Beautifully Awake (21 page)

“Thanks, Asspuck.” My lips curled up slightly. “You here to make me feel better or worse?”

“Oh thank fuck, was that almost a smile? Because seriously, Lil, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with you when I first walked in. You looked like you needed some sort of IV. Xanax, or vodka, something.”

“Nice, real nice. And you call yourself a best friend. You think I’m screwed up ... well, just so you know, you’re not that far behind.” We both truly half smiled. Then we proceeded to rehash every word of my conversation with Chase until exhaustion lulled us under.

When the sun beamed through my very open drapes, I reached for my glasses and peeked at my clock. 8:46 AM. I smelled the coffee. Thank god for Sierra.

“That decaf?”

“Good morning to you, too. And ... hell no! I wouldn’t do that to you.” She handed me a piping hot cup.

“Mmmm.” The piping liquid burned going down, reminding me I wasn’t dreaming. Yesterday wasn’t just a really long, really bad dream.

“What’s on today’s agenda? We have a shower to plan, you know.” Distraction was Sierra’s go-to plan. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t.

Her plan had merit, so I decided to suck it up and rally. It was the least I could do for the world’s best BFF, who dragged her very pregnant butt out of bed to comfort me. “We do, don’t we?” I grabbed my laptop and sat on the couch. “Let’s work on the menu, figure out what you want to serve.”

“Yay, sounds good to me.” She found her iPad deep in her purse and sat next to me. Sierra’s bag made my monstrosity look like a change purse. “But you pick the food. The thought of anything food related this early in the day makes me want to hurl.”

Her grossed out expression cracked me up. “I thought your morning sickness was over.”

“It is … as long as I don’t think about food.” Okay. “Besides, drinks are more fun. The shower’s early enough for mimosas, right?” She didn’t appreciate my eye roll. “What? I’ll be eight months by then. I can totally have a sip. A little champagne’s not going to hurt. It’s probably healthy. Just ask your doctor-” She stopped herself midsentence and scrunched her face, looking like a deer in headlights.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. I’m not going to lose it at the mention of his name.”
I hope.
“Anyway, today’s about you, not me. Okay? And to answer your question, I think mimosas sound perfect … for everyone but you.” She pouted and I laughed. “Come to think of it, see if they have a Krug Ambonnay or something that sounds like that. It’s really yummy.” I was surprised I remembered the champagne label from Asiate.

“Fine, but I’m totally having a sip. Hmm, I can’t wait.” Sierra rubbed her round stomach.

“Fine, one sip,” I deadpanned.

“Hear that, sweet girl? Aunt Lili said we get to have a glass of champagne at your party.”

What happened to a sip?
She was too damn much, but watching her talk to her unborn daughter was too freaking adorable. I wanted that one day.

We got to work diligently researching our menus.

“Holy shit! Lili, do you have any idea how expensive that champagne is? When the hell did you drink that?”

“Um ... when Chase took me to New York, he ordered two bottles for us.”
You know, the most amazing night of my life.

“Two bottles! Holy shit, you said he had
some
money, but come on, who spends fifteen thousand dollars on champagne? I’m all for a little splurge, but that’s insanity!”

Holy shit, she was right. Fifteen thousand dollars on a drink. And for no real reason. That was
insane
.

“Let’s be honest, Lil, doctors don’t make that kind of money anymore. Brain surgeon or not. Think about it ... freaking personal driver, two sick apartments, a bazillion dollar shopping spree that you said yourself he treated like a stroll through Target. What did he do, win the lotto or something?”

I never really thought about it.

“I ... I don’t know. His family has money, I think. Or maybe it’s from whatever device he invented or his company in Boston.”

“He owns a company? He invented shit? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about any of this?”

“Because I’m not really sure.” Suddenly I was … embarrassed. And not over yesterday’s courtroom debacle, or how the secret of my rural disaster betrayed Chase’s trust. I was ashamed that I couldn’t answer a simple question about this man, a man I’d grown to
trust
. I was an open book now, yet he was still a mystery.

“Not really sure?” she rightfully questioned. “I get he’s ridiculously hot and all, and I can only imagine how sick the sex is, but you can’t screw twenty-four, seven. So what the hell do you two talk about? Owning a company and being stupidly rich seems relatively major to me.”

Good question
.

“You’re right. I know. But he doesn’t talk about himself that much. He hasn’t really told me anything.” God, I sounded pathetic. Now I was the one who was nauseous.

“And there lies the problem, girlfriend. No communication.” Sierra
wasn’t
a lot of things, but blunt was
not
one of them.

S
ierra left sometime in the late afternoon after we finalized the menu, spoke with the florist and picked out the favors. Her power of distraction worked to my advantage. I wasn’t wallowing. Completely. But, it didn’t stop me from checking my phone every five minutes. I was crawling into bed when the damn thing finally chimed.

Busy w Ash in NY.

Take Monday off. -CC

I stared at the mobile device in my hand, rereading his message. What happened to
Xo
? I was tempted to throw the damn thing across the room. All day I contemplated how I was going to react when he finally contacted me, but I wasn’t expecting blood-boiling rage.
Beside myself
. The tone of his text implied he wasn’t expecting a response back, as if he said everything he had to say.
For real?
Damn him. No, fuck him.

Yet all I wanted
was
him. I wanted
us
back. I wanted to feel the warmth of his arms around me. I wanted our intimacy.

I tugged the sheet up to my chin and shut my eyes. Too mad to cry. I cried enough. I cried a lifetime of tears. Control was stolen from me once before, there was no way I was allowing it again. Our relationship was not ending like this. He deserved my truth and I deserved his.

So I did take Monday off, but not because he told me to. I needed the pause. Technically it was the start of my new rotation and I called in sick. Instead of work, I ran until my legs felt like jelly and spent the rest of the day shopping, even though I didn’t need a thing. Chase had filled my wardrobe with enough new clothes to last several seasons. Instead I shopped for Sierra’s baby. And did I ever, enough to last
her
several seasons.

A text came in as I was paying for my coffee.

Gone for the week on business

Leaving after work. -CC

Where r u?

CC is obviously doing just fine without me.

I plopped down at a table outside of Starbucks and fiddled with my packages, pretending I wasn’t obsessively waiting or willing my phone to chime back. But there was no response. Nothing, that was it.
Bullshit.
He never mentioned a business trip, probably because it was never planned. Was he kidding me? He was treating me like a stranger. Maybe that’s exactly what we were. Strangers. Conveniently fucking.

T
uesday morning came way too early. Back in heels and trying to pull myself together, I stopped by Jorge’s cart and picked up a latte. Along with Chase, I hadn’t seen my personal Starbucks delivery since we got back from Wrangel. Not that I cared about losing the little luxury, I didn’t. It was a bit over the top to begin with, but I had to admit that his small gesture put a smile on my face every day. It showed he was thinking about me. It was stupid, but it made me feel ... special.

I went directly to my office to let the morning rush die down. Pediatrics was more laid back and I wasn’t responsible for rounding in the morning. I planned to hide out for a little bit before I met up with the new team.

“Hey! There you are. How’re you feeling?” Kate knocked and walked in, all smiles. “Where were you guys yesterday? Everything okay?”

“I called out sick, needed a mental health day.” It was the truth.

“What about Chase?”

I was confused. “What
about
Chase?”

“Well, just that it was weird that the on-call neurosurgeon covered his cases yesterday. Supposedly Chase, um … called in sick.” Kate needed to work on being subtle. “I assumed you two were together...” Her voice got quieter, until I almost couldn’t hear her.

I was totally unprepared for any “us” questions, so I attempted playing it off. “Why would you think that?” Then it hit me, hard. “Wait ... Chase wasn’t here yesterday?”

My mind reeled with questions, one in particular. I had read those damn texts a thousand times. There was no confusion.
Gone for the week, leaving after work.
He lied to me. Damn, he freaking ... lied. But why? I felt a sharp ache beneath my breastbone. An actual ache.

“Don’t be mad, but you know how Leanne has a huge mouth, right?”

I scrunched my eyes and grimaced.

“She kind of told all of us how you had to go home to testify at some trial and that ... Chase might have gone with you.” It sounded more like a question than a statement.

“What do you mean by
all
of us?” I was fully aware of Leanne’s big mouth, but she wouldn’t broadcast her suspicions about us to the entire hospital. Would she?
Shit
.

Kate’s creased brow said it all. “Saturday night when we were all at Rosa’s for the end of rotation happy hour … Leanne might have, kind of, mentioned that you and Chase might be-”

I knew she was trying to be tactful, but her pause was really irritating.

“Anyway, it was ... sort of the whole team. Jackson, Guy, Sam and his wife, and a couple of other fifth floor nurses ... are you mad?”

“No. I’m not mad, Kate.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “It’s fine. Look, I’m happy you told me but I wish Leanne never said anything.” I really, really wished. “But just so you know, the situation between Chase and me ... um, it’s ... nothing.” My chest heaved with a piercing pain. I actually said it was nothing … we were nothing. It was
everything
, at least to me. I tuned out everything around me, allowing all our playful moments to briefly flash like a slide show. He really just walked away like it never happened.
Fuck!

“Hey, are you okay? Where’d you go? You totally spaced on me. Want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” I whispered. Now who was the liar? “I just have to go, I have a lot to do before I meet the peds team up on seven.”

Kate’s round eyes widened, and she pursed her lips together as if to say
bullshit.
I just didn’t have it in me to explain. Not yet. “I’ll see ya later.”

A
ugust was here and I was finally off Chase’s service. Ironically, I pushed for discretion and put a date on going “public” with our relationship when he wanted to tell the world about us and claim me as his own from the beginning. And now I was left solo, fielding questions about
us
with no answers. Chase was gone, who knew where. This sucked. All of it.

The elevator felt like the local train on the way up to seven, stopping on every floor. I sipped my coffee, adding to the inferno already burning my insides. He lied. But why? It wasn’t an insignificant detail he forgot to mention. He blatantly lied. My finger hovered over Chase’s name on my contact list, under ‘favorites’ no less, while I debated calling him out, wanting him to eat his own phrase,
truth.

The elevator opened on five. Guy stepped on. “Doll.” He seemed surprised to see me.

“Hi, you.” I smiled.

“Missed you on Saturday night.” His sentiment was so genuine it almost annoyed me. Of course, I had to fall for Dr. Freaking Mystery. “Hey, is everything okay ... with all that legal stuff you had to deal with ... and with Chase?” He stuttered as if he was nervous to ask.

However, the topic was not up for discussion. Not now. Not ever. My chest tightened, as the elevator walls seemed to be closing in. With nowhere to go I shifted my weight and pressed my back into the corner. Damn, it was awkward.

“Um, Guy, why are you even in here?” I waved at the elevator control panel while Guy looked confused. “You’re a surgeon, right? Shouldn’t you be taking the damn stairs?”

Recognition coated his eyes and he laughed out loud, flashing his adorable dimple. “I gotcha, doll. Glad you’re back, though. Resident schedules got all screwed up. Sam and I are with Colton another month, so I’m sure we’ll see you around.” Guy believed I was
with
Chase. Well, I was, or maybe I wasn’t. “Hey Lil, it’s your floor.”

I didn’t realize the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I stepped off and turned back, hoping he could read between my lines. “Thanks, Guy.” For not drilling me. For being a friend. For always being so sweet.

“Anytime, doll.” Yeah, he read me.

By Friday morning, I was as physically run down as I was emotionally. Literally. I was so dehydrated that I even gave myself a UTI. Between dozens of trips to the bathroom to pee razor blades and the hours I logged in my sneakers ruminating over the days of radio silence, the Central Park loop would have been a freaking cake-walk. All communication with Chase had gone dead. I last texted him Wednesday night, but I still hadn’t gotten a response to
we need to talk?

I kept envisioning how angry he was right after court. And how he morphed into a stranger by the time I stepped out of his car Saturday night. He was ... vacant. His eyes were empty. They were devoid of emotion, no
feeling
. I had suffered through this week without him long enough. I needed to see him whether he wanted to see me or not. It wasn’t a choice.

I stepped outside for the first time all week and let the warm sun bathe my face. I had spent every other lunch break this week choking down crackers and hiding in my office. The unwavering, tight knot in my stomach wreaked havoc on my GI tract.

“Lili?” The voice was vaguely familiar so I turned around and saw bright green eyes shining in my direction. “On lunch?” Dressed in a tailored light suit and carrying a black leather briefcase, I recognized him immediately.

“Um ... hi. What are you doing here?”

Asher leaned down and kissed my cheek. He was the last person I expected to see outside the hospital.

“Nice to see you too, Lili.” He sarcastically chuckled.

“Oh, sorry.” I blushed at my rudeness. “I didn’t know you were in town, you surprised me. I assumed you were still away with Chase on your business trip ... wherever that is.” My voice trailed off.

“Business trip?” Now Asher looked surprised. He studied the sidewalk, avoiding eye contact. “Not sure what you mean. I just drove down to get a few signatures off him. I spoke to him earlier and he told me he had a few cases today. You didn’t see him this morning?”

My nervous stomach took a backseat to my new friend, nausea.
Seriously
. He confirmed it
.
Chase lied. But something about the way Asher asked if I’d seen him made it clear that he was completely unaware of any problem between Chase and me.

“Um, I haven’t really talked to him since last Friday. We ... texted a couple of times. I sent him a message Wednesday night, but I never heard back.” I caught myself fidgeting with my nails. “I assumed he was with you.”

“He was ... last Saturday when he showed up in New York.”

“So wait, he wasn’t away with you all week?” I clipped.

Asher ran a hand through his tawny brown hair. “Shit,” he muttered.

“What, Asher? What aren’t you telling me?”

He stood, pensive. Enough was enough with the boys covering for each other. It was obvious Asher had put his foot in his mouth, but I wasn’t waiting around for him to come up with a plausible lie.

“Well, I need to go. I don’t really have time for this, and I need to be back soon.” I paused, hoping he would slip and say something. Anything. “Good to see you again.”

I made it two steps before Asher gently tugged me back. “Lili, please wait. Chase ... he’s a fucking mess. Saturday was ... intense. I’ve never seen him like this, not even when Kimi died.” A sadness filled his eyes. My jaw dropped open and my throat clogged. That was the last thing I expected Asher to say.

Stuck on
he’s a fucking mess
, my emotions pinballed so quickly between sadness and anger I could barely keep up. Something snapped and my brain-to-mouth-filter turned off. “So I guess when you find out your girlfriend isn’t as pure and sweet as you thought, tarnished with a sad pregnancy story, you become
a fucking mess.
” The anger in my voice was raw as I repeated Asher’s words.

He looked at me with disbelief. “He told you?”

Told me? “Told me what? I have no idea what
you’re
talking about. Remember, he doesn’t tell me a freaking thing.” I crossed my arms against my chest trying to ease the burning pain. “I don’t get it, why won’t he talk to me?” Hot tears filled my eyes.

“Lili, you should talk to him. I’m not comfortable saying any more. I really should stay out of your relationship.”

“Relationship? He left me, Asher, when I needed him the most. He dropped me off and left.” A tear slid down my cheek.

He placed a hand on top of mine and squeezed.

“Lil, you’re upset, and I’m not sure what went down between the two of you, but he’s in a fucked up place right now. Just talk to him,” he pleaded.

I wiped my wet cheek, smoothed my skirt and politely said goodbye. Asher had a bleak look in his eyes, but he was right. I needed to find him.

The empty void deep within filled with a swarm of bees. And within minutes I was on the fifth floor staring at the posted operating room schedule. Chase had cases all day. Back to back. I found Kate in the recovery room right away.

“Lil, you look ... I mean, is everything okay?”

I wasn’t exactly sure what I looked like, but I was guessing it wasn’t good. Kate sympathetically ran a hand down the side of my hair.

“Have you seen Chase today?” My voice was melancholic. I should have been angry. He blatantly lied. But I just needed to see him, make sure he was okay.

“He’s been operating all day, trying to make up for the week off, I guess. I haven’t seen him.”

He always accompanied his patients to the recovery room.
My patients, my responsibility
.

“Oh.” My eyes quickly scanned the room searching for him, even though I knew he wasn’t there.

“He hasn’t been wheeling any of his patients in today, only Guy or Jack, but he still has one case left. I don’t think it started yet. Do you want me to tell him anything if I see him?”

“No, don’t say anything. Actually, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure, anything. You know that.”

“Can you text me when the last case is over?”

“Okay, no problem.”

“Thanks, Kate.” I turned to leave, but she grabbed my arm.

“Lil, I saw him with you. I mean when you guys were in here last week. I saw how he looked at you ... how he touched you.” She smiled softly. Heat hit my cheeks with visions of him claiming my ass. “It was really
sweet
... I hope everything works out.” She wrinkled her brow and shrugged.

“Thanks,” I whispered, almost choking on my words.

At the far end of the room, the OR suite doors pushed open and Chase looked anything but a
fucking mess
. My gut wrenched at the sight of his new case manager flanked at his side. She was a new hire I had only met once or twice in passing, but she was staring up into his eyes,
my eyes
, giggling and hanging on every word he spoke. She had probably just sat in on an awake case. The amount of jealousy I never knew I possessed came to a brimming head. It took everything in my power to not run over there and rip that giggling, flirty mouth right off her face. But what killed me even more was the smile he had for her.