Bad News Cowboy (27 page)

But the rodeo had been the start of it. The start of wanting more. And once she had opened up that desire inside of herself, more had followed.

But no matter how well she protected herself, no matter how tightly she controlled her desires, she couldn't control life. She wouldn't be able to build a wall around Jack that contained them both, that kept them safe from everything.

It was easier to forget him. To curl up into a ball and find the bricks that had been destroyed by the shattering weeks with him and start to rebuild.

She had been blindsided by life too many times. Had felt like nothing more than a helpless little girl who was at the mercy of stronger forces. She had found ways to shield herself from that, and she had been stupid to forget them.

She could control herself. So she would.

CHAPTER TWENTY

T
HE
W
EST
RANCH
was one flipping fancy place. From the gated entry to the sprawling Spanish-style mansion and the top-notch boarding and riding facilities.

For one moment, one brief moment, Jack allowed himself to imagine what it might have been like to grow up here. To spend his days wandering across the manicured lawns before meandering idly down one of the paths that led to the stables.

But it was a very brief moment.

He hadn't grown up here. He'd grown up in a dirty, moldy trailer that had made his skin break out into a rash. Because even his mother had felt as though she had to pay homage to the mighty Wests by not even asking for the child support she was due. Well, he was done.

He was done being anyone's dirty secret. And if that meant becoming the dirty laundry spread out all over the yard, so be it. But he wasn't hiding. Not for anyone.

He made his way up the manicured walk and rapped the brass knocker against the door. Apparently, the place was too damned fancy for something as practical as a doorbell. And God forbid any of the invited guests tax their knuckles requesting entry.

He waited. And he realized that he had no guarantee of who might be behind the door when someone answered. If someone answered. It could be Sierra. Could be the older West daughter, Madison. Or one of the sons. The other sons. The ones who weren't him.

It could also be Nathan West's wife.

And he could be standing on the doorstep holding the final nail in the coffin of their marriage. It was hard to say.

Even if you are, it isn't because of anything you did. It's because she's married to a bastard.

A bastard who produced more bastards.

He heard footsteps on the other side of the door and his muscles tensed. Momentarily, nerves took over, and they were almost strong enough to blot out the pain that had been radiating around his heart since the moment Kate had rejected him. Almost.

The door opened. It was Madison, one of the Wests he'd had very little contact with. She was younger than he was by quite a bit, older than Kate or Sierra. She always looked like she was irritated to be wherever she was, her expression tight and restless. As though she was in far too much of a hurry to deal with whatever was in front of her.

She was looking at him like that right now.

“Is your father home?” he asked, just barely restraining himself from asking if
their
father was home.

She blinked slowly. Even her blink was bored of him. “He is. May I tell him who's here to—?”

The door opened wider behind Madison to reveal Nathan West. “Whatever you want to discuss, Mr. Monaghan, we can do so outside privately.”

“Fine with me,” Jack said, taking a step away from the threshold.

Nathan moved past his daughter, closed the door and led them a few paces away from the house. “Am I going to have to call the police on you?”

“I doubt it. You should know that the sheriff is one of my best friends. So.” At least, the sheriff had been one of his best friends. As it stood, Eli might arrest him cheerfully.

“What is it you want? We have an agreement.”

“That's actually what I'm here about. I'm here to release myself from that agreement.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. “There's cash in here. You can count it. It's the exact amount you gave me. It's my hush money. And I'm paying it back because I'm not going to be quiet anymore. And now you can't make me.” But it was different now. This was about freedom. He wouldn't be making more bids for attention, wouldn't ever care if Nathan West looked his way again.

Nathan's eyes blazed. “You can't do this. You're just going to walk around ruining my reputation? Ruining my family?”

“This may come as a shock to you but I have no desire to ruin you—” as he spoke the words, he realized they were true “—but I'm not going to pretend. I'm not going to hide. And I'm not going to owe you a debt. Now, I know I needed your money to get the start I got. Because frankly, growing up like I did, with nothing, it would have made getting to my position a whole lot harder, if not impossible. But I'll take the loan as my due, since you were able to dodge child support for the first eighteen years of my life. I'll consider it payment for keeping the secret all that time, for allowing you to stay married to a woman who probably has no idea what a jackass you are. For letting you keep your family intact while your kids grew up. You know, the kids you acknowledge. And now I owe you nothing. That's the most important thing I can think of.”

“Did you expect I would respect you for this? Because I don't,” Nathan said, sticking the envelope in his pocket. “I don't think much of anything about you.”

Jack waited for pain, for a sense of rejection. There was none of it. Nathan was just a man. An old man. And he might have been responsible for some of Jack's genetic material, but not for anything else. And now there was no debt between them. Whatever Jack wanted to do about their relationship, if he wanted to do anything at all, he wasn't bound by any sort of agreement.

“Did you expect me to cry when you said that, Dad?” Jack asked drily. “Because I promise you I won't. I'm going to go home, to my nice house. I'm going to figure out a way to win the woman I love, and when I do, I will treat her like a queen. I will stay faithful to her all my life. That's a lesson you taught me, whether you meant to or not. Because I've seen the other side of it. I will never be you. And I am glad of that. I know you think I should be proud that you're my dad, that you should be ashamed I'm your son. But nothing could be further from the truth. I may go on hiding the fact we're related because I'm ashamed of you.”

Jack turned away from the old man, not waiting for a response. And with every step he took, he felt as if he was shedding years of weight from his shoulders. And as he reached his truck, he felt as though a tether snapped between himself and his father. Whatever he owed him was settled. It was done.

And now he was going to make good on the promise he had just made to his father.

He was going to win Kate's heart. And when he did, he was going to do everything in his power to keep it.

* * *

T
HE
WAITING
ROOM
at the birthing center was filling up with friends. Where the Garretts were short on family, they didn't lack for support.

Kate was sitting next to Eli and Sadie, her fingertips biting into the pink patterned fabric that covered the arms of the waiting room chairs. She had underestimated just how terrifying Liss giving birth would be. Everyone around her seemed calm, firmly accepting that this was the normal order of things. That women had babies, and everything was fine. But Kate was terrified.

Because life wasn't always fine. And she knew it.

She couldn't fix it. She couldn't control it. Here in the waiting room, she was just a little girl, sitting on the step at the school, waiting for a father who would never show. At the mercy of the wind or life or whatever it was that saw fit to play so dangerously with her.

She hated this. She hated everything about it. Why was life so fucking scary?

It was so much easier when you didn't have all these people to love, all these opportunities to bleed.

Jack was just one more. And she just couldn't. She couldn't.

“Are you okay?” Eli asked, his tones hushed.

“Fine,” she lied.

“Connor told me a little bit about what happened with Jack,” Eli said, his voice measured.

She was almost relieved that he was asking about Jack instead of dredging up the deep brokenness that was in her. The screaming, knowing little fear beast that exposed her for the coward she was.

“He told you?”

“Yes. I had to talk him out of killing Monaghan, so you should be grateful he came to speak to me.” Eli paused for a moment. “Unless you want him dead.”

“I don't want him dead,” she said, her heart fluttering. “I don't even like to joke about that. We are kind of a lightning rod for crap, if you hadn't noticed.” The entire situation had set her on edge.

“Of course we're not going to kill him,” Eli said. “But I do have questions.”

Sadie's head appeared around her husband's shoulder as she leaned in, her expression keen.

“Obviously, Sadie has questions,” Kate said, her voice monotone.

“About a thousand,” Sadie said.

“There isn't anything to say. It happened. It's not happening now.”

“But how did it happen? Why did it happen? How long did it happen?” This was from Sadie, and Eli just sat there looking visibly uncomfortable.

“I don't think Eli wants the same level of detail you do,” Kate said.

“That is a fact.” This came from Eli.

“What happened?” Sadie asked, deciding to be more selective in her questioning, clearly.

“Things. Stuff and things,” Kate said. “I'm over it,” she lied.

Just then the thing she was most definitely not over walked into the waiting area, a fluorescent green visitor tag on his shirt.

Eli simply stared at him, not offering a greeting. Sadie looked from him to Kate, then did a noncommittal half wave.

Then Eli stood. “What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for everyone. Stopped by the Farm and Garden to see if Kate was there and was told you were all here. So now I'm here, too.”

“Nobody called you,” Eli said.

Guilt twisted Kate's internal organs. Because if not for her, him and all of the fallout, there would have been no question about him coming today. He had been friends with Connor and Liss for years, so of course he would have been here for this. She had ruined it. They had ruined it.

“I'm well aware nobody called me, Eli. But I'm here all the same. Because I'm not about to let something that happened between myself and your sister, who is an adult, by the way, keep me from supporting Connor through this. Liss is a friend, too. Why would I miss this? Just because you're pissed right now? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I would be mad in your situation, too, but I'm not sure you have the right to be. Kate makes her own decisions. She always has. There is no pushing her when she doesn't want to be pushed—you know that. I've recently had a reminder of that. She does what she wants. She knows her own mind. I didn't talk her into anything.”

Kate could barely tear her eyes off the ground to look at him, but even though it was hard, she did. “You should also know that Kate doesn't like being discussed like she's not here.”

“I didn't figure you were speaking to me,” he said.

“Well, I didn't figure you were speaking to me.”

“I went looking for you, didn't I?”

“Not sure why you would.”

“The little matter of being in love with you.”

Eli straightened a little bit at that. “What?”

“So you didn't hear about that part,” Jack said.

“No,” Eli responded.

“It doesn't matter. That shouldn't matter. And let's not discuss this now,” Kate said. “Better yet, let's not discuss this ever. Jack and I have said everything that needs to be said to each other, and the rest isn't your business.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, holding herself tight. Protecting herself. She would be tough.

But you aren't being brave.

Yeah, well, screw bravery. She didn't want to be brave.

She wanted to be safe.

Of course, Liss was in there giving birth, and Connor was in there trying to cope with that. The people around her seemed to refuse to climb into her little bubble and insulate themselves. And what could she do about that?

Then there was Jack, who was trying to tear it all open, expose her to the elements.

In this moment, she hated them all.

“I'll just go sit over there.” Jack turned away and went to a row of chairs that was unoccupied, then sat there resolutely, his arms crossed over his chest.

Her heart felt as though it was cracking open all over again. How did other people not see the faithfulness of Jack Monaghan? He was here. Even when he wasn't wanted. Here because it was right. That was how deeply he cared, how true his loyalty ran.

How could anyone think he was fickle? How could anyone think he was nothing more than bad blood? Even Liss had doubted him, and he was still here for her.

She would have been proud of him if she wasn't so irritated with the bastard.

Minutes stretched into hours. Kate got up from where she was sitting and walked down the hall toward the water and ice machine that was there for their use.

She heard heavy footsteps behind her and she didn't have to turn to figure out whose they were.

“What?”

“I want to talk to you,” Jack said.

“Not now,” she said.

“Fine. After.”

“Assuming everything is okay.”

“Of course everything is okay.” In spite of herself, she looked at him. “Everything is going to be fine.”

He could see straight through her; more to the point, she let him. She showed him her fear. She didn't know what it was about him that compelled her to do it.

“You don't know that,” she choked.

“I guess I don't,” he responded. “I guess we can never really know for sure. But without hope, what do you have, Katie?”

“Protection? Protection from disappointment.”

“Do you really think expecting bad things to happen makes bad things hurt less?”

She shook her head slowly. “I don't know. But all we can do is survive the best we can, right?”

He looked at her for a long moment, his blue eyes assessing. “I would have agreed with you not too long ago. But now I think maybe we should try for better than surviving. I think maybe we should try living.”