Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (52 page)

I tell both of them how
I’m not surprised. What’s the deal for? I have no idea. But what
kind of sister would I be to ask questions on something that I should
already know? Which of course makes me feel guilty. I’ve been so
occupied in my own drama that I have neglected my brother.

“How long will you
guys be gone?” I ask, hoping that they didn’t already tell me.

Logan rubs his jaw. Not
good. Connor is the one that answers. “Two weeks.”

I can’t help the
panic that is starting to take over. I can barely even remember the
last time my brother left the country without me. When he was in
college and I still had our family.

“I’m not leaving
for two days,” Logan says, sensing my unease.

“I’ll be fine.” I
don’t know if I say it for my brother’s benefit or mine.

An hour later they’re
dropping me off, promising to call every day. Which of course I tell
them not to do. I don’t need my brother or Connor worrying about
me. I’ll be fine.

Two weeks.

Fourteen days.

The thought is both
thrilling and nerve-racking.

Whenever Logan leaves,
it’s always as short as possible and he either has Connor or Jax
keeping me occupied. Connor is out since he’s going which only
means Jax. I feel dizzy until I force myself to suck in oxygen. Logan
wouldn’t do that to me. He wouldn’t make Jax keep tabs on me
again. No, he can’t. He knows we’re not on good terms.
Overprotective doesn’t even
begin to describe him.

Fuck!

“You don’t have to
tell me anything you don’t want to, Addie,” Liv says. “I’m
here for whatever you need. If you want to talk about the weather for
the next hour, I’m all ears. However, you need to open up to
someone. Once you do, you’ll feel better. Maybe not at first, but
eventually.”

“Day-by-day right?”
I ask, repeating that stupid saying Liv’s always says to me.

She nods. “Day-by-day.”

“I don’t know where
to start.”

“Start with whatever
you want to tell me.”

Glancing down, I
immediately force my finger to stop drawing random designs on my
thigh. I wasn’t even aware I was doing that. It’s something that
I’ve always done when I’m too stressed out, close to my breaking
point. It helps calm me down.
Where
did I pick up this habit?

I think back, trying to
remember the first time I started doing this. I was still swimming
because I remember drawing random patterns on kick-boards. So it was
before the accident if I was still swimming. Hmmm. I remember crying
in the dark and feeling someone drawing on me with their finger.

Jax.

I was crying for Jax. I
couldn’t stop picturing him on the floor bleeding because of Wyatt.
He didn’t know how to make me stop so he helped me into bed, and
drew random things on my back with his finger tips until I fell
asleep. He still does it. I get flashes of him doing it whenever I’ve
been nervous, scared, or needed him. While I was in the hospital,
underneath the table at a charity event, while he tutored me. The
flashes go on and on. Then, as if I can’t help myself, I replay
every time he would draw on my naked back with a sharpie. Despite
everything, he’s still my strength. Remembering our time together
helps me open up to Liv about the night that changed my entire life.

“Arguing, I remember
arguing with my mom and dad.”

Liv doesn’t say
anything. I know she’s giving me time to gather my thoughts and
emotions. I’ve never talked about the accident before. For six long
years, I’ve been quiet. It has been easier to not relive that
night. I wish that with time, the memory had blurred, but if anything
it has only gotten sharper.

I can remember every
little detail: the pain, the smells, the cries, the emptiness from
not being able to do anything but listen to them die. I never once
believed I would be able to talk about that night. I promised myself
I wouldn’t. I thought reliving that night would kill me. Hopefully
I’m stronger than I realized and I can talk about that dreadful
night that changed everything without losing myself again.

“They wanted to know
something.” I rub my flat stomach. “I can’t remember what,
though. I was yelling at them to drop it. It was my decision to keep
the secret.”

I close my eyes trying
to recall the details of the fight. Something tears at my brain,
begging me to let it in. I shake my head, tossing away the painful
memory before I can grasp it. I’m choosing to forget something
important.

“I can’t remember
why I was screaming at them to leave me alone.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

I shrug in answer. I
massage my temples and try with everything in me to recall the fight.
Jax. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop picturing his face. As
much as it’s killing me to not ask Liv, I can’t. I know I’m not
ready for those answers yet. Instead I let myself block out something
vitally important. I tell Liv as much as I can recall about the
fight. Putting the pieces together as I talk, but still having gaps
in the puzzle that’s my life.

“I was so mad at
them. They told me I had to tell them the truth, or I had to leave.
They were going to cut me off until I told them everything. I kept
yelling at them because they were being so unfair. They promised they
would give me more time. They lied. Hadley squeezed my hand to try to
calm me down, but I yanked my hand away and moved from the middle
seat to the one next to the window so I wasn’t next to her anymore.
I wanted to be left alone. Funny, I got what I wished for.”

I pick up a glass of
water and force it down my too-tight throat. I wish I could forget
the harsh words I said to my parents, but those words are forever
engraved in my mind.

“We were about a mile
away from our house when I saw the lights. Everything seemed to slow
down but speed up all at once. Hadley was holding out her earphones
to me with the most welcoming smile I’ve ever seen, our mom looked
like she was crying, and my dad was silent and staring at me in the
rearview mirror, trying to get me to look at him. I refused to meet
his eyes because I was afraid of what I would see, so I looked out
the window at the headlights that were coming in the wrong
direction.”

I’m aware that I am
drawing patterns on my hand. I wouldn’t be able to stop even if I
wanted to . . . I need the calm that Jax brings, like I need oxygen.

“I tried to yell at
my dad to stop, but nothing came out. I watched horrified as the
lights grew closer and closer. Blinding me. I heard the impact more
than felt it. I think I was still in shock and the pain didn’t
register yet. I can still hear the sound of my dad’s head hitting
the window and glass shattering.”

I hear the sound as
clear as I can hear myself breathing. I have the sudden urge to throw
up. I swallow the acid rising up my throat. I need to get this out
more than anything. The words are spilling out on their own accord
without any thought on my part. It’s liberating in the most painful
way imaginable.

“When our car went
airborne, that’s when the screaming started. Everyone was screaming
except for my dad. I still have nightmares of the silence when the
car finally stopped in the ditch. Then the ringing started. I tried
to cover my ears to shut the noise off because it was so loud and it
was hurting my head, but my hands weren’t working. I forgot that we
were in a car accident. The smell of rubber confused me because I
thought I was asleep somewhere in my house. I knew I wasn’t in my
bed, but I didn’t know where I was.

“I kept trying to
open my eyes, but every time I got close to opening them, I was out
again, only to be awoken by the ringing again. I don’t know how
long I was like that until I was finally able to open them. The sight
was so horrible that I immediately started to scream. I was in my
worst nightmare and I knew no matter how many times I closed and
reopened my eyes, the scene in front of me wouldn’t change. My
family was dying and there was nothing I could do but watch.”

Not being able to sit
still, I head over to the window. A man walks his dog and across the
street a couple hold hands as they wait for a taxi. I would guess
teenagers. They don’t seem any older than seventeen. Fitting. It
feels like a lifetime ago that I was seventeen without a care in the
world. Then everything changed. Like everything always does. The
worst that could happen had happened and there was nothing I could do
but watch. I hated being helpless. I never want to feel powerless
again.

That’s why I know no
matter how I feel after talking with Liv, that I will be okay. I
won’t be fine, but I’ll survive. I’ll keep living, breathing,
because they can’t. I won’t just sit back and watch my life
unveil before my eyes. I will always be a participant in life. I
won’t give up. No more watching. Never again.

With newfound calm, I’m
able to step away from the window and sit back down on the couch. I
hug the pillow to my chest again. It’s a small comfort that I need
right now. I give Liv a small smile so she knows that I’m okay.
She’s so patient with me, pushes me when I need it. She understands
me. The other therapists didn’t. They always tried to fix me. They
never let me realize that I had to fix myself. Nobody can fix me; Liv
just helps me see the pieces that are ready to be put back together.

“Do you want to talk
some more, or save the rest for another day?” Liv asks.

“Continue. I need to
get it out. It’s strange, I never thought I would be able to talk
about it, but now that I am, I know I need to get it all out, or I
won’t be able to.”

Liv nods in
understanding.

“When I realized that
screaming wasn’t going to stop time, I tried to get out of my seat
to get help. I could see the blood dripping down my legs and onto the
floor. My right hand wasn’t working because it was broken and
dislocated and my left arm was stuck. It felt like hours until I was
finally able to free my left arm. I broke my thumb and three fingers
in the process of getting my hand unstuck between my seat and the
door. I didn’t even feel the pain. I pushed it all aside so I could
reach Hadley. She didn’t stir once. I could see that my mom was
starting to come to, so I called out to her.”

The memory is so vivid
that I’m reeled back into the past. I don’t fight it like I
usually do. I need to relive it one more time to be able to move on.

“
Mom!”
I yell, trying frantically to unbuckle my seatbelt.

“
Add—”
she whispers, but stops as if just moving her mouth causes her too
much pain.

“
I
can’t . . . I can’t get out. My seatbelt is stuck! Can you move?
Can you see Dad? Hadley isn’t moving!”

“
Ad—”
She tries again, but stops.

I
wait for her to say something else, but she doesn’t. I panic all
over again. She’s not stirring. If I lean as far forward as the
seatbelt will allow, I can barely see the rise and fall of her chest.

I
keep struggling to get free. Each and every time I use my left hand,
pain shoots through my fingers and up my arm, causing me to scream as
if somebody is stabbing me. I’ve never thought anything could hurt
this badly. Tears run down my face, but I don’t give up. I can’t.
I need to reach my sister. She’s the only thing that matters. Not
the pain. Not the broken bones. Those will heal. My sister needs me.

“
Hadley.”

Nothing.
Absolute silence.

“
Hadley!”
I yell louder.

More
silence.

My
eyelids feel heavy. I know I only have a few more seconds before
sleep takes over. I fight it, fearing that if I close my eyes now, I
won’t be able to open them again. My mom’s voice is the strength
I need to keep my eyes open and keep fighting.

“
I’ll
always love you my sweet beautiful girl. I-I—”

“
Don’t
talk, Mom. Save your strength. I know you love me. I love you so
much. I’m so—”

“
You
have nothing to be sorry for . . . Be the person that I raised . . .
I’m so proud of the woman . . . that you’re becoming.”

She
starts coughing, the kind of coughing that sounds like she’s
choking. The sound alone makes my heart stop. It’s the red dots
flying on the dashboard that have me screaming in terror. Blood. My
mom is coughing up blood and the only thing I can do is sit here and
watch her suffer.

When
she finally stops coughing, she speaks again. I know that this is the
last time I will ever hear her voice. With each word, I can tell how
much pain she’s in and how much effort she expends to say words
that most people take for granted. Nobody ever realizes how much they
take for granted until it’s too late. Even words.

“
Hadley
will . . . need . . . you. Be strong for her. Tell Logan . . . how
much I love him. Never forget . . . how much I love . . . you three.”