Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose (9 page)

I wasn’t, however, ready to tell my parents about the engagement immediately. Dad had only met Val one time—when Val and I had pizza the day after we met. Mom had only seen him one more time when one of my events coincided with one of his hockey games in Washington, D.C. I felt a little guilty that my parents didn’t know my fiancé. I didn’t want to tell them over the phone, so I decided to wait until we got home just a few days later and tell them over dinner. Thankfully, after the initial shock, they took the news well.

Marrying young didn’t make me nervous. My mom was nineteen when she married, my brother was twenty when he got married, and we have a history of long-term marriage in our family. My parents have been married more than forty-four years, my dad’s parents were married more than sixty-five years, and my mom’s parents have been married more than sixty-seven years!

So age wasn’t a factor when Val and I decided to get married. I felt like I had lived a whole lot of life in my mere nineteen years, and Val, too, was mature for his age of twenty-one. He wasn’t into the typical twenties party scene; he was ready to start a family and have a wife and kids to come home to after he was on the road playing hockey. Some people assume that I got married young because of my Christian faith and was “waiting” to have sex until I was married, since years earlier I had professed I would do so. But the truth was, my relationship with God was the last thing on my mind and I had no problem living with Val—despite my parents’ disappointment—for a year before we got married.

I had no idea that Val was going to propose that day or even while we were on that trip. After a few months of dating he had told me he really loved me and was going to get a ring, but I thought he was joking. It turns out that he really did buy the ring after just a few months and was waiting for that trip to pop the question. We had never really talked about marriage until he asked me to marry him on that starry Parisian night.

I, Candace, Take You, Val

On the morning of June 22, 1996, my mom, attendants, and I headed to my hairdresser’s salon to get ready for my big day. Dilini, of course, was my maid of honor. My sisters and friend Shelene served as bridesmaids. We spent all day primping at the Jim Wayne Salon and then hopped into a limo to head to the church to get dressed. Meanwhile, Val and his best man, brother Pavel, were off playing tennis, arriving at the church just minutes before the ceremony started. They didn’t have time to take proper photos together, so the only photo we have of them together was of them drinking smoothies in the alley behind the church. Way to go, guys!

The wedding was held at the church in Van Nuys, California, where I had attended in my later teen years. Val liked the stained glass windows because they reminded him of the more traditional churches that he was used to in Russia. He actually didn’t care if we were married in a church or not, but it was super important to me, even though my faith wasn’t a top priority at the time.

When my dad walked me down the aisle, we couldn’t look at each other because he was already crying before it even started and I didn’t want to be a mess before I got to the altar. Val and I said our vows in front of 120 family members and friends (including most of my
Full House
family). Val’s immediate family was there, but some Russian guests were unsuccessful with getting visas to attend, which was a disappointment. As a result, most of the guests were my own friends and family, most of whom had never even met Val. We exchanged rings, listened to Mark Cohn’s “True Companion,” and I jumped up and down and squealed in excitement when the pastor pronounced us husband and wife. Then we headed off to our reception at the Sherwood Country Club in Westlake, where we ate, danced, and enjoyed spending time with our guests.

Our wedding was simple by today’s standards, but it was perfect. Even though we were both financially secure and held some celeb status, we had no desire to be extravagant. Val didn’t care much about the actual wedding day festivities because they weren’t celebrated the same way in Russia, so we decided to set a reasonable budget for our special day.

Val did, however, want to be involved in the planning and help make each decision. We had hired a wedding coordinator, but she was mostly just there for the day of the event, not to help me plan it. I did it all myself, not because I’m a control freak, but because my dad had always taught me to do things for myself, and my wedding was no exception. I did forget to do one thing that I wish I had done—providing a small gift for each guest at the reception tables. But other than that, I think I did a pretty good job! So I did the planning, and Val definitely had an opinion about everything. Thankfully he was fine with me just narrowing everything down to a couple of choices, and then we would make the final decision together.

A Respectful Balance

Making wedding decisions with Val was my first glimpse into how our relationship would work in terms of life together as husband and wife. For the first time I saw my future husband’s leadership role in our family. It always made me chuckle that he wanted to be part of every decision for a ceremony he really didn’t care much about.

Val even had an opinion about our personalized thank-you cards. He didn’t think it was right for my name to be first on the cards. He fought for his name first, thinking that since he was the man of the house, it should read: Valeri and Candace Bure. So we got into an etiquette discussion with our wedding coordinator, and she guided us to eventually come to a compromise of ordering half of the cards with his name first and the other half with my name first, regardless of which way was right. The funny part of it was that he didn’t intend on writing any of the cards himself; that was my job. I sent all of his family and friends’ thank-you notes on the cards with his name first.

I really appreciated the coordinator’s advice to meet in the middle, and there have been a string of those decisions in our lives together. Some would call it an ego issue, but I saw it as my initial lesson in making my husband feel respected, even with something as “small” as a thank-you card. It was one of the first examples of how I showed the world that my husband is my priority in our relationship. People talk about marriage being a 50-50 give-and-take situation, but it’s more than that. It’s more than compromise. It’s about giving 100 percent, finding your role in that relationship and honoring all aspects of it.

My husband is a natural-born leader. I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work. I had watched my parents’ relationship over the years and had seen their example of doing what needed to be done to make the marriage work. I knew I needed to do whatever it took to stay in sync with Val and not build any bitterness because of our equally strong personalities.

Before the hair on your neck stands up straight, don’t think for a second that I get walked all over. I don’t. I have always firmly voiced my opinion, but when it comes down to us ultimately not agreeing on something, I submit to his leadership. That decision to submit originally had nothing to do with my Christian faith, because it wasn’t strong at the time. But once I started understanding marriage from a biblical perspective it all made sense. I now recognize that I do all things in my marriage for the Lord. He is my ultimate priority, and I honor God when I honor my husband, whether or not Val deserves my honor or respect at the time.

The Bible is very clear about what husbands and wives should strive toward in their relationship. Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let each [husband] love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Is that always an easy thing to do? No, it’s not easy from either person’s perspective. But it is vastly important. When a man feels like his wife doesn’t respect him, it basically makes him feel like he’s a failure or less of a man. A man desires his wife’s respect just as much as a woman desires her husband’s love. The way I think about it is this: When I don’t show respect to my husband, he feels the same way I do when he doesn’t show love to me. On the other hand, when I
do
show him respect, his emotional reaction is the same as mine is when he shows me I’m the love of his life. That is great motivation for me to respect my husband.

As husband and wife, Val and I are “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). We are no longer two people, but one. With this in mind, it only stands to reason that our relationship should be the most important relationship we have with anyone other than God. Keeping that relationship strong and healthy is of vast importance, and I know that respecting Val is the best way I can make sure that happens. And, in turn, he realizes that he needs to love me unconditionally.

I know that if my husband ends his day feeling disrespected because of something I did or didn’t do, then my priorities in marriage are out of line and things are seriously out of balance. That means I need to take a step back and reevaluate what is most important to me. Is it more important for me to be “right” or “get the last word” or simply do what I want to do regardless of his feelings or input, or is it more important for my husband to feel cherished and respected? There are definitely times when I choose my own needs above Val’s, but in the end, I know that I must put him first.

Showing respect to Val has to be my top priority in my marriage. I am glad I learned this principle early, because I know it has saved us a lot of heartache over the years. I do still fail at times, and when I do, Val forgives me and so does God. I’m so grateful that both my husband and my heavenly Father give me second (and third . . . and hundredth) chances.

This issue of respect in marriage might be a new concept for some of you. If it is, I want to challenge you to try it. I can’t promise that it will solve all of your problems, but I can tell you that it can go a long way toward strengthening your relationship. In fact, it may just be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage.

Chapter 8

Oh, Canada

“Rebekah is here in front of you. Take her and go, and let her be a wife for your master’s son, just as the L
ord
has spoken.” . . . Then Rebekah and her female servants got up, mounted the camels, and followed the man.

—Genesis 24:51, 61 (hcsb)

I
magine being in love and marrying your dream man in front of friends and family and being so excited about what the future will bring. Do you see it? Maybe you’ve already been there or are still looking forward to that day. Now imagine life a few months later. You’re still married to your dream man, but things aren’t quite as exciting. After living in the same place your entire life, you now live in a different country. Your friends and family members and the only life you’ve ever known are all thousands of miles away. That dream husband is still dreamy, but his job takes him away from home several nights a week for much of the year. You’ve worked for fifteen years, and all of a sudden you don’t have a job. You don’t feel like you fit in with your husband’s coworkers’ wives. You’re lonely and a bit depressed, and so what do you do? Well, if you’re me, you sit on the couch, watch soap operas, and eat until you make yourself sick.

Whether you’re married or not, you recognize that marriage brings a huge amount of change into people’s lives. For many, some core parts of their lives will stay the same. They stay in the same city, in the same job, with the same friends and family nearby, and so on. Of course, the marriage itself will bring many changes, but a good part of the person’s life structure stays the same. For others, though, marriage changes much, much more.

Rebekah was one such woman. We read in Genesis 24 that one day she was innocently filling a water jar at a well, and the next day she was whisked off to marry an unknown man in a faraway land. Of course, it doesn’t seem Rebekah had any choice in the matter, but what’s to say she wouldn’t have done it anyway? Regardless, everything changed for Rebekah in a heartbeat. She left behind everything she knew in order to get married.

I know many of you can relate to Rebekah. Maybe you, too, left behind everything you knew to marry the man you love. You might have deployed on an overseas military assignment. Perhaps you ventured into the great unknown to serve God as a missionary on the other side of the world. Some of you have had your entire lives uprooted due to a job transfer, an ailing parent, or simply the call of God to go somewhere new. Even if you haven’t had to move to a new place, you’ve likely experienced another huge life change. You know what it’s like to feel as if nothing in life is familiar.

Do you know what can easily happen when you find yourself in a completely new situation? Your priorities can get out of whack. You don’t know what you’re doing or what you should be doing. You’re surrounded by new people and new opportunities. And your life becomes unbalanced because you’re overwhelmed, because there
aren’t
many things to balance anymore, or because they’re so new you don’t even know where or how to begin.

You’ve been there, and I’ve been there. There have been seasons in my life when I wasn’t able to keep my life balanced, and my first few years of marriage are a good example of that inability.

From Actress to Hockey Wife

When Val and I got engaged I was excited about starting a new chapter in my life.
Full House
had just ended, I had grown up right along with my alter ego D.J., and I was ready to move on to a grand new adventure. However, my adventure led me thousands of miles from home to Montreal, Canada.

I can definitely relate to the biblical Rebekah. Though it was by my own choice, I suddenly found myself in a new country with no friends, no family nearby, and essentially no job. My husband had an exciting career, but during the hockey season he was gone half of the time. I knew nothing about this new life as a housewife, and I had no sense of balance because I had left behind everything that was familiar to me.