Beautifully Awake (24 page)

“Oh just working, keeping busy.” I still sipped from my first margarita. Just wasn’t going down as quickly as I hoped. The familiar tight knot and constant burn in my chest wasn’t mixing well with alcohol. Shocker. Guy grabbed a glass, filled it to the brim and went bottoms up within minutes.

“Man, I needed that. Long fucking week.” He leaned against the bar crossing his legs at his ankles. “Shit, and it’s only Thursday. One more day dealing with Colton and his fucking running battle wounds.”

I nearly spit out my drink as my lungs ceased. I slid my hand between my crossed legs and squeezed my thigh so hard I definitely left a mark. I felt Sierra’s eyeballs boring a hole into the side of my face. There was no way I could make eye contact.

“I guess I really shouldn’t complain. He’s been a total dickhead, but I’ve gotten to do a shitload of operating.”

I was waiting for my lungs to start working while Guy pounded a second margarita.

“Hey, excuse us, Guy.” Sierra stepped right in, not letting that conversation go on for a second longer. “I need to steal the girls for a little pregnancy girl talk, we’ll catch up with you in a bit.” Sierra gave him her sweetest smile.

My eyes spoke novels—thank you.

“Jack just went to the end of the bar, some type of sporting event is on.” She motioned to the very large flat screen hanging at the other end of the bar.

“Gotta hang with my dudes … check out the game. See ya in awhile.”

I slumped in my chair and picked up my margarita.

“What’s wrong with you, Asspuck, still nursing your first margarita?”

“Shut it, Sier—I’m fine.” Now my eyes turned devilish, screaming
leave-me-alone
.

“Anyway, chicas, I had an emergency visit with the OB today.”

I perked up. “And why is this the first time I am hearing of this? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re good, nothing serious.” She waved me off. “I didn’t want to interrupt you at work with my
woes
of pregnancy—I believe those were your exact words.”

I glared at her. Bitch.

“Because the last time you called me it was the ass crack of dawn, and you were complaining about a freaking hemorrhoid that
Dodd
found,” I responded defensively even though I knew she was teasing me. The girls erupted into laughter. Sierra was the loudest.

“That was fucking hilarious. Come on, Lil, you know it was.”

Leanne was laughing so hard a tear trickled down her cheek. Kate was clutching her sides. “Just wait, you bitches. You’ll have a baboon ass too.”

“Stop, Sierra, you’re killing us.” Kate giggled.

“If it wasn’t serious, what the hell had you in a panic?” I asked.

“I woke up out of a dead sleep last night with this crazy itchy skin. I seriously thought I was going to scratch a fucking hole in my stomach. My belly was covered in these red bumps. I freaked out and woke Dodd up. I made him Google it at three in the morning. I was clawing the shit out of my skin. I must have looked like a fucking cat rubbing my body against anything firm enough to hold my weight.”

I couldn’t help snickering. “So what the hell was it?”

“Something called PUPPS. I guess a puppy analogy would have been more appropriate.” We all shook our heads in sync and laughed. Sierra knew how to make even the worst situations funny. “Anyway, it’s some crazy ass skin condition in pregnancy that only 1% of the pregnant population gets. Of course I have to be the fucking 1%. Just my damn luck. I’ve been slathering this damn cream on it all day, and thank god it’s helping. Shit, just thinking about it makes me squirm. I’ll be right back I gotta re-lather.”

“She’s hilarious, Lil,” Kate said.

I nodded in agreement but was distracted by Guy’s fast approach.

“Doll,” he slurred. Oh shit, he was drunk. “Come on, let’s dance. You owe me.” He grabbed my hand, tugging me from my chair.

“Guy, you’re drunk.”

“What? So. I just wanna dance.”

We weaved our way through sticky bodies to the center of the dance floor. Guy wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close. My heart rate shot up in the
oh crap
sort of way. Damn, I should have made an excuse. The way his warm breath bathed my neck sent a shiver down my spine. This was dangerously close to going over the friendship line. And his dancing ability was not lost on me. He was good. Too good. His body rhythmically swayed and moved with the beat perfectly, coaxing me with him.

“You smell so good, Lil.” He nuzzled his face in my neck.

“Guy,” I warned, tightening my body and backing away slightly.

“Oh doll, just dance with me.” He languidly dragged his hands up my body, caught up in the moment. Or that was what I hoped. Catching me off guard, his lips brushed against mine. I blinked frantically and moved my face. Guy ignored my flinch, possessively sliding his hand around the base of my neck. His lips attacked mine in a deep, hungry kiss. I softened for just a moment enjoying his warmth, only to jerk back with my head spinning. Deprived of some much-needed air, I pushed against his chest trying to gain my space. What the hell?

“Shit, Lil, I’m sorry. I just thought ... fuck.” He bowed his head and looked away.

A pang of guilt washed through me. If I had opened my damn eyes I would have seen this coming from a mile away. His flirting, our banter, his need to somehow touch me in any situation. Damn.

“Guy, no, I’m sorry if I was leading you on ... it’s just ... I thought we were just friends.” I turned away. “I’m just gonna head back to the bar.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he stuttered. Obviously embarrassed, he shook his head, muttering several more expletives under his breath. I decided long ago that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies, and I learned tonight they were only reserved for Chase.

Completely flustered, I weaved my way through the mass of people bumping and grinding and grabbed my bag. I mumbled to the girls that I left my phone in my car and I would be back. Pushing through the front door of the bar, I stopped and let out a long breath.

“What the hell,” I sneered. A drunk couple stumbled out the door and slammed into my side. Unsteady on my heels, my ankle buckled. “Shit!” I tried to catch myself. Two strides later I was on my knees in the middle of the freaking parking lot.

“Lili, what the fuck, are you okay?” The voice behind me sounded labored and panicked. His voice. A voice I craved more than anything, now made me fiery mad. What was he doing here? “Why are you on the ground? Are you drunk? Are you hurt?” Apparently missing the collision, he lifted me off the ground.

Chase’s face was chiseled ice; his stare so cold. Goose bumps prickled my freshly shaven legs despite the August heat.

“I’m fine.” I was so
not
fine. I turned on my heel and spotted my car. The burn in my knees and the warm trickle of blood sliding down my shin reminded me how
not
drunk I was.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“Home.”

“Like fuck you are. You’re drunk!”

“Chase, I am not having
this
conversation in the middle of a bar parking lot,” I hissed, waving an aggressive finger between us.

As much as I wanted him, wanted to jump in those ripped arms and rewind to the morning before I walked into that courtroom when Chase still saw only his pure sweet, I couldn’t. There was no erasing the past few weeks. No erasing the pain. My eyes darted to his hands, clutched in tight fists by his sides. Even white-knuckled, I saw the deep bruises on his left hand. My gaze shifted back to his face. The line was faint, but the gash Kate described was still there, marring his gorgeous face. My head spun. Why? Damn it, he was the one who left me, told me to leave. He was torturing us both. Everything was so fucked up. I yanked my car keys out.

“I saw him kiss you, Lili.” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Do you have any idea what that just fucking did to me? I wanted to plow through that crowd, rip him off you and beat him to a pulp. I can’t...” I turned around. The rage in his eyes was tangible. Dr. Intensity met Dr. Jealousy. “Why was he kissing you?”

I blinked several times, unsure of how to respond.

“Why are you here?” I punctuated, but Chase just stared in my eyes. “You know what, Chase, I don’t want to know.” I continued walking to my car, yelling over my shoulder. “I’m going home now. When you’re ready to talk, fine. You know where to find me, but I’m not doing
this
in the middle of the fucking night.” I opened my car door, slid inside and slammed the door shut. He snapped from his trance and banged on the window, desperation in his eyes.

“No, baby, no. Get out of the car. Don’t you dare drive! Fuck!”

I realized at that moment he actually thought I was drunk. My blood boiled. Screw that. I started my car.

Chase wildly banged his hands on the back of my car. “Blue, get out of the fucking car!” But I pulled away.

On the drive home, tears pooled behind my contacts. Angry tears, confused tears, heartbreaking tears. How the hell did we get here? My pride took a backseat to blurry vision, and I finally blinked hard, allowing the salty streams mixed with mascara to stain my face. So much for holding it together. I stopped at a red light and glanced in the rearview mirror. Chase was following me. His headlights reflected in my rearview mirror, but I saw the fire in his eyes.

“Calm down, Lil.” Now he had me talking to myself.

Luckily there was a parking spot right in front of my apartment. I parallel parked while Chase swerved two cars ahead in front of the fire hydrant.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” He sprung from his car, slamming his car door so hard I thought the glass was going to shatter into a million pieces.
Holy shit.

He aggressively flung my door open to help me out. My insides were on fire. His trembling hands gently caressed my face, wiping my stained cheeks. The look in his grey eyes seared my soul. It was a look I never wanted to see again. Ever. It was ... fear.

He clenched his eyelids closed and pressed his damp forehead against mine. His breathing was labored and I felt his heart beating out of his chest. He chanted to himself, just above a whisper, “Fuck ... fuck ... fuck.”

I stood there. Still. My pulse beating in time with his, giving him the pause he needed. The night air was heavy and humid; it was going to rain at any second.

Rain again. I hated the rain. Especially night storms. The sounds, the smell, the crackling in the air—it all reminded me of that night in my bedroom. The rain pelted so hard against the windows it drowned out the sound of fuck-face’s boots coming up the squeaky stairs. Unfortunately, it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the satisfied noises he made when he pinned my face against my desk and forced himself on me from behind. The rain pouring down in sheets had curtained the windows. All I saw when I had no more fight and my body went limp was a blurry prism of color from an outside light. I hated night storms.

A cold raindrop hit my shoulder. One must have hit Chase too, or he felt me shiver, because he suddenly stopped chanting and removed his head from mine.

“Why would you do that?” His voice was low and gravelly, the anger clearly audible.

I stepped back, needing to put some space between us. It was impossible to think clearly when consumed by his intoxicating smell. I was still mad. Did he really think I would drink and drive?

“I’m not drunk, Chase.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Don’t lie to me, Blue. I saw you fucking fall in the parking lot!” He raked his hands through his hair like a crazy man and let out a growl. A fucking growl. Then he squatted down, taking in deep breaths. I suddenly felt awful for whoever had been in the ring with Chase the past few weeks. But he didn’t scare me. I knew he would never hurt me like that. Instead I was scared for him.

“I’m not lying!” I screamed. “That’s
your
MO, remember? I had two sips of a margarita.” I was still angry as all hell, but seeing him like this killed me more. He lifted his head and we connected. I knew he believed me, but his confusion still resonated. “You try walking in these freaking things!” In my fury, I kicked my foot out to gesture my ridiculously expensive heel. The sexy Jimmy Choo went flying and missed Chase’s face by a millimeter.
Shit.
My mouth dropped open. Flying shoes didn’t really help my
I swear I’m really sober
argument.

Chase grabbed my shoe and stood straight up. He closed the short distance between us and handed me my shoe. “Why would you let me believe you were drunk? Why didn’t you just say so in the parking lot? Do you have any idea?”

I was getting really tired of him saying that. “NO! I have no fucking idea about anything. Because you don’t tell me anything!” I pushed hard against his chest. He didn’t budge. I felt like my neck veins were going to explode. I guess I could rest assured that I didn’t have a brain aneurysm because I was pretty sure my blood pressure at that moment would have ruptured it. Rain started to fall. Hard, big drops.

“I lost my twin sister because of a drunk driver.”

I held my breath.

“She was pissed off at me. She made the stupidest decision of her life and got in the car with a drunk eighteen-year-old who thought he was invincible.” His body went rigid as the rain fell harder. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. “Blue, I swear, when you got in that car. All I could think about was losing the most important person in my life again.”

He swiped at the rain falling against his face. I hated the pain I saw in his eyes. Memories came flooding—all the times Chase commented about drinking and driving, Pete always driving us home after every outing with alcohol (no matter how little), Chase’s overreaction the night at Rosa’s when I said Guy would drive me home. Asher never told me what happened to his sister, but how did I not put two and two together?

Letting out my breath, I cupped his wet face this time. “Hey, I’m right here, I’m fine. Oh Chase, I had no idea about your sister. I’m so sorry. I should have never let you think I was drunk. I was ... just mad and hurt and confused.”

He was distant; his eyes were empty. He broke our connection and paced back and forth. The rain was pouring down his face.

“Aaaahhh!” he shouted up toward the sky. “That night...” He dropped down to a squat and raked his hands through his wet hair again. His elbows rested on his knees as he gripped his forehead. “It was just so fucking stupid. I was so selfish. All I was thinking about was my goddamn self. I should have been watching out for my sister. FUUUCK!”

I dropped down in front of him on my already scraped knees. “Chase, look at me.” I removed his clenched fists from his forehead and made him look at me. Again I saw nothing.

“Goddammit, Chase, fucking look at me.” I needed him to return to this moment.

He blinked several times, and then I saw guilt, regret, and sadness roll through him. As mad as I was, he needed my comfort.

“You were young, Chase.
She
was young, and people make decisions that can change lives forever. It wasn’t your fault your sister got into that car.” I went into social worker mode. “You can blame yourself all you want, but it was
never
your fault. You said you should’ve been there for her, but you know what? She might have gotten into that car anyway. It wasn’t your decision to make … it was hers. You lost your sister, your twin. To lose someone you love—that deeply alters
your
life forever. I realize the pain never stops. Not ever. And the gap in your heart never closes, but it’s okay. That hole in your heart is a shape that no one else will ever fit. You don’t want them to. It’s the place where you can reminiscence and cherish your happy memories.”

The tears began somewhere in the middle of me talking. Chase sat on the ground and pulled me onto his lap. He gripped me so tight and buried his head in my chest so deep, while a sob tore through his body. His warm tears soaked my already wet body. I stroked his hair and clung to his back as I tried to calm him with my gentle words. We sat like that, holding each other for a long time. Nothing but the rain filled the air.