Beautifully Awake (31 page)

Chase closed the space between us, dropped the shower handle from my hand, bathing our feet in a stream of hot massaging water. He pressed his forehead against mine.

“That was beyond fucking hot, baby.”

Ya think?
I wanted to say, but I was still coming down, and speaking wasn’t yet an option. We stood there, like that, while I recovered. Chase brushed soft wet kisses on my nose and eyelids and cheeks.
Mmm...

I finally got it together, smiled and said the first thing that came to mind. “Thought you didn’t share?”

“First and last time, baby.”

“Hmm, what happened to it being beyond hot?” I quietly teased.

“Too fucking hot. I almost ripped my dick off. So if you ever want to have sex again, or kids one day, I suggest you commit this experience to memory, because it’s sure as fuck burned into mine, and embrace the idea of baths. This, baby,” he gently cupped between my legs, “is
mine
and I’m definitely not sharing.” He kissed my lips; stealing whatever smartass response I might have come up with.

Kids one day ... mine.
Was I dreaming?

His kiss was the exact opposite of what just transpired between us. Soft. Slow. Sweet. I loved how we went from raw and explosive one minute, to tender and loving the next. It was us. Our story. It was perfect.

With water still teeming down, Chase’s hand caressed its way back up my body and covered the top of my left breast. Barely breaking our kiss, he repeated himself. “Mine.” Although barely audible, I knew exactly what he meant. Because I felt the same way. My heart was his. Always. Forever.

“Yours,” I mumbled sleepily back. “All yours.”

A
smile stretched across my cheeks. The warmth of the August sun shone through the wall of windows, bathing my face. I kept my eyes closed for a couple minutes longer, savoring the moment. I was blissfully happy. Falling asleep tangled in the arms of the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was nothing but pure sweet. I dragged my arms out from under my pillow and reached for Chase. Cold sheets. Why wasn’t I surprised? I wished he would keep his antsy ass in bed in the morning. I forced my naked body from the sheets and dressed in my standard morning attire, loose cotton shorts and a tank—and a bra. I was certain that me half naked in front of Asher classified as sharing. And sharing was over.
No complaints here.
I finished my business in the bathroom, popped in my contacts and went in search of my man. I rounded the corner to the smell of coffee and Asher at the breakfast island dressed for the day in his staple tailored grey suit and green tie, flipping through the morning paper.

“Morning. Sleep well, Ash?”

His eyes flipped up at the sound of my voice.

“Didn’t hear ya come in. Yeah, slept great, you?”

Umm. Coma, after the sexcapades Chase and I shared in your bathroom, then your guest room. Not exactly an appropriate answer, so I went with, “Yeah, great.” Looking around, I asked, “Where’s Chase?”

“He had an early morning meeting. Said he’d be back by ten or so to pick you up.”

“Oh, okay.” I was a little disappointed, knowing the trying day ahead of us. I wanted some early morning down time with him.

“Want some coffee?” Asher stood.

“Love some, but sit. I can help myself. I’m not much of a morning person, only thing that wakes me up.” I grabbed a mug off the counter and poured myself some piping hot brew. “Mmm.”

He chuckled.

“Lili?” Asher’s green eyes morphed into something more serious. Seemed like he wanted to talk about more than my caffeine addiction. “You know you’re good for him, right? I’ve never seen him so happy. He’s … well, he’s Chase again.” I was taken aback with Asher’s raw emotion. “Thanks, Lili. I thought my best friend was gone forever.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I paused and swallowed past my clogged throat. “Don’t thank me. He does the same for me—we’re good for each other. And I love him.”
Like no one else in my life. Forever.

Asher graciously looked away to give me a moment to pull myself together.

“Good. Well, now I’ve got to get my lazy ass into the office. I probably won’t see you before you go. Have a safe trip back.” Asher dropped his coffee mug off in the sink, stuffed his paper into his briefcase and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll catch up with you guys in a couple weeks.”

“Thanks, Ash. For everything, you know ... standing by him, through everything.”

“Wouldn’t have done it any other way.” He winked in my direction and shut the door behind him.

I plopped down on his oversized leather chair and took a deep, soothing breath. “We just need to get through this day,” I mumbled to myself. I finished my coffee and decided on a quick run. I scribbled a quick note to Chase in case he came back early and then headed for the streets of Boston. Alone with my thoughts and my iPod.

Forty minutes later and completely sweat-drenched, I stumbled back into Asher’s apartment. It was cool and quiet. I tossed my note in the garbage and grabbed water from the fridge. I stopped to admire some of Asher’s mementos in the family room. There were a few unique relics displayed. Random stuff, only a single guy would ever buy. Looked like he had the travel bug. How was it that Ash was still single? He was awesome. Any girl would be lucky to land his affection. Before my matchmaking mind got ahead of itself, a small cluster of personal photos caught my eye.

A simple dark wooden frame of a teenage Chase, Asher, Kim and a fourth stood out. Chase’s guitar was slung over one shoulder and his other arm draped around a mystery blonde. Yet it was no mystery, it was Talia. Had to be. Chase was right. She didn’t look anything like his sister but was stunning in her own way. They were all flushed and sweating, probably from just finishing a gig. They were laughing, not posing and not even looking at the camera. Asher twirled a drumstick and Kim looked down at her guitar. They looked carefree. They looked invincible.

This was a glimpse of their world. And in a blink of an eye it all changed. The only world they knew came crashing down. Never to be the same. I sunk into the sofa and sipped my water.
God, why does that happen?

The annoying chime of my phone interrupted my thoughts. I sluggishly stood and walked back to the bedroom to grab it from the charger. I scrolled through my texts. Dad, Sierra, typical. And Kate.

Hey. Guessing ur with Chase :)

Does he hv his phone on?

Scheduling trying to get in touch with him-

Going straight to voicemail.

Weird?!

I’ll tell him to call when I see him.

Everything ok?

It was kind of weird, Chase always had his phone on twenty-four, seven, just in case the hospital needed to get in touch with him.

Not a big deal - think they need to confirm case times.

Having fun?

Jealous - wish CJ would steal me away for a day :(

CJ not planning a spontaneous getaway was the least of Kate’s relationship problems. He needed basic manners 101 before anything else. I adored Kate too much to point that out via text, but it was a conversation we needed to have.

His loss.

Thx :( Safe trip home.

Btw - Guy’s been looking for you all morning.

Shit. Not that I forgot or maybe I was subconsciously hoping it never happened, but we never really addressed the kiss. I pushed Guy away and left him with a
thought we were just friends.
Holy awkward. I dreaded that conversation tomorrow. Chase and I hadn’t even discussed it yet. Not that I was looking forward to that conversation either. Luckily, the packed dance floor and my oblivious co-workers missed it, or so I hoped. Except Chase, of course. Ugh. All of a sudden my morning coffee was burning my stomach.

Thx.

Did he say why?

No. Just kept asking why you were out today?

Seemed concerned.

Does he know about Chase?

Good question. I wasn’t sure. Although with Leanne back at work for at least two hours, I was confident the grapevine was flowing with details from the weekend. The girl couldn’t help herself. It was like she had a gossip disease. If Guy was still in the dark, he’d be informed by noon. Fabulous. The rumble below continued to fester.

Why would he care?

We’re friends.

Probably just needs help w paperwork.

Friends?

Right - u keep telling yourself that.

Better yet, maybe u should tell Guy that.

Ur crazy!

Sound like Leanne now-

Turd :)

Lol!

Safe trip home!

I really liked Guy. A lot. He was a great friend, who just so happened to be extraordinarily good-looking and a little flirtatious. Okay. Maybe a lot flirtatious. Somehow my gut told me Chase saw it differently, not that he had anything to worry about. Ever. I had to convince Dr. Jealous.
Good luck with that one, Lil, never gonna happen.
Yep, still talked to myself. Charming.

I peeled off my running clothes and stepped into Asher’s amazing four-spray shower, vividly remembering every detail of last night. Chase could rest assured; it was burned into my memory as well. And turned out, I didn’t want to share either.

I steamed and scrubbed and shaved my legs before getting out and dressing in a pale pink sundress. I blew out my hair and applied my staple mascara and lip gloss. Then I extracted the necessary items from my luggage and switched over to my new purse while I waited for Chase.

“I
had the hellhole leveled,” Chase said out of nowhere, talking over the music playing in the car. Thankfully music no longer seemed to trigger Dr. Intensity. If anything, Chase had pretty strong opinions about the style of music we listened to. I put up a half-hearted fight before I always caved and agreed to his choice, selfishly hoping he might relax enough to sing along. His version of my now all time favorite song played on repeat in my head whenever I was alone. Sorry, Jason Mraz. He didn’t hold a candle to the love of my life’s tender shower serenade.

Chase’s voice was muffled by the wind blowing in my ear, so I turned down the volume and rolled up my window. “What did you say?”

“I had the hellhole that Kimi was in leveled. Completely destroyed, nothing but a pile of dust when the bulldozers were finished. After what she went through, how she suffered, I couldn’t physically, with any sense of conscience, let one more life come through those doors ... so I fucking leveled it.”
Oh my god.
Not what I expected him to say. We hadn’t talked about where in Boston Kim was laid to rest.

“As in renovated and rebuilt?” I was a tiny bit confused. Even though I heard him loud and clear.

“No, baby, as in now it’s nothing but green grass and park benches. My parents wanted to bury her in New York. They suddenly had an opinion, three goddamn years too late. Convenient, but I told them to go fuck themselves. They left her to rot in hell; they got no say. Especially since they were up shit’s creek without a paddle and I was sitting on
two
inheritances.”

My eyes instinctively widened and I pursed my lips tightly together. I didn’t blame him, his parents sucked. Even at her death, it was all about the money. My heart ached for him, what he endured when he was still just a kid, and alone.

“They just wanted the whole damn show. The funeral, the headstone, the grief stricken parents. No fucking chance, there was no way I was going to let Kimi’s death be about them and their drama. She would have hated that shit. I had her cremated, then Ash and I spread her ashes in the ocean ... Cape Cod.”

The significance of that last part of what he said was not lost on me. Not by a long shot. And the look on his face told me it was not lost on him either.

“I had a flower garden with a memorial fountain designed for the park. Two of the three things she loved. Flowers and the water. The other was her guitar. I was close to having music piped through the entire park as well.”

For the first time I pictured Chase and Kim strumming on their guitars, singing their hearts out, without a worry in the world. I couldn’t blame him for shutting music out of his life. It hurt too much.

“You know, if she wasn’t rocking out on her guitar with me, she was in the garden planting or pruning shit on a Saturday morning. If she wasn’t doing either one of those, she was on her way to the beach. And she wasn’t one to sit around sunbathing in her bikini all day. She loved the water. Body surf, paddleboard, water ski—she was a fish, even when we were really little. Just loved to be in the water.”

I leaned over the console and ran my hand along the nape of his neck. I could have bounced a penny off his rigid shoulders. Talking about Kimi was disquieting.

“I love hearing you talk about your sister. She was such an important part of your life. I want to hear these memories, all of them. She played a huge role in forming the man
I
love. I want to know everything. The good and the bad.” I squeezed his shoulders repeatedly, hoping for some release and steadied my voice. “You need to know I love you for who you are today. She made you this man.” I quickly swatted at a lone tear that snaked across my nose, hopefully hidden under my sunglasses. I needed to stay strong.

He released his hand from the steering wheel and caressed my inner thigh. The intimate gesture was his unspoken words. The emotion he kept pent up for so many years was finally surfacing. I knew he never thought about himself the way that I did. Selfless. Generous. Compassionate. Hell, the list could go on all day.

He spoke not another word while parking the car. He continued to use only his soft touch and gentle lips to speak to me. As much as I feared the retreat into his head, I left him alone to his thoughts. He was not retreating from me. I hoped I was his solace. We passed under an arched wrought iron pergola veiled in variegated ivies, climbing roses and wisteria. The floral combination was breathtaking. This led us to a maze of stone pathways flanked by a sea of perfectly manicured green grass, dark green hedges and pristine flower gardens. Stone park benches were interspersed across the landscape.

“Let’s sit,” I whispered. The natural beauty of the scene and its emotional meaning was completely overwhelming. This park was created in memory of Kimi.

“Not yet,” he mouthed, pulling me close. Chest to chest, I heard the erratic beat of his heart and his labored breath. He struggled for any ounce of control exposing his vulnerability. The heartache in his gaze was desperate; he was crumbling.

“You are strong enough, Chase.” I lifted my sunglasses, exposing my eyes. He needed our connection, our calm. “If I could give you just one thing in this moment it would be to see yourself through my eyes. To see just how strong you are. How special you are. How you’ve taken the most horrendous tragedy and created nothing but pure sweet.” The tears he tried so hard to control spilled over. I gently ran my finger along the edge of his jaw, wiping them away. “Oh Chase, she loves you, she’s not mad at you, she never was. She would have never wanted you to live your life with this bottled-up guilt. Let it go—for her, for you, for us.”

It was as if I told him it was okay. Okay to finally let it out. The tears that streamed from his eyes were not angry or guilty; they were tears of relief and forgiveness.