Bad as in Good (19 page)

“If he wasn't treating you right, what made you endure? What made you take him back even after you found out about the baby who turned out not to be his?”

“Guilt and fear. I was guilty for hurting him the same way he was hurting me. I never apologized for it, and I didn't expect him to. Plus, I feared that if he left, I would have to face the reality that it was my fault a good man walked out on me. I am the reason that a good one turned out to be a
Tariq.”

I giggled. “Girl, nobody can be a
Tariq.
But it wasn't your fault. It was all Lorenz's doing—”

“It was those type of lies that I told myself, Erin.
He's the one with the problem. He'll change eventually. What he did isn't that bad. Things will get better. If he leaves, you'll never find anyone better.
And then he left, and I still haven't found anyone better. When he comes by looking sexy and we're yelling at each other, I keep picturing him kissing me and holding me. The next thing I know, I'm on top of him, riding him like he's a black stallion. I dunno if it felt so good 'cause I haven't had sex in so long or if I forgot what it
used to be like.” She ran her fingers through her locs and sighed. “I miss being able to miss a good man. It's a luxury that not many women have the pleasure of having.”

“Do you want him back?”

Loraine trembled. She poured another glass and twirled her tresses between her index and middle fingers. After a long slurp of vodka, she caught her breath and contemplated taking back a man that she had tried to shun from her life many times before. “I dunno anymore. He's been trying to change. I know I don't want a man who's gonna mistreat me. But I don't know if that man is Lorenz.”

“What if he does it again? What if all you're seeing is the effort he's puttin' into gettin' you back and
not
the work he hasn't put into doing you right? You think it's time to start dating?”

Loraine shook her head as she tucked her foot under her butt. “I don't know anymore.” Gulping down the last of the vodka, she asked with dazed eyes, “You think I'd be missing out if I stay away from Lorenz?”

“That's a question only you can answer. However, if sleepin' wit' him while you sort things out makes you feel better, don't let me stop you. Make sure you don't get hurt in the process.”

Loraine exhaled. “Lorenz was always damn good in bed. I actually wouldn't mind sex with him. But you don't know Lorenz. He has a way of makin' you stick around. I dunno if I wanna risk it.”

“Well, don't. All I know is that you haven't glowed like this in forever. Your skin looks fresh, your shoulders relaxed, and your eyes bright. Good dick did something right, and there's no reason to stop it now.”

“It all depends on the one who's giving it to me.”

“Whoever it is, make sure he's giving it to you right.”

Forgiveness was a curious symptom. It was attached to a disease that had the potential to cripple me, enter my bloodstream, and corrupt my judgment. Nevertheless, as I considered forgiveness, curiosity introduced itself as a new symptom. I was curious about the man Louis really was, and ultimately, without Tariq to scratch my urges, I was horny. When I saw Louis again, he was a like a hungry seal. He couldn't stop bouncing and grinning as I forgave him for his misdeed and allowed him back into my life.

“I'm gonna make it up to you,” he whispered as we embraced.

“You definitely will.” I hadn't had sex in weeks, and I was ready to make up. I led him straight to my bedroom. He followed me like a trained puppy and bounced on the edge of my bed, anticipating what I planned to do next. Biting my lip and batting my eyelashes, I slowly disrobed before him, leaving on my panties and bra. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer to him. While he rubbed my skin, I straddled him and put my arms around his neck.

When I leaned in to kiss him, he pulled back and smiled. “I was beginning to think that you didn't wanna see me anymore.”

“You're lucky Loraine pleaded your case.” Finally pressing my lips against his, he gently slid off my panties and unhooked my bra. Unhooking my bra, I could feel him growing between my thighs. I whispered in his ear, “I missed you.”

He stood us up and laid me down atop my bed sheets. After dropping his trousers, taking off his shirt, and slippin' into a condom, he climbed on top of me and whispered back, “I missed you, too.”

When I felt him inside me, I tilted my head back and dug my nails into his skin. I told myself to imagine how good he'd feel loving me until morning. I smiled. When I felt his lips over mine, I slid my tongue inside his mouth to taste how sweet his tongue
was. I trembled when he sucked on my bottom lip and pushed in deeper.

“I love you,” he said, assuring me as he grabbed my thigh and pressed it up against my left breast.

He went deeper as I arched my back and pictured him kissing me again. I fantasized about how deep he could push inside me while I sucked on his lips and rubbed his back.

I moaned in satisfaction when he pulled out and went in deeper than before.
“Ooh,”
was all that I could let slip through my lips as I struggled to catch my breath. Louis definitely didn't feel this good the last time he was inside me. When he pulled out again, he yanked me toward his chest and assertively stuck his tongue between my lips in search for mine. Victim to his touch, I welcomed his advances as I tugged at him to finish what we started. “Put it back in,” I said between kisses.

He turned me over and let my ass find his lap. Finding his way back inside me from behind while propped up on all fours, he held my waist and rhythmically pulled in and out. I squeezed my sheets and gritted my teeth, silently begging for more. “I really missed you.” It had been almost two weeks since I saw Louis, and we had barely spoken. As my orgasm tapped on the wet inner folds that hid between my thighs, I questioned what made me take so long to come to my senses. Why wouldn't I want a man who enjoys being with me? What stupid world did I live in where it would be okay to let a man like Louis slip between my fingers or slip out the lips that held him inside me? I really missed the opportunity to cuddle on my couch and watch TV with a man whose warm embrace made me fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. I certainly missed the chance to spread my legs and beckon his entry while I soiled my 1,000 thread-count sheets with orgasmic nectars.

“I really missed you, too,” I blurted out between coos of elation. And with that, my knees buckled and my body was set on fire. Burying my face in my pillows, I yelled out in pleasure.

Louis wrapped his arm over my chest and pulled me forward. While sucking on my earlobe, he whispered, “Don't hide your satisfaction in the pillows. I wanna hear you scream my name.” Leisurely stroking inside me, he played with my breasts as I rested the back of my head on his shoulder.

“Louis,” I moaned as I shook in his arms holding his wrists to support myself up. When he tried to pull away, I had held him closer to me and quivered in his embrace. “Don't stop,” I commanded.

“I won't,” he whispered to me as I collapsed atop my pillows. He sped up a little, squeezed my cheeks, and pushed in deeper. When he throbbed inside of me, I responded by clasping my lips around him. I could feel him about to come, but I wasn't ready for him to stop. I pulled away and turned over on my back. Moving with the flow, he wrapped my legs around him and pulled my thighs close to him. I tried to get more out of him. I curved my back and screamed in ecstasy. He pulsated within me and groaned while his pleasure overflowed. Catching his breath, he rested on top of me. I felt guilty for greedily wanting to come again, but I hadn't felt what we experienced in so long, and I couldn't risk getting any less than I could handle. “Damn, Erin.”

“Did you wanna take a shower together?”

Having caught his breath, he smirked. “You're tryna go again?”

I shrugged my shoulders and smirked back. “Why not?”

Louis stared into my eyes for a while and kissed me. The kiss was short, but his lips were sweet and pillowy. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay there with him on top of me, kissing me. “Okay, let's go take a shower.”

T
ariq was back at my door. He sent me a text apologizing for being so disrespectful, and he had to come explain himself. More confident in my attraction to Louis, I was stronger in my stance against him. I couldn't deny how good he looked in a dress shirt and slacks—or how his low haircut and his face cleanly shaven didn't weaken me. I made no effort to look good. I wore my hair in a head scarf and dressed down in a sweatshirt and athletic shorts. I considered gettin' dolled up for Tariq in hopes that he could see what he had been missin', but I chose not to. Louis was comin' over soon, and I wanted Tariq's visit to be brief. Admittedly, I realized that Tariq would want more time than I was willin' to give him. Either way, Louis was my man and Tariq had to respect those boundaries. “Still got a man?”

“Yes, I do.”

He licked his lips and nodded. “Is it disrespectful if I ask if we can talk?”

I cut my eyes at him. “Nothin' can be more disrespectful than you cursing me out 'cause I hurt yo' feelings.”

“That's my fault.”

“I know it's yo' fault. It dang sho' ain't my fault.”

“C'mon, Erin. I came ova to talk to you.”

“About?”

“Some things I need to get off my chest.”

I folded my arms and rested my shoulder on my doorframe. “Start talkin'.”

Tariq stared at me and shook his head. “Can I come in?”

“Why can't you talk out here?”

“Erin, I'm trying to be respectful. But if you can't respect my desire to have a normal conversation with you like two adults, let me know.”

“I'm being disrespectful by not letting you in my apartment? The last time you were here, you threw a tantrum. I am trying to respect my relationship with my man. If you take that as disrespect, that's on you.”

“I'm not here to do anything. I honestly wanna have a conversation with you. I'm sorry for goin' off on you like that. Gimme the opportunity to explain myself. You wanted us to talk about what's been up wit' me and my situation. I'm here to talk.”

“I'm not sure that's any of my concern anymore.”

“You want me to leave?”

“If you come in here, you need to respect me, my household, and my man.”

“All right, Erin. You goin' let me in?”

I didn't want him to leave, but I didn't fully trust myself alone with him in my apartment. And I definitely didn't fully trust Tariq. We fooled around on my couch to the extent that I feared the possibility of old emotions resurfacing. My feelings for Louis were strong, but whatever it was that I felt for Tariq always enticed me. I wanted answers, though. I deserved to know. I took a deep breath and moved out of his way. When he walked in, the scent of his cologne made my palms sweat. I sighed and stopped him at my kitchen table.

“We can talk right here.” I closed the door and sat across from him. I felt safe knowing there was a solid wood table between us.

He sat down and slowly licked his lips as his eyes slid up and down my body. I rubbed my hands nervously as I waited for him to start talking. “How you been?”

“Fine.” I stood strong. I wasn't lookin' for small talk, only answers. Tariq sat there quietly, though, as if he needed me to ask about him. “And you?”

“Been good.” He stared at my wood table and said nothing else.

I breathed heavily and annoyed. “Talk to me, Tariq. Tell me what's up.”

He scratched under his chin and laid his hands flat on the table. I felt like a detective, and he was my criminal. He had committed the crime, and I was lookin' for details. No games. The real deal. “You wanted to know about my situation.”

“Your
marriage?
Yes, Tariq. I'm done chasing you down.”

“As much as I been blowin' you up, I been the one doin' the chasin'.”

“Why should I answer when you never have anything to say?”

He took a deep breath. “All right, Erin. My wife…” He paused. “I'm in a weird situation. She's the mother of my child. We thought gettin' married was the right thing to do at the time, but shit ain't work out. We went through hell before we got married. I should've known it was goin' end the way it did. I love my son. I'm there for my son, but…I'm not happy. I've asked for an annulment, a divorce, all that. She ain't havin' it. She swears we can work it out.”

“You expect me to be okay with you havin' a wife? Especially one who is committed to workin' things out wit' you.”

“There ain't shit to work out, not wit' us at least. Don't get me wrong. I ain't coming here tryna confess my love to you o' nothin', but I'd be lying if I ain't say you don't cross my mind—more often
than most women do.” He picked at his fingers and breathed deeply. “I'm feelin' you. It fucked wit' me when you tol' me you had a man. Shit came out of nowhere; I snapped. I ain't mean to disrespect you. I liked what we'd been doing, and I wanted to keep doing it.”

“I don't. I don't like sneakin' around and climbing down fire escapes. I like being in a real relationship with a man who cares about me.”

“I care about you.”

“You care about yourself. The only reason why you're finally discussin' your wife wit' me is because you're jealous of Louis, not because you care about me.”

“That's his name? Louis.” He chuckled. “I ain't jealous of no nigga named Louis. I don't like—”

“You don't like it when other men play wit' your toys. Let's be honest. That's all I was to you, a toy. You played with me when you were bored and discarded me when you wanted something else to play wit'. When you saw someone else playin' wit' me, you realized that you had some more playin' to do. Well, I'm done playin'. I want something real, Tariq. Not these games.”