Beast Denied (19 page)

“You deserved better than I gave you that night. There’s nothing stupid or naïve in expecting to be treated with consideration.” He tightened his fingers around hers. “Why won’t you give us a chance, sweetheart?”

For a moment, he thought she might say yes, she’d give them a chance. Her eyes met his with bright expectation. But then it was gone, as if inside her a switch had been flicked back to its default setting. “My aunt always said I’m like my mother. I can’t chance that I have her weakness inside me. She loved my father to the point where she gave up her life for his. She did everything he wanted, which meant giving up on her hopes and dreams. She wanted more children, but he didn’t. I don’t think he even wanted me. To him, I was just another female to command and manipulate to his will.”

“You’re stronger than your mother. Damn it, Naomi. You’re the strongest woman I know.”

She smiled a little. “Thanks for that. I wish I could be different, Tynan. I really do. And after what my father did to you, I know I owe you, but—”

“I don’t want you to be with me because you think you owe me,” he snapped, releasing his hold on her hands. “Fuck it to hell, is that what you think? That I expect you to make some sort of reparation for what your father did to me?”

“No, that’s not—”

“Because it’s bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. Everything you’ve said about staying in control of your own destiny, about not handing over the reins to someone else? You’re strong, and you don’t have it in you to be like your mother any more than I’m like your father. If you think either of those things are true, then maybe I’m wrong and you’re not the tough, competent female I always thought you were. You’re using this argument as a copout, so you don’t have to face up to the fact we’ve got something going between us and it scares the hell out of you.”

He shoved his hands through his hair. “You want to know something? It scares the hell out of me too.” He had to take a moment to let that sink in, because the truth of it had only just hit him. “You want to know something else? I actually thought you saw me as a lesser man because of my accident, that I had to prove myself to you, let you see that my accident didn’t define me. That it didn’t make me less of a man, less of a male who could provide for his female, for his family. Last night, when I saw Stoltz’s hand around your throat I cursed my lack of speed, knowing that maybe you were right and I couldn’t protect you.”

“I never—”

“I’ve been beating myself up about it, cursing my shortcomings. But you know what? Things are as they are, Naomi. They’re not how I’d want them to be, but it’s done, and I’m through wishing for things to be different. I’m learning to live with the consequences of what happened to me, learning to accept that my life is different because of it. I do my best, but sometimes my best isn’t good enough. One thing’s for certain, I’m sure as hell not going to allow what happened in the past screw up the future.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Damn sure it is. You go searching for threesomes because there’s no chance of it meaning anything. You hook up with Nathan because he’s commitment phobic and there’s no chance of things going further than a quick and easy fuck.”

Her head snapped back, her eyes flaming daggers at him. “Which is all I wanted, and it was working perfectly well until he suggested bringing you into the mix. I knew screwing another bloody alpha male would complicate everything. Because you’re all the same. And the fact you’re making assumptions about what you think I want only goes to prove my point about possession and control. You expect females to do what you want, what you think is best for them, when really it’s about what’s best for you. Can you wonder why I’ve chosen to steer well clear of men like you?”

“Which is why you prefer seeking out humans to satisfy your needs. They won’t give you as much grief as men like me. Well, it didn’t work out too well last time, did it? Seeing as the object of your little escapade into meaningless sex is banged up in a cell a couple of miles from here.”

“Don’t you dare to judge me.” She stabbed a finger into his chest. “If I made a mistake, it was mine to make, and I’ll own it. Don’t you stand there and try to tell me you never had a lapse in judgment.”

He scoffed. “Right now, I’m starting to think I did.”

Hurt flew into her eyes, but he was damned if he’d take the insults she threw at him without defending himself. He might not be the man she wanted, but he was a man who would go through the fires of hell for her if she’d let him.

She said nothing for long moments, during which a strange longing squeezed his heart.

It confirmed what he’d felt out on the moor, what he’d been battling since the first moment he’d set eyes on her. He loved her. He’d always loved her.

“You can’t give me what I need, Tynan.”

Her words and the sharp way she spoke them sliced him in two, but damned if he’d lay himself open any more only to have her fling it back in his face.

“Yeah? Well, guess what. You can’t give me what I need either, sweetheart. Trust. You’ve got me pegged as some dickhead who’ll screw up your life. That’s a fucking crock. The real issue here is that you simply don’t trust me.”

She sucked in a breath, and her eyes filled again. Powerless, he stepped forward intending to snatch her up, take her in his arms and never let go until she accepted they were meant to be. But she brushed past him and headed for the door. Throwing it open, she stood defiantly beside it. “You should go.”

He swallowed. “If that’s the way you want it.” The ache in his legs intensified, almost buckling his knees as he made his way to the door. He snatched up his coat. “I’ll arrange for your car to be fixed and sent back to you. But don’t you go worrying there’ll be strings attached. There’s no attempt to control you or change your life in any way.” His voice vibrated from the effort to rein in his frustration. “All I’ll be doing is arranging to fix your fucking car.”

He slammed the door behind him and headed down the communal stairs with her words ringing through his head.

He couldn’t give her what she needed.

If that meant giving her the freedom to screw around and put herself at risk from crazies, then no, he fucking couldn’t. If it meant not doing his duty to protect her and keep her safe, then again, she was spot-on.

Shoving at the door that opened onto the street, Tynan stepped out and sucked the steadying nectar of early morning air into his lungs.

If his damn back wasn’t still screaming from last night’s excesses, he’d fucking well shift right here and now, then run across the moor until his bones cracked. Anything to get that bloody female out of his system.

He didn’t need her defensive shit, and he didn’t need her attitude.

From now on, she was on her own. He’d do what she wanted and stay out of her life so that she could do what she damn well pleased.

Blood pounding, Tynan strode along. His long legs ate up the ground, and soon he realized he’d passed the turn that would take him home. Pumped, he knew he’d get no modicum of peace until he’d worked off the leading edge of his frustration. His mind set, he headed out in the direction of the moor and resigned himself to the fact he’d soon be sporting more than a few cracked bones.

Chapter Thirteen

“It’s like a bloody freezer out there.”

Talia sat, pulled off her gloves and unwrapped the voluminous scarf from around her neck. Despite her pensive mood, watching her friend shrug out of her coat, Naomi had to smile. Talia hated the cold, which meant it was a good thing they’d chosen to meet for coffee in the town’s warmest coffee shop.

“I ordered us both a mocha.”

Talia grinned. “Is it any wonder you’re my very best friend?”

“I thought that accolade went to Caleb.”

“Well, yeah. But you’re my best female friend.” She dropped her elbows onto the table and folded her arms. “And because you’re my best female friend, I’m going to risk making you mad by asking you what the hell you think you’re doing.”

Naomi’s breath caught. She shouldn’t be surprised that Talia had called her on her decision, and had, in fact, been expecting this conversation for the last two weeks, ever since the day after her ordeal with Stoltz. Worried about her, Talia had taken every opportunity to check in with Naomi and make sure she was okay.

As far as Stoltz was concerned, Naomi was okay. He was being dealt with by the authorities, and, knowing that, she had been able to drive the memory to the back of her mind. It was an entirely different matter with Tynan. She’d had enough experience of pushing down the things that hurt, the things that sliced her heart. If she could do it before, she could certainly muster the courage to do it again. Now that he was no longer playing the part of her bodyguard and sticking to her like glue, she had expected to feel liberated. But all she felt was wretched.

She’d replayed their last conversation over and over, going back and forth between thinking he was right about not letting the past define the future. That she was stronger than her mother. That Tynan wasn’t in any way like her father.

It didn’t matter, because she couldn’t chance that he was wrong. Nor could she chance that he was right. If she let her guard down and went to him, told him how much she wanted him, how she ached for him, what would that achieve? They would be together, but at what cost? As his mate, she could never give him what he wanted. And despite what he had told her, trust wasn’t the thing he wanted most. He just didn’t know it yet.

Their coffee arrived. The waitress was new and seemed a little nervous. She bobbled Naomi’s cup, spilling coffee onto the table, and apologized before hurrying away to get a fresh napkin.

“Well?” Talia said, cocking her head to the side. “Are you going to tell me what you’re doing?

Naomi smiled and lifted her cup. “Right now, I’m enjoying coffee with my very annoying friend on my morning off.”

“Don’t give me that. I want to know why you’re planning to leave Bodmin.”

Although she was far from surprised, Naomi rolled her eyes. “I might have known Caleb would tell you before I could.”

“Caleb tells me everything.”

It wasn’t the fact that Caleb had told Talia first that rankled, more that she actually had to get Caleb’s approval in the first place. Any pack member who planned to leave the area had to get the pack leader’s permission.

The whole ethos of being part of the pack was fraying her nerves to the maximum. Just one more reason to get away from Bodmin, and from everything—and everyone—here.

If she stayed, she would have no chance of moving on, moving forward with her life. If she stayed, she would likely remain a wrung-out mess. Although she tried hard not to acknowledge it, the fact was, she missed Tynan so much that it was like a physical pain—a knife between her ribs that tore into her heart and set about cutting it to shreds. Which was why she needed to keep her mind off him, focus on work, on furthering her career. It had worked for her before. She needed it to work for her now.

“Doing a research fellowship was always part of my plans,” Naomi said. “The opportunity just came up long before I anticipated it would. Now is as good a time as any to apply. I’m not sure I’ll even get accepted.”

“You haven’t been back for long,” Talia pointed out. “And I suppose I’m being selfish, but I really value our friendship, and I’ll miss not having you around.”

Naomi would miss that too. Talia had been the first female friend she had been able to really confide in. “Like I said, I’m not even sure I’ll be accepted.”

“You will. You’re an excellent general practitioner, and they’d be idiots to reject you.”

“Thanks. I really needed that.” Naomi hadn’t realized how much until then. Everything that had happened recently had left her raw and hit at her confidence.

They sipped their coffee in companionable silence for a few moments, until Talia placed her cup down very carefully. “Tell me something.”

That tone in her friend’s voice alerted her to trouble. Naomi raised her eyebrows. “What?”

“The reason you’re really leaving. And don’t give me any of that crap about wanting to do the fellowship.”

Naomi opened her mouth to refute the assumption, but Talia held up her hand. “This has everything to do with what happened two weeks ago. More precisely what happened between you and Tynan.”

Since she had already told Talia about her threesome with Nathan and Tynan, and the fact that she and Tynan had gotten close after that, Naomi didn’t want to insult either of them by denying what Talia had said.

“It can never go anywhere.” Naomi sat back and tapped her fingertips on the table. “He wanted it to, but you know I can’t chance that. I like my freedom too much. Anyway, he’s kept his distance from me, so I think he’s gotten the message.”

“I still think you were wrong to accuse him of being like your father.”

“I didn’t.” Naomi sat up and leaned closer, lowering her voice. “I said I couldn’t chance being dictated to again, ordered around like my father had done my whole life. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?”

“I do understand,” Talia said, patting her hand. “But I’m allowed to think you’re being an idiot not pursuing this with Tynan. He’s a good guy, and while it’s in his nature to try to exert his authority, he would never be cruel or vindictive. Your father sounds like he was both those things.”

“Maybe I went about things the wrong way,” Naomi admitted. “But it’s done now, and it’s best to leave things as they are. Whatever way it happened, Tynan’s gotten the message, and it’s over.”

“I don’t think that’s necessarily true. That Tynan’s gotten the message, I mean, or that it’s over. Caleb says he’s either snapping at people or brooding into his beer.” Talia sipped her coffee and looked across the brim of her cup. “Apparently, he’s acting like a panther with a very sore back.”

Naomi’s heart squeezed around the pain lodged there. “It’s still causing him problems?”

“You’re the doctor.” Talia’s smile was sly. “Why don’t you go on over to his place and find out?”

Naomi shook her head. “I can’t.”

“Since you were the one to tell him to get out, you’re the one who needs to make the first move.”

“You won’t leave this alone, will you?”

“Not when I see two people I care about hurting, and not when I can see they would be amazing together if they’d just sit down and bash it all out.”

“We already did that.”

“Then do it again. And again, if you have to. In my experience, the things worth having are often those that come from pain and difficulty. I’d go through everything I did with Caleb, and more, to have what I have now. I want that for you.”

But you can get pregnant
, Naomi wanted to point out.
You can
give Caleb a family.

Pain seared through her heart. Far more powerful than anything she had ever suffered before. She couldn’t give the man she loved with all her soul the thing he would want most. The life he wanted most. He’d battled his own demons to find his place in the pack since his accident. What would it do to him to find out that, with Naomi as his mate, he could never fulfill his role as a father to the next generation of shifters?

She couldn’t do that to him.

“It’s best this way. Believe me, I know you want what you think is right for me. For Tynan. But it truly is best that we leave things as they are. If I get this fellowship, it will allow both of us to move on. Then, if I come back to Bodmin, Tynan will have likely settled with his own family and I’ll have my career. Maybe we’ll even become friends again, and everyone will be happy.”

Even as she said the words, she knew they were hollow. She didn’t know if she could bear seeing Tynan mated to another female, to watch him love and be loved by his wife, by his children.

“I wish I could believe that you’re really okay with that.”

“Don’t you know me well enough to realize that if I really wanted something, someone, I’d go after it—them—with everything I had?”

Looking unconvinced, Talia nodded.

“Well, then. Now can we please talk about something else? That waitress, for instance. She’s new and looks all fingers and thumbs. I can almost smell her nerves from here. I chatted to her a little before you arrived. Just moved into the area. Wouldn’t be drawn into personal talk.”

“Hmm. Maybe there’s a story there,” Talia said with a grin while she waved the waitress over. “I need to get out my notebook and start getting the dirty.”

Naomi laughed, easing some of the tension and sadness assailing her at the thought of leaving Bodmin. Of leaving Tynan.

She finished her coffee, only half listening to Talia’s covert interrogation of the poor waitress.

Her thoughts were back with Tynan. Of him mated to another, of that woman bearing his children, of those children running free and happy with parents who loved them beyond sanity. Pain ricocheted through her, so raw that she sucked in a breath. Talia’s head shot around, but at Naomi’s forced smile, she returned her attention to the woman she was currently grilling.

Naomi swallowed and hoped to heaven she could escape the confines of the coffee shop without dissolving into torrents of tears and embarrassing herself in the process.

* * * * *

Later that afternoon, and after deliberating for what seemed like hours, Naomi sat at her desk, drew the document toward her and signed the application form with a shaky flourish.

She didn’t know what had made her procrastinate so long, but since the deadline was a couple of hours away, she had to decide right then.

She took the signed form to the fax machine in the admin office, inhaled deeply and sent it through.

Decision made. The first step taken to move on with her life after Tynan. She’d expected to feel elated, but she stared at the form making its way through the machine and felt…numb, despondent. Which was ridiculous. It was what she wanted. To move on with her career. To help people. Humans and shifters alike. This fellowship research would be nothing but positive and constructive, leading her ever onward and upward toward her goals for herself.

She walked back through to her surgery, feeling like a heavy weight had descended and settled on her shoulders. Along with it came the ridiculous urge to weep. For heaven’s sake. She needed to get a grip.

As Naomi passed the reception desk, the receptionist caught her attention. “I’ve got Nathan on the phone. There’s been some sort of accident out at his place and he wants to know if you can get there soon.”

“What sort of accident? Who is it?” Her blood ran cold, but she was already snatching the phone from the receptionist’s hand. “Nathan?”

“It’s Ty,” he said, and with it, every nightmare she had ever had coalesced into blind terror. “He’s gotten himself into a spot of bother.”

At the sound of Nathan’s relaxed and easy drawl, the panic eased a little. “What sort of bother?”

“It’s his back. The idiot’s been pushing himself and now he’s locked up. Can’t move.”

“Where is he?”

“In the office. Can you get here?”

“Yes.” Thankfully, she’d seen the last of her afternoon appointments, so she didn’t have to rearrange any of her patients. “I’ll be right over. Tell him not to move until I get there.”

She stopped only long enough to pick up her bag and medical case, and minutes later, she was traveling out along the old road toward Nathan’s. Since Tynan had arranged for her car to be repaired after breaking down that night on the moor, the old thing had been purring along with a new lease of life.

What on earth had Tynan been doing driving himself so hard? He’d obviously weakened his body coming to her aid that night on the moor. Pushed himself too hard. Chances were, he hadn’t taken the time to allow himself to recuperate. After all these years, didn’t he realize that he had to listen to his body, treat it with respect? He’d likely sent his muscles into hard spasm, the body’s way of sending out signals that it had been pushed to its limit and needed rest. She only hoped that his recklessness hadn’t resulted in any permanent damage.

The journey out to Nathan’s seemed interminable, during which Naomi swung between anger that Tynan would push himself like this and guilt that she had been the cause of it in the first place. Not only had she been responsible for the original accident, when her desperate need for Tynan to be her first lover had unwittingly put him at the hands of her merciless and vengeful father, but she had been the cause of his latest suffering. All because she had gotten herself involved with a treacherous excuse for a human.

It seemed she brought him nothing but trouble, which proved she had been right all along. Tynan was better off without her. On so many levels.

When she eventually pulled into the drive, Nathan strolled out to meet her. He opened her door. “Idiot’s up and about. Wouldn’t listen to reason. Says he’s fine now, but he’s still swallowing pills.”

She got out of the car, dragging her bags along with her. “Where is he?”

“Back at the computer. Got it in his head to work off the residue of discomfort, he says. Told him you were on your way and you’d likely hike up that residue of discomfort by kicking his ass.”

“Oh, I’ll kick his ass and anything else in reach. Stupid male. Does he think he’s indestructible?”

“Not sure he gives a shit right now.” Nathan took her bags. “You’ve got him tied up in knots, sugar. Why don’t you put him out of what’s really causing his misery?”