back to Life and anxiously awaiting Back to Reality.  Thank you for simultaneously getting me in and out of trouble.  And thank you for being all that is good and fun and crazy and hilarious and loyal about Emily.  Lo, you are the newest member to the group and I hope you know how much we love you. You are officially one of THE girls. And to Zo, Joey, and the rest of THE GroupMe Goons, love you!

THE bloggers: I jumped into the world of writing with both feet and had no idea what to do. I just knew I wrote a book that I felt good about and wanted to share with the wo
rld. I was soon introduced to the realm of book blogging. These awesome bloggers are how anyone even remotely caught wind of my novels. I can’t thank you enough for what you do, day in and day out. You spend your precious time reading and reviewing books. You spread the word about the books you’ve read, giving people like me with no following, an opportunity to shine. You are instrumental in the Book World and I thank each and every blogger who has read, reviewed, posted, shared, etc. Back to Life and Back to Reality. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to reach as many people as I have. I wish I could name every single one of you who has helped but the list of blogs and bloggers is so extensive—especially with Back to Reality.  The reception I’ve received for my second novel has been overwhelmingly supportive. If you participated on either of my blog tours, if you’ve read or reviewed my work independently, I’m sending you love and hugs. Thank you so much!

Natalie
Limardo Wilburn, Heather Carver, Annie Tremblay, Malia Lilinoe, and Nneka Charles aka THE fab five:  Your support has meant the world to me. And from the moment Natalie found me on AMAZON, my work has been in the hands of so many remarkable readers and bloggers.  Natalie introduced me to Annie and Heather, and the three of them collectively put together a blog tour for me. The Back to Life Blog Tour put me in touch with Malia and Nneka. The five of you have offered so much in terms of encouragement, guidance, and friendship. There was so much I didn’t know about the literary world because until a few months ago, writing a novel was not on my radar. Being an unknown novelist, it can be intimidating, daunting even, to navigate the waters…but the five of you were an immeasurable wealth of knowledge and support. Thank you for spreading the word and encouraging others to read my work. Thank you for everything you've done to support me and my work. And most importantly, thank you for being AMAZING people. Sending you all love and hugs!

And last but certainly not least, THE readers:  Thank you, thank you, thank you! The outpou
ring of love for my work has been overwhelming. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read what I’ve written.  Reading your reviews and hearing your feedback is humbling and exciting and makes the hours I’ve spent writing SO worth it. Again, THANK YOU!

*****

For more updates on the work of Danielle Allen, please visit

www.authordanielleallen.com