Baehrly Alive (13 page)

Even with my Magic at full power, it would have taken a miracle to heal him before he bled out.

Thank the gods and angels we had the water from the healing spring.

“Pour a little on the wound first,” I said, trying to keep the tremors out of my voice. The last thing Donovan needed to do right now was panic, and set his heart racing and his blood flowing even faster. “Then we can try to move the knife a little at a time, with the water. I’ll try to heal it, too… but I don’t know how much power I have.”

Donovan nodded. He looked a little white around the lips, but other than that, I wouldn’t have been able to tell that he was frightened. He pulled the stopper out of the healing water with his teeth and spat it out, letting it fall to the ground.

I’d worry about retrieving it later.

He sprinkled a little water on the cut, then a little more.

Nothing happened.

“What?” I demanded, trying to fight off hysteria. “It has to work! We came all this way for this stupid water and it stops working?”

“Goldie,” Donovan said softly. “Can you try to heal me?”

I gulped back a sob and nodded. I was so scared that my hands shook as I held them over the wound—and the knife. I pulled down into my Magic, scraping what I could from the edges and sides of my soul—there was so little to work with. I tried to dig down and tap into the Earth, but it evaded me.

I didn’t have enough power in me to call the power of the Earth to me.

I closed my eyes, praying for strength.

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t tell the man I loved more than anything that I didn’t have enough Magic to heal him.

That he was going to die.

Pain burst through my chest. I couldn’t bear it—Donovan couldn’t die! We had just found each other—just started our path together. I couldn’t lose him now.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

He knew.

That beautiful, peaceful face held the knowledge that this was hopeless. We were too far from any help—without any way to heal him. I could bind his leg and try to cauterize the wound, but we both knew that his chances were…

So very, very small.

We didn’t say anything to each other about it. I pulled my shirt off and made up a makeshift tourniquet, tightening it until Donovan bit his lip and grunted with pain.

“Swear, dammit,” I hissed at him. “It helps, believe me.”

“Shit,” he said calmly.

I let out a laugh that ended as a sob. I left the knife where it was—I wanted to get his leg elevated and him lying down before I tried to remove it—that would be the moment of truth.

I couldn’t let myself consider the possibilities. I had to focus on the now.

Focus on helping my husband.

I wished that I were taller. Donovan leaned his weight on me, but I was so short that I wasn’t much help. We sort of half-dragged, half-scooted him—inch by agonizing inch—toward the campsite.

He let out a gasp of relief as I leaned him back on our blankets.

I wanted to hold him, to kiss him all over his face and tell him that he was going to be fine.

Instead, I hovered over him, wondering what I should do. Should I try to cauterize the wound? It would be excruciating—if the shock didn’t kill him then infection might. But, if I didn’t—he would bleed out.

I tried to call my Magic up again. I screamed and railed at it, inside of myself, begging it to coming, begging to have even one portion of what I had been offered when I had destroyed the shades. Why had I just wasted my Magic like that? I knew better than to be unprepared.

Despite my tourniquet and the blade still remaining in his leg, blood was seeping at an alarming rate down Donovan’s leg. His jeans were already saturated and the blanket beneath him was starting to pool.

His face was so pale and white.

I saw the figure standing above him—the figure from the other night. He hadn’t been a dream after all. Dark and cloaked, he loomed over my love and reached out a hand.

“No,” I croaked, slapping the hand away.

Death turned toward me in shock and surprise.

“You can’t have him,” I said, tears rolling down my face. “You can’t take him. Please, you can’t do this to me.”

Donovan gasped for air, his eyes stared straight up—I wasn’t sure he could see anything at all. “Goldie,” he gasped.

I squeezed his hand. “I’m here, Donovan. I’m here. I’m not going to leave your side.”

“Love you,” he managed weakly.

A sob burst from my throat. “I love you, too. Don’t you dare die on me, Donovan! It’s not your time! You hang in there.”

A faint smile touched Donovan’s lips. “Been,” he gasped out painfully, “on borrowed time since I met you.”

Death reached his hand toward Donovan again and I leapt between them. “Please, no! You have to save him! You don’t have to take him. Take me instead—I’ll go with you willingly. Just… please,” I whimpered, cradling my husband’s hand to my chest, “please don’t take him. Take me. Please, just take me.”

Death seemed to hesitate.

“No,” Donovan muttered. His eyelids flickered. He was barely conscious now.

Death hesitated no longer. I screamed, I wailed, I threw myself at him, but nothing could stop him.

He hooked his finger and Donovan breathed one last time.

And I was alone.

I screamed. I raged. I threw myself across Donovan’s chest, pounding on him, pushing my breath into him, trying to force him to live again—as if by sheer will I could bring back what Death had stolen from me.

“I hate you!” I screamed, not knowing whether I was talking to Donovan or to Death. Death would have taken me instead—why did Donovan have to seal his own fate like that?

“I don’t accept this!” I shouted. “This is not the way it’s supposed to be. I am allowed to have a few moments of happiness in my life. You can’t just—take—everybody that I love.”

I buried my face in my hands, clawing at my face and hair as if physical pain might ease my anguish.

I was a healer and I was an Earth Witch. What good was any of that power when I couldn’t save the man whom I loved—when it mattered the most?

I should have been the one to die.

No, no.

Donovan was not dead. I wouldn’t let him be dead.

All of this was just a bad dream.

Oh, God, please let it be a bad dream.

I couldn’t leave him here, I couldn’t abandon him—I couldn’t bear to leave his side. I wrapped him in our blankets—the place where we had made love only hours ago—the place where he had died, forbidding me to go in his stead. I bound the blankets around him and rigged a harness.

There were other people fighting Death—other people I loved who I could still try to save. The spring water had failed me—but I still had the knife—still hanging in the pouch that I slid around my neck.

I couldn’t let them down.

I couldn’t let them die… too.

I would not leave him in the wilderness.

I would bring him home, though I would have to carry him every step of the way back to the portal that would take me home.

It was only fitting.

For I would carry the weight of the guilt of his death for the rest of my life.

Chapter Ten

I couldn’t remember what it felt like to exist in a world where every breath, every thought, every sunrise didn’t hurt.

I gave the mystical, ancient bone-knife to the healers and watched as they followed the ritual I had given them—I wouldn’t let my broken soul kill anyone else. They tested it on Gwyn—Thomas was too weak to survive the cleansing cut that the ritual required.

The blood looked dark against Gwyn’s pale skin. She had always been fair, but now she was practically transparent. The line of blood dripping down her arm into the basin the healer held stained a path across her skin.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw blood. More and more blood, and skin growing paler by the moment.

Cold, stiff lips that had been so warm.

Hands, lips, and eyes left without a soul to guide them.

Meaningless without him there.

I had to look away. I left the room, letting the healers do their job.

It failed, anyway.

Deep down, I must have known all along.

What a waste.

Donovan had given his life for nothing.

I couldn’t let despair take over—I wouldn’t let Death win. He might have stolen the man I loved out from under my nose—but he would not take Thomas and Gwyn—I would defeat him and he would suffer as he had forced me to suffer.

It was easier to be angry instead of sad.

I didn’t want to hear the condolences, the offerings of pity and attempts at comfort.

Donovan hadn’t died in a camping accident.

My Magic had killed him. It had refused to heal him.

Death had stolen him.

I would never forgive him for leaving me.

I didn’t even get to tell anyone that we had been married—that we had bound ourselves together in a holy place. It hurt too much to say the words.

I held our time together in secret in my heart.

And I cursed Death.

I dove back into my research—not just reading about the mysterious plague that was killing my family, but also anything I could find about Death—about defeating him.

About destroying him.

He had taken my father. Now, he had taken my husband.

I would have my revenge.

Some might think that Donovan tripping and landing on his own knife was a tragic accident.

But I didn’t believe in accidents. I didn’t believe in coincidence.

And Death had been hovering around, waiting for his chance to take my love away.

Well, Death had made the wrong enemy.

He would rue the day he had crossed me.

“I’m sorry about Donovan,” Kodi said quietly, leaning against the doorway into my library.

I stared at him blankly. Was he really? I wondered. Their friendship, if it could be called that, had been tenuous at best. Did he really mourn, or was he secretly relieved that his rival was gone.

“Go away,” I said. “I don’t have time for you right now. I need to save my brother.”

“Goldie, I’m on your side, you know that, don’t you?” Kodi walked around the desk to stand behind me.

I shifted away from him. “What part of busy do you not understand? The water and the knife didn’t work and I’m trying to figure out why. Plus, for some reason Death has it out for me and is trying to ruin my life.”

“Goldie.” Kodi grabbed my arms and forced me to look at him. “Do you know how crazy that sounds? Death isn’t out to get you.”

I jerked my wrists out of his grip. “Oh, yeah? Well, since when does Death make house calls before someone dies, huh? Or are you going to tell me he stakes out all of his victims.”

Kodi wrinkled his forehead.

“Goldie, I know you’re upset about Donovan, but—“

“Don’t say his name!” I shouted. I jabbed at Kodi’s chest with my finger. “Don’t you ever talk about him! You know nothing about him. You know nothing at all.” I hammered at his chest with my fists, not even realizing that I was hitting him as hard as I could. I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore—I just kept screaming at him, hitting him, and kicking him while molten tears rolled down my face.

He caught my fists in his hands. “Goldie.”

I looked up at him, unable to fight back the pain and the tears anymore. I collapsed against him, not caring if he saw me shatter into a million pieces. Why should I pretend to be fine? Who was I fooling? I couldn’t even breathe without remembering that Donovan was never going to draw another breath—never going to smile down at me again with that tender smile.

“I can’t,” I sobbed. “I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. I—I… Oh, God, Kodi—I wish it were me. It should have been me. It’s not fair. Please, make it go away.”

Kodi wrapped his arms around me until I was completely surrounded in solid walls of comfort, anchoring me, forcing me to breathe.

“It’s my fault,” I gasped. “It’s my fault that he’s dead—and it was all a waste. It was for nothing. I don’t understand, Kodi. Why? Why Donovan? He didn’t do anything wrong. If anyone should have died, it should have been me. I wish I were dead, Kodi… I wish…”

Kodi clamped a hand down over my mouth. “I will listen to you when you need me to—I will let you hit me and scream at me—but I will not let you talk like that. Donovan would have hated it as much as I do. Do you think he would have wanted you to die instead of him?”

I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but how could I? Donovan’s last breath had been spent forbidding me to take his place.

“It hurts,” I whispered.

“I know, sweetie,” Kodi said, folding me back into his arms. “You have a broken heart—there’s no pain worse than that.”