Ballistic (34 page)

“She sounds mysterious,” I
told her before claiming my booth. I’ve come to loathe sitting here every weekend. Venessa and Max think I’m up to no good while I sit here pretending to be doing nefarious things, but I’m not. I sit here to make sure she’s safe and that Max’s interests are protected.

“She’s not mysterious,” she
laughed. “She’s nuts.”

“You think she’s nuts?”

“I don’t think she’s nuts,” she argued. “I know she is. But hell, so am I, yeah? Everyone thinks she’s fucked in the head and to a point, she is. But Lina always knows what she’s doing even if no one else gets it. Problem is, most people don’t take the time to get it and she wouldn’t let them anyway.”

No words.

I have not a fucking thing to say to her right now. Fucking birth control. Jesus Christ. Slamming my car door, I don’t even bother to wait for her because at this moment I need to be as far away from her as possible. Throwing my keys on the counter, I rip open the basement door and hit the steps to work this out in my gym privately. If she follows me down, I’ll rip her apart for keeping this from me, I know I will.

Starting with free weights, I alternate arms
, relishing the burn. Stepping over to my punching bag, I double time it until my shoulders refuse to hold the weight of my arms anymore. The whole process took thirty minutes max, but I needed it. In that time I was able to calm myself and see that I’d been harsh. Cooling down, I grab a towel and look at myself in the mirror. I’m thirty-two years old, never married and until her, I never had a serious relationship. Was it fair of me to expect children and a happily ever after so soon?

I don’t know.

But from the second I heard Venessa talking about her, I knew I had to meet her. Then I did, and every dominant thought and feeling came rushing forward. I want everything from her, but what am I giving her in return? Not a fucking thing. Because I expect her to run and hide. If she does, I can say it’s because she has unresolved issues and not because I was a domineering asshole who didn’t listen. Fact is, I didn’t listen. I also didn’t show her who I really was out of fear I wouldn’t make the cut.

I promised her I was hers
, but I held myself back, offering bits and pieces, just enough to keep her interested. My focus has been on what she needs to do, how she needs to change to accommodate me and my expectations. I told myself when she did those things, I would do them for her in return. She did do those things though, and I didn’t do my part. Lina put herself out there for me, shared her fears with me and was there for the taking. Yes, I wanted a family, but thinking the only way to make that happen was to trap her was irresponsible of me. It was also shaming her. She said she was open to it but needed time, and what did I do? I called her a disappointment.

Running up the steps I don’t see her
in the kitchen, heading upstairs she isn’t there, and neither are her bags. Running back to the kitchen again, I look out the window and see her truck’s gone. Sitting down, I let my head hit the table and when it does my forehead sticks to a key.

The house key she asked for.

I sit there for hours wondering how to fix this. When nothing came, I knew I needed help. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I dial the only number I can think of that might help me.

“Yes
, Tony?” she says impatiently.

“She left,” I tell
her. “I have to find her.”

“Did you ever stop and wonder why she lives out of a duffel bag? Why she doesn’t date? Why she’s fearful of forming connections to people?”

“Jules,” I groan. “I just need to find her.”

“And when you do
, are you going to scream at her and lecture her on how she’s handling it?”

“I don’t know,” I admit
. “I just want her home.”

“When you figure that out, call me back,” she orders me
. “That’s my best friend you’re fucking with right now. Over her taking birth control, seriously? Did you even ask her if she was on it before you decided she could pump out decent children for you?”

“What?”

“You heard me,” she growls. “You want a baby maker! She’s never even had a god damned boyfriend, Tony! She’s a completely different person since meeting you. She’s social, she’s smiling and she’s fucking trying! No man who is lucky enough for a special woman like Lina tries to trap her with children.”

“I wasn’t trying to trap---
” I begin, then cut myself off before finishing the lie. “Please,” I beg her. “I’ll do anything.”

“You will make this right,” she says
. “Repeat that.”

“I will make this right.”

“She’s at Batch. But---”

Disconnecting
, I grab my keys and run out the back door to my car. I haul my ass to get to the freeway. She’s got at least a few hours on me and a lot can happen in a few hours.
Please don’t let her be drunk and on another mother fucker’s lap
, I chant to myself. I’d kill him, I know I would. Making my way into Corktown, everything slows to a crawl, so I park at the closest spot, not bothering to locate a better one. I just needed to get inside. Running down the street, I don’t see her truck, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t parked elsewhere.

Throwing the door open
, the few patrons inside look at me like I’m crazy and they’d be right. The bartender is the first to come over and assess my threat potential. “Can I help you, my man?”

“I’m looking for someone,” I tell him
, almost breathless. “She small, like under five feet small. Blonde hair---”

“Big tits, fat ass yeah, I know Lina.”

“I’m going to warn you once that speaking of my woman in that way will get you hurt.”

“Lina has a man?” he asks
, laughing and giving me the once over. “Wait, you?” Then he can’t control it and really starts laughing, so I approach getting in his space.

“Something you’d like to tell me?”

“Not really,” he says, wiping his eyes. “Well, actually yeah. The guy over there, Stephen, has a gun aimed at your fucking forehead for one. For two, she left here with her friend Kelly. For three, if you come at Kelly like you came at me, she will kill you.”

“Who the fuck is Kelly?”

“Obviously you ain’t met her,” he says, walking away. “If you had, you wouldn’t be asking me stupid fucking questions.”

“Just tell me where they went,” I beg him
. “I’m worried about her.”

“They were talking about houses,” he says
. “Kelly is a realtor. Those two go way back. When they ain’t starting shit, that is. You ain’t gotta worry about your woman with Kelly.”

“Lina said she wanted to buy a house?”

“Hence the realtor,” he says. “Your ears plugged?”

“When?”

“Tomorrow, if the one she wants is still available.”

“Where is Kelly’s office?”

“No fucking chance,” he says, backing away. “Kelly can kill you if she wants. She kills me for telling you as much as I have I won’t get to stare at her tits. I ain’t big into mourning that loss.”

“Who’s tits?”

“Kelly’s, you fuckwit,” he growls. “Kelly lets you stare, Lina not so much. Ergo, I stare at Kelly’s tits. And I give her free beer. Fuck off, it works.”

Walking back out to my car I find myself reluctant to put it in drive. She’s buying a house
. She left my key and she’s leaving me. Driving home that night I opened a bottle of red wine, said “fuck the glass” and sat on my couch wondering how I could have made such progress with her only to fuck it up like this.

Dialing my only real friend
, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t answer. When he needed me, I left him hanging out to dry. But when he does answer, I’m reminded why he is a better man than I.

“Any luck?”

“She left with her friend Kelly,” I tell him. “She’s a realtor, I guess. The guy at Batch said they were talking about looking at houses tomorrow.”

“Hang on,” he says
. “I’m putting you on speaker.”

After a moment
, he’s back with Jules. “Uh, so Kelly and Lina go back a bit,” she says, cautiously. “They met at roller derby and used to cause quite a bit of trouble together. Lina bought a house from her a while ago but she sold it ---”

“I know why she sold it,”

“You do? Why did she sell it?”

“Another time,” I tell her
. “I want her back. How do I do that?”

“I wish I had an answer
, Tony,” she says quietly. “Lina does what she wants.”

“Where is the realtor’s office?”

“Look,” says Jules, “I’m all for helping out here, but there is no way I’m telling you where she works. That’s not fair to Lina or to you.”

“Care to explain that?”

“Kelly is kind of… off.”

“Off how?”

“She loves Lina. You show up demanding things, she’s going to put a serious hurt on you. I will tell you this though, she’s about three inches taller than Lina. Two toned hair, big boobs, tattoos and carries an arsenal the DPD is jealous of. You’ll know her if you see her. The two of them together tend to stand out.”

“That doesn’t help at all.”

“Tony,” Max says, “maybe you should let her come to you?”

“She won’t come to me,” I argue
. “That’s the problem.”

“If I hear from her
, I’ll let you know,” he says, then pauses. “Sorry, my wife says we’re team Lina right now.”

“Jules please,” I beg her
. “I need her back.”

“You should have thought of that before you had a tantrum about her practicing safe sex. Who demands babies like that? You make no sense
, Tony. If I were her, I’d be flipping out but she didn’t. She’s all for birthing your team someday, but you did the alpha thing and look where that got you. You followed her, right? Did you not learn anything from that? Lina is very careful about who she trusts, and to me it looks like she trusted you a lot. She saw something in you, Tony. Something no one else saw. Don’t forget that.”

“Thank you for your time,” I mumble
. “Both of you.”

“Tony wait,” she says softly
, “She’s not in a bar. She’s in a hotel and before you demand it, I will not tell you where. Kelly is married with a daughter, so they don’t start bar fights much anymore. If Lina is buying a house, that’s a huge step for her. If you do find her, let her tell you why before you assume anything, okay?”

“Thank you
, Jules.”

I don’t go up to our bed that night. I fall asleep on the couch in case there’s a knock on the door. If I don’t get her back
, I’ll never step foot in my bedroom again. It’s not a bedroom without her in it. Jules was right though, she’s the first, the only, to see beyond the exterior to the heart of me. Fuck, she had my number the first time she laid eyes on me, but wanted me anyway.

She saw past the façade and wanted the man just as he was. I should have done the same for her
and I didn’t. My parents would not only be ashamed, they would have taken her side too. Especially if they knew the son they raised to be honest wasn’t very honest at all.

Now
I’m no expert on home ownership, but when a roof leaks, I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to fix it. When my mother asked my father to do it, he told her she was free to climb up on to the roof and fix it herself. Hence the leak. Neither one of them fixed or maintained anything, ever. Not their home, their finances, their daughter or their marriage.

Lazy fuckers.

Studying with the drip out in the hall was tolerable, mainly because I thought it was funny. Buckets were placed to catch the drops and towels surrounded the buckets. Very well thought-out, really when all they needed to do was replace the shingle that slid down. I googled it and I could have done it myself, but this was much more entertaining. Making myself a promise that one day when I owned a home, I’d care for it and be proud of myself for being able to do most of my own repairs.

Independence. I like
d that shit.

Running on almost zero sleep and a serious case of the Monday’s, I’m at my bank when it opens. Getting a cashier’s check for twenty
-five large, I practically skip back to my truck to head to Birmingham to meet up with Kelly. We chat for a few, I initial and sign, then I’m back on the freeway when it hits me. I’m a homeowner. Normally the thought of being tied to anything would send me floating, or to the nearest bar but, I knew it was time and it felt right.

Kelly called the listing agent last night and offered them cash for the house. They said yes and so it’s done.
In a few days we’ll close once the title is clear, I’ll have a real address. Kelly asked the sellers if I could get keys early to measure, etc., and they didn’t care, so here I am enroute to my house. Weird.

Dialing Jules
, I hope she’s up and free, because I want her and Max to see it. “Good morning,” she says, yawning. “You’re up early.”

“Morning sunshine,” I offer
. “Do you and the hubs have any plans in say, fifteen minutes?”

“No, why?”

“Put your shoes on, make me a coffee and meet me at this address,” I say, giving her the numbers.

“Wait, this is like four houses down from us,” she says
, confused.

“See you in fifteen
,” I say, cheerily hanging up.

Cranking up the tunes, I smile all the way back. I only slightly lose my smile when I think of
Anthony’s reaction. If he doesn’t like it, I can always sell it, but I really want him to like it. I want to show him I can commit. Maybe not with babies right now but, I feel like a house makes a statement.

Rounding the corner I see the newlyweds peeking in the windows. Well
, actually I see Max peeking in the windows; Jules is waving to me from the porch with my coffee. I have a porch!

“You bought this
, didn’t you?” she asks as I hop down from my truck.

“Do you mind being neighbors with me?”
I ask taking my drink from her.

“Are you kidding?” she squeals
spilling half of hers. “This is fucking awesome, Lina!”

“Hey Max,” I say
, hugging him around the waist. Jules looks shocked to see me hugging anyone, but I like to hug my friends now, so what?

“Hey squirt,” he says
, squeezing me back. “You must have really like my porch,” he jokes.

“I did! So much that I wanted one just like it and I wanted to bug the piss out of you two. Want to go in?”

Opening the door, I look for a place to set the key, but since it’s vacant, I just leave it in my pocket. “Where’s your room?” Jules asks.

“Good question, I have no idea.”

“Huh?”

“This is the first time I’ve been in it,” I admit
. “So your guess is as good as mine.”

“How much did this run you?” Max
asks, looking at the kitchen, which is surprisingly gross.

“Twenty
-five,” I tell him. “But I think it’s going to take another twenty-five to make it livable.”

“I’m just a few houses down,” he says
, picking a cupboard door up that fell off when he opened it. “I did the work on my house myself, I’m happy to help a neighbor.”

“Since I’m currently one handed, that would be awesome.”

“I also have a team of large men at your disposal,” Jules says, peeking in the hall closet. “Feed them and they’re yours.”

Once we’ve inspected the house, they leave and I go back through to make sure everything is secure before leaving myself to head to Anthony’s. Oddly enough
, there is one chair sitting in the corner of what would be a kid’s room due to size alone. It’s the perfect room, really. Hardwood floors, south facing, so the sun lights the space and far enough away so the kid isn’t woken up with noise. Taking a seat, I crisscross my legs, happy to just stare out of the dirty broken window while sipping my coffee. I can leave in a few, right now, though I see a future here, my future which should frighten me, but it doesn’t because it’s time for me to move on with my life.

I knew I needed to put roots down, grow up a bit and cease with the running.
Anthony wanted a future with me and this gesture was as much for me as it was for him. It was for us. If this is love, I can get down with it. Who knew love could make you do all sorts of crazy shit? I do know one thing, love is expensive. But hell, money can be replaced. He cannot. Staring straight ahead I feel myself wanting to float, needing to, and so I do.

I’ve never floated to a location before, this
is new. I’m used to dead space where it’s dark and quiet. Sometimes I’d use the space to run, or swim, but mostly it feels like a cushion where I can blank out in total silence. My eyes wander, taking in the space I’m familiar with. I’m in his kitchen. He’s making sandwiches for us. For a moment his shoulders drop and from behind, he looks defeated. I can’t ask him why. Instead I watch him quietly take the cheese, setting it on the bread. Reaching for the mayo, his hand is shaking. Allowing his head to drop, I hear him whisper
“
come back to me, Lina,
”
he puts everything on a plate, walks up the stairs where he silently sets it near me, thinking I don’t notice him. For the first time, I’m seeing what he sees. I see me through his eyes and that isn’t who I want to be. His eyes are terribly sad as he backs out of the room, walks down the steps and puts his head in his hands. 

His shoulders shake, his fists clench and then I watch as he buries his face into a pillow and screams. He fears losing me. He feels guilt. He feels so much
, but has never said, yet I’m in the room above right now doing the very same. I remember the sandwich, I remember his silence, but I was too busy worrying about how to protect myself. I needed him, he needed me, and the way we handled things needed to stop. 

Hearing the front door slam, I snap back to consciousness making a mental note to fix the door first. “I’m in back
, Red,” I call out and when a shadow is cast from the door, I turn to see Anthony there. “You’re here,” I whisper with my heart in my throat. Giving no thought as to my reception, I jump up and run into his arms, certain of never wanting to be without him again. This was the first time I’ve ever blanked out and came back with answers. It’s always been a way for me to hide or to think. But I cannot pretend that didn’t just happen either. It did happen and now I have the means to do something about it.

This was one of the few times I can recall ever being proud of myself.