Bear v. Shark (12 page)

Test your knowledge of bears and sharks with this fun True or False quiz. The answers can be found in Chapter 82.

1. Sharks do not have tongues.
   
2. The polar bear and the Kodiak (North American brown) bear are the largest members of the bear family.
   
3. Sharks have poor vision.
   
4. Almost all bears are omnivorous. The koala bear is the only herbivorous bear.
   
5. Blue sharks, the most prolific of the shark family, generally give birth to 2550 pups at one time, and occasionally a litter will consist of 100 pups or more.
   
6. Bears preparing for hibernation will eat up to 20,000 calories per day.
   
7. The whale shark, which occasionally reaches a length of 50 feet or more, is the largest fish.
   
8. Bears actually appear in the fossil record prior to sharks.
   
9. Some sharks can predict the future.
   
10. Bear gallbladders, believed to have medicinal properties, fetch a high price on the black markets of Eastern countries.
    
11. Shark attacks cause an average of 25 human fatalities each year.
    
12. During hibernation a period of 27 months bears do not need to eat, drink, urinate, or defecate.
    

In the backseat Curtis is talking on a cell phone. He says, “Hi.”

Then he says, “Oh, pretty good.”

Mrs. Norman says, “Mind if we turn on the radio?”

Mr. Norman says, “You know, I hardly remember anything about my childhood.”

A Talk Radio Host says, “OK, time to take some calls. This is Omar from Fairbanks, Alaska. Hi, Omar.”

Omar says, “Hi.”

Curtis says, “I have two questions, really.”

Mr. Norman says, “I see pictures from when I was a kid and it’s like it’s someone else.”

The Talk Radio Host says, “How’s life treating you up there in Fairbanks?”

Curtis says, “First, what is your stance on the whole shark-on-ark debate? I mean, it just seems like Noah would have needed some kind of holding tank, which was probably not feasible for early sailing vessels.”

Omar says, “Oh, pretty good.”

Mrs. Norman says, “Don’t you think that’s how it is for everyone?”

The Talk Radio Host says, “Omar, what’s your question for Reverend Hollis?”

Mr. Norman says, “Maybe so.”

Omar from Alaska says, “I have two questions, really.”

The Talk Radio Host says, “OK, fire away, Omar.”

Mrs. Norman says, “I mean, those people, us, that we see in pictures are younger, fresher, they have better shins. It’s hard to identify with them.”

Omar says, “First, what is your stance on the whole shark-on-ark debate? I mean, it just seems like Noah would have needed some kind of holding tank, which was really probably not feasible for early sailing vessels.”

Mrs. Norman says, “Ooh, interesting question. Curt, are you listening to this?”

Curtis says,
“Yes, ma’am.”

Reverend Hollis says, “Well, as you know, that question is stirring up quite a bit of controversy right now. Many bear-leaning biblical scholars and Televangelists have argued, based on the so-called Holding Tank Thesis you mentioned, that there could not have been sharks on the ark, and thus the animal is probably a creature that the Devil sent to earth to destroy bears and other noble vertebrates, such as humans.”

Omar says,
“Yes, ma’am.”

Mr. Norman says, “But the scary thing is that it’s not just my childhood. I have trouble remembering anything about my life, even from a week ago.”

Curtis says, “That is such horseshit, Reverend.”

A radio censor says, “Kill that.”

Mr. Norman says, “And then I think maybe it’s best that I don’t remember. Maybe the truly scary thing is that there’s really nothing much to remember.”

Reverend Hollis says, “However, Omar, there is some evidence to support the claims now being made that Noah or perhaps a pious cabin boy could have kept sharks alive by wrapping them in wet sacks or baggies, or even by just chaining them to the deck. After all, there was plenty of rain.”

Curtis says, “Who do you think would win in a fight between a bear and one of the disciples?”

The Talk Radio Host says, “Yeah, a real
frog
-strangler, Reverend.

The Talk Radio Host says, “Omar, what’s your second question for Reverend Hollis?”

Mrs. Norman says, “Larry, I think you’re probably just tired from work and all this driving.”

Omar says, “Who do you think would win in a fight between a bear and one of the disciples?”

Curtis says, “Oh, I don’t know, Luke?”

Mr. Norman says, “Well, I am tired, but I think maybe there’s something else, like there’s some switch that never got switched.”

Reverend Hollis says, “Well, that really depends on which one you’re talking about. I wouldn’t want to make some blanket statement. Did you have anyone in mind?”

Mrs. Norman says, “Switch?”

Omar says, “Oh, I don’t know, Luke?”

Mr. Norman says, “Yeah, like a feeling switch or something.”

Reverend Hollis says, “Oh, well there is some evidence to suggest that Luke was narcoleptic and really skinny, so I wouldn’t want to plop a lot of money down on him. And same goes for Paul — Paul would be hopelessly outmatched, that goes without saying.”

Mr. Norman says, “Curtis, Matthew?”

Mrs. Norman says, “Matthew’s asleep, honey.”

Reverend Hollis says, “Now Mark, Mark is a different story. Mark was scrappy and he had very good speed for his size, and so I’d want to say he’d have a decent shot against a bear, Omar.”

Mr. Norman says, “Curtis, do you ever feel like, I don’t know, like something’s wrong or something’s missing?”

Curtis says, “No.”

Mrs. Norman says, “Larry, he’s just a kid.”

The Talk Radio Host says, “That’s interesting, Reverend.”

Mr. Norman says, “But that’s when the switch switches. Or doesn’t switch.”

The Talk Radio Host says, “Omar, any more questions for Reverend Hollis?”

Omar says, “No.”

Mr. Norman says, “Listen, Curt, if you ever feel like something’s not right, even if you don’t know quite what it is, I want you to come talk to me.”

Curtis says, “I will.”

Mr. Norman says, “That’s good, buddy. I’m here for you.”

Reverend Hollis says, “Thanks for the tough questions, Omar.”

The Talk Radio Host says, “Yes, thanks, Omar, and give everyone in Fairbanks a big bear hug for us.”

Omar says, “I will.”

Psssst. Hey, you. The smart one there, surrounded by those zombie robots all dolled up in the latest fashions and chattering on and on about bears and sharks. Yeah, you. Listen up.

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you know
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But you, now you’re different. You’re cut from a different cloth, just like Sexy Pants. You’re onto the game, and you’re not going to let it play you.

So set yourself apart from the rest. Wear Sexy Pants.

Because Savvy is Sexy.

OK, relax. Tell us what happened. Start at the beginning.

He just started beating the crap out of me. I don’t have any arms in that shark costume and I couldn’t defend myself.

Wait, wait. Back up. What were you doing at the elementary school?

San Francisco 3, Florida 2.

The fighting is not supposed to be real.

OK, relax.

Have you found Bobby yet?

We’re looking for Bobby. Just settle down and tell the story from the start.

Atlanta 10, Philadelphia 2.

Well, me and Bobby travel around to different schools, you know. We wear these furry costumes. I’m the shark and he’s the bear.

The shark costume is furry?

Well, yeah, the fur is not as shaggy as the bear fur. But it’s hard to make a suit with the look and feel of real cartilage.

I understand.

My mother made the suits.

Her name?

New York Mets 3, Montreal 1.

Agnes.

So who do you work for?

I work for the highway department.

The highway department pays you to visit schools in bear and shark costumes?

What? No, no. We just do that for fun. Volunteer basis.

Giving back to the community.

An outreach situation.

Go ahead.

Milwaukee 6, Cincinnati 5.

So we travel around and talk to the kids. In our costumes.

Is it hot in there? In the costumes?

Oh God, you wouldn’t believe it. And it stinks, too. But listen, you gotta be tough. If you pass out, those kids will start kicking you. I learned that the hard way.

You talk to the children.

Yes. They just seem to relate to us. I have a hard time talking to my own kids, you know, but when I put on that shark costume, it’s like all of a sudden I have a way with the youngsters. They respond to me. They respect me.

Houston 8, St. Louis 1.

And what do you and Bobby speak to the kids about?

Well, just whatever. Excuse me a second. . . . Sorry. That guy beat the hell out of me. Have you found him?

We’re working on it, sir.

My feet are together in the back fin, you know? I don’t have very good balance. He just pushed me right over.

You were saying.

Well, we have a drugs and alcohol talk we give. One time, after a fourth grader accidentally shot Bobby in the snout, we gave a firearms safety talk. We talk about venereal disease, good sportsmanship, study habits. Sometimes we make it into a science and nature lesson, though that’s not really my field.

Right.

Chicago 9, Pittsburgh 5.

We just sit up there, you know, no fancy lights or music. No prepared speeches or anything like that. Just a bear and a shark connecting with the children.

And then you fight?

Yeah, usually the kids ask for it and we’ll end our session by wrestling a little bit. Just for fun, you know. Not serious fighting. Rolling around on the carpet, under the desks, growling and stuff. They love it. Bobby does this karate thing.

Los Angeles 4, San Diego 3.

And when did you sense that something was wrong today?

Well, about midway through our talk, I knew it wasn’t Bobby in that bear suit. I could hear him breathing real heavy in there and his voice sounded strange and he was giving bad advice to the kids.

Such as?

He said he thought it was a good idea to take a few years off between elementary school and middle school. Hitchhike around, see the world.

And then.

And then I’m getting worried because where’s Bobby? But I’m a performer. You have to go on with the show. Colorado 18, Arizona 13. And I think that it was actually a decent show because the bear and I were disagreeing a lot and the kids sort of got to witness a debate.

And then you fought.

Well, yeah, the kids asked for it. And I was a bit worried. And I whispered to this guy, Hey, go easy, but then he pushed me over and started beating and kicking me. The kids loved it. He cracked two ribs.

And then did he snatch the little girl?

He stood on my neck first.

And then he snatched the girl?

Yes. He grabbed a laptop computer in one paw and that little girl in the other. She was screaming and giggling, the kids were cheering. I threw up in my suit.

Anaheim 9, Seattle 7.

And then he left?

Yes, he took off. And you haven’t found him?

We’re working on it.

And Bobby?

We’re working on it, sir.

And the girl?

We did find her, I’m afraid.

Christ.

What?

I can’t get a goddamn Yankees score.

At lunch, the Normans stop at a place called Surf-n-Surf, a seafood joint with unlimited Internet access and cable Television in every booth.

Mrs. Norman has crab cakes and a game show.

Matthew and Curtis have fish sticks and bear cabaret.

Mr. Norman goes to the bathroom. He doesn’t feel all that well. He feels terrible. Not terrible, but not so great. Or maybe he feels OK, normal. How do you know how you feel? An X ray, a thermometer, a blood test. You need equipment. Otherwise how do you know how you feel? He thinks it’s probably cancer. What is cancer, anyway? Everyone has it, everyone gets it, some people die and some people don’t, but nobody really knows what it is. Sometimes it’s malign, sometimes it’s indignant. It’s a fungus. It’s in your cells. You can see cells in cork in high school biology class. The tumors grow in the wet dark of you. The cancerous cells spread through your system like news on the wire. Like
bad
news: A school shooting, an earthquake, an assassination, a baby in a well, a baby with seizures, a baby with no brain, a baby in the trash, mass starvation, prison camps, cats being used in cat food, mass layoffs, cancer, war, airplane crashes, drugs, disloyalty, cruelty, lies, rain that never stops, rain that never comes. Mr. Norman thinks cancer probably smells like fish, like fake fish microwaved in an interstate restaurant. Mr. Norman does not know what cancer is, what causes it, how you cure it. He doesnt know anything about his own body. His eyes point outward and his insides are a dark, damp mystery. Turns out his heart is not shaped like a heart at all and heartburn has to do with the eructation of acidic fluid toward the esophagus. Its a pump, the heart, and the brain is the command center. It sends messages. It tells things to do things. Its a computer. Its so easy to get game scores and stock prices, but where is my kidney and how do I feel? What is cancer and why do I have it or not have it?

Mr. Norman pees into a trough shaped like a tuna.

The graffiti says, “Bear cubs wanted.”

The graffiti says, “The D Dome is gonna blow.”

The graffiti says, “There’s a cure in TeleTown.”

The graffiti says, “Commies & Cookies.

The graffiti says, “The fish sticks are shark dicks.”

In a stall, behind a closed door, a man cries out in pain.

The lights buzz and flicker. The piped-in radio says, “We’re overstocked. Everything’s got to go.”

Mr. Norman opens his mouth and stares into the bathroom mirror. Are those taste buds or cancer bumps?

The man in the stall says, “Oh God, no.”