Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (11 page)

[But what of that?] For I consider that the sufferings of this present time (this present life) are not worth being compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to usandin usandfor usandconferred on us! (Romans 8:17-18)

It was a great day when the Holy Spirit led me to understand that shame was the source of many of my problems! There are promises in the Word of God that assure us that we can be delivered from a sense of shame. For example, it is written in Isaiah 61:7: "Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonorandreproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs."

Let's examine more closely this passage, which offers "a twofold recompense." Arecompenseis a reward or compensation for injury. In other words, if you trust God and do things His way, He will see to it that you are repaid for every injustice ever done to you. You will receive double what you have forfeited or lost, and everlasting joy will be yours! That is a wonderful promise, and I can vouch for the reality of it. God has done that very thing for me, and He will do it for you too.

Another promise from the Lord is found in Isaiah 54:4: "Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confoundedanddepressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not

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[seriously] remember the reproach of your widowhood any more."How inspiring and encouraging it is to know that you will forget the harm of your past and will never have to seriously remember those hard, hard times! This is even a promise that you can stand on if you are still being abused or mistreated.

Perhaps you feel that the Lord has told you to endure for a season some verbal or emotional abuse while He is doing a work in the person who is hurting you. How can you protect yourself from developing a shame-based nature? The prayer of the psalmist can be yours also: "O keep me, Lord, and deliver me; let me not be ashamedordisappointed, for my trustandmy refuge are in You" (Psalm 25:20).

God can keep you from shame. I suggest that every time you suffer from verbal or emotional abuse, simply pray and ask God to keep you from the shame that tries to build up within you. Use this word in Psalm 25:20 as a double-edged sword against the enemy (which in this case is shame).

Following is an example of how this approach will work for your benefit. I know a pastor's wife who has no problems at all in her sexual relations with her husband, even though relatives sexually abused her for many years. On the other hand, as a result of my sexual abuse, I had many, many problems to confront and overcome in my sexual relations with my husband.

What made the difference? While questioning my friend, I discovered that throughout her childhood she had maintained a strong faith in God. The abuse began when she was about fourteen years of age. By that time she had already enjoyed many years of good Christian fellowship and an active prayer life. She prayed each time her abusers molested her, asking God to cover her so it would not affect her sexual relationship with her future husband. She knew that one day she was going to marry a pastor because the Lord had already revealed it to her. Her prayers protected her from shame and bondage in that area.

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In my case, I did not know enough about God to activate my faith through prayer. Therefore I did suffer from shame- until I discovered that I was shame-based and learned about God's promise to deliver me.You can also be delivered from shame, which is the source of many complex inner problems, such as:

Alienation

Compulsive behaviors (drug/alcohol/substance abuse; eating disorders; addiction to money, work, or other objects or activities; sexual perversions; excessive need to be in control; lack of self-control or self-discipline; gossiping; judgmental spirit; etc.)

Depression

Deep sense of inferiority ("There-is-something-wrong- with-me" thinking)

Failure syndrome

Isolating loneliness

Lack of confidence

Neurotic behavior (A neurotic person assumes too much responsibility; in times of conflict he automatically presumes that he is at fault.)

Perfectionism

Timidity (fear of all types)

Inability to develop and maintain healthy relationships

Depression

What we believe in our heart about ourselves deeply influences how we act: "For as he [a person] thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7, paraphrased). If we think poorly of ourselves, we will be depressed.

Extreme numbers of people suffer from this terrible condition

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of depression, which has many complex causes, one of which is shame. If you are prone to depression, it may be a sign of a deeper problem-a root of shame.Those who are shame-based think and speak negatively about themselves. Such wrong thinking and speaking places a heavy weight on the spirit. This is a major problem because God created human beings for righteousness, love, and acceptance. God is always pouring forth these virtues upon His children, but many of His children do not know how to receive them.

You cannot receive love and acceptance from God if you are against yourself. If you have a problem in this area, do not just sit by and allow the devil to destroy you. Confront your spiritual enemy with spiritual action. Change your thinking and your speaking. Begin purposely to think and say only good things about yourself. Make a list of your best qualities and what the Word says about you, and confess it several times a day.

Meditate on truths from God's Word such as: "For our sake He made Christ [virtually] to be sin Who knew no sin, so that inandthrough Him we might become [endued with, viewed as being in, and examples of] the righteousness of God [what we ought to be, approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him, by His goodness]" (2 Corinthians 5:21). Then say, "I am the righteousness of God in Christ."

Say out loud "God loves me" when you read, "For God so greatly lovedanddearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life" (John 3:16).

Read Romans 12:6-8: "Having gifts (faculties, talents, qualities) that differ according to the grace given us, let us use them: [He whose gift is] prophecy, [let him prophesy] according to the proportion of his faith; [he whose gift is] practical service, let him give himself to serving; he who teaches, to his

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teaching; he who exhorts (encourages), to his exhortation; he who contributes, let him do it in simplicityandliberality; he who gives aidandsuperintends, with zealandsingleness of mind; he who does acts of mercy, with genuine cheerfulnessandjoyful eagerness." Then confess, "I have gifts and abilities given to me by the Lord."Ponder in your heart the words of the Lord when He said, "Because you are precious in My sight and honored, and because I love you, I will give men in return for you and peoples in exchange for your life" (Isaiah 43:4). Rejoice as you admit, "I am precious and valuable to God."

Search the Word of God for other positive confessions about yourself.

Another wise practice is to get a thorough medical examination to rule out the possibility of any physical condition that may be affecting your mental and emotional outlook. Unless your depression is caused by some health problem, it can usually be traced to negative thinking and speaking. Even when the depression is caused by some physical condition (hormonal or chemical imbalance, etc.), the devil will take advantage of the situation. He will offer many negative thoughts, which, if received and meditated upon, will only make the problem seem many times worse than it actually is.

I repeat: When you feel depressed, check your thinking. It is not God's will for you to be depressed. Align your thoughts with the Word of God. Isaiah 61:3 says that the Lord has given us "the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened,andfailing spirit." Nehemiah said, "The joy of the Lord is your strengthandstronghold" (8:10). Believe what the Word says you are, and that is what you will become. Believe what the devil says you are, and you will become that. The choice is yours: "therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).

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Shame causes self-rejection and, in some cases, self-hatred. In more extreme cases, it can develop into self-abuse, including self-mutilation. I have ministered to several people who have shown me scars on their bodies from their cutting, burning, or biting themselves, as well as bruises from their beating or hitting themselves, and bald spots from their pulling out their own hair.Some people even starve themselves as a form of punishment. Others behave in an obnoxious manner so they will be rejected. Since they have rejected themselves, they are convinced that others will also reject them, so they manifest behavior in accordance with what they believe about themselves. The list of potential problems goes on and on, but I am sure you see the point I am making:

You cannot get beyond your own opinion of yourself-no matter how many good things God may say about you in His

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Word. Regardless of all the wonderful plans God may have for your life, none of them will come to pass without your cooperation.You need to believe what God says.

Accept God's Opinion of You

If you are seeking recovery from abuse, you must not allow other people's opinions of you, as evidenced by the way you have been mistreated in the past, to determine your worth. Remember, people who feel worthless always try to find something wrong with you so they can feel a little better about themselves. Keep in mind that this is their problem, not yours.

In John 3:18, the Lord Jesus states that no one who believes in Him willeverbe rejected by Him or His heavenly Father. If God accepts you because of your faith in His Son Jesus Christ, then you can stop rejecting yourself and let your healing process continue.

It may be that you are not totally rejecting yourself, but only parts of yourself that are displeasing to you. In my own case, I rejected my personality. I did not understand that I had a divine calling on my life to full-time ministry and that God designed my basic temperament for what He had for me to do.

My personality was flawed, of course, due to the years of abuse I had suffered, and was in need of Holy Spirit adjustment, but it was still the basic personality that God had chosen for me. However, because I did not understand that fact, I thought I had to become totally different. I was constantly trying to be someone else, which was not God's will for me-nor is it His will that you become someone else.

Remember: God will help you be allyoucan be-all you were originally designed to be. But He will never permit you to be successful at becoming someone else.

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The Spirit-Controlled TemperamentPerhaps you have observed another person-a friend or a spiritual leader-and said, "He is the way people ought to be" or "She is liked and accepted byeveryone."You may have even tried to be like that individual without consciously planning to do so.

Of course, other people can be good examples to us, but even if we pattern ourselves after their good qualities, it must still be our own personal "flavor" of those good traits that characterizes us.

I have a bold, straightforward, decisive, take-charge personality. God instilled that type of nature in me to help me fulfill His call upon my life. However, for many, many years I struggled and lived in frustration because I kept trying to be more timid, mild, gentle, quiet, and sweet. I tried desperately not to be so assertive and aggressive.

The truth is that I vainly tried to model myself after my pastor's wife, my husband, and various friends whom I respected and admired. My efforts only resulted in increased frustration, which made me even more difficult to get along with. I needed to learn to quit trying to be like others and simply become "the best me I could be." Yes, I did need change. I did need more of the fruit of the Spirit-especially kindness, gentleness, and meekness-because I was too hard, harsh, and abrasive. But once I learned to accept my basic, God-given temperament, then I was able to let the Holy Spirit begin to change me into what He wanted me to be.

Once we quit striving to be like others, then the Spirit is able to use our strengths and to control our weaknesses. Then we begin to develop a "Spirit-controlled temperament." This temperament is explained in Galatians 5:22-25:

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But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].

And those who belong to Christ Jesus (the Messiah) have crucified the flesh (the godless human nature) with its passions and appetitesanddesires.

If we live by the [Holy] Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. [If by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit.]

Many years have passed since I finally learned that I had to accept and love myself, not hate and reject myself. I have since discovered the secret to developing the Spirit-controlled temperament. The key is spending quality personal time with the Lord and receiving help from Him on a regular basis.