Beautifully Awake (23 page)

“Lil, he’s got to come around ... he’s not gonna give up that easily. That man is head over heels for you.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t come find me? What if that was it? What if it’s over for
real
and his
new
case manager can keep him company?”

“What?”

“Oh yeah, he has a
new
me this month, and they looked pretty comfortable with each other this afternoon.”

“You can’t believe that shit, Lil. If your connection is as fucking nuclear as you say it is, there is no way in hell he’s going to give that up and cheat on you. Listen to me, if he does he’s a fucking fool and you don’t want him anyway. You will be fine. You hear me? You will be
fine
. You are strong—the strongest person I know—and we’ll get through it together.”

“I don’t want it to be over,” I choked. Sierra grabbed my hand.

“Let’s not jump to any insane conclusions yet.” Sierra raised her eyebrows a little. “I’m gonna rally the troops for a night out, you need a distraction. Take your mind off of it for a couple of hours. When is this watermelon coming out?”

“Don’t talk about your daughter like that.”

“Whatever, you would think I was a raging alcoholic, but damn … a night out drinking and dancing sounds great.”

I chuckled. “Typical, Asspuck. Always something sassy to make me smile.” I sounded like Chase commenting on
my
mouth. God, I missed him.

T
he following days and weeks, I avoided every social situation like the plague. No lingering in the hallways, and I definitely stayed off the elevator. Too many awkward and important conversations seemed to go down in that freaking box. Besides, I learned that stairs in heels when you weren’t in a rush had some perks—your butt and calves being two of them.

Everyone avoided me as well. In fact, if avoidance was an art form, Chase freaking perfected it. Not that I was surprised, he told me to leave after all. It hurt like a bitch.

The not-so-hush-hush gossip around the hospital was that Chase and I broke up, with everyone honing in on the timing. Instead of looking like two professionals waiting to be off the same service before exposing a relationship, I looked like a convenient rotational fling. Lovely. My dad would be so proud.

I tried to ignore the chatter, but it was futile. By the second week, even sweet Kate felt compelled to give me a daily report. I’m not sure if it made me feel better or worse. It seemed Chase volleyed between Dr. Intensity and Dr. Asshole these days.

Kate sat down next to me while I worked on some discharge paperwork. “Lili, seriously, what’s his problem?”

“Who?” I knew full well
who
she was talking about.

“Chase, that’s who. He can be a moody turd, hmm?”

Did she just say turd? The girl seriously needed to learn to curse.

“Turd, Kate? Do me a favor, don’t ever use that word again.”

“What’s wrong with turd?”

Seriously?

“Forget it. So what happened?”

“For the past two weeks, Guy, Jackson and I have been working like slaves. I get Chase wanting his own personal team, I do. Actually that’s part of what makes him a better surgeon than the rest. But you think he would give us a little break. Not for nothing, but we’re still making up for the cases he missed the week he was away, on top of being overbooked.” I felt guilty. Kate looked exhausted and I was the reason Chase missed that week. Now my friends were paying for it. “Today he made an appearance in recovery and freaked over the way Guy put the dressing on. Lil, I mean
freaked
. Then he yelled at me because I didn’t fix it.”

“You should have told him to fix it himself if he had a problem.” Maybe turd was appropriate. “Anyway, when did he start letting anyone else put the dressing on? He’s anal about that stuff.”

“Oh, since he busted his hand this week. He’s only been scrubbing for the crazy difficult parts of his cases. Otherwise, Guy and Jackson have been doing everything.”

All I heard was
busted his hand
. My stomach plummeted.

“What happened to his hand?” I tried sounding nonchalant.
What the hell is he doing
?

“I think he said he tripped running or something. His left hand is still really swollen, and he got a nasty gash by his ear.”

Running my ass.

He was fighting, fighting without any gear. Hurting himself and risking his career. I was sick. It was so much more than blowing off steam. Something was eating at him. Why wouldn’t he just tell me?

I made up some stupid excuse why I had to run, again. I was getting good at that. I didn’t want to hurt Kate’s feelings, but I was crawling out of my skin thinking about Chase’s self-destructive behavior. I couldn’t sit still a second longer. And it wasn’t really a lie; I had full intentions of going home to get my sneakers. I needed a few miles to clear my head.

But before I left, Kate said, “Just so you know, Lil, the new case manager—he kicked her out of his OR. Guy made it sound like she isn’t allowed in a mile radius.”

Shit. Now his patients are suffering because of me, too.

Seven miles later, my shins felt like rubber and my ears throbbed from blasting my iPod. Nothing like my favorite Pandora station to make you want to slit your wrists when your heart was already in the process of shattering. Thanks, Jason Mraz.

I felt sick. Sick over ditching work early, sick over finding out Chase’s awake cases were going uncovered now. Sick over missing Chase, sick over how fucked up he was, sick over the fact I was completely in love with him and had no idea if we could ever be together again.

I was almost home when my phone rang.

“Hi Dad! Everything okay?”

“Does something have to be wrong to call my babydoll?”

“No, but you always call on Saturdays.”

“That’s because you usually check in a few times during the week. Don’t want you to think the old man is being a nag.”

Not possible.

“You’re never a nag, Dad. I’m sorry I haven’t called all week, it’s been a little crazy.”

That was a lie. Truth was I knew my dad would ask about Chase and I didn’t know what to say. Dad was still so upset and worrying over everything that went down with the trial. He hated that he couldn’t protect me, then or now. One of the worst nights of my life after the rape was overhearing my dad in his room crying, telling Sharon that he was a failure. That a father’s one job in this world was to protect his child, and he couldn’t do that for me. He couldn’t erase the rape or the trauma of losing a baby conceived in brutality. That was the night I called Sierra and asked if I could spend a little time at her parents’ place in the Cape. That was the night I told her I’d move to Philly. My dad and I both needed a fresh start.

Unfortunately, I knew he felt like a traitor for not leaving Wrangel, even though he couldn’t afford to. He might have been relieved that I was able to get away, but he needed his pension and only had a few years left before he could collect.

That’s probably why he liked Chase so much, or at least the idea of a strong alpha male taking care of his little girl. So it was easier to let him think we were still together.

“It’s okay, I know how busy you are with your job. I just thought you might like to know ... um...”

“Dad, what is it?” I sensed my dad’s hesitation.

“Well, it’s two things. Really good news, I guess. Someone finally got Roy Wayne’s wife to speak up. Heard she testified yesterday and confirmed everything you had said happened all those years ago. About friggin’ time, if you ask me. Anyway, that prosecutor lady stopped by the shop today ... said they were just waiting on the jury to come back, but looks like that sick bastard is going away for a long time.”

Wow. So justice was going to be served after all. I didn’t know how to feel. I probably should have been relieved or vindicated, but I wasn’t. I was definitely happy for the little boy. No more life full of fear. But as far as I was concerned, I was ... numb.

“That’s good news, Dad.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make up for how that damn Reed kid treated you in court.” Dad sounded like was getting himself all worked up. That was the last thing I wanted.

“Dad, really I’m fine. Please, calm down. What’s the other news?”

“How’s Chase doing? Better be treating you well. I like that man. Well, aside from not knowing his ass from his elbow when it comes to hockey, that is.”

“Um, Dad. He’s fine. Why are you changing the subject, though?” Ugh. I chanted
little white lies don’t count
to myself.

“Yeah, well the other news has to do with-” He didn’t need to finish. I knew exactly who he was talking about. My dad and I had similar coping mechanisms. We both adopted the
I’ll be damned if I utter his name again in this lifetime
approach.

“What about selfish fuck-face?”

There was a small pause. I guess I forgot to let Dad in on Chase’s replacement name, selfish fuck-face. My dad never heard me curse.

“Looks like the whole
fuck-face
family is heading to Texas or some shit like that.” My lips turned up slightly at how quickly my dad adopted his new name. “Not that we care. Good riddance. As far as I’m concerned, China’s too close.”

“What? Why would they move?” The Reed family was as Wrangel as they come. Owners of a family restaurant, passed down from generation to generation. They were the epitome of the town motto. Born in Wrangel. Die in Wrangel. And Selfish was the poster boy for ambitionless. Why try if Mommy and Daddy paid your way?

“Seems they can’t afford to renew their lease on the pub. Gonna try their luck down south. Because Texas doesn’t have enough BBQ joints?”

“Dad, that’s crazy. Not that I’m complaining. Good riddance is right. But Reed’s pub has been there forever.”

“Yeah, I know. But heard they’re planning on re-doing that whole shopping center, breaking the pub into a few smaller shops ... one of those cell phone stores and a fancy Chinese joint with the half dead fish.”

I smirked at my dad’s rendition of Japanese food.

“Japanese, Dad. And it’s called sushi.” Even the mention of freaking food made me think about Chase.

“Whatever the hell you call it, I’m sure as hell not eating it.”

“Dad, you’re too much. It’s not bad. Trust me ... you should take Sharon. I bet she’d love it.”

“That rich doctor of yours feeding you that crap?”

I wished he was still mine.

“Dad, I’m just walking in the door. I was out for a run. Mind if I call you later?” I wasn’t in the mood to lie to him a second time tonight, and I couldn’t foresee a way out of a Chase conversation.

“Of course, babydoll, but you better not be running yourself into the ground. You get any thinner and you’ll be skin and bones.”

“I’m not, Dad, promise.”

“All right. I love ya, babydoll. You be safe.”

“Always, Dad. I love you too. Tell Sharon I said hi.”

“Will do.”

“And Dad ... thanks for letting me know ... it helps.”

There was that same pause. I hated the silence, picturing my dad on the other end trying to not crack and be my rock.

“Just make sure you explain the difference between the NHL and minor leagues to that boyfriend of yours before I see you guys next.”

“You got it, Dad.”

What else was I going to say…

W
ith the shower quickly approaching and Dodd away on business, Sierra and I bonded over take-out and shower plans most nights. After the upcoming baby shower weekend I decided I was going to call Chase. Sierra was not on board and made it clear, and I quote, “That fucker should be banging down your door, no way he’ll go that long without your...” I definitely cringed and turned beet red. That girl literally killed me sometimes.

U better be in something cute!

It was a couple minutes before five on Thursday night. We were starting off the shower weekend with a bang at girls’ night out.

If not u better get ur ass home and change

C u at 6!

Sierra tried all week to pull me from my slump. Only one person had that power. I admired my designer black and white Chevron print three quarter sleeved shift dress. He picked this one out for me. Told me it made my legs go on forever, especially when I wore my heels. Once again I was brought back to a happy memory with Chase. But as hard as Sierra worked at monopolizing my time, she couldn’t stop my internal battle. I skirted the edge of either sinking into a deep dark depression or screaming and yelling and throwing things. For my immediate sanity, I hovered right in the middle, asking myself the same question every day. Why the hell was he doing this to us?

I parked myself at the bar and ordered a margarita while I waited for the rest of the girls to join me. They started trickling in at a couple minutes after six. Kate and Leanne, some of the other girls from the recovery room and fifth floor. Kate was all smiles.

“What’s up with you?” I asked Kate. This was the happiest I had seen her in a while.

“Oh nothing.” She batted her eyelashes and looked away.

“Oh please,” I said, holding my hand up to wave the bartender over.

“Just tell her,” Leanne chimed in. “Lili isn’t that fragile.”

“CJ told me he loved me today,” she divulged. Her smile reached her ears. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. CJ sounded like a nightmare most of the time. I’d never wish for a relationship like theirs, but I wanted to smile that big again. I wanted my happiness back.

“That’s great, Kate.” I totally fake smiled. “So when are we ever going to meet the mystery man?”

“I know. I’m so embarrassed he doesn’t want our relationship exposed because we met at the hospital. Doesn’t make sense. Anyway, I told him my friends keep asking.” She shrugged and sipped her margarita. I didn’t know what to say. My BFF had impeccable timing.

“What’s going on, chicas?” Sierra strolled up to the bar in her three-inch platforms and an adorable tight black tube dress.

“Damn girl, you rock that bump,” Leanne exclaimed.

“Sierra, you look amazing.” Kate reached out to rub her belly.

“Figured since my fat ass can’t drink or dance for fear of peeing myself, might as well look cute. Nobody told me you needed Depends when laughing, coughing or bouncing of any kind, for that matter. Damn, this girl is cramping my style.”

We all chuckled. Sierra was seriously a piece of work sometimes; well, most of the time.

“Well, mission accomplished, Asspuck, you look awesome. Here.” I handed Sierra her wine glass filled with seltzer.

“So you guys drink up. I need to watch someone have fun. I’ll bring everyone home later.” We clinked our glasses and sipped.

“Well, well. What do we have here?”

“Jack, what are
you
doing here?” Leanne’s voice raised two octaves as Jack sauntered up to the bar all Rico Suave. He snaked his arms around her waist and ground his hips into her backside. “Jack,” Leanne teased. She definitely wasn’t complaining. Damn, I could tell this was going to be a long night of constant envy.

“Aren’t you two smoking hot.” Sierra didn’t waste a minute.

Leanne blushed and snuggled into Jack’s neck.

“Grab a margarita, Jack.” I motioned to the pitcher.

“Thanks, Lili. Guy and Sam should be right behind me. We weren’t missin’ girls’ night out.” He released Leanne and filled his glass. He motioned for another pitcher. I hadn’t seen Guy since our elevator exchange. I had sudden nervous stomach. He thought I was with Chase then, he obviously knew I wasn’t now.

“Dude, Jack, how’d you get so lucky to surround yourself with the hottest girls in Philly?” It wasn’t surprising how quickly Guy weaseled his way into the middle of our circle. He was such a flirt; he turned every female head in the general vicinity. “Hey doll, where’ve you been all week?”