Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose (6 page)

The two of us have always spent time together whenever we can, even when we’ve lived in different countries. We’ve always made it a point to fly to see each other on our birthdays and any time either of us was able to make an extra trip just to hang out, we would. And now that we’re both back in L.A., she’s my wing-girl for all Hollywood parties and events since Val isn’t into people-watching and celebrity-sighting nearly as much as we are! Talk about two giddy thirty-something-year-olds; you’d think we were at a NKOTB concert all the time!

Dilini is also happy to be a third wheel at times when it’s just me and Val, and I’m so thankful that the two of them love each other and get along so well. She spends a lot of time with my whole family, and she is faithful to attend my kids’ birthday parties, hockey games, plays, and anything else that is important to us. Dilini is a familiar face to anyone in my circles and everyone just kind of expects her to be where my family is, and I love that. For me, the best part about her is the listening ear she provides when this girl just needs to vent. She is truly like a sister to me.

Differences Make the World Go ’Round

When it comes to friendships, it’s a must to have things in common, but I think your differences are just as important. Dilini and I love and appreciate each other for both our similarities and our differences. When friends can complement each other and challenge each other, that gives both people a chance to grow.

One way that Dilini and I complement each other is through our personalities. In new environments or situations, she’s more outgoing and I’m more introverted, although I’ve come a long way. If we’re at a party, she wants to interact with people and get into conversations, but I tend to clam up. So she’ll challenge me to be bold and chat with people instead of just sitting in a corner. I could people-watch all night, but at the end of the evening, that’s not nearly as satisfying as meeting new people, having great conversations, and getting an occasional picture with someone I admire.

I think you’d probably agree with me that honesty is perhaps the single most important factor in any relationship. Dilini and I are always 100 percent honest with each other, and I think that’s the biggest reason why our friendship works. In twenty-two years we’ve never had a fight with each other, and I chalk that up to honesty. We consider each other’s feelings, and if at times either of us is unintentionally insensitive, we immediately call it out and work through it. Nothing festers, and bitterness isn’t allowed to sneak in. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Did you know it comes from the Bible? You can find it in Ephesians 4:26.) Many people only apply that rule to their spouse, but I think it’s a great principle to live by when it comes to anyone—including friends. In fact, I think a lot of anger can actually be avoided if we just talk through things before they get to that point.

Many of you will be surprised to know that Dilini and I do not share the same faith or political convictions. I am a conservative evangelical Christian, and she is a Buddhist and conservative liberal. We respect each other’s differences and don’t try to argue, debate, or persuade each other to our views and beliefs in a demeaning or disgruntled way. We share and discuss respectfully. As we both evolve as people in life, faith, and circumstances, we keep sharing and discussing even if we know we won’t see eye to eye on everything. I don’t stop talking to her about my faith and love for Jesus just because she doesn’t put her faith in Him, but I also don’t shove my views down her throat, nor does she do that to me.

Please understand that I do think it is important to have friends that share my faith, and I have plenty of those. But I think we also need to be friends with people who think differently than we do. It gives us a bigger view of the world, it helps us to understand different sides of an issue, and it also gives us opportunities to really figure out what we believe. After all, Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” We would never grow if we didn’t have anyone to challenge us. When we have strong friendships with people that we disagree with on some of the big issues in life, we can’t ignore those issues. It forces us to put words (and ultimately actions) to our beliefs. And when it comes down to it, if we were to only be friends with people who hold the exact same beliefs or opinions as we do on everything, none of us would have any friends.

True Friends

Dilini is and always has been a true friend to me. People have different opinions about what makes a true friend, but I think the Bible says it best. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times.” True friends accept you unconditionally. They stick by you through thick and thin and don’t give up on you when the going gets rough. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). A true friend’s love is sacrificial; she is unselfish and considers what she can do for you.

If you have one or more true friends that accept you unconditionally, sacrificially, and unselfishly, and are there to lift you up when you fall, I am thrilled for you! But I’m guessing some of you may not have that kind of friend right now. Sometimes the craziness of life gets in the way and friendships have fallen by the wayside, or circumstances like a recent move or divorce haven’t allowed you to find the confidant you’re looking for. It’s not uncommon for women to have phases in life when we don’t have many, if any, close friends. If that’s you, I want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to make friendships a priority. Pray that God will provide some true friends, and then put yourself out there.

Over the years, Dilini and many other friends have been great encouragers and have lifted me up when I’ve fallen. I can’t count the times that one of them has been there for me when I’ve needed her. If there ever was a time I needed a friend but didn’t get the help I wanted, it’s simply because I didn’t ask for it. It’s comforting to have a few special friends in life that you know will always be there for you.

Balancing Friendship

As you think about what it looks like to maintain balance in your life, I want to encourage you to evaluate your friendships. Do you have at least one good friend who you can trust? Do you have friends who share your faith and values? Do you also have friends who help you to understand and respect other viewpoints? These are all areas of balance that you can see I’ve gotten through friendship. I’ve focused here on my friendship with Dilini, as she’s my best friend and she is instrumental in helping me stay balanced. But if you read my book
Reshaping It All,
you probably remember me talking about my friend Mandy and her family. They are also great friends and contribute a lot to my ability to balance my life.

I have found that friendships are not only crucial to balance, they are one of the most natural ways we find balance. Once you take the intentional step to make time for friendships in the midst of everything else you are balancing, you will discover that the sounding board of a good friend is a great benefit to helping balance the opportunities, priorities, and challenges of life. In fact, this represents one of the key lessons about balance I’ve learned in my life—although it takes time to invest in relationships, healthy relationships contribute to your life in such a way that you can do
more
with them than you could without them! This is true of marriage, parenting, friendships, and certainly a relationship with God.

As you read about my relationship with Dilini, you may have thought of your best friend. If this is true for you, let me encourage you to write a quick text or e-mail (thankfully, you don’t have to fax!) to your best friend and thank her for all the ways she helps balance out your life. Or maybe you struggled through this chapter because you realized that you don’t have a friendship like this, but really want one. Perhaps you can think of an acquaintance or old friend with whom you would like to spend more time. All friendships take someone stepping out to strengthen the relationship. Reach out and invite the person who comes to mind to coffee or over for dinner. I hope that this small step will lead to a friendship as strong and long as mine with Dilini—remember, ours started with a brief phone call and look where we are decades later!

Chapter 5

Are We Having Fun Yet?

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

—Proverbs 17:22

Y
ou know how they say that work doesn’t feel like work if you’re passionate about it? That’s how I feel about making movies and television. I love acting so much and I’m in one of my happiest places when I’m on set. I recently filmed an Up Network movie called
Finding Normal
in Columbia, Louisiana, and I had an absolute blast. Not only was the atmosphere on set lighthearted despite the unfortunate weather, but I don’t know that I can recall more impromptu Bon Jovi songs, Carlton Banks-style dance moves, and flat-out corny jokes while making a movie. I laughed so hard that I howled through tears, hunched over and holding my stomach because it hurt so much. If you didn’t know already, I’m a self-proclaimed goofball and “silly” is my middle name. I’m not gonna lie, there was karaoke each Friday night and I sang my heart out to every
Grease
song on the soundtrack. Please, if you were there or have videos, I don’t want to see them!

Since I routinely have a great time both at work and at home, it amazes me that so many people often forget to keep fun on their list of priorities. Think for a minute about the last time you broke out in laughter. Was it sometime today, or was it a long time ago? If you don’t instinctively have fun throughout your life, I want to encourage you to start planning your own entertainment by doing things and being around people that make you happy. Eventually you won’t have to plan it anymore. It will just happen!

We must remember to find merriment on a regular basis, whether it’s a planned event or just playing a spontaneous game with your kids. When we have fun, it puts us in a better mood, we smile, and typically we become more positive about things. And, for a while, we might even forget about the hardships in our lives and simply enjoy living. Take a look at the word
enjoy
for a moment. What’s the word within that word? Joy! Proverbs 17:22 says that “a joyful heart is good medicine.” I agree. When we enjoy life, it changes our hearts and our lives. It simply makes us feel better.

Of course, there are times and seasons in life when some people tend to put too much of an emphasis on having a good time, at the expense of something more important. Anyone reading this who has failed a class because of having too much “fun” on nights and weekends knows exactly what I’m talking about. (Your parents do too!) Or maybe you’ve fallen behind on work obligations because sometimes staying out late with your girlfriends just feels like a better idea. It’s definitely possible to get sidetracked and neglect your family, job, education, or other priorities due to focusing too much on having a good time. But for the most part, adults—especially busy moms—tend to live dull, boring lives because we’re so worried about sticking to the schedule and checking off everything on our to-do list each day. We can quickly get overwhelmed and feel weighed down.

I realize that in the craziness of life sometimes it seems making room for joy should be the first thing to go when you simply don’t have enough time for everything. But when you consider that you can actually have fun while doing the other “important” things, it brings a different perspective. Sneak some amusement into family meal times by playing a board game during dessert or use a crazy accent or a goofy voice when you read books to your kids. (As a side note, embarrassing my teens gives me great joy and the best laughs. How many times have I heard Natasha say to me, “Mom! You
cannot
say the words
cray cray
. It’s just
wrong
!”) And if you don’t have kids, schedule that dinner date with your hubby and enjoy some alone time. Bring in an unexpected treat for your coworkers and enjoy the smiles. Call your best friend and go for a bike ride. Involve as many people in your fun as you can. They’ll more than likely thank you for it.

Having a Blast

During my
Full House
days I greatly benefited from other people bringing fun into my life. Working forty-plus hours a week is definitely not a typical lifestyle for a teenager, so I’m glad the people around me made sure I enjoyed myself while I was on the job.

In addition to rehearsing and taping the show, I did a lot of public appearances on weekends, which was often a tiring experience due to the logistics and long days. I enjoyed meeting fans and signing autographs. It was cool to hear their stories and see their smiles when they saw or met me.

For the most part, my appearances went smoothly, but there were a few that didn’t. There was one signing I will never forget. A mall in Canada had prepared for between 3,000 and 5,000 people to show up to see me. Instead, nearly 20,000 fans came. Cars were parked everywhere, including along the highway exit ramps. Due to the miscalculation of numbers, there weren’t enough security officers on duty. It was a madhouse and there was no way I could have signed autographs for that many people. It simply wasn’t physically possible. Even worse, they didn’t have the manpower or preparation to corral that many people in an orderly and smooth fashion. I stayed a few hours after the official ending time of the signing to get to as many people as possible, but eventually security simply had to get me out of there in order to control the chaos. Disappointing so many people made my heart sink.

Though he couldn’t control everything, my manager Jonathan (Mom had moved on to agenting by then) was brilliant when it came to making public appearances enjoyable for me. He would come up with a theme for the year, so I would have something to look forward to in each city. He was a huge Cleveland Browns fan, and I jumped on the bandwagon, so one year we scheduled my entire appearance schedule based on where the Browns were playing. I would do my appearance on a Saturday, and then we’d watch the game on Sunday. I’m still a Browns fan to this day because of that. (Go Dawgs! Woof!) Another year we scheduled my appearances in cities that had theme parks. Our goal was to determine which one had the best roller coasters.