Because of You (27 page)

Sooner or later he’ll find the empty crate I hastily stuffed back in the closet. And when he does, what will he do?

“I’m an idiot,” I say, slamming my head against his door.

“Hey, you alright?” Kyle’s cousin Evan is looking at me. His eyebrow cocked.

“Oh, hey, Evan,” I say, casually hiding the bag behind my back.

“Want a ride to campus? I’m on my way.” He moves to the staircase and heads down the three floors to the parking lot.

I follow, internally debating.

I want to say no, but it’s freezing outside. “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.”

His car is red and flashy, with big tires and large round lights on top. It’s an SUV of some kind. I think maybe a Ford, but I’m not sure.

He unlocks the door with a click-click and climbs in. I open the passenger door and lift myself up. I think about Kyle and how I know he would’ve opened my door, helped me in. I wonder where Kyle learned his manners. Certainly not from his father.

The engine turns over and roars to life. Loud country blares from the stereo. Evan doesn’t bother to turn it down. I quickly buckle up and clutch the grocery bag full of Kyle’s letters to my chest.

“Whatcha got in there?” Evan shouts over the loud music. His eyes indicate my bag.

Thinking quickly, I tuck it behind my back. “My phone,” I shrug. “And some other stuff.”

“I still can’t believe Kyle bought you a phone. That boy is whipped.” He shakes his head as he laughs.

I have no response.

Evan’s driving is maniacal, and I have to resist the urge to grab the dash and hang on for dear life.

When he reaches Irvine Hall, he screeches to a halt. Finally, he turns the music down. “Good seeing ya, Maddie.”

I open the door, and slide out. “You too.” I give him a tight smile and slam the door. Once I’m inside I heave a deep breath, grateful for the ground and my ability to be walking on it.

Maddie

hen I get inside the room I spin in circles, trying to figure out what I want to do. Hide the letters? Read them?

“Read them now,” I say aloud, and plop onto my bed. First I want to organize the letters by year. As I touch each envelope, my hands tremble. I’m terrified. If I open these there will be no going back. Kyle will know I’ve read them, even if I were to somehow sneak them back into his apartment. But if I come clean now, maybe he’d give them to me. Let me read them anyway. I should’ve asked him instead of stealing them. He’ll probably be mad. I’ve invaded his privacy, broken his trust. Stolen from him.

I’m a rotten, no good thief.

And I’m about to pack them all up when I notice one with a single heart drawn in black pen on the front.

A heart.

My heart speeds, and beats against my chest. I have to read it.

Just this one. Then I’ll take them back. With a pair of scissors I cut off one of the short sides of the envelope, blow inside, and carefully slide the three ring binder paper out. I unfold it and read:

Dear Maddie,

I turned fourteen today. Didn’t do much. Hung out with Evan. We saw a movie. Ate. Listened to music.

I kept thinking about you. I never stop.

When we went to the movies, I ordered Junior Mints because those are your favorite. When we ate lunch, I ordered a chicken sandwich instead of a cheeseburger because I knew that’s what you would’ve ordered. Evan asked what my problem was, but I ignored him.

You were everywhere today. I swear I saw you six different times. Your brown hair tucked behind your ears. But then the girl would turn around, and it wasn’t you.

I kept looking. I’ll keep looking. I won’t stop.

I wished you could’ve spent today with me. We probably would’ve done the same thing me and Evan did, but it would’ve been a lot more fun, because it would’ve been with you.

Remember the cake you made for my eleventh birthday? It was chocolate with chocolate icing. You put sprinkles on it, and eleven candles. At the time I think I acted kind of embarrassed, like I didn’t really like it. But I want you to know, it meant a lot to me. It still does. Every birthday since I’ve thought about your cake. You. I’m sorry if I was mean.

And Maddie, whatever I’ve done to make you mad, I’m sorry for that too. Really sorry. Like every day I wake up and for one moment I’m happy because I haven’t remembered that you’re gone yet. But when I do, it’s a struggle to get out of bed, do what I have to, because you aren’t here. My life was so much better when you were in it.

This may sound weird, but I think I love you. And not like best friend love. Even though I feel that way about you too, but my heart hasn’t been the same since you left.

I miss you.

Please talk to me. Write me back.

Kyle

I read it once. Then again. And a third time. Studying each word. Each sentence. He thought he loved me. At fourteen. I hadn’t seen him in three years. I press the paper to my nose and inhale. It may be my imagination, but I swear I can smell his delicious scent on the paper.

I refold the letter and tuck it back into the envelope, then set it on top of the pile for 2009. I stare at the letters, written by the boy I’ve missed almost as much as my parents, and I realize I can’t give these back. Not yet. I have to read each and every letter. Each and every word, sentence, and paragraph.

I pick up the one with the most recent date stamped on it. Slice the edge with a nail file and pull out the paper. It still looks new. And before I read, I smell it. Definitely Kyle.

Dear Maddie,

This will be my final letter. I’ve known for a couple of years you wouldn’t respond. It used to drive my father crazy that I sent you letters in the first place. After a year he told me to stop, but I couldn’t. So my cousin Evan snuck me stamps from his mom’s purse.

Anyway, I think I finally get that you aren’t a part of my life anymore. I didn’t want to believe because it hurt too much. Writing made it easier. I would think about you reading my letters. What you might do, the way your face would light up while you read.

But it’s not meant to be. Whatever it is you’re doing with your life, I hope you’re happy. I’ve tried to be happy. Piano has helped. Evan thinks I’m girlie for playing, and I blow it off as a hobby, but the truth is, it means the world to me. I sit on the bench and play, and play, and play.

The music allows me to forget the hurt at losing my mom, you, and my dad. Not that he was around much. Not that I even liked him around. He wasn’t my favorite person, not even close, but he was my family. I see how important that is. And it makes me sad. For me, and for you.

Man, I miss you.

I think about what you must look like. If you’ve grown taller. Whether your hair is long or short. You had the most beautiful legs. I’m sure they’re even better now.

I get why you went to live with your aunt and uncle. They are all the family you have left. I’m living with Evan. Him and his mom and dad have been good to me. But it isn’t the same.

Shit. I hope you’re okay.

I’ve driven to Sugar River lots of times. I’ve even gone past your aunt and uncle’s house. Once I sat in my Jeep, across the street, for hours. Your aunt finally came out and told me what I already knew. You didn’t want to see me.

But I want you to know I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped caring. And I hope with all of my heart that you are living life to its fullest. That you are happy. That’s all I wish for you.

Always,

Kyle

Tears drip onto the page. My heart is soaked with sadness. For many reasons. Giving up on Kyle, harboring so much hate for his dad. But it’s more. I feel so badly that I wasn’t around for Kyle when his father died. And I’m not even sure how to feel about his dad being dead. I’m devastated. I guess because a part of me believed I would have my revenge. That justice would be served. The man is dead. But I still feel lost, hopeless. It doesn’t seem fair.

I wipe my eyes and steel myself. I should be happy, ecstatic. But I’m empty. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

And I realize all my life, everything I’ve done: piano, tattoos, college, it’s all been because of Kyle’s father. I need to know how Chief Hadley died. I need to see his grave, spit on his gravestone.

How? I can’t ask my aunt. I can almost hear her: “Why would you want to be within a hundred feet of that evil man’s grave? Even in death he’s probably causing trouble. Stay away. Far, far away.” What she doesn’t understand is that I can’t. I have to see for myself that he’s dead.

I wonder if she knows he’s dead. Even as I think it, I know she does. I doubt my aunt and uncle would’ve let me go to college otherwise. When did he die?

I’m sure I could ask Kyle, but I’d rather read his letters. They’re mine anyway, addressed to me. I bet in a court of law, the judge would declare me the owner. Never mind that I swiped them from Kyle’s apartment without his knowledge.

As I ponder my predicament, the door opens. Gina stumbles in. Her eyes are glazed. A strange smile coats her lips.

“Hey, Maddie. Maddelena. Maddie-mad-dog. How are you?” She falls onto her bed, and stares at the ceiling.

I do my best to hide the letters, but there’s a lot. When I’m satisfied, I walk over. “Hey, Gina. How was your night with Collin?”

She rolls onto her side. “So good. So, so good. He’s a rock star in bed. Sweet. Kind. Plus, he took me to dinner. We partied, just the two of us.” Her smile gets big.

She’s higher than a kite. It isn’t cocaine. I’ve seen what she’s like on that. Maybe pot? I’m not sure. “What are you on?” I ask, sitting next to her, taking her hand.

Gina looks at me. “Aww, Maddie. Don’t look so worried. They’re called recreational drugs for a reason. They’re fun.” She closes her eyes, inhales slowly. “I mean look at me. Do I look like I’m having a bad time?”

Before I can say anything, she answers herself, “No. I feel great.” She lifts her hand and waves it slowly, mesmerized by the movement.

I try to calm down. Take deep breaths. She’s right. She doesn’t seem sad or in pain, but mellow. “Okay.” I pat her on the arm. “I’m going to the library. I need a book for my research paper.” The truth is I want to read Kyle’s letters in peace, without interruptions.