Beautifully Awake (28 page)

His guilt on so many levels all made sense. Even Asher’s response, after I went all filter-less and spewed about my unplanned pregnancy, made sense now.
He told you?
Our fucked up pasts shared so many commonalities, no wonder Chase feared our relationship. That we were unhealthy. I was the reminder of everyone he felt he failed all those years ago. Hell, he went as far as to parallel himself to a rapist. But he was the furthest thing from a selfish fuck-face. He was just a kid who had to live through some really shitty, sad and unfortunate events. And spent a lifetime beating himself up, literally, trying to make up for what was out of his control.

I straddled over Chase’s legs to face him. My hands rested on the sides of his abdomen. Over the characters that sent a chill down my spine.
First do no harm.
His reasoning replayed in my head—
it’s a reminder.

“You are nothing like that bastard. Do you hear me? You are a lot of things ... generous and sweet, sexy and playful. You are intense and bossy, possessive and jealous, but you are not selfish. And you are not dangerous. You were a kid and really shitty things happened. None of which were your fault. And I’m sure, without a doubt, that Talia eventually realized how much pain you were in when you acted out. You were just as scared and lost as she was. And no matter how bad you feel about your behavior, it was still her choice. You didn’t take that away. You need to forgive yourself. Trust me ... if she loved you like she said she did—she forgave you years ago.”
I should know, because I love you.

“It doesn’t matter if I spend the rest of my life making up for all of it, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the reason my own sister and child are dead.
I killed them
.”

Chase opened his mouth to keep talking, but I’d heard enough. So I responded the only way I knew Chase would hear me. Even if I jumped up and down screaming
it’s not your fault,
words were futile. I leaned forward and showed him he was worthy of forgiveness and love. My love. My kiss was tender and long.

When I pulled away breathless, I still saw a hint of doubt behind those grey eyes.

“How can you look at me with those beautiful eyes, Blue, knowing what I’ve done? How can you block all of it and not see
him
when you look at me?”

“Because, I can.”

Something shifted in his eyes; I got through that tough exterior of muscle. He believed me. He trusted me. Since I had his words to thank for penetrating, I inched forward to seal the deal and kissed the tip of his nose.

I couldn’t deflate my swollen heart if I tried. Everything finally felt right. Felt peaceful. No more secrets, no more doubts. The cold saltwater lapped against our legs. Our bottoms were wet. The tide changed and it was perfect.

Chase’s smile reached his crystal greys. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

Oh here we go again.

I giggled. It felt good to giggle. My Dr. Playful was back. Hopefully for good. “No, why don’t you tell me? I thought I made it clear that I’m over the guessing game. It didn’t work so well for us, remember? I’m a much bigger fan of truth.” I playfully brushed my fingers through his hair.

Chase looked more serious, still relaxed, but intent. “I love you, Lili. That’s truth.”

Oh my god.

Was I really hearing the words I had hoped to hear for weeks now? Deep down I knew he loved me, his actions showed me, but I convinced myself the words wouldn’t make a difference.

They made a difference.

They made a huge freaking difference.

They made it real.

“Truth ... I love you too, Chase. I love
all
of you, even the parts you can’t seem to love about yourself.”

For once, if life threw in a pause during our moment I would have freaked. The man
I
loved was sitting on my favorite beach telling me he loved me. There was no way in hell this wasn’t playing out live.

“S
it down, baby.” I perched myself on the shower bench and leaned against the slick cold tile, closing my eyes. The warm spray pounded against my sore limbs. Between my insanely early morning run and standing on spike heels for four hours straight, I wanted to collapse. I took a large cleansing breath as the steam from the shower billowed between us. My eyes fluttered open to find Chase’s heavy-lidded gaze devouring my body. He languidly dragged his tongue along the seam of his lips before clamping down on his bottom lip. My nipples immediately tightened in response, shooting a deep ache straight between my legs. I, too, leisurely lowered my gaze to take in all of him. And there was a lot of it. It was evident exactly what I was doing to him and the lust in his eyes told me he knew exactly what he was doing to me.

“You are so freaking sexy,” I gasped.

“You ... you’re beautiful inside and out.” He knelt down in front of me and picked up one of my feet. The pad of his thumb circled over each of my toes before he made his way to the arch of my foot. I moaned in spite of myself. “You fucking kill me when you look at me with those sweet eyes.”

“Mmmm.” I floated in bliss as he treated the other foot with the same tenderness. All those years after the rape I drifted emotionless and colorless, accepting that as my new reality. Somehow this man crushed my wall, made me feel safe again, introduced me to honest intimacy ... and loved me. He loved me.

His gentle assault continued to my calves and then my thighs. It was heavenly.

“God Chase, that feels so good.”

“I going to make you feel even better … turn and kneel on the bench, baby.”

My body tightened for a split second, a split second too long for Chase not to notice.

“Blue, what is it? Talk to me.”

Shit, my insecurities were ruining the moment. Images of my face planted against my hard desk as fuck-face raped me from behind twisted my gut. I quickly stood and turned to face the tile wall, hoping a coy smile could mask my reaction. I refused to let that fucker invade
our
intimate moment.

“Talk to me, baby,” Chase whispered again, his warm chest now against my back.

“It’s him.”

Chase’s body tightened. “It’s him, what?” he growled, knowing as much as I did our moment was crashing. “That motherfucker took you from behind. Didn’t he? Son of a bitch.”

I jumped when he slammed his fist against the shower wall then buried his face in my neck.

“Chase, please. Don’t let him ruin this, please, this is ours. I want you ... I need this, please.” I couldn’t let that bastard win. He had no power over me. Not anymore.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking livid about what he did to you, but you’re right. No more, Blue.” His voice instantly softened. He slid his hands up across my stomach to cup my breasts, gently tugging on my hard buds. “I want to erase those memories. I want to be your only memory.” His mouth kissed and sucked at that spot between my neck and collarbone. My head fell to the side giving him better access. My temple rested against the cold tile, sending a shiver up my spine. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. His wet tongue swept up my neck until it hovered over my ear. Then he began to hum. My breath caught. I was stunned into silence, listening and savoring every sweet note. I’d never heard him sing. The tension surrounding music in his life was because of his sister. A place he never visited. The part of his life he kept trapped deep beneath his beautiful, yet he was bringing me there. To that hole in his heart. I could tell he sensed my body relaxing again. “Get on your knees for
me
, only me. I would never ever hurt you, baby, you have to know that. I promise to take it slow, but we are going to do this. We’re going to wash it all away forever.”

I did as I was told without a bit of hesitation. I trusted him. I loved him.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, smiling against my cheek before he peppered me with sweet soft kisses. And then I heard his voice. Low, deep, and masculine.

My eyes welled. He was singing my favorite song. All those times he let me choose the music in the operating room, when he said he couldn’t care less, he listened. Took note.

I reached behind and touched what I wanted. What I needed. I brought him to my entrance, urging him on. I was so wet, so ready. He gently slid inside me, and I gasped at the pure tenderness. His soft breath continued to bathe the nape of my neck. He was intoxicating. Tears of pure joy poured down my cheeks as he pushed deep into me from behind, erasing every sour memory, making sweet love to me.

“I won’t give up on us.” His arrangement was the sweetest I’d ever heard.

His embrace tightened around my chest while he continued to sing. I couldn’t tell where my body ended and his began. The promise in his message was crystal clear. He was done running and willing to fight for me, for us.

“Lili, truth. We are worth it.”

He owned my heart and my soul. My climax built within minutes. His length grew harder as he rocked against me, filling me. I knew he was getting close and I wanted our release to be together. His voice was raspy and sexy as hell as he sung through his roaring orgasm. He shuddered once against me, causing me to join in our earth shattering union.

He slowly pulled out and nestled us onto the bench. “Look at me, Lili.”

My blissfully sated lids opened to his tender gaze.

“I love you so fucking much, you are my world.” He buried his face into my neck and clung to me. I was his lifeline as much as he was mine.

“A
bout time you lovebirds left the room,” Sierra shouted from Dodd’s lap.

Chase laughed and I totally blushed, but was hopefully hidden by the night sky. We had spent most of the early evening reacquainting each other with every square inch of our bodies. We finally joined the rest of the gang on the beach for a late night bonfire. The only illumination coming off the dark ocean backdrop was the swirls of reds and oranges escaping from the crackling wood. The scene around me was pure contentment. My friends were laying on cozy blankets enjoying late night cocktails. Their soft voices, laced with laughter, were drowned out by the ocean waves crashing on the shore. This was peace. I was finally at peace. My body trembled slightly; maybe the breeze off the water gave me a chill.

“You chilly, baby? I’ll run to the room and grab another sweater,” Chase whispered as he pulled me tight to his side, running a hand up and down my arm.

“I’m fine.”
Better than fine. More fine than I’ve been in three years.
“Just really happy,” I whispered back.

“Me too, Blue. Me too.” His grin killed me.

“So he’s finally sharing you?” Sierra rolled her eyes in Chase’s direction. Her sarcasm was lost on no one.

“And so it starts,” I mumbled with apologetic eyes.

Sierra walked over and tugged on my hand, leading me back toward her spot in front of the fire. Chase didn’t let go of my other hand.

“Look at you two, it’s like you’re glued together.” She pouted her lips in the most unattractive way. I had to remember to tell her, she needed to rethink her
grossed out
face. For sure.

Dr. Possessive might have agreed to share for a few hours, but that didn’t stop him from staking his claim. He picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder.

“Chase,” I whined, giggling like crazy. If it were anyone else, I probably would have been seriously turned off by such caveman antics. But I wasn’t. It was Chase. My Chase. And I loved how much he needed to feel close to me.

“Oh fine, you can come too,” Sierra’s eye roll was a little warmer this time. Dr. Charming was working his magic.

“Thanks, but I’d like that invitation to extend to your spa day when you’re soaking in seaweed and wearing those fluffy robes.” Chase flashed that killer smile. Sierra didn’t have a chance.

It was Sierra’s turn to laugh. She turned to look at me as Chase was putting me down. “That’s it! I’m calling him Dr. P ... possessive and pushy.” Everyone including Chase erupted into laughter. My BFF was caving. I knew she would see past intense Chase and see the man I loved.

“Sorry, Chase, you’ll get used to her soon enough. Blunt and bossy are her middle names.”

“Whatever, Dodd,” Sierra huffed, waddling toward her seated husband. Yep, she was officially a waddler.

“What, hun? I love that about you, you’re always so matter of fact.” Dodd seductively ran his hands up Sierra’s side, pulling her down onto his lap and kissing her deeply. PDA was not lost on those two. “Lord help me, though, if our baby girl has half your sauce. I’m in trouble.”

“Get a room! Make a baby ... oh wait, you already did that,” Jack yelled from the other side of the bonfire as the catcalls filled the air. We all laughed again.

“See, Sier, you can dish it, but you can’t take it. Dodd’s gotta suck your face to keep you from pouting.”

Even though Sierra was funny, super sarcastic and hard as a rock on the outside, her heart was warm and fuzzy. And she was my rock through thick and thin. Always there to pick up my pieces, no matter day or night. I thought back to how many times over this month alone she saved my ass from falling over the edge into that deep dark hole.

“No, I just like when he sucks my face.” Typical Sierra.

I grinned. “You’re too much, Asspuck.”

Chase had joined Dodd on the blanket, falling back onto his elbows. His linen button down pulled across his chest just enough to see that tanned skin I craved. He was so sexy and all mine. I couldn’t help but smile. He totally caught me checking him out, then cradled me onto his lap and whispered in a low gravelly voice, “
Dr. P
can think of a couple other areas I would love to suck right now.”

Oh no he didn’t.
God, I hoped it was just a whisper. I blushed bigtime.