Beautifully Damaged (21 page)

"Hey, Ember, how are you doing?"

"Have you seen Trace?"

"Last time I saw him he was in the back."

"Thanks, Luke."

I started away from him but he reached for my arm to stop me.

"Maybe you should go home and I'll find Trace and send him to you."

"I'm here, Luke, and I really need to speak with him."

I saw the look; he looked conflicted but then he dropped his hand and took a step back from me.

"Okay, but, Ember, if you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thank you, Luke." And then I acted on instinct and hugged him. "You're a really great friend."

"I don't want to see you hurt, Ember."

I pulled back and smiled before I made my way to the back near the restrooms. When I reached that dark corner I had the most unpleasant case of deja vu as I noticed the shadows in the corner. As I approached I immediately recognized the larger frame. He was in an intimate embrace. There was a long slender leg wrapped around his waist and his hips were moving with deep, hard thrusts. The sight was so similar to that first time that I gasped which had him looking over his shoulder and our eyes met and held before he turned back to the woman. My already broken heart shattered. I turned and started away from him but stopped as fury burned through me. I walked back as my eyes found the tart's.

"Take off, bitch."

I saw fear as she pulled away from Trace, straightened her skirt and hurried off. Trace worked his zipper and the sound broke my heart again. He turned to me but his expression was blank -- completely unreadable. I held his stare before I said, "You fucking coward. After everything, this is how you decide to end it with me?! I love you, you miserable fuck. I saw you, not the man you want everyone to believe you are. I loved that man but you don't give a shit. You whine that everyone in your life sees you as a piece of shit yet you still push me away. I think you want to be miserable and alone. I guess the wounded sob stories get you laid, huh?! You tug on the heart-strings and get off on it."

He stiffened and his jaw clenched but I didn't care. I held his glare as I tilted my head and added, "Well, you go back to your meaningless sex, Trace. Don't let your heart get involved and continue to live a shell of an existence because you're too weak to face your past and move on. But know this; you will never be free of me. I will haunt you, too. I'll become one of your demons, Trace, because I was the one who loved you, truly, hopelessly and completely and I would have given it all to you. Remember that when you're alone and miserable; you had the real deal but you were too much of coward to hold onto it."

I started away from him but stopped and looked back at him from over my shoulder and said, "You can bring your fuck mates home, Trace, since I'll be out of your apartment and your life by tonight."

Then I walked away but it didn't feel anywhere near as satisfying as I thought it would. With each step I took, my anger gave way to heartache. I didn't remember the cab-ride back to the apartment since my mind just shutdown.

My bags were at the front door as I tried to think about where I was going to go but I had a hard time thinking because I hurt everywhere. I sat in the dark living room staring at my picture on the wall as my heart beat painfully in my chest. He wanted to love; he wanted someone close and I really, truly believed that he wanted me to be that person. I could even understand him pushing me away. It was scary to fall in love but for someone who had spent his life being a loner, someone with a damaged past, yeah, it had to be terrifying. What I couldn't understand, what broke my heart was that he had sex with another. He consciously did the one thing that he knew would make me go and that spoke volumes as to his intent. That one act made it heartbreakingly clear to me that he didn't feel for me what I did for him.

I didn't know how long I sat there -- probably longer than I should have -- but I knew that, once I crossed over that threshold, my dream of sharing a life with Trace was over. I was going; my pride demanded it but I stalled because I would never be here again. This apartment wasn't my home anymore and it never would be and that thought had tears burning my eyes. Damn Trace and his fucking demons. Hours passed and I rose to go just as Trace came home and from the way he was fumbling around as he closed the door, I could tell that he was seriously drunk.

"Trace."

I knew I surprised him since he stumbled at the sound of my voice before he eventually turned to me. I didn't know what was going on with him and, despite what I wanted to believe and what was true, the months that we spent together meant everything to me. My heart was already broken and my dreams shattered but I couldn't go without telling him the truth regardless of how much it hurt to speak the words. I pulled my jeans down enough to expose my tattoo.

"I wanted this and I always will. There isn't, and never would have been anything you could tell me that would have made me leave you but I guess I was just fooling myself to believe that it was ever up to me. Was the bitch tonight the first time you stepped out on me or just the only time you wanted to get caught?"

I saw his fists clench at his sides and his jaw tightened but I continued on, "I loved the man you were but that magnificent man who's buried in there somewhere never stood a chance because you'd rather hold onto the pain of the past than fight for your future."

I couldn't bear to be around him; it hurt too much, so I made my way to the door. Trace stepped aside to let me pass. Being so close to him and feeling the heat from his body had me wanting him but I forced myself to keep my distance. I looked up into his eyes and saw that they were brimming with tears and the sight of that cut me like a knife but he broke us, not me.

"Despite your destructive personality, I really hope that one day you'll love someone the way that I love you, someone you are willing to fight, lose and hurt for. Whoever that very lucky woman is, I hope that she loves you just as much. Find a way past your demons, Trace, and let go of your past so you can reach out with both hands to your future. You deserve to be happy, you deserve love and you, Trace Montgomery, are very worthy of that love." I lifted one bag over my shoulder and held the other before I turned from him and reached for the door knob. I couldn't look at him because my tears were just streaming down my face. My voice was barely over a whisper when I added, "I don't regret a second we had together, Trace, not one."

And then I left, pulling the door closed quietly behind me. It hurt so much to walk away from him and the life that I wanted so much to share with him. My tears ran freely down my face as each step took me further away from the dream that was all too fleeting. Once outside, I hailed a cab and climbed into the car but I had no idea what to tell the driver since I didn't really have anywhere to go. I ended up calling Trent.

"Hi, Ember."

"Trent, do you think it would be okay if I stayed with you tonight?"

"What happened?"

"Trace and me, we're over and I don't have anywhere to go."

"Yes, absolutely."

I exhaled in relief. "Thank you, Trent."

"That's what friends are for. I'll meet you at the curb."

I hung up and gave the cabbie the directions before resting my head back on the seat. I was numb and though I felt my heart beating in my chest I was dead inside. Visions of Trace and me together clouded all of my thoughts: at the fair, at his apartment, of the night staying up to the wee hours talking about nonsense, of us sailing and going grocery shopping.

How could someone with so much to give close off so completely? How could he know love to the depths that we did and walk away from it? I told him I'd haunt him but he was going to haunt me, too. He was always going to be there in the back of my mind. I knew that any other man who came into my life would be compared to Trace and that every one of them was going to fall short because for me, it was Trace. I tried to save him from his demons and instead he became my own personal demon.

The cab stopped but I made no attempt to move. I couldn't seem to get my body to listen to my brain. Seconds later the door opened just as a hand reached for me and pulled me out. I looked up through teary eyes into Trent's worried ones. He said nothing as he pulled me into his arms. I fisted the back of his jacket as I pressed my face into his chest and cried for the loss of the man who, I realized in that moment, I never really had.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

-Lao Tzu

I learned a few things about myself and about life after that very painful day when I walked away from Trace. One of those revelations was that I was completely and totally addicted to cake-pops. I was so enamored with those demons of delight that I overcame my own ineptitude with baking and started making my own so I could get a fix at any time of the day or night. Yes, those little mouthfuls of sin gave me, for just a few moments, complete contentment.

Another discovery I made during those weeks was that I could relate to all those sad songs about heartbreak and that sitting with a pint of ice cream and watching
When Harry Met Sally
really did provide a measure of comfort.

The five stages of grief were real and for me, I lingered a good long time on the anger phase. Throughout the weeks and months that followed, visuals spontaneously popped into my head of how Trace would come to an untimely death; they were really very gruesome, horrifying and oh so delightful which led to the next thing I learned. I had a flair for the dramatic; who knew?

Lastly, I learned that heartbreak makes you stupid. Why, you ask? Well, because after I saw Trace with that woman, all rational thought left my head. My relationship with him became defined by that one moment. My brain was completely unable to get past the fact that he had knowingly and intentionally broke us when he cheated. Yes, he told me he was over me but then he also held onto me late at night as if I was the only thing keeping him from falling into that pit with his demons.

If I learned anything during my time with Trace, it was that he was a walking contradiction and more he was forever undermining himself with the image he projected. I knew all these things but when your heart is broken, when you can't find the strength to get out of bed or find the will to function on any level beyond crying until you are dehydrated and puffy, thinking logically is just so not going to happen. It wasn't until I went home for Christmas and had a heart-to-heart with my dad that my brain began to stir to life.

Christmas came only days after the break-up and going home, when I was hurting so much, was exactly where I needed to be to lick my wounds. I invited Trent to join me since he usually spent the holidays alone. Trent and my dad really tried to keep my mind preoccupied with tree trimming, caroling, eating, and playing poker. My surrogate dads were there, too, and I must say that the timing was wise because Trace couldn't have planned a better time to break my heart; my family really helped to soothe the hurt.

My dad was wonderful in his comfort of me but I noticed the pain and disappointment in his eyes at the news that Trace and I were over. He had liked Trace and I think part of the reason he did was because he knew that there was a world of hurt just under Trace's tough exterior.

My dad seemed to realize it was hard for me to talk about it so he didn't push but he offered one little piece of advice and that conversation stayed in the back of my head and eventually was what got me thinking again. He said, "Most people go through their entire lives and never find what you and Trace have. Before you walk away from something that precious and rare, be sure you're doing it for the right reasons."

"He cheated, Daddy."

"Did he?"

"I don't understand. I saw him!"

"Coincidental, don't you think? You just happened to find him right at the moment that would damn him in your eyes. Look, Ember, I don't know what's going on with Trace but what I do know is that the boy loves you. He also hates himself and if he believes you're better off without him, I believe he would do whatever was necessary to make you go. Be sure, Ember, that he's guilty of whatever you think he did because I can tell you that spending your life without your soul's mate is very hard."

Trent and I returned home after Christmas and I found it was easier to lose myself in the routine of my life so I wouldn't think about Trace. Trent was a great help with that, forcing me to find an outlet for the pain through music.

I was staying with Trent still and I had attempted to get an apartment but he told me not to rush because he had plenty of room and actually really enjoyed having a roommate. I couldn't lie; I wasn't ready to be on my own. I really liked being with Trent and having someone to whom I could come home and talk. Unlike my experiences with Lena, Trent was an excellent roommate.

One night, weeks after Christmas, Trent and I were at home having our Chinese take-out night when he surprised me by offering, "You're different."

I tilted my head and studied him a moment before I asked, "What do you mean?"

"...less afraid, more confident. I'm sorry about what happened with Trace and I know it hurt you but I think the silver lining from the experience is that you're coming out of your shell."

"Well, I'm all for silver linings so talk to me. What ever happened with Kelly? It's been weeks and you haven't gone out with her once."

Trent seemed to lose himself in thought for a moment before he looked back at me and grinned but it was a sad, little smile.

"We connected, definitely, but she just came out of a long relationship and she was hurting and seriously not ready to jump into another. We talk sometimes on the phone but, for self-preservation, I took a step back."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

He touched my hand as his eyes held mine.

"You never told me and I didn't ask because I didn't think you were ready. What happened with you?"

"I thought I could save Trace -- thought that I could conquer his demons by loving him but I was wrong."