Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose (16 page)

Another key for our marriage is that Val and I regard each other as higher than ourselves. In other words, I have to put Val on a pedestal and treat him like royalty, even if he doesn’t always deserve it. And he doesn’t, trust me (just as I don’t always deserve the love and respect with which he treats me). But I listen to Val and he listens to me. We don’t always get it right, but we try to pay attention to the details. What are his likes and dislikes? What’s important to him that might not be important to me? Do I still honor him by doing those things or putting an importance on them? Do I smile at him and make an effort to kiss him each morning and evening? Do I tell him I love him often? How
should
I tell him—or show him—I love and respect him?

Each person’s love language is different, and it helps immensely to know what your spouse’s love language is. If you’re not familiar with what I’m talking about, I highly recommend the book
The Five Love Languages
by Gary Chapman. It’s a wonderful tool in helping decode what makes your spouse (and children) feel most loved. Just don’t be surprised if your spouse’s love language is totally different from yours.

The final key for a healthy marriage is prayer. In fact, I believe prayer is the most important way to keep a marriage balanced. I pray for Val every day. I really do. I pray for him specifically in ways I’d love to see God work in his life. And no, I don’t pray that God changes him to be the way I want him to be, but I pray that he will grow and become more mature in the qualities and characteristics that God has already given him. I want him to become more and more the man that God intended him to be, just like I want to become more and more the woman that God has intended me to be.

Each day I pray for a strengthened marriage and for a wonderful physical intimacy. I ask God to give us a union that will stand the test of time, that with each trial we face it would only strengthen our already tight bond. I pray that our love will continue to grow together as we grow as people. I pray that Val will have a compassionate heart for others, that he will have a constant thirst for God, and that he will be a strong spiritual leader for our family. To me, nothing is sexier than a man who honors God. There are many other things that I pray for, and when I write a book about prayer someday I’ll tell you all about them.

A Biblical Marriage

If your marriage is not where you would like it to be, I encourage you to try some of the principles I just described. And you know what? I didn’t make them up. They came straight from the Bible.

Yes, the Bible tells married people to have sex . . . and lots of it. First Corinthians 7:3–5 says, “A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (
hcsb
). Sex in marriage is good, my friends! In fact, it is commanded.

God’s Word also has much to say about putting others’ needs and desires before your own. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” I love that this verse tells it like it is. God knows that we’re all tempted to be selfish and conceited and that we want
our
needs to be met. But we actually find that we will be more fulfilled and blessed when we put someone else’s needs before our own. We often do this for our kids, but it’s imperative that we also do it with our spouses.

It comes as no surprise that the Bible tells us to pray. In fact, 1 Thessalonians 5:17 commands us to “pray without ceasing.” What? How is that possible? I don’t think it means we have to pray every single minute of every day, but that we should make a habit of prayer. Make a practice of praying for your spouse. You can’t imagine what might happen when you do.

I truly attribute the strength of my marriage to the Lord. Val and I strive to live our lives according to what God’s Word has to say about marriage. We find that when we live by those principles, our relationship just works. We still disagree sometimes and have our problems, but when conflicts arise, we resolve them by going to the Bible. We approach things biblically so that God will be pleased with each of us and with our marriage. It’s all about us being the people God wants us to be individually and as a couple.

Chapter 14

Smells Like Teen Spirit

These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

—Deuteronomy 6:6–7 (hcsb)

N
ot long ago, Natasha had a Socratic seminar question in theology class about whether or not certain things were sins. The issues they debated included things such as abortion, lying, pride, eating fast food, getting tattoos, and suicide. Natasha and I agreed on all but three of the thirty issues. While discussing one of the actions on which we had disagreed, Natasha responded with a line of thinking that was based on biblical teaching. She took broad biblical principles and then applied them to a situation. I realized that she wasn’t being driven by emotion, she was drawing conclusions based upon what she had been taught at home and church about what the Bible says. Even though she had drawn a different conclusion about the application of that principle than I had, I was thrilled because of how she came to the conclusion.

I use this as a demonstration to say:
They’re listening to you!
I was so proud of my daughter for forming her opinion about one of life’s big questions from a biblical perspective, and I knew then that not everything I say goes in one ear and out the other despite her regular fingers-in-ears, “Lalala, I’m not listening to you” attitude.

Do you ever feel like your kids don’t learn anything from what you say or try to teach them? I do, on a daily basis! Proverbs 1:8 says, “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction, and don’t reject your mother’s teaching” (
hcsb
). I think this is fantastic advice, but I often feel like my kids are not on the same page as the writer of Proverbs. However, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t strive to keep teaching my kids. If God wants my kids to listen to and learn from their parents, that means we need to keep instructing them, no matter what. I think God helps me along with that by occasionally reminding me that they are listening and—more important—learning. And sometimes I even learn from them, as the story above illustrates.

As I write this, I have two teenage kids and one preteen. Being the mother to two teenagers (one of whom is a
girl
) is one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my life. We all know how much things change from generation to generation. Today’s world is very different than it was when I was growing up in the 1980s and early ’90s, mostly due to technology. Some things stay the same—like teenage girl drama—but everything is so much more public, immediate, and easily accessible these days. It’s hard to know how to handle it all.

I have very similar desires for my kids that my parents had for me. I want them to be good, upstanding citizens. I want them to be kind and compassionate. I want them to put others’ needs before their own. And I want them to love and serve God. Are they going to learn those things on their own? To some extent, possibly, but for the most part, Val and I need to teach them both by word and by example. We also need to establish rules and boundaries both to keep them safe and to teach them to live godly lives.

Boundaries of Love

In my family, boundaries are the name of the game when it comes to guiding my kids along the right path. My parents set them for me as a teenager, and I definitely set them for my own kids. I find that as my kids get older I have to be more creative in how I discipline them and love them. No teenager likes it when you set limits for them, but we have to do it because we love them.

I know my kids would agree with me that I’m a tough mom, because they’ve told me so. While I don’t think I’m the toughest out there (they never know how good they’ve got it!), I hope I balance that toughness with plenty of love and affection. The rules and boundaries Val and I have put into place are there for our kids’ best interests. I see them as a sign of love, even though teenagers—and even some parents—might not view them that way at all. If I want my kids to learn how to live balanced lives, I need to set limits and parameters in place to help them. If kids didn’t have rules, most of them would undoubtedly live out-of-control lives—subsisting on junk food, spending their days sitting on the couch playing video games or staring at the computer, and having no respect for parents, teachers, bosses, government, and all other authority figures. In my mind, boundaries are the foundation for love and balance.

So in which areas of our kids’ lives do Val and I set boundaries? All of them! Sure, the lines move as the kids get older. Their needs and desires and propensities all evolve over the years, and our parenting techniques and the rules we set must change with them, though that’s not always easy. Plus, having kids with three very different personalities makes it even harder because there’s no one formula that works for all of them. Different approaches work for each child, so we have to find the right methods that each of them will respond to. That’s definitely challenging, but as parents we must always be up for a challenge! If you go into parenting prepared, knowing that certain stages will be especially taxing, then you won’t be surprised when they arise. You’ll have on your armor and will be ready to go!

One of the areas in which twenty-first-century parents nearly always have trouble with setting parameters is with technology and social media. Since we didn’t have much more than a portable CD player, Super Mario Bros., MTV, great family shows like
The Cosby Show
and reruns of
Happy Days,
and possibly a personal phone line in our bedrooms, we can’t really look at our parents’ example to try to figure out how to deal with our own kids when it comes to smart phones, tablet computers, computer use, the Internet, risqué TV shows on 800+ channels, and much, much more. In our house, we seem to be constantly modifying our boundaries concerning these issues as the kids get older and the technology changes.

I don’t have any secret info to share that addresses or solves all of these issues in an instant, but like any mom, I read up on the latest books, talk with other like-minded parents to hear their views, and sit in on parenting conferences at my children’s schools about technology use, drug use, and sexual integrity. I also look for trusted family resources and conferences in my area that are geared towards teens on these subjects.

A few of our family rules have been: the kids can get a cell phone—not a smart phone—at age thirteen and can sign up for social media profiles on sites like Facebook, Keek, and Instagram. Lev did get an account a few months before turning thirteen, which I allowed because his maturity level was different than Natasha’s at the time. Also, I limit the amount of profiles they have on social networking sites, and Twitter isn’t an option. That’s not because it’s bad, but because I don’t see the point for a child. I monitor their pages as well as having full access to them. If there is inappropriate content or language after three warnings, or I discover they’re keeping secrets from me, the account gets deleted. Natasha’s photo rules include no puckered lips or posed bathing suit pictures. Remember, we live at the beach, which means this is a constant concern as so many of her friends post photos with each other in their bikinis, even though most of them are just being playful, not intentionally sexy. I’m also an online “friend” with as many of my kids’ friends as will accept me. This helps me form a better opinion of the people my kids want to hang out with and what those kids are like outside of parental supervision. This is one of those areas where balance is guided by boundaries, which is all informed by knowledge. We have to understand the temptations as well as what our kids’ friends are like in order to set appropriate boundaries and balance.

I also monitor the kids’ music (no explicit versions allowed) and have privacy settings on all our TVs. Only Val and I have the passcode for any shows rated PG-13 and over. We want to instill positive and godly values in our kids at a young age, so that they will be able to make good decisions as they grow and mature. That means we need to have a balance between rules and trust. As the kids get older the balance will tip more toward the trust side . . . that’s the goal, anyway!

Val and I also have boundaries when it comes to our kids’ health. We’ve been teaching them how to treat their bodies well by eating wholesome and nutritious foods and exercising. There are foods we do not buy or allow the kids to eat (at least on a regular basis), and we expect them to be physically active either by participating in sports or by jogging or working out. As I’ve said before, we know that the healthier our kids are, the more opportunities they’ll have to do the things they want to do as they get older. It’s also another way to teach commitment and discipline within ourselves. Val and I do our best to model that for them in our lives too.

We have more rules when it comes to friends and sleepovers, the clothes they wear, and their hygiene. They need to learn to fulfill their roles as students with homework and studies. They also must fulfill home obligations with chores such as keeping their rooms and bathrooms clean, doing laundry, helping cook meals, taking out the trash, doing dishes, and walking and feeding the dog. Val and I have also put boundaries in place regarding attitudes, talking or acting disrespectfully, and lying.

What do we do when one of the kids challenges a boundary or steps over the line? In a nutshell, we discipline them. When they were young, we would give them a spank on the bottom with instruction in love and prayer. As they have gotten older, we take away items or privileges like phones, TV time, computer time, or hang-out time with friends. Recently, we couldn’t seem to find anything that was effective for Natasha, so I did what any mother of a fifteen-year-old girl would do. I took away all her clothes, shoes, and accessories and left her with one pair of tennis shoes, one pair of jeans, one pair of workout shorts, two T-shirts, underwear, socks, and one set of pajamas. I dropped off three extra-large garbage bags full of clothes, shoes, and jewelry at my neighbor’s house so she could store them until Natasha earned her stuff back. It took a few months, but she did! There are plenty of books out there to help you find creative ways to discipline your children, so do a little research if you’re struggling.