Bad as in Good (20 page)

Tariq sat quietly for a while. Finally, he sighed loudly and sat back in his chair. “I ain't mean to make you feel that way. I mean, I like you. But, I'm in a fucked-up predicament.” He stood up and shrugged his shoulders. “Really, I wanted to apologize for disrespecting you. You got a man to give you what you need, and that's what's up. I can't give that to you.”

“You keep calling your marriage a
situation
or a predicament. It's not a situation, at least not to me it isn't. I was stupid for lettin' myself get pulled into it, but I can't let it go further. It's not right. I can't be the type of woman I am and continue dealing with a man like you. 'Cause you're right, you can't give me what I need. Damn sho' not in your
predicament.”

“Call it what you will, but at the end of the day, it's a problem. I like being with you, but this is something I've been dealing with before you and probably will after you. She's a problem I can't get rid of, a poison I can't eliminate. I know it's not easy for you, but it is what it is.”

“What do you even like about me, Tariq? Most of the time when we're together, we're not talkin'. Do you only like havin' sex with me?”

“I can respect you. There's not a lot of women I can respect. I mean, you actually care that I have a wife. Most women are down for the cause. And yeah, the sex with you is good too…real good.”

I hid my blush with an eye roll. “What type of women do you go after that would be okay being with a married man?”

He laughed hard. “Not women like you, I guess.”

I nodded and stood up. “Well, thanks. I appreciate you apologizing and bein' honest.” I expected an asshole with slick lines and a high libido. Instead, I got a Tariq who was apologetic and awkward.

“I guess I'll leave then. Ain't nothin' left for me to say.”

When we walked to the door, I couldn't allow myself to move away from him. He moved closer to me and breathed in my breaths. He reached behind me to open the door and my brain kept tellin' me to move out of his way, but he stared at my lips as if he were using mind control to pull me in. Like a lamb called to slaughter, I moved in closer to him as my body warmed. My skin felt flushed, and somehow I found my hand on his belt buckle.

Tariq sucked in his bottom lip as he stared down at mine. “I can't be the only one that feels what I feel every time I'm around you.” His voice was low, and I could feel its depth in the pit of my chest.

I kept tellin' myself to move away before we did something I'd regret later, but my mind went blank, and all I could see were his lips moving closer and closer to mine. We both jumped when there
was a knock at my door. I wanted to ignore it. We were both turn on, and I couldn't let something as stupid as a knock at my door stop us from fulfilling what my body ached for. Like a flood, memories of the plans I made with Louis came rushing back. I moved back and tried not to shiver when his palm grazed the small of my back.

“I have to answer that.”

He stepped back. I reluctantly pulled away and opened my door. When Louis's smile greeted me, I pulled him with a kiss that I almost gave to a man who wasn't worthy of it.

When we pulled apart, his smiled widened. “Hey, baby.”

After he walked in, he looked Tariq up and down and waved hello. “Who are you?”

“I'm a friend. I was about to leave, though.” As Tariq walked toward the doorway, I tried to avoid eye contact with Louis to hide my guilt.

Louis asked me, “This friend got a name?”

“I'm Riq. I came by to catch up wit' Erin, but I'm all caught up.” Tariq looked Louis over and disappeared down the hallway.

Once I shut the door, Louis met me with confusion and curiosity. “What was he doing here?”

“He stopped by. We haven't talked in a while.”

“You never mentioned a Riq before. Where do you know him from?” I wondered if he felt the heat that resonated in my apartment. I had to slip out of my sweatshirt to keep from gettin' faint.

“He, Loraine, and I were once mutual friends. Nothing serious. He's married, has a family. He was trying to catch up.”

The mention of Tariq's wife and kid seemed to calm Louis's suspicions. It didn't do much for the lump in my throat. There was definitely a side of me that wanted that kiss to happen, but there was that other side that was grateful for Louis's timing. Either
way, I spent most of my night with Louis in bed staring up at the ceiling, contemplating Tariq's hands touching me. The more I stared, the angrier I became as I reluctantly accepted Louis's warm embrace. I hated the effect Tariq had on me, even when I acted my role at showing how much it didn't. He was a married man, and dating him would violate the morals I spent all my young-hearted mistakes developing. Maybe the lack of discussions regarding his personal life made it easier to believe that there was a chance. When he walked into my apartment looking good enough to eat, lick, and suck, and told me the history of his marriage, he brought forth a reality that I secretly tried to avoid. Yeah, I told him I wanted to know, but no woman wants to know about the woman the man she thinks she loves is married to. Who would want to know about the family her
kinda
man has obligations to? It almost felt as if he were throwing his family in my face. Even though I asked him to and gave him the ultimatum And when he finally did, internally, I hated him for it.

When I exhaled, Louis squeezed my forearm as if to ask what was wrong. I lay silently for a while hoping he'd let it go. I kept my eyes closed and imagined sunlight. The sooner the sun rose, the easier it would be for me to get up and escape the conflicting emotions I imprisoned myself in. If this were a contest, Louis would win easily. But with one awkward moment, I was questioning the authenticity of a relationship that had been nothing but good to me.

“You okay?” I remained quiet and tried not to let the flurry of emotions running through my mind show on my face. I attempted to hush my thoughts; they were so loud it was surprising he hadn't said anything earlier. It was quiet for a while, and I felt him press his soft lips atop mine. I opened my eyes and smiled. “I knew you weren't 'sleep.”

I licked my lips and turned over to face him. “I was sleep.”

“Then why were you breathing so hard?”

I paused and sucked on my lips. “I didn't even know I was.”

Louis leaned in for another kiss. My first reaction was to turn my head; instead, I let it happen. I allowed his lips to find solace in mine, and I unsuccessfully shooed away ideas of Louis's lips being Tariq's instead. Secretly, I relived that brief moment between Tariq and me, and instead of Louis interrupting, our lips touched. With my back pressed up against the wall, Tariq slid his tongue between my lips and sucked on my tongue. In my mind, I wrapped my arms around Tariq's neck. I moaned while Tariq's palms gripped the cusp of my ass and released the juices that flowed between my inner thighs. Dizzy from my fantasies, I spread my legs and let Louis come in closer—I wanted to feel Louis's body pressed up against mine while I imagined that Tariq was mine alone. I sucked on the tip of Louis's tongue while my lips caressed his, and I arched my back silently begging him to enter. When Louis pinned my wrists back and slid out of his boxers, I envisioned Tariq's smile peering back at me. I smiled back and beckoned him to come hither, continue his mission, and to make me climax like only he could.

“Shit, I missed you,” I whispered.

“I did too,” Louis responded. In my imagination, I was still in that moment with Tariq with my back up against my wall and my legs straddled around Tariq's waist. When Louis pushed my panties to the side and then very slowly slid inside me, I dropped my head back and pictured Tariq kissing down my neck.

“I needed this,” I moaned as I cupped the back of his head, forcing him to dig into my skin as if he were searching for nourishment. “Don't stop.”

My body rocked back and forth, as he held my thighs apart and pulled them closer to him. As wet as I was, I slid off him with glorious
ease. Back and forth as I held on to my sheets. I was on a rollercoaster. I kept my eyes closed, threw my hands up, and tried to picture the location where I'd rather be—naked atop Tariq's sheets while he gave me more reasons to soil his mattress. “You never been this wet before…damn.” When he pulled out, I opened my eyes, delirious and infuriated at the same time. Yanking off my panties, Louis went back in and gave me another reason to moan. “I guess you really did need this.”

When my body trembled, I inched away from him, incapable of taking it all at once. He held on to my waist and pulled me closer to him. “Don't run from me.” When he pulled out again, I sat up on my elbows and watched him gradually make his way down to my pelvic bone. He kissed trails down my chest and stomach as if he were leaving breadcrumbs. With his face planted deep between my thighs, he worked his tongue around my lips like a serpent, gently kissing and sucking my labia as I clutched his dreads. My moans evolved as they went from silent coos to exasperated shrieks. When he sucked on my clitoris and twirled his tongue around, my eyes literally rolled to the back of my head. Three minutes later, like little tremors tickling every inch of me, I felt a rush of heat rip through my body as I dug my top row of teeth into the skin beneath my bottom lip and screamed in satisfaction. Still weak and vulnerable, he spread my legs wide and pushed in deeper than before. While I could barely move, and my voice was hoarse, I dug my nails into his back and groaned. It was a bittersweet emotion that I couldn't articulate, but I whispered his name, “Louis,” being sure not to slip and say
Tariq
like my subconscious tried to so many times before.

When he came, he grinned widely as we both collapsed and caught our breaths. “I wish you missed me like that more often.”

I faked a smirk as I continued my thoughts of a man that didn't belong to me. I'd never cheated before, and didn't plan to cheat, but the emotional fantasy I shared with my man made me feel guilty. I wanted to call someone and discuss the misdeed that transpired. Loraine should understand, especially after she had been sexing a man who emotionally abused her for so long. Then again, her man was single. I was sexing a man who pledged his relationship before God. I was breaking up a family; Loraine was revisiting an old one. It was best to keep it to myself. I held Louis's hand in mine and led him to the bathroom to cleanse ourselves of each other. I kept a fake smile to continue the charade. When he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder, I cringed—internally. Louis was good to me, and I hoped that our shower would refresh my memory and clear my head of the nonsense I imagined.

I
grew soft. When I caught Deja wit' another dude, I was strong. I was able to kick her out and change the locks without a glance back. She'd fill up my missed call log, and I'd clear my history with no remorse. With Simoné, I felt pity. I accepted her apologies and looked past her discretions. In the back of my mind, I realized there was more she hadn't told me, but somehow, I was drawn to her like moths to a flame. She burned me, and I couldn't help but get burned again. Things did get better, though. I stopped questioning her whereabouts and her shady behavior dissipated. My confidence in our relationship was unrelenting, and lucky for her, it blinded me.

I worked late a lot. Today, I needed to come home early. Thursday was my late day but I was tired. Employees were fuckin' up, and the last guy who had my job ain't know what he was doin'. I needed peace of mind, and I could find it at home wit' Simoné. Since I was never home early on a Thursday, I wasn't used to the afternoon air. It was thick and sat on my skin like a hand-knit sweater.

“Hey, Riq.” My neighbor walked out his front door wit' his toolbox. He popped the hood of his car and sat the toolbox down on the ground. “It's so hot out, ain't it?” He wiped his forehead and turned to his car without my response.

I nodded and stood at my front door, sure that I would be walking
into a home I was used to coming home to. My day was fucked, and I needed my woman to rejuvenate me. As sure as I was, I couldn't shake the muggy feeling left on my skin. The humidity sat on me as if it were tryna keep me away, warn me about what lay ahead. I ignored it. I unlocked the door and walked into an empty living room. Then, I heard the shower running.

I sat on my couch and slid off my shoes. As I loosened my tie, I pictured my neighbor working on his car. I could hear him bang out the dents in his car and grunt as the weight of the heat and hard labor bore down on his shoulders. At the same time, I winced when I heard the sound of the pipes rattling as the shower ran. I had to call a plumber, but Simoné didn't want to spend the money. With the sound of my neighbor's labor and the rattling pipes banging, my senses felt numb. Still, I was used to hearing it, so I paid it no mind. I stood up and walked to the bedroom.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
As hectic a day I had, my neighbor's car troubles and my rattling pipes were the least of my worries.

When I walked into the bedroom, I fixed the tussled covers on my bed and unbuttoned my shirt.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Whenever my neighbor got frustrated, he'd bang on his car in frustration and grunt in a booming fury. It often sounded like it was coming from inside my house. I took a deep breath and rubbed my temples. Unbuckling my pants, I opened the bathroom door to greet my woman.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
I had never heard my pipes rattle like that before. I dropped my pants to my ankles and wiped my face. The steam from the hot water hit my face like a slap. I looked into the shower.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Ooh, that feels good.” Simoné screamed out wit' her eyes closed and her hands banging into the shower wall. The nigga behind her stared down at the ass she threw back at him. His back bumped into the other side of the
cramped shower with each time she threw it back. He grunted loudly as he smacked her ass, held her hips, and pulled her to him.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
I pulled my pants back up and buckled them. The water was on full blast, and they couldn't hear me as I breathed through my mouth and squeezed my fists so tight my fingernails dug into my palms.